thank you robin for your thoughts. im sorry for your tragic loss as well. sometimes its easy to fall into thinking that my loss is more "hurtful" than others, but i know thats not true. i attended a support group tonight for the first time and it is shocking to me to realize how many people are going through the same pain that i am, even though their loss was different. i am 45, cant imagine livng like 25 -30 more years without my Breezy. she was the joy of our house, we laughed everyday. but i realize that everyone had that special connection to their lost loved one. her door is shut, its too painful to go in there. i know whats in there, her pajamas from the morning she died still on her unmade bed. 2 months ago i had visions of her marching band next year as we had enjoyed this first one so much, and homecomings & proms & graduation & maybe marriage & grandchildren. now i will have none of those things. its like she kept me young. now i feel like i turned into an old woman over night. i know i am lucky to have a partner, he is a boyfriend he is 52 he lives here and me him & breezy were a little family. we dont really have anyone else. Do you have children? i hope we can find some peace thats all im seeking at this point, i know that happiness is out of the question. but i am tortured evryday about what went on in that house that morning, i know i have to accept that ill probably never have the answers. i hope i can live with that. my partner & i cant really comfort each other its hard because he is grieving as well and just as much. im trying to avoid going into a hospital, that is a last resort. i miss my girl so much. she looked just like me so im having a hard time looking in the mirror. its hard to take a shower. all the pics we took down off the walls for the funeral are still in a corner of the livingroom wrapped in bubblewrap. are the mornings worse for you? they are the worst for me. i wake up & immediately have an anxiety attack. my counslor says i have ptsd from the morning those cops came and told me, and they were horrible about it anyway, but thats another story. anyway, i look forward to chatting with you again. i just joined this thing and am dumb as a brick on a computer so hopefully thsi message reaches you. i will try to keep you in my thoughts and you do the same for me & maybe that will give us a minute or 2  of distraction anyway, -bdabbs