Crystal, I harbor plenty of resentment myself. My brothers and sister were not around when my mom was sick. They did not help her, yet when she died they wanted her money. Maybe one day I will be able to let go of that resentment but I am not losing much sleep over it. I just do not want them to be a part of my life. There are times when a person should feel guilty. They have ample reason to feel guilty, that is if they are feeling human beings. That's their baggage. I just do not want to know them. My mom gave too much of herself to have been treated the way she was. I feel like my relationship with them is toxic, and I choose to stay away from them. I feel no guilt about that. Sometimes for our own sake we have to walk away from a toxic environment.

I feel guilty when I laugh or smile, too. That's a problem. I just have to remember that my guilt in that case is unreasonable. It's like when we  were kids and afraid to turn out the lights. There came a time when we realized that the only monsters under the bed were created by our own imaginations. We were doing that to ourselves. Hopefully there comes a point when we say "enough is enough" and we stop torturing ourselves. It's the same thing that we are dealing with now. Your mom would want you to laugh and smile. Doing so does not mean that you love her less or that you have let her go. We have to stop torturing ourselves. That is a conscious choice. 

So today I walked over to my moms picture I have on my bureau and I cried and said please tell me when I won't cry anymore...

I just want to have one day when I won't cry.

Crystal, Like you I also feel guilty when I smile or enjoy. I was on vacation since 4 days but not sure how much I thoroughly enjoyed.

I guess this is natural and I hope we all overcome it and also celebrate one day to gether because the others may not understand our grief and feelings . World is short.

Theressa, same here rarely a day when I dont cry.

Avi, yes world is short...

Yesterday night I had a very unusual experience. At late night I observed that somebody is shouting on me like "is this way to live" but when I came in senses I realized that it was a bad dream. But when it was happening, it seem to be real. Not sure what it was but it was more of concern rather than scolding as I am not taking care of me these days. So most probably my mother want that I should take care of me. 

Avi, deep down we all know that we are punishing ourselves. And I believe that there is a part of us that just wants to smack us and say, "Snap out of it!!" It's not that easy though, but maybe we should all take baby stesps and say,"This can be a good day if I allow it to be." We have to try to be happy again, I think you are doing very well, better than I was at  the same point.

I miss you, Virginia. I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Thank you Brett.  Talking about the guilt, mine is so real because I did more things wrong than right.  Others don’t understand and I tell them, “you weren’t there.”  Cancer is so huge, especially rare types, and everything possible needs to be done to give the best chances.  I failed in all ways and how can someone live with that?  I shouldn’t even be here, why am I here?  To be punished with the pain maybe.

On another note, some people don’t understand my behavior, my depression and get so frustrated they are angry.  Not sure what to do about it.  Guess I’m not treating them right but dont know if I can.

Avi I couldn't say it any better or truthfully than Brett.

Happy 4th of July, God Bless everyone!

Bluebell I hope you are healing.

Virginia, problem with cancer is that it is a group of diseases and you are not sure which part of it will affect the patient. So if you would have done 1 thing right then you will do other things wrong. I also have lot of guilt related to my mother's treatment and I will be living with it through life. The belief that I will meet my mother someday and say Mom I am sorry, I did not take care of you properly.

Your mother has already forgiven you, so now plz forgive yrself.

Virginia, I just can't believe that God is punishing you. He wouldn't have to. You are doing a good enough job punishing yourself. I can understand why friends get frustrated with us. If we are bound and determined to punish ourselves, that's just what we are going to do. That's a road that we choose to walk alone. I am more bothered by 'friends' who cannot understand the pain we feel after losing the person that we love the most. The person who carried us in her womb for nine months. That they should understand, but no one is going to get on board with seeing a grieving person punish themselves for something that they had no control over. You believe that you had more control than you actually did. Just look at how many people die each day from a heart attack. Just imagine how many people say, "If only I had made him go to the doctor..." 

I feel like mom and I made a lot of right choices. She was very sick for 12 years. I still lost her. There comes a point when the body shuts down. I'm just not sure what more you could have done. There are people in this world who should feel very guilty. That's one of the reasons why Hospice assigns a social worker to each patient. There are dying people who were neglected. That boggles my mind. 

I think that you were in the same boat that many of us were. We sit in the waiting room at the hospital or at home and try to come up with ideas that may save our moms. We can't do it. And often times neither can the doctor. They know when the fights over. We do not. There was too much at stake. Too much to lose.

Virginia, God would never punish anyone.  My moms a perfect example of the saying "live everyday like its your last".  God can take us at anytime anywhere at any age.  

When we are in despair we tend to blame ourselves for things we did or didn't do. Its hard but we have to remember the good things in our lives with our mom, try to anyway I guess...

Feeling scared, wish I knew my Mom is ok, wish I could talk to her and hug and kiss her, wish I had everyday

Yes. What I wouldn't give to spend the day with my mom.

I am back to my hometown after 2 weeks and can memorize all the time when my mother was ill. 

It is so hard to believe that it was all destined.

What do you mean destined?  This is not how my Moms life is supposed to be. Why why why?  So who’s fault is it?  All the doctors, mine, the radiologists?  It’s all wrong!!! 

Hi virginia, 

Sorry if I my statement hurt you. I was just meant to say that sometimes it is not in my hands. Definitely, something will be the medium. It can be us, doctors or any other thing. 

Apologies if I hurt you in anyway. 

Avi,

i wasn’t mad at you, just letting out anger, mad at myself and life and the world

Every living breathing thing or being on this earth has a beginning and an end.  When the end is we do not know that or how, that is the mystery of life.  Scary sometimes, but faith gets me through each and every day.

Do I go over what I could have done differently yes of course we all do, but sometimes when someone is so ill, you do not want them in that misery any longer, as I was with my dad.  

I find that the more things I think about that I should have could have didn't do, brings me into a place of fear, uncertainty and sadness.

When they were doing CPR on my mom I heard one nurse say we have a pulse, but what no heart beat how could that be possible my mom looked like a raggedy ann doll, not breathing, maybe the pulse was from them doing CPR I would like to think, then the dr turns to me and says do you want me to continue doing this, I was like what???? omg, is she breathing he said no we are doing it for her, I said no stop please....I had to decide that on my own alone.

I ask God every single day please give me strength.

I am afraid of what comes next......in my opinion nothing is as bad as losing your mom....

Theresa'a first line says it best. Death is the natural conclusion to life. I can't believe for a second that God gave our mom's cancer or heart disease. Generation's pass naturally. One of my mom's doctors once told me that even if we could go our entire life without cancer or heart disease that eventually our lung capacity would diminish and that would kill us.

I think what Avi is saying is that his mother's death was beyond his control. I've seen my great grandparents, grandparents, and both parents die. That is no one's fault. There isn't one person in the world that doctors have kept alive for 200 years as an experiment. It's impossible. 

I completely agree with Theresa. My faith gets me through. Knowing that this is not the end. And that we will be with our mom's again.

Losing your mom is terrible. The day after my mom died, people try to say the right things, but they so rarely do. My aunt said, "My neighbor just lost her child. Think how horrible that would be." That would be horrible. It's all horrible, but I could not have loved my mom more if she had been my own child. My mom was my life. She was the key to my happiness. Losing one of my dogs a few months ago was horrible. I couldn't have loved that dog more. This is no contest. Losing someone that you love, including pets, is horrible. With my mom and my dog, it was all about unconditional love. You can't lose that and not be wounded, and we will always have scars. From our first heartbeat, we are on the clock. I think that we are prepared for our own death, but we will never be ready to lose the people we love most.

This song means a lot to me. We will always have to say goodbye, and we have to say goodbye for the rest of our live's here on earth, but I pray that we will all feel blessed for having loved and for having been loved so much. Our mom's were a gift that we could not keep forever. And we never know why.

But don't give up. Love never dies. We won't see them again in this lifetime, but there is another one to come. And that one lasts forever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBHcUv_42zI

You said my Mom is my life, the key to my happiness.  Exactly.  

Why would God give us the most wonderful gift in the world, for us to love with all our hearts, do everything to protect, only to take it away?

I can’t wait until another lifetime.

Same here Virginia. I cannot wait to meet her again as well. But we can only wait and our moms would like us to reach the destination with happiness or at least content. 

Guilt is the most dangerous emotion because it does not allow you to be happy, eats you from within but our deceased mothers will never want us to feel guilty. They have forgiven us, so please forgive yourself now. 

I was driving home from the market today and was thinking about the last moments I spoke to my mom, and I just broke down crying.

Theresa I feel for you. I was not able to speak to my mom in her last days because she lost ability to speak much. 

Virginia, this is only my opinion. I can't speak for God. I can only tell you what I believe. God did not take your mother away. He didn't take my mother away. All living creatures die. I believe that God receives us after we die, but I do not think he causes a horrible death.

Avi, is so right. Guilt is so dangerous and so often it is not deserved. I mean, if there is a monster out there who took delight in their mother's suffering, of course they should feel guilty. There are people in this world who look forward to their parents death because they want their money. You won't find people like that on this site because they probably are not grieving. You are not a cruel person and you obviously love your mother more than anything.

I am so weary of not feeling well and laying around like a slug on the couch most of the day. If this was the way my Mom felt before she passed away, I am glad she is now free of her physical body.I pray she is happy where she is and has no worries or pain. Yes, I miss her and want her back. But to have her here with me and miserable would only be selfish of me.

I am sorry for being a downer, but I am discouraged right now and want my life back to semi normal. My big outing for the day is putting my baby dog in a rolling cart and pushing him around the block. It gives me exercise and helps me feel safe to walk as I am still off balance.

Bluebell

I was happy and laughing in this picture. I want that person back.

Bluebell

Great pic Bluebell !!

Love the hummingbirds behind you

I know for fact that I’ll never be the same person I was I turned into a really mean impatient  person I don’t know why my mom was always so kind and so caring, i’m laughing because I can hear her now saying to me stop getting so excited you get so nervous why?  I never did have an answer for that

The hanging hummingbirds were one of my Mom's favorites. She loved cats, birds and butterflies.

We will get through this Theresa. If nothing else, I think it will eventually teach us to have more patience with those who are unhappy or grumpy. They are probably in pain just like we are.

I put up a simple picture above the fireplace mantle. All it says is "Breath." It helps me to remember that on a bad day, all I have to do is keep breathing and let time pass. History has taught me that I eventually I will have good days again. I will feel better and my brain will heal itself. I just pray when I have a follow up MRI and another test, that it does not show any malformation of blood vessels in my brain that needs to be corrected with surgery.  I really have an intense dislike to having my freedom taken away at a hospital. 2 days in ICU being hooked up to monitors 24/7 was a bad experience and I want no repeats.

I have another picture propped up on an accent chair. It says "To have a dog is to know what it is to be unconditionally loved." 

Do you think I could replace the word dog with God? Does he love us unconditionally?

Bluebell

I hope so Bluebell. Hope is about all I have.

Bluebell, without a doubt he loves each and everyone of us.  

I remember after my mom passed a priest said to me God is walking right beside you all the time, through good, bad, happy, sad, he will never leave your side.

I truly believe that.

I hope so bluebell that god walks with us and love us unconditionally.

I wish early recovery for you

I want you to get better so that you can dye your hair blue and go back to wearing cat glasses, be the true Bluebell again.

I believe that what Theresa wrote is true, that God is never so close to us as when we are brokenhearted, but there is a veil, and sometimes we just feel very alone. Losing your mom is horrible.

I have no doubt that everything happens for a reason and that God is in charge of everything. "There are no coincidences. God is in charge of everything." - Patrick Moraz

I am posting that not only because I agree with it and believe it, but I feel that I read this today at this time because I needed to.

Lately, I have been missing my parents SO MUCH! I need them more so much! I keep trying to think just what they would say to me and what they would want me to do! I have been having so many challenges in my life and I am very depressed. I thank God for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that He has blessed me with and I count my blessings everyday. Yet, I just need them so much! My Dad has been gone for 23 years and my Mom has been gone for 8 years. It STILL affects me! 

I tried SO much to tell my parents everything that I ever wanted to tell them, ask them about and ask them for forgiveness for. I just feel that I have not lived up to their prayers, hopes and expectations; especially after all they did for me throughout my life. I am feel that I have not lived up to my potential and not lived my dreams. I just would love to be able to know how they feel about where I am in life.

I do not think my parents would be very proud of me. I worry too much and I do not have faith and the child like belief that everything will be alright. I wish I had them of my parents back both back. My Mom would have been 100 yrs old in June and my Dad 111 yrs old July 22nd. My ex husband had a severe stroke at age 39 yrs old. I have no doubt he has passed on too. My sister's husband passed away suddenly in April of this year. So many losses and it is hard to deal with. I pray they are all at peace. I would not mind having some peace on earth for myself. I would not mind feeling that this world is a safe place again.

Bluebell 

Bluebell, seems that you have faced lot of losses and still stand strong.

I wish lot of peace for you on this earth and for your family members in heaven.

The earth is a safe place because there is no alternative. I wish peace for me as well and hope I overcome my guilt.

Douglas I have similar feelings as you have.

Hi everyone, wanted to share this with you guys. Today is the one year anniversary of my mom’s death-and coming across this has helped make today a little more bearable. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTBTBj8NEcw

Above is the song " In the Arms of an Angel."

Bluebell

Douglass, I am with you on so many levels. I have not lived up to my potential, and at this point I am not sure that I will. When life kicks you in the teeth it's hard to get back up. I don't have the child like faith I once did. Now I imagine more ways that things will go wrong than I do ways  that things will go right. That has so much to do with losing my mom. I saw the worst happen.

I certainly love God but the problem I have is this... when I needed my mom all I had to do was talk to her face to face. We can't do that with God. We pray and we hope that our prayers will be answered. We are told that in the end God will wipe all of our tears away, but in this life it's our faith that gets us through. Jesus isn't going to appear in front of me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I have to have faith and look for God's hand in other areas of my life. That's hard to do when you have been wounded so badly.

I don’t agree when people say everything happens for a reason.  Why do horrific things happen?  What is the reason for cancer and disease, especially when it happens to the best people and they did nothing to cause or deserve it.  In fact, they did everything to prevent it.

Crystal,

I feel for you today, that quote is powerful.

Bluebell

i have a magnet that says God spelled backwards is dog

The ICU doctor wants to talk to my therapist.  So I am thinking all about the hospital again.  How I didn’t talk to the doctor, know what was going on, what was I thinking???  Why did I switch to palliative care?  They said morphine would help the heart work less hard.  That sounded like a good thing to me.  Why didn’t they tell me how little time was left?  Why didn’t they try the Bipap instead of doing nothing?  Why did I let them do nothing?  I know I posted this before but I can’t believe I let this happen. I usually am very vocal about her care.  What was I doing?  They gave up and it convinced me to also?  Maybe I should have said to use the ventilator.  No one helped her, after she did everything for me.  Take me Lord I deserve it

The ICU doctor has no right to speak with your therapist unless you give permission. Personally, I do not know why he would want to do that. How would it help you?

I wish I could say or do something that would click with you Virginia that would somehow release you from being so hard on yourself.

Her death was not your fault. It was the disease that took her away. 

Bluebell

Virginia, that saying, "Everything happens for a reason", and "Why do bad things happen to good people", are all overused. Everyone dies, good or bad. God's not picking on the good people. Death is the great equalizer. No one can avoid it.

Like Bluebell, I am kind of shocked that the ICU doctor wants to talk to your therapist, but I do believe his intentions may be good. It could  simply be that he wants your therapist to understand that you had no fault in this, that there was nothing that could be done for your mom. His intentions may be very good. He may just want to help you. I've never even heard of a doctor being willing to go the extra mile like that after the patient has passed. But it could be that I am giving him to much credit. He may just want to give your therapist his own opinion of you, and that may not be flattering. I'm not saying that to be indelicate. I'm just trying to figure out why he would be willing to become so involved. He may want to help you, which could be a very nice gesture. It's completely your decision. If it were me, I would be inclined to let him talk to my therapist, but I don't want to steer you wrong.

Morphine does relax the heart. In my mom's case it relaxed her lungs so that she could breathe easier. But there is more to it than that. Morphine is usually attached to end of life care, just to make the person more comfortable.

I agree with Bluebell. I wish I could think of the right words that would give you peace. I feel a lot of guilt myself, but not about my mother's death. There was nothing that I could do. There was nothing anyone could do. I have said this before, but it needs to be repeated. People do not just die. My mom and your mom were very sick. The ultimate proof of that is that they did die. If you made mistakes, or if the doctors made mistakes, there was very little room for error. No one is perfect. No one is even anywhere near close to perfect. I can tell you that the Bipap is no magic bullet. At best it could have only extended your mom's life for a little while, if that. And there comes a point when the caregiver and the doctors have to think primarily about the care receivers quality of life. Something I learned a long time ago was that my mom reached a point where she was breathing (with help) but she was not living. As much as I miss her, I am glad that she has been released from that.

next month it will be three years since I lost my mom the problem I have is eight days after I lost her I lost my husband as well and I honestly haven't grieved for her at all also I carry a lot of anger when it comes to my mother growing up with her was not easy and all the lies she told are by any standard impossible to forgive and I feel terrible that I feel this way because I do miss her everyday I just don't know how to let go of hurt and anger I do love her and pray to find forgiveness but I know its not working how can I truly find forgiveness when the pain and anger she caused is sitting in the fore front what do I do ?????

I already told the dr he could talk to my therapist.  I couldn’t get answers so maybe she can.  She was a social worker in a cancer center before.  The doctor said he wanted to take away my guilt.  That will never happen.  Besides what I did wrong in the hospital there is so much more.  I should’ve never let it get to that point.  Things were getting increasingly worse the month before and I should’ve asked for a scan sooner.  It’s so heartbreaking to think what she went through and that I didn’t help her.  She loves life and deserves to live.  How could I let this happen to the person I love more than anything

Pamela,

if you want to tell, what kind of things did she lie about?