Guys, I think one of the reasons why we don't post is much as we once did is because we still miss our moms just as much, and we still cry a lot.

This is still new territory for all of us. You only lose your mom once. For the first year I was still kind of in shock. The second year is when It really hit home that she was never coming back. Friends and family seemed to be sick and tired of hearing about how much I missed my mom. I think people are still reluctant to ask me how I am doing for fear that I will tell them. Finding this site was another avenue for me to seek help and understanding. If any group of people knew what I was going through it was this one. And I did have hope that someone here would have words of wisdom that would help me heal. After several months posting here I still had the same problems, it was just that now more people knew about them.

We all continue looking for that light at the end of the tunnel but we can't see it. Maybe, sometimes we see glimmers (maybe not) but we are not home yet. I have no idea how long it will take before we are well again. I hope that we will all continue to post. Even if I can't make myself feel better, maybe I can support another person if they are going through a particularly rough patch. All we can do is try. There are no magic words.

I think that we have legitimate cause to be concerned about Bluebell. She would have chimed in by now if she was okay.

Let's all say a prayer for her today. And Avi I pray for a healthy delivery and years and years of happiness. The baby will certainly have a great dad. It's just another way that you can honor your mom. I know that you will.

God Bless you all.

Theresa, you are exactly right. We are all broken records, but that is one of the good things about this site. We are all in the same boat and we get it. I rarely talk about this stuff outside of this place because no one wants to hear it now. 

Brett, I know, my husband doesn't want to hear it at all, but then again his mom is still here, he has no idea how I feel, nor has he ever asked me.  He is one of those people who say really, its been almost three years.... whatever, like I said he has no idea.

So many things go over my mind in a day, like when I went back to my moms house after I left the hospital, I went down to the laundry room and I stood there in the quiet and looked at her sneakers that she used to wear to do outside work, and I said to myself she is not coming back here again.  

Every day is still difficult, but I try to keep occupied so my mind is not wondering and thinking of what I cannot change.

Thanks Theresa and Brett. 

I agree with both of you that we are still broken but the group gives me peace because people here will understand what I am going through. 

Theresa you rightly said that we cannot win over this grief completely but need to learn to live with it now. 

I wish BlueBell is fine. 

Theresa, it's the same for me. After mom died I saw all of the little things that she used when she was alive. It was so hard. Tee shirts, sneakers, her favorite drinking glass. There were so many things that she had used for years and it broke my heart to know that she had no use for them now. She was just gone. And she's not coming back. Ever. That is so hard to reconcile.

I have a friend who's mother, well she's not dying, but she is elderly and things are starting to happen. I wanted to find a tactful way of telling her to embrace every moment she has with her mom because the end is closer than she realizes. There just is no tactful way to say that. I'm not sure it would matter though. You can't know what it's like until your mom is gone. I get that your husband still has his mom, but you are his life partner and it seems like he would walk every step of the way with you through this, even if he doesn't understand.

That's what scares me. No one will ever love me like my mom did. My therapist has suggested that I fill the void that my mom left. That seems impossible. I know that I couldn't just get married and be okay. She would have to be one incredibly empathetic and caring woman.

I don't even feel like I can talk about this with my minister anymore. He's heard enough and I can tell that he's tired of it. It's a hard reality to realize that you are going through this alone. The one person who could give me some comfort (my mom) is the very person that I am without. It's heartbreaking. 

Brett I think you hit it on the nose She is gone and she is not coming back that is what is so hard to reconcile.

I feel as though we are fortunate to have had loving moms, some do not they have self ones.

I would be more than glad to listen to  you anytime.

:)

I appreciate that, Theresa. I was walking my dog a little while ago. I was praying, asking for peace, and I finally just said, "if it's possible, can I just please talk to my mom?" I told her everything that I wanted to say. I have no idea if she heard me or not. I know this much, she didn't say anything back. It's not like I expected her to.

This is like being lost and not having GPS. I just gave up on my girlfriend. She is devoutly religious and her idea of a response is, "Ask Mary to give you strength." Well, I love Mary but I do not have peace. It's just so hard to find anyone who understands. I'm just treading water and I try to avoid things that seem tempting, like looking through a photo album. That's torture. I appreciate that you listen and understand but you can't fill the void. That would require someone who is right next to me. Some find that through immediate family, husband, wife, children. I just don't have that. I have a dog. I love my dog but it's almost like she is on loan from the library. She's 12. I know I'll have to say goodbye to her soon enough. That is going to be one horrible day.

If we can't find strength through other people, we have to find it in ourselves. That's where my hope lies. I just don't know how to find my way back home.

Brett, no I cannot fill the void no one can, we just have to continue on our lives.

Maybe just maybe one day the pain will lessen and when we think of our moms we can smile.

I am sorry about your girlfriend.

And of course I have my dog who is 11 and like you Brett I know I will have to say goodby one day, he is my world.  He is what gives me the reason to get up everyday......

This is kind of off topic but I have ordered CBD oil. It is legal in all 50 states now because the THC has been removed. I am always looking for a natural way to ease anxiety and depression. Cannabis oil has the most potential of any natural supplement that I have seen. I could explain the science behind that, but it would take a long time. The problem is that our (my) amygdala is overactive. The amygdala is what causes the fight or flight response. It's why I can't sleep. It could be why Theresa wakes up so anxious, and why we release so much cortisol. CBD oil is now legal in all 50 states because the THC has been removed. That's very good because THC has psychoactive properties and can cause panic and paranoia. Cannabis minus THC has a lot of potential to relieve anxiety and depression because it can directly impact the amygdala. No other natural legal supplement can do that. 

I'll let you guys know if it helps. I did a lot of research before choosing one. This has become a huge business. If there is a way to overcome anxiety and depression safely, I want to find it. Some of the research has been incredible. For anxiety many people are getting more relief from CBD oil than Xanax. People are getting more pain relief than from opiates, and Cannabis is actually good for you. It may be too good to be true. I will let you guys know.           

hi Guys, 

Yesterday my mother came in my dreams. I do not remember the exact conversation but it was motivating. I feel better today to consider that she wants me to enjoy every moment because she loved me a lot. 

Avi that is so great!!

Brett please let me know.

Avi, I would love to have one of those dreams. That would be wonderful.

  Hi all, I want ed to say that I read all the posts and am happy to hear what you have to say.  Sometimes I don’t know what else to do but come on the website, but there usually isn’t anyone talking in the chat room.  I’d even like to talk on the phone but no one probably wants to do that.  Theresa, I agree that your husband should be supporting you.  I know some men are not emotional, and maybe he’s one of them, but he should care about your feelings no matter what it’s about.  Brett, I’m sorry your girlfriend didn’t work out.  I agree NO ONE could ever fill the void.

  My boyfriend told me he felt helpless and couldn’t stand seeing me like this.  He told me to call him if I wanted to try.  He had stayed with me through the past four years, even though I barely saw him as time went by.  My Mom needed me and I wanted to be with her anyway.  I told him to move on so he could have a normal girlfriend but he stayed because he loves me and my Mom.  

  As far as things around the house, it’s completely heartbreaking.  I live in an in law suite attached to the house where my Granny used to live.  The three of us (and the dog we had) were so close.  My Mom is an only child also.  I try to stay over here but there are still things everywhere.  And she got me almost everything in my place.  I love that but it hurts for some reason.  Everything hurts.  You’re out and you see something or someone says something and it’s like little knives in your back.

  I keep thinking why am I here?  How am I alive?  I didn’t expect to be that’s for sure and I don’t deserve or want to be.  Why arent I in a mental institution or running screaming through the streets.  That would be appropriate behavior.  I don’t even know how to talk to her or 

God because it seems impossible to convey the proportion of disbelief, sorrow, and guilt.  Sometimes when I’m talking about it, I think how am I even able to?  I don’t understand myself or feel like I know myself anymore. 

  I’m sure I’ve said a lot of these things before so I’m a broken record too.  I repeat things to my therapist every week but I need to.  Everyday I want to talk to my Mom.  I think of things from the past and think, why dont I know this or why didn’t I ask about that.  Or she would know the answer to this.  Some stories she told over and over but I’d never tire of them.  I just want her with me again and everything would be right with the world.

One thing in particular struck me as I read that. You had your mom, grandma, and your dog. And now your the last person standing. That's a contest that no one wants to win. You went from a house full of love to a house full of memories. Believe me, I know how much that hurts.

The reason why you are not in a mental institution is because you are not crazy. You are grieving. You are feeling the full weight of the grief that can come with the loss of your mom.

And let me tell you, you don't want to be in a mental institution. There are real true to life crazy people there. I used to volunteer at one. I wasn't there long. It was more than I could stand. I was talking to a man who had clearly tried to hang himself. The rope burns were grotesque, and he had trouble speaking. He saw me looking at his burns and said, "That's nothing. Look at this." And then he turned around and showed me a hole in the back of his head where he had shot himself. There was another man who was curled up in a ball. He ears voices all day. I asked him what the voices tell him. He said, "They tell me to hurt myself and other people." He said they were demons from Hell. Those folks have to be there for their own protection. It's a horrible life for them. The facility also serves as a crisis center. Someone will threaten to kill themselves and they will end up there for a few days. For most people it scares them straight. They realize that they are not crazy and that is no place for them. The Dr's know it, too, and they let them out quickly, knowing that visiting that place may have been the best thing that has ever happened to them because they do not want to come back. They will do whatever they can to get better, or they will realize that they are not as "crazy" as they thought they were.

No, Virginia. You are not crazy. Your writing is too lucid. You are brokenhearted and you are punishing yourself. The grief has led you to full blown depression. That's not being crazy. You have the power to fix this if you are proactive. There are physiological forces at play here. It starts with forgiving yourself. And then deciding to take back your life. Every person on the face of this earth has the right to be happy, including you. You will always miss your mom. There will always be that void. Sometimes when a scar heals you can still see the scar. You will always have a scar. I will, too. So will Theresa and Avi, but life can go on. You can still find happiness in things if only you will. Be your own advocate and take step to get better.

Hi Virginia, 

First of all good to see your post. 

You are not in mental institution because you are not mad. You are in grief and guilt which is common to have as a human being. If being guilty is a mental disorder then 50% of people on this group should find similar institutions. 

You love a mom to an extent that you want to punish for her death. But that will not bring her back to life Virginia. 

It is really sad that partners leave us when we are in grief and sometimes it is for their betterment. Yes not everyone can handle a partner engulfed in grief and sorrow. 

I wish you find peace. My skype Id is avitiwari26@gmail.com and I am from India but I can still join a call at US timings as I do for my work. 

One problem that I am facing these days is concentrating in office. I do not get much motivated working although I cannot quit job as of now. 

Virginia, Brett said it correctly, I myself worked at a mental institution in the personnel department, and let me tell  you that is not where you should be.  Very sad to see what I did day in and day out.

I can tell you God hears you without you even speaking he sees deep into your soul, he knows, he knows what we all are going through.

I will check in later have to get ready for work.

It’s not that I want to be in an institution.  I just thought I’d never be able to live and that it should have drove me to losing my mind.  Although I feel like I have in a way.  I’m not me anymore.  That makes sense because she is my life.

Virginia I am not me anymore either, I view things differently now since my mom passed and how she passed so suddenly and unexpectedly, I live each day like its my last one..

I just want to check in and let you all know I am slowly recovering from the bleed in my brain. Today is the first time I have had the desire and courage to go through my e mails since the beginning of July. I consider this as a sign that there is hope I will return to living my life without the fear I will become overwhelmed and anxious. I really want to find joy in my life again. It does not have to be anything big. A simple feeling of pleasure when looking and smelling the fragrance a beautiful rose would be a step in the right direction. I pray God helps gives me that.

Love to you all,

Bluebell

I think that is a very attainable goal, Bluebell. I find that pleasure with my dog, but I would like to find it in more places as well.

I was very worried about you. Welcome back.

Yes Welcome Back Bluebell, I as Brett said find that pleasure with my dog, and he is 11, I try to enjoy every moment.

I have to say I work alot because it keeps my mind occupied, and I had friends at the pool, but when all is said and done I'm alone and I think of all the phone calls to my mom and my Sunday visits were she would cook.  Sadly my heart still hurts and yes I do cry.  I do pray that I find peace someday...

My little girl is 12 and it's a hard reality to know that the thing I love most probably won't be with me much longer. She is all that I have left of my mom.

This is horrible.

Is she not in good health Brett?
Bluebell

Bluebell, I think she's okay. She's just getting old. She has diabetes and she can't see. All of this just reminds me of her mortality. I saw her sister die last year. There is something so sad about all of this. I have her today but I am holding on to a piece of the past. The last remnant of a past that I love dearly.

How do I get to her?  I need to get to her.

Daylight, to be honest it's not that hard. When I first lost mom I was hurt deeply by many of my "friends" even families indifference, but I got over that pretty quickly. I am just indifferent to them in return, and I am not faking it. Indifference breeds indifference. Friendship is a two way street. When people are indifferent over something that hurts you so badly, your friendship with them was never as strong as you may have thought. There are some people that I used to think of as friends. Now I think of them as acquaintances. Some folks just can't see past their shell. They have their own little world, and until this happens to them, they cannot know. It may have even happened to a lot of them and it may have hurt them greatly, but you learn that you were always an arm's length away from them. You just didn't know it.

Nothing matters, nothing makes sense anymore.  Lost, trapped, alone, scared

You wouldn't have posted if nothing mattered. Don't give up.

I understand how you feel Virginia when you say nothing makes sense anymore. It is like a puzzle that once fit together. But now pieces are either missing or have changed shape.

Bluebell

I wish that I could have handled the loss of my mother better than I have but I do believe that what I am experiencing is a testament to how much I loved my mom. To have gotten through this without scars would have been awkward as well. I would have wondered if my relationship with my mom was as great as I thought. I knew how much I loved my mom when she was alive, and Lord knows, do I ever know it now that she is gone.

I walk over to my moms picture every single night and say mom I love you I hope you know that.

The indifference is hard. I hate it when people ask me how Zim doing or how lifw is... I just want to scream at them “how do you think it is!” My boss constantly asks me and everytime I just respond with a “fine” or “its good.” The other day I was talking about how stressed I was and he ssid, what does a 26 year old stress about- he thought my life was all perfect. I know he means well but seriously! I lost my mom, do you think my life is ok?? I dont tell him this ofcourse because I dont want them pitying me...  I found out I have really bad panic attacks whenever Im sick... I think its the experience of my mom dying so suddenly.. I was sick last week nothing serious just bad fever and chills, probably the flu and I checked myself into the ER because I found myself panicking really thinking to myself that I may die... it was the scariest thing ever... I couldnt breathe and my heartrate was  crazy... There is a new challenge everday... 

Anxiety/panic is awful, I had it so bad after my mom passed I was walking with my legs shaking, it was awful I though I this how I have to live the rest of my life in a state anxiety/panic?

Just awful I understand what you are going through.

Hi All Guys

I was away for few days as I am blessed with a baby girl on 10 Aug 18. Both mother and baby doing fine. 

I planned my baby only as my mother wanted to see her grand child but destiny had other plans. But I hope she has still blessed her when she was born and is taking care of her grand child now. 

Crystal, I also had anxiety attacks earlier and I used to wake up with panic in nights but engaging in different activities like Theressa has helped me overcome it. I get tired by night, talk to my mother for few mins and then I am able to sleep. 

Congratulations Avi!!!!! You have many happy years ahead of you!!!

Thanks a lot Theressa. 

For 4 days it was a roller coaster ride as we were in hospital but now as I am at my home I again get sad feeling my mother's absence. My wife and daughter is at my wife's place as there is no lady at my place to take care. My father is also sad as he believes that if my mother would have been alive then my daughter would have been here with us. 

Your mom is all around you...

Congratulations Avi!

Bluebell

Avi, I am so happy for you. And you are obviously doing better with women than I am...

Thanks BlueBell and Brett. 

Bluebell wishing that you get perfect soon. 

Brett, do you have a skype Id where we can have a call?

Avi, I will message my phone # to you. In fact, anyone who wants to call me can. I am convinced that none of you are strung out crackheads, trolling the internet.

Bret I needed that laugh this morning   lol

I don't know if I have skype but I do have facetime...

Theressa I do not have IPhone so I guess face time I cannot install. Let me know if we can talk over skype, my id is avitiwari26@gmail.com

Today is 3 months when my mother left for her heavenly journey. I am still not able to laugh with ease and sometimes it seems that everything is just running around. Brett, you always used to mention the light at the end of tunnel, it seems that my daughter may be my light at the end of tunnel.

Avi, yes. That is the circle of life.

I have made a decision to take baby steps to recover from the trauma of the bleed in my brain. The first step I am working on is thinking of myself as a whole person who has the desire and courage to return to living a life without thinking of myself as sick or that part of my brain is damaged and I will never be the same. Thank the Lord I have the other frontal portion of my brain that is perfectly fine.

The Doctor said I have recovered enough that I can take Advil again to reduce the inflammation in my back/buttocks. I have started with children's liquid form of it and am building up the dose to find out how my stomach tolerates it.

I want to tell you of an experience I had during a private yoga session. I felt warmth on my left shoulder and arm. It felt like my Mom's presence. In my minds eye, I saw her smiling and all her earthly burdens had been lifted. It also felt like she was there for me with unconditional love with not a judgmental thought directed towards me, herself or anyone else. I am so happy to know she is at peace. Maybe part of that peace is that she has accepted the earthly death of her body and now is enjoying what she has been given in her after life.

Bluebell

Bluebell, so glad for you

I so wish I could have the same experience

I finally after much though realized what it is that I am having a hard time with about my moms death.....why did she go in CA, I cry and realize that I will live with not knowing the rest of my life, my brother who is 17 years older than I, accepts it much easier than I do.

I am the type person who "needs to know why", I cry and cry and just say please tell me why so I can go on with my life.

Maybe one day.....

I can relate. There is no definite diagnosis whether my Mom passed away from her heart condition or respiratory failure. I will never know. But there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. That was out of my control.

I pray that you feel your Mom's presence soon and that it brings you a peaceful moment.

A thought came to my mind that may or may not be true. Are you angry that your Mom left you so suddenly that you had no time to prepare or even entertain the idea in your mind that she would not live forever? This statement is not meant to be harsh. It is something I am asking you to consider.

Bluebell