Great photo Bluebell!

That's just not what I pictured at all. No blue hair. No cat glasses. You probably don't even have a leopard print jumpsuit.

Brett,

 I cried in the oncologists office many times and in the radiologist office so I guess I’m really bad.  I am not strong like her.

I should’ve thought of how she felt instead of my own fear.  I did this the whole four years, let my own feelings take over.  I want another chance.  

Virginia, that is the biggest setback. We do not get a second chance. Yesterday my father told me something that is causing lot of pain, regret but I am still holding up my emotions. He told me about few gestures of me and my wife which used to hurt my mother. I want to rectify my mistakes and say to my mother that those were just temporary and how much I love her. 

God's forbid us this second chance. 

Guys this is my first car, bought specifically as a wish of my deceased mother. She loved red. 

Awesome car Avi

Bluebell

My car is red too. It is such a happy color.

Virginia, I think we would all want a do-over even if we had done everything right. I did cry in front of my mom on many occasions. I can't say that I regret that. I think all of that was an affirmation of love, though I am sure that it caused my mom a good deal of worry as well. I think mom's doctor just wanted me to be particularly strong at certain times. I understand that, but those tears were a manifestation of love. They were also a manifestation of fear and regret. Maybe even selfishness on my part. I was always worried about how my mom's death would impact me. I guess that makes me human. That's all I know how to be.

Avi, I am so happy for you. Here, I think we take having a car for granted. Most of all I am happy for you because you fulfilled one of you mother's wishes.

Avi, your mom knows exactly how much you love her. She knows now more than ever.

Brett do you not work regular hours since you’re up late always?  

Today when I got up I said I was afraid to be awake.  This is how messed up my mind is.

Congratulations Avi!!!! Enjoy!!!

Brett, I am anxious even before I get out of the bed and that starts everything my IBS, anxiety, headache, I will be honest I have taken Lexapro 5mg for a while after my mom passed, I stopped, I felt like a bloated balloon, my dr says I was not even taking the correct dose.  I wish I could find something that works without side effects.

I tried Lexapro Theresa. It made me sick, unfocused, fatigued, gave me motion sickness, and made me sleepy as H E double L. It was not the drug for me. I had an abnormal reaction to it. But it is a good antidepressant for others. 

My head hurts this morning. I keep getting a stabbing pain around my right forehead or temple. No fun at all.

Bluebell

Bluebell, I have friends that take it and love it, not for me, now I am afraid to take something else, my dr. thinks if I can calm my anxiety my IBS will get better.

After my mom passed it was in full force wake up nervous, and that was it the ball started rolling for the day.

When you said what happened to you I freaked out, I get headaches all the time, scared me.

I hope you are feeling better.

So today and every day when I walk by the picture of my mom that I have on my bureau with the candle I light every night, I say mom I miss you and I cry.

I know it shouldn't be that way, I would give almost anything to wake up feeling refreshed and happy, but I have not for 2 1/2 years.

I can't even drag myself back to practicing Yoga, I love it but I just don't have the energy 

Brett any suggestions, you are a nutritionist.  I feel like a big blob.

But does Therea need an antidepressant or an anti anxiety med like Xanax, Ativan, Valium?  Lexapro is one I never took.  I don’t take my anti anxiety meds unless I have to, only because I don’t want anything to add to the numbness of emotions I am having.  I used to shake pretty bad every morning.  That is much less, only shake sometimes now.  I hoped the shaking would kill me.  

So I had been afraid to watch tv, as it’s something my Mom and I loved to do every night.  The only thing I could think of to watch is baseball, since we didn’t usually watch it.  I wasn’t even sure about that because I have happy memories of my parents and I going to double headers when I was younger.  My Mom would make really good sandwiches and we’d bring a cooler.  You were allowed back then.  My Dad knew a guy at work who got us great seats where the players families sat.  We’d get a program and it had the players pictures and their families so we could tell who they were.  A players kid would pulling on my hair, things like that.  Oh to be back there now, how wonderful that would be...

Anyway, somehow I am able to watch it, but doing anything that’s considered pleasurable seems wrong.  Not that I’m happy doing it, but it makes time go by.

Sorry for rambling

An antidepressant shouldn't make you feel numb. If it does, you probably need to find another one. Anti anxiety medicines are a good short term fix, but they only work for the amount of time that they are in your system.  There is a common theme here. Virginia, you said that you shook in the morning. That's a build up of cortisol. And it's interesting to me. This is just my experience. No matter how busy we manage to stay in the light of day. At some point we have to lay down and go to sleep. And it seems like that's when the trauma comes back to haunt us. When we were kids we were afraid of monsters underneath the bed. As grown ups we are afraid of the realities of life. I prefer being scared of the monsters. Real life is a lot scarier to me. My mom would say, "There are no monsters underneath the bed or in your closet." She was right. Real life? We saw our moms die. The security that we had known for our entire lives has been ripped away from us. Of course we are anxious and nervous. Grief has to be dealt with. We can't hide from it. It will find us. There were people in my grief group who had lost their moms years before. They thought they had gotten through it okay but it finally came back to them. Everything truly bad that happens to us is in our memory. The only way to face it is head on. But I know, I have met lots of people who have lost their moms and seemed to get through it just fine. I'm just not one of those people. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt me. I've got deep scars and they need to heal. I hope they do. I have to look down every avenue to find the answer. And if taking medication responsibly helps me, I'm going to take medication. The alternative is not very positive.

Ok so you guys will be confused by what I tell you, I'm going to be blunt since we know each other, my anxiety is sooo bad its affecting my bowels if you know what I mean that crossed with IBS not good, so heres the hard part I have to watch every everything I eat I cannot eat salads, vegetables, hot sauce, onions, fried food, pizza sauce, you name it believe it or not I survive on crackers, tuna in water, polly o string cheese and a glass of white wine.  I'm telling you I should be 80 pounds, but not.  I have had every test upper and lower endo, abd ultrasound, blood work.  

I live this way.  I'm used to it, but I do remember my mom had a sensitive stomach, nothing fancy for her plain jane.

And I do take 1/2 of a .25mg of xanax to sleep, because I take a stupid dosage, I think it it psychological that it helps.

I do take a probiotic, eat Skyr yogurt.

When I get upset or anxious it throws my whole system off and since mom passed its been awful.

I just had blood work he said its fine, ok right.  lol

I'm scared to take an ssri but I would love to find the right one for me.

My mom used to say her brother would have a bottle of Pepto in his car at all times, I was like great so everyone has stomach issues on moms side.  

:(

Hi Theresa. 

For me, mint works amazingly for stomach issues. Please check if you can use mint in any way like in juice or salads. 

I hope perfect health for you. 

Avi believe it or not it does help, I eat a mint and it seems to be calming.  Thank you

How are you enjoying your car?

One more chicken and rice are ok.

That's a small amount of Xanax that you are taking but Xanax could actually contribute to your problem. It's a double edged sword. It will calm you down for a while but it also causes rebound anxiety, meaning that after the effect wears off, you are likely to be more anxious than you would have been if you had not taken Xanax. This applies to Klonopin and Ativan as well. Valium makes me feel wired. Anti anxiety medications do not cure anything. They are a very short term solution. 

I know Brett I thought about the rebound effect, but on such a small dose who knows.  

Ativan made me totally wired, I was shaking so bad from it, I couldn't imagine what it was and then I said to myself could it be that Ativan, and sure enough it was.

Theresa

What happened to me when I tried the Lexapro was very unusual. The bleeding into my brain was also very unusual. I do not take illicit drugs such as cocaine which can spike your blood pressure, I do not have high blood pressure which is a risk factor for a bleed. I might have a malformation of blood vessels in the frontal lobe of my brain which is hidden right now because of the old blood in that area. I will have a repeat MRI and a modified angiogram in August when my body has reabsorbed the old blood so they can see the area. The headache got so bad that I threw up in the shower after mild exercise at LA fitness. That is what drove me to go get it checked out at the ER later that evening. Plus the headache had lasted 7 hours that day which is not normal for me. Discuss your headaches with your MD and he might want to do some diagnostic testing. Try not to worry too much if the headaches have not changed recently. My guess is that they are tension headaches which for most people do not cause intense throbbing headaches and N/V like I had with these ones. But by all means, get them checked out by your MD if they terrify and worry you. 

Bluebell

Thank you Bluebell I did tell the doctor I’ve had them for years they think they are tension migraine and believe it or not food related allergies I’ve also had a rather bad accident when I was younger that I’ve had to have several sinus surgeries so it could be from that however I did go to the eye doctor and told her I had headaches and she did all these very odd tests to see the way back into my head she said everything looked normal who knows

However I hope you’re feeling better

I am getting better every day.

Bluebell

Great to hear this Bluebell that you are getting better. 

Theressa, I enjoyed my first ride to office today and will drive back as you do daily. 

Hi guys, sorry I've been MIA for a while. You guys give me a lot of comfort but sometimes even being here is hard, talking to each other about our moms.

Bluebell, just read what you are going through! I hope you are feeling better! 

I dreamed that my mom was still alive last night. It was very weird. In my dream, I talked to her on the phone and told her I'm coming to visit her- but I never got there.  I dream she was in a nursing home of some sort and I was driving to visit her and kept getting delayed.  When I did get to her, my sister was talking to her on her bed (she looked sick, like she was dying) but then I woke up.  

I guess I dreamed of her because its my birthday tomorrow. She's been on my mind more lately. And her one year is coming soon.  

I remember feeling so happy in my dream like oh shes alive! Started sobbing when I woke up. Life is so hard :( 

Much love to everyone xxo

Crystal.  You were so fortunate to be able to dream of her I wish I could dream of my mom happy birthday to you tomorrow is my moms birthday she would’ve been 95

I hope everyone is doing well it’s been a little quiet here I miss everyone

I don't dream of my mom often at all, and when I do, it's just little snippets, and it is always something bad. Life is hard. Maybe heartbreaking is the more appropriate word for me. I could live with hard. And I don't know how to fix it.

Happy Birthday, Crystal. I know who you most would like to hear Happy Birthday from. And Happy Birthday to Theresa's mom in heaven.

Brett, you brought tears to my eyes, thank you

Thank you guys. Happy birthday to your mom Theresa.  Brett, I am dreaming of my mom less and less frequent. I wonder if it is our memories with them fading :(   I thank God for pictures but sometimes I know I am slowly losing the memory of her voice

Crystal, I think it's good that you do not dream of your mom as often. It may mean that she's not on your mind quite as much. And I think that means that you are healing.

You can tell so much about where you are in your grief journey by your dreams. My dreams about my mom are never good. That's a bad thing. If I ever had a happy dream about my mom, maybe I would know that I am making some progress.

Theresa, there is a reason why I asked what you and Bluebell looked like. I talk to you both so often. I want to know who I am talking to because you are no longer random names on a message board. You have become like family to me. You both have become a part of my daily life.

Hi Crystal, 
Wishing you a very happy birthday. We have not talked in past. I am from India and lost my mom on 15 May 2018 due to stage IV cancer. 

I wish you have a wonderful day. 

Wishing Aunty Ji (Theresa's mother) a very happy birthday in heaven. In India, Aunty Ji means respected Aunty. 

Thank you so much everyone, it means alot to me.

Well I am not photogenic, I wish I had a picture of my mom and I, but I don't, I will briefly post one of myself and then take it down, I hate pictures.  lol

I also am going to post my moms, it will be of her before church on Saturday evening she used to go to the 5pm mass.  She was something else.

Ok I am On the right the girl on my left is my coworker who has moved to Indianapolis she was a lot of fun she was from Brazil

Mom was 91 here, and of course my dogs head is in the picture also.

I miss her so much, I said to my hairdresser yesterday I don't think I will ever get over losing her....

Great to see Theressa.

Guys I am on my first vacation in almost an year. I am in Hyderabad, south of India with friends and trying my best to be happy.

Will post one pic as well

Enjoy Avi!!

I hope that you will have a great time, Avi.

I saw my grief counselor yesterday. She is a psychiatrist. We were talking about this site. I told her that guilt may be the overriding emotion. She nodded her head and said that guilt is the greatest issue that she faces when dealing with grieving people, and that it's unfortunate that so many people who have lost a loved one are so bound and determined to punish themselves.

That's a choice. We don't have to do that to ourselves. We each have to realize that we loved our moms with all of our hearts, and that we did what we could even with all of our foibles. I think only then can we start to find some peace. We will always miss them. That's natural. But the guilt is self inflicted.

Brett, you mean guilt for not doing enough while they were here?

I guess because of the circumstance of my moms death, the only guilt I have is not getting there in time to the hospital it all happened so fast.

I guess maybe if I didn't stop at her house on the way, I would have been at her side...

Theresa, I would say that in your case guilt is even lass warranted than mine. How could you have possibly known that your mom was dying? If the hospital had called you and said, "Your mother is dying. Get here right away!" I'm sure that you would have been there in an instant. There is zero reason for you to feel guilty.

And in my case, I focus on the things that I could have done better instead of the things that I did right. It's always easy to look back in hindsight and see our mistakes.

Brett By reading all of the things that you have done for your mom on here it leaves me at a loss for words you couldn’t have done any more you were They’re right next to her every minute I would say you should not have anything to feel guilty about I’m sure your mom is is and was so proud of you you seem like a wonderful intelligent kind and caring person of course if I look back in my life yes I do have things that I did that weren’t so kind being a little rebellious going through that stage but sometimes when I look back I know my mother did everything in her power to give me the best life possible.   Sometimes if I lost my patience with her even more than recently after I got a chance to think about it I felt horrible but my mother always looked at the brighter side she was always like OK don’t worry honey it’s OK.  When I go and sit at adoration on Fridays from 9 to 10 before I go to work I say every time I go please please don’t let me cry when I get in the chapel I feel like all I want to do when I am there  is cry and cry and cry I said if I don’t stop this I’m not Going to do this anymore then I say to myself knock it off get a grip

Theresa, I made mistakes. It wouldn't matter. The pain of losing mom is so strong that I can feel guilt and remorse over the smallest things. I just went to Target and bought some new cups and glasses. That means throwing the old ones out. My mom bought them. I was going through the checkout line and started to cry. It's like throwing a piece of my mom away.

Last night my little dog peed on my mom's comforter. It was my fault. I got hot last night and pushed it off the bed. Krissy just has this thing about tinkling on anything that is left on the floor. I felt very guilty because my mom loved that comforter. I felt like I let her down.

None of it makes sense really. Mom doesn't need that comforter anymore. It still hurts. It still causes guilt.

And the reality is that we do not become perfect children after our mom's die either. I would bet my last dollar that if I could go back in time and do it all over again, even knowing what I know now, there would still be times when I would be selfish.

There is no easy way out of this. Even if I could somehow come to grips with all of the guilt I feel, there is still the realization that I no longer have my mom. There is not a psychiatrist in the world who can fix that.

Theresa, I just want to add that I think it's wonderful that you cry in adoration. I don't know if people who are not Catholic understand what sitting in adoration means. It means that you are in the presence of the body of Christ. Not a representation of Christ, but Christ himself. That you cry means that you have not been desensitized to what that means. And I can promise you, if you want to be in the presence of your mom, you picked the right place.

Brett, yes we do torture ourselves with guilt but like you said its so hard not too... I too feel so guilty over little things... I feel guilty just smiling sometimes... You’re right I do go longer periods now without thinking about my mother, but when I do grief hits just as it did the day I lost her. Maybe you’re right, even without the guilt the pain of not having our moms will never go away.. but itd be great to be able to deal with just those emotions without guilt always bothering as well... In the first few months of grief, I stayed in my room most days and cried over pictures and videos... then I decided that I needed to stop because it was overwhelming me.. so I went out, hung out with family and friends... I would like to think that that means Im moving forward, but I think alot of it is to keep my mind busy.. It works, but then I feel guilty for having a good time without her. We feel guilty for what we did/didnt do, how we deal with our grief, letting go of grief... it never ends... I miss her so much... Ive decided to look up a therapist to try and let go of my feelings of guilt and resentment towards others... 

Now Im more worried about my anger/resentment issues because its gotten to a point where I am so envious of others and Ive also avoided contact with family members because I havent forgiven them. And I know they must be going through their own guilt but I cant help it.