Joseph, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I feel the same way you do.  There is no normal for us anymore, we have to learn to live day by day.  At times, I wonder at what point will we give up?  I should have been the one to go first, I have 1 kidney, arthritis and other problems.  He was diagnosed and within a month, he was gone.  It isn't fair, I was told I was the strong one in our marriage and that he went first because he couldn't have survived without me, how do I learn to survive without him???  I have survivors guilt so bad, so many what if's and I should have's.  Nothing will change the outcome though, he will still be gone.  I hope you can learn to cope without your spouse, like I said, day by day.