I’m so scared of everything.  Everything is so wrong.  Nothing makes sense.  I don’t know how to live or want to. 

Virginia, this is hard to answer because you are in a dangerous situation. Words carry a lot of weight to someone who actually listens. Please, if you ever feel the desire or need to harm yourself, call 911.

You identified the problem when you wrote, "That will never happen." You have given yourself a life sentence. You have decided to punish yourself for life. That defies reason. It's also heartbreaking to anyone who cares about you.

You know how to live. You breathe in and out. Having a quality of life is going to require work, and I am afraid that as part of your self imposed punishment, you don't think you deserve to be happy or even content.

That is a big problem. You know that God forgives you. You know that your mother forgives you. What your mom's doctor is doing is somewhat extraordinary. I imagine that he knows you have no reason to feel a lifetime of guilt. Everyone of us here feels guilt. Lord knows I do, but I also know that my guilt is undeserved and self imposed. It's just something that we do to ourselves, like we don't already feel badly enough. Our moms are gone, and it's as if the grief has us so beaten down that we feel guilty about even the notion of being happy again.

Virginia, make good choices.  Any choice that you make that brings you more self imposed pain is a bad choice.

Pamela, my dad was horrible. As great as my mom was, my dad was her polar opposite. Since my mom's death I have met three new sisters. All women that were born while my mom and dad were married. My mom didn't know anything about them. That doesn't even begin to cover my dad's flaws and selfishness. He finally decided that he did not want the responsibility of having children and disappeared. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned.

There is one big difference between our situations. You obviously love your mom regardless of what transpired. I'm a religious guy but I also think for myself. I want very much to be honest with myself. It's not necessarily a matter of forgiving your mom. There's an old saying, "I can forgive but I can't forget." My dad and your mom are gone now. Regardless of what they did, they cannot hurt us anymore unless we let them. My best advice would be this... you love your mom. Love her warts and all. You don't have to approve of anything that she did that caused pain. It's over now. The residue of what she did may still be here, but there is nothing you can do now to change anything that happened. All you can do now is allow yourself to heal. Let it go if you can.

I am asking for your prayers please. I am very afraid of having another bleed in my brain. I am so depressed and so very easily irritated, that it is hard to live with myself. I am not feeling positive about my future. I know this is not related to the loss of my Mom, but since you are all such supportive people, I thought you might be willing to help me.

Bluebell

Bluebell, I have experienced this and it was the scariest time in my life. It was caused by a concussion. After leaving the hospital I had lingering issues. I had trouble putting two and two together. I went back to the ER twice. The consensus was that I may still have bleeding. I didn't understand why they just wouldn't give me another scan to see for themselves. I just had to wait. It seemed to me that the decision was that either I would get better or I wouldn't. I felt very helpless.

You are in my prayers. And we are always here if you ever feel scared. Stay strong my friend.

Bluebell,

Are you having more symptoms to make you think this?  Or is it from the anxiety of the one you had?  Did they say how long it would take for it to resolve?  

Virginia yes I will tell you what she lied about who my father is my mother told me the man who is on my birth certificate was my father but he told me I was not his daughter and I look like my so called step father who raised me since I was a baby then my mother told me she met my step dad in the summer of 61 I was born in spring of 62 then and until she died she insisted the man on my birth certificate was my father she was worried how people would look at her because she lied about my brother who we found out she had an affair and he has a different dad also she was a mean alcoholic and was extremely abusive to us if I ever get the money to pay for a full sibling test I will finally get the peace of mind of the answer that I asked her for no begged her to tell me the truth and she would not everyone in my family believes my step dad is my father unfortunately both possible dads have passed away many years ago sorry to babble on I just wanted to try to explain better thanks

Brett, the dr may realize that he didn’t tell me what was going on in the hospital and that’s why I have all the questions.  I blame myself for getting upset with him, then not seeking him out but he might feel responsible. I don’t know.

I can’t believe your Dad.  Good thing your Mom made up for it.  You turned out great without him.

Thank you Brett. It is very scary. What I do not like the most is the lack of motivation and being so easily fatigued. I am also frustrated with the lack of support from the Doctors. I keep asking it it would be dangerous to increase a certain medication from 5 mgs to 10 mgs. I am getting no straight answers how much the % of a bleed risk would increase and I am being left to make the decision myself. I feel abandoned.

Bluebell

Pamela,

Those are hurtful things you had to deal with.  I am so fortunate that drinking was never a frequent activity with most of my family.  The only thing I can say is this.  I am the one feeling guilty, desperately hoping my Mom and God can forgive all the things I did wrong.  I’m sure your Mom is sorry for what she caused you and is hoping for your forgiveness.

Bluebell, I do not know if you have the same symptoms that I did. It was scary. I was in my shower one day. I was looking at my bottle of shampoo and I couldn't remember what to do with it. And then when I reached for it, it was like my arm was moving in slow motion. In the ER the doctor was explaining to my mom that I had bleeding in my brain. That's why I had been in the hospital. My mom asked him how we would know if it had stopped. He shrugged and said, "He will probably go into a coma." I was sitting right there. I wasn't a zombie. I just felt like one. Days went by with me wondering if the bleeding had stopped. Obviously it did, but I have never been in a mental fog like that. It was scary.

Virginia, tonight at church my prayer group gave you a good praying. And don't even think about telling me that you don't deserve it.

Virginia, my dad was horrible. My mom and my brothers and sister moved to NC where mom had family. I was six. We found a little house to rent. We had left all of our furniture at our house in Ky. I remember the day the moving truck came to our new house. There was nothing in it except for a couple of small things. My dad had sold it all and kept the money. My mom just broke down and cried.

I never saw him again but oddly enough when he was dying the hospital somehow found me. He was on life support. They needed permission to take him off of it when the time came. I gave it. He rallied for a day or two. He was taken off of life support. I actually called him. I said, "Dad, this is your son, Brett." He said, "What do you want? I said, "I don't know dad. It's been 40 years. Just thought I would check in."

What a tool. But my mom more than made up for it.

Hi everyone, I have been reading, going through a tough time with my friend her dog is getting ready to go to the rainbow bridge and that set me into anxiety.  My stomach is flaring up no matter what I eat. 

I started to think about my mom and I cry. I'm tired.

Theresa, since talking to you last I have been searching for a natural solution to your issue. There are new supplements since I went through this about a year and a half ago, but my best advice would be to talk to your doctor about trying a new anti-depressant.

So the dr talked to my therapist and he told her the same things he told me.  I had asked her to try to get more answers.  I actually feel worse because I had someone ask some doctors about using ventilators.  The oncologist told us if there is cancer in the lungs someone won’t get off a ventilator.  That is why I didn’t want her on one.  Other doctors say that’s not necessarily true.  Of course, they didn’t see my Moms records and the ICU dr says she wouldn’t have come off it, however I am left wondering again.  I don’t trust doctors.  I don’t know why I didn’t make them do something.   It’s all so so horrible.

My boyfriend finally gave up.  I don’t blame him at all.

And Brett I will tell you I don’t deserve the prayers, pray for my Mom please.

Hi All, 

Hope every one is doing fine. Last week my father got an infection and was hospitalized so could not follow much here. Now he is better and recovering. 

Virginia, you seem to be totally engrossed in the guilt which I can understand as I feel the same way. Today I saw one community of Gall Bladder Cancer survivor (same disease which my mom had) and I came to know that my mother's cancer was also treatable to some extent and there are people who have successfully got out of this. I was told by my oncologist in India that it was not treatable as it was stage IV. 

This makes me feel devastated as I feel that more research would have helped her. 

Virginia, you mention that you expect forgiveness from God and your mother. I guess they already forgive you, the issue is that we need to forgive ourselves. 

Avi,

I hope your Dad is doing well.  That must have been hard on you being in the hospital.  I am also sorry you are having more guilt like me.  It’s a horrible feeling.  Also one that others don’t understand.

Bluebell how are you?

Ok so my friend had to do the unthinkable, her dog is not suffering anymore.  But it just set off a crying spell with me.

Maybe I need to go to the dr again, for the 10th time.

So he can just look at me and say, do you want to try and anti-depressant.  ugh

Theresa, are you trying too many anti depressants?

Avi I tried one Lexapro I did the pediatric does of 5mg

Ok thanks Theresa. I sometimes want to try them but skeptical. 

Theresa, I finally came to the realization that what I was doing wasn't working for me. And I realized that taking an anti-depressant couldn't be any worse than crying all of the time, not sleeping, and destroying myself with guilt and depression. Trusting your doctor in a situation like this is a leap of faith, but remember that you are in charge of your body. If you don't like the anti-depressant that your doctor prescribes you can always stop taking it and try a different one. Taking the pediatric dose may not cut it. It's a good place to start. It gives you the opportunity to gauge how the medication impacts you, but if it is well tolerated you will probably need to try a higher dose to feel the benefits from it. It takes a while to adjust to an SSRI, but if you can hold on the side effects will lessen. If they do not, you can just taper off and try a new one. Be your own advocate. Do what you have to do to feel better.

One of the most disappointing things about being a Nutritionist is that I will suggest a supplement that I know will help a person, but they will be like, "Well, I'll think about it..." and I know that they won't give it a try. I deal with that daily. I can't prescribe anti-depressants. Only a doctor can do that, but I can certainly see when someone needs one. Give yourself a fighting chance to feel better.

I also would like to hear from Bluebell.

I understand Brett, but I don't want to be "checked out"

They mess with your mind, I just want to be myself again.

Agree Theresa. Just be what you are. 

Guys one thing that helped in this journey of grief is helping others. Please try helping the needy ones. You can also help people in India through my organization if interested. 

It only rains here when I want to go to the pool.

I am worried about Bluebell as well. I think she would have chimed in by now if she was feeling well.

I had a selfish moment today. I actually have a lot of those. I was at the store and I started talking to a really nice elderly man. He recently lost his wife. He told me that at first he just wanted to die. He's from New Jersey. His children live her in NC. They asked him to come down and live near them. He was telling me that the love they have given him has changed his life. Now he's very happy.

I don't have any children. I have a dog. I love my dog but it would be such a blessing to have family rally around you. A support system can make all of the difference. My mom's sisters, when they lost their mom, had husbands and children, and grandchildren. My mom had children and grandchildren. This is a horrible thing to experience alone.

I've never been a lonely person. I enjoy being by myself. I have friends and I have extended family, but I miss having someone to love and look after. I miss unconditional love. I miss giving it and receiving it.

Bluebell, if you are reading, I'm praying for you buddy. I hope that everyone is doing well. As well as they can.

I feel for you Brett if you are fighting all this alone. A big hug from India. 

Last few days were really guilt stricken for me as I was at my hometown and all memories of my mother's treatment were refreshed and it really pains. 

I have started living with the guilt now as I miss her so much. 

The dr from the hospital talked to my therapist.  I didn’t get any more answers.  I am convinced they gave up on her and since I did nothing, I’ll never know if she could have been helped.  I can’t fathom why I acted the way I did.  I don’t know how I live with myself.  Sometimes I think I still haven’t processed everything because if I had I’d running around screaming at the complete horror of it all.  I hope that’s the reason because I don’t understand how I’m functioning at all with the guilt and despair.

So as far as being selfish, I am the most selfish by far.  Even though I think I am at fault in so many ways, I have found myself wanting comfort.  I used to stay in my room all day by myself and cry and think.  Now I find myself not wanting to be alone.  My boyfriend gave up on me because he said I don’t think I deserve to be ok so I never will and I don’t blame him.  Brett, you mentioned having a girlfriend, does she make you feel less alone?  Everyone has their own lives and who wants to be around someone that’s sad all the time?

 All I ever wanted was to be with her, my wonderful Mom, my best friend, my everything.  

Brett, its is supposed to rain here in Pennsylvania for the next week!!!!

I also do not have any children, just my dog.

My brother is much older than I am and his children and all grown and live far away

Virginia, no. She doesn't understand. Her mom is young and healthy.  She has no clue. Still, she could try to be more empathetic. She's in the process of being kicked to the curb.

I met a lady today. She has pancreatic cancer.  She has refused treatment. She wanted to know if there was a holistic way to beat cancer. There is not. She watched her dad go through chemo, saw what it did to him, and he still died. I completely understand. I wonder sometimes if my mom had it to do all over again if she would put herself through the years of treatment again. My mom fought five different forms of cancer. Tons of chemo and radiation. It just destroyed her body, but the alternative is anything but pretty. This lady just wants to have some quality of life before she dies. I hope that she will have it. I think there is an important lesson in this. We wanted our moms to do whatever it would have taken to live longer, to stay with us longer. But they were the ones who had to fight the fight.

Perfectly said Brett. 

We became so selfish at the end (as we love our moms so much that we always want them to be with us) that sometime we ignore their suffering. At least, I did that during the last few days. I even took her to a scan whereas the dr had given up. It caused lot of pain to her as she was extremely weak. 

She became very ill after blood transfusion so I will recommend that terminally ill patients should not be given blood transfusion. She stopped eating after it and even drinking became an issue. 

Sometimes I feel that after few rounds of Chemo I should have stopped further treatment and let her live the way she wanted. 

These shoulda woulda are hell. 

Hi guys I know I havent posted recently but I do keep up with all your posts. Still battling the same things. Ive decided to see a therapist to help me deal through my emotions.  thinking of you all ❤️

Thanks Crystal. Hope it helps you

It was similar for me, Avi. I was putting my mom through too much. It had to stop. My mom was lucid. And she had rights. I nagged her a lot. If I couldn't get her to go to the ER, I would just sneak and call 911. I don't feel guilty about that. She would have done the same if it had been me, but towards the end when it became apparent that she could not be saved, I said, "Okay, mom." She had the right govern her own body. She was still lucid.

The lady I talked to. Her prognosis is bad. Treatment could not save her. It could only extend her life. I completely understand her decision. However, many forms of cancer are treatable, and if it's caught in time, I would hope that any reasonable person would undergo treatment.

Crystal, I hope that therapy will help you. I'm glad that you are being proactive.

Guys yesterday night was great experience. I was remembering my mom since I was on bed to sleep and in the middle of night I experienced some comfort like somebody is talking to me. It may be in dreams as well but it was something different. 

Avi, that's wonderful. I'd like to know more. Did you hear a voice or was it just a feeling like your mom was near?

I heard some voice Brett but it was like myself talking to myself but out of nowhere. I was sleeping with my shoulder underneath my head so that I tell myself that it is paining, then I woke up and yes it was actually paining. Then I changed my position. 

Wow Avi that is so great, she was probably right there next to you.

That would be so nice.

Hi guys 

How all are doing. How are you BlueBell?

Hi Avi, I was just thinking the same thing about everyone, Bluebell, we are hoping you are doing well.

How are you doing Avi?

Theresa. I am just OK. Waiting for wife's delivery which is expected in Aug second week. 

Rest life remains as it is. I get happiness in helping others now. Just trying to help one physically challenged guy get a job in my company. It makes me feel satisfied if my life is worth for somebody else. I miss my mom like anything and cry almost daily. Hope that I will be reunited with her some day some where drives me to live. 

How are you doing Theresa?

Same here theresa. Good thing is that you used to talk to her daily on driving back home which I did not use to do. I used to talk to her once in couple of days before she was diagnosed. 

And also some circumstances were bad at the time of her treatment as well due to which I feel disgusted but yes she is not coming back now and I have to live with this feeling.