Actually, I am glad you did not see your Mom pass from this life to the next. I was there  for mine and it haunts me that I watched her struggled for breath. There are other things that happened before they took her away that I will never forget the sound of.

Bluebell

I'm glad that I was with my mom when she passed over. I was the last person that she saw and I was able to tell her that it was okay, but you bet I was haunted by all that I saw. There is no good way.

No I'm sure there is not, I was thankful though for one nurse there that said these exact words to me "I was talking to your mom and her eyes rolled back, it was very peaceful", I keep hearing the nurse saying that in my mind....but I was like ok, um but my mom was not sick she was fine it astonishes me how you can talk to someone who is healthy and they are gone in a half hour, I go over and over that in my mind.

Great to hear you BlueBell and I wish that you recover soon. 

Theressa, same pinch as you. My mom was sick but not that much sick to die. She collapsed as soon she entered ICU and the drs there did not react in the best way possible. Also I was kind of numb as well and I still regret that and will do it whole life. I still feel guilt of not rushing her to ICU few hours earlier. 

We cannot get away with it, just learn to live with it. 

Hi Jayne. Welcome back.

Bluebell

Avi your right we have to live with it or should we say accept it.

Hope all is well with your new baby!

Hi Guys, 

How you all are doing. 

I am missing my mom a lot today. Someday life comes to halt.

No doubt. It's very hard. It's the finality of it all that tears me apart. I will not see my mom again in this life. I won't be able to hug her or talk to her again. How does one get past that?

Yes Brett. I work in an IT company and need to keep a fake face always to show all that I am fine. I need to go out for office meetings, also need to attend family events but deep down somewhere there is a void. 

We are all in the same situation, I miss my mom every minute, every day and now that winter is coming, I'm going to be a mess I am not a fan of winter.

Missing my Mom a lot too today. I am in tears.

Bluebell

Hi All, 

How you all are doing. 

BlueBell how are you now?

Yesterday was a hectic day at office and when I reached home I missed my mother like anything. I was watching a Bollywood movie in which a blind kid gets help from somebody every time he is in problem and he feels that it is God who is taking care of him. 

Do you feel that God does take care of us? If yes, then can we assume that everything is planned by the almighty and I have little or no control on my situations?

Hi Avi

Hanging in there just dreading the though that winter is coming here soon, I love summer.

Most definitely God walks right behind us always.  I remember a poem saying why God is it when I walk on the beach in the sand I see only one pair of footprints which are mine, if you are always with me, and God responded it is because I am carrying you my friend.

Bluebell, I'm right there with you, I miss here everyday and some days I cry my eyes out.

I was having a rough weekend thinking about and missing my Mother a little more than normal. An amazing friend of mine found this for me knowing it was exactly something Mom would tell me now if she could. 

Briana, thanks for sharing this. It really helped. 

Hi Luisa, 

I understand your words and agree that it is not easy to believe that she is not here with us. 

Daily I miss her and feel terrible that she is not with me. I talk to her pic but I know I will never get response. 

I sure miss my mom, too. It's so easy to close my eyes and imagine that this has all been a dream, that my mom is fine, but that's not reality. 

Avi, I'm sorry that you missed out on a promotion. I know that would have been a positive step forward. I can only imagine how hard it is for your dad.

I am so sorry everyone.

You know, it is amazing what can bring on memories and therefore grief. I see places DAILY where my Mom and Dad went and near where WE lived and I STILL would be living if my siblings hadn't overruled me and sold the house that I loved SO much! I know I could not afford it, but we could have worked SOMETHING out! That's a whole other story.

But I am an extremely sentimental person and I remember dates, times, locations and everything. I am glad to be here because there are a lot of happy memories. Yet, I feel so lonely here! Only one aunt living here. It is me and my beautiful  female Black Labrador Retriever, who my Mom loved SO much and I do too! I am also facing serious financial issues, which is causing more depression. Most days I do not want to get out of bed. I am tired of all this! Yet, I thank God for my dog and all I have!

Avi I am so sorry about the promo, something else will come up.

That just wasn't meant to be, that is how I look at something that did not work out for me.

Yep still missing mom, and having my friends mom pass on Friday, was no help either, I am dreading going to the funeral, I do not go to funerals, a small mass is sufficient is my belief, the soul has left the body and its just a body in a box and more drawn out agony for the family, just my own belief.

My friends mom had dementia, she stopped eating, I said to my friend at least you were there with her and you got to say whatever it was that you wanted to say.  

I did not....

Douglass, I'm sorry. Grief is agonizing enough without having life kick you in the teeth. We went from having so much unconditional love to seeing the worst in people.

Lia, I am so sorry. It's been almost three years for me and my heart is still broken. We understand. Please feel free to share with us. We will help you all we can. In some ways I wish that I had found this board so soon after my mom's death. It's just good to know that there are people who understand what this feels like. You are still in shock right now and I'm sure the feelings are raw and intense. I will walk with you, buddy. God Bless You.

Lia

I am so sorry for your loss.

Bluebell

Hi Lia, 

So sorry for your loss. 

Similar to others, I can understand your pain. I wish comfort to you but I know it is not easy. Please take your time. 

All people, I was travelling so could not post for long. This is to tell that I visited by dream location Prague on 15 Sep but could not enjoy much. I feel like not enjoying at all and everything just happens. 

Also, finally I got the promotion guys. 

Lia, losing your mom is hard enough. When you also lived with her that takes it to a whole different level because you didn't experience the natural separation that other adults do. That's sure what happened to me. I lived with my mom and she was my whole world. The sicker she got she even became like my child. For you, starting over goes to a whole deeper level than most. My brothers and sister were able to go back to their lives. I had to start over. I am still starting over.

Hi All, 

Hope you all are able to overcome your grief and live a normal life. I am also trying but guilt takes control some time and then it becomes very difficult for me. 

My daughter keeps me motivated as her eyes tell me that "dad, you have to care for me, so please be strong".

Hi all. I am doing okay. I miss my Mom everyday, but my thoughts of her are beginning to change. I find myself remembering every day moments with fondness vs sadness. For instance, when the phone rang, I always said to Mom "I will get it". The other day I said the very same words, knowing she was not here to hear it. It brought a smile to my face to say it. The same thing happened when I saw a beautiful butterfly. She always commented on them. Remembering that gave me another pleasant memory vs sadness that she was not here to see it with me. 

I want to share with you a youtube video on my sister's husband whom we lost in April. He was a very special person who came from a working class family. His first job was that of a lumber jack. All that he accomplished in life was by his own hard work. I miss him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdTJlB2K-zA

Bluebell

Hi everyone, I still cry, but I do find myself saying mom give me your strength.  

Lia I am very sorry.  Well my mom was all I had she had me at 42, so we were very attached, I called every day and went there all the time.  She was my world, the separation I felt was agonizing, especially because she died so suddenly and unexpectedly.  I had no idea that was going to happen to someone who was not ill.  But not I know it can happen to anyone at anytime.

I lost my dear Mam last month, I am heartbroken and miss her so much.

I'm sorry Andrew. No one can take the place of your mom. We are here if we can help in any way.

Thanks so much

Sorry Andrew, it very hard, this is a wonderful group.  Glad you found us.

Brett - December is coming again, three years, wow, how much has changed for you?

After the church service on Sunday my minister asked me how I was doing. I could tell by the look on his face that he was afraid that I was going to answer him. I just said, "fine."

A few weeks ago I was at the gym and it hit me all at once. I just don't see myself as having any value. My value was as a caretaker for my mom. Now, I feel like I'm just taking up space and holding on to days that are long gone.

I feel like I am serving prison time. I pray so much but I just feel like I am atoning for something, and that this isn't over until I pay my debt in full.

That may not be true. Maybe God just wants me to be happy but I just don't understand how he works, Maybe I don't know how to pray. I just know that my mom is gone and it's like it all happened yesterday. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Theresa, I know that feeling. There has been at least three times today when I have looked at my little dog's smiling face, and I just sat down on the floor next to her and cried. She's almost 13. In so many ways I feel that she is all that I have left of my mom.

The problem is that our mom's were a tangible thing. We could hug the and have conversation with the, We could tell them that we loved them and they would tell us that they loved us back. With God it's all about faith. And in that regard I have not been a faithful servant. I just feel very alone. I don't give up hope. I ask him for help every day, but it is just one bad thing after another. I don't understand.

Hi I haven’t been on in a while.  How is everyone?  Found out my Dad has cancer.  Multiple myeloma, he has bad back pain.  At first he said he just has to take a pill and I wasn’t even going to go to his appointments.  I wanted nothing to do with it, too painful, too many reminders.  His back got worse and I began to have to do things around the house.  I had to go to stores and places I didn’t want to go.  Then he started to get confused so I went to his oncologist appt as much as I feared it.  They admitted him to the hospital because his calcium was dangerously low.  I couldn’t go in the room the first day.  I talked to the nurse and left.  I went in the second somehow.  He was out in a few days.  He started his chemo pill and after four days was on the hospital for pneumonia.  I sat in the ER wondering what on earth was happening.  Is this some kind of sick twisted twilight zone?  What am I doing?  How am I possibly even humanly sable to be here?  I guess I became numb, I felt like a complete robot, doing what I had to.  I cleaned and got him what I thought he might need at the house.  He was in for a week during which I could only stand to come for an hour or so each night.  He is doing better but I cannot help take care of him and do all the housework and do everything especially since I’m in the middle of grieving!  My ocd is going crazy again.  I have constant anxiety.  I can barely drag myself off the couch, I’m tired all the time.  My grief is getting worse because everything is feeling more real.  My Dad doesn’t really get how I feel.  I am so lonely and people are getting tired of me stopping over when I want to get out of the house.  And lastly, Sunday is my day of birth and I refuse to spend it without her!!!  That’s just too much to ask of me.

Hi Guys

I am also struggling to meet terms with life. I was travelling in last month, went to Europe for office work but I did not enjoy at all. I used to love travelling and going to new places but it is all worthless now. I was just doing it for the sake of it. 

The eternal happiness that I used to get to hear my mother laugh in the adjacent room is gone. I still remember her last words and know that she wanted to live more to see her grand children but destiny had some other plans. 

Brett, you mentioned that you do not understand how God works. Same is with me, I do not clearly understand. Lot of people say me it is all because of karma. My past deeds is causing me so much pain, I try to accept but it is hard. 

I also do not get any signs from anywhere that my mother is with me.

Has anyone exchanged phone numbers as mentioned?

Brett,

i feel like I’m in prison too except it’s worse.  At least there you get visits from the person you love.

Hi Virginia, 

I am ready for a skype call at avitiwari26@gmail.com 

I am doing poorly emotionally and physically. I dread the holidays that are coming up. I dread the mornings and the nights. I do not know what to do anymore to find some peace and meaning in life. I am fearful a lot. I feel so helpless and useless. I try to be positive, but I keep sinking. Not feeling well physically is not helping my state of mind at all. I am reaching out for more support, but at the same time, I think I should be able to pull myself up by my boot straps and feel guilty about it. It is not just about my Mom. It is about the brain bleed, the back/buttocks pain etc.  My worst fear is being a burden to my family and friends.

Bluebell