Avi yes she was so young, my heart aches for  you.

Brett, you are right sometimes I see people who are older and still have their parents, I and think to myself wow that should be my mom. 

Like you said there is no easy way out of this.  Like you my mom was my partner, and my constant companion, I used to talk to her constantly during the day just to see what she was doing, even if I was for a few seconds to say "Mom what are you doing" it used to upset me if she was driving and her bluetooth was hooked up, I was like mom call you later and she would say why, I would say you are driving, she would say its the bluetooth, for her at 90 it was like so out of this world to have something like that because being born in 1923 was a whole different world then compared to now.

"Something else that I thought about today... I wish so much that my mom had lived as long as Bluebell's." 

"but I also realize that is of no comfort to Bluebell. Once you lose your mom, she is gone. There is no easy way." 

You are right Brett. There is no easy way. I would grieve as intensely and miss her horribly no matter what her age was when she passed away. Sometimes I think because she was older, and I had more time with her in my life, that it made it even harder to lose her. But that is just my perception and I do not know if it is true.

My love to all of you,

Daisy

Below is a picture I took at the Dana Point Marina In Orange County California. I thought it might bring a sense of peace and serenity to your day.

Bluebell

Thanks for sharing the pic Bluebell

Love from India

I had a friend who lost her mom in high school. I remember feeling so sorry for her and thinking how horrible that would have been if that had happened to me. My friend was at my mom's funeral. She told me that she would have rather have lost her mom when she did, than to lose my mom when I did. I can kind of see her point. I not only had a lifetime with my mom, we just became inseparable as time went by. But this is not a competition. It's horrible for everyone. There is no ideal way for your mom to die. I will say that I wish I had been retired when my mom passed. I'm not even sure why. It was just hard to start over again after mom died. I was tired. Emotionally exhausted. I still am. It would have been nice to stay at home and collect a pension. But that wasn't how things worked out. I'm still tired. Emotionally, it is so hard to to try to get up the gumption to live each day, not simply exist, but to live each day. I miss her so much. I remember how many times I would sit by her bed and hold her hand while she slept. I would put my forehead on her hand and just pray that she would make it for a little while longer. I miss the feel of her hand in mine. I would kiss her on the forehead and say goodnight. I would always tell her that I loved her. She would mumble (half asleep), "I love you, too. Thanks for taking care of me." That was my purpose. It was as if my whole life had led up to that point. I wasn't ready for it to end.

Brett so touching, it hard every day, to get up and do the same thing over and over again, but with one thing missing our moms, it was a whole life change for me, I used to get up in the morning and call my mom before she went to 7am mass, just making sure she was ok, because she has lived alone for 17 years in the same house she and my dad bought in I think in 1955, then I would call on my way to work and on my way home, then to tell her about my day, and two more times before bed, and the last one at bed time where she would end our conversation by saying "Love you sweetheart".....she was the best mom, patient, kind, compassionate, she had no hate in her and I still am amazed at how many peoples lives she touched, from the 7 Eleven to the Wawa to the Acme and all over.  :(  The photo I am going to try to post is from where she used to go every day for coffee with the gang and sometimes for dinner, the girls who owned it loved her and she had one seat she would sit in all the time.  When I look at it my heart aches.

BE88D643-30C4-406D-9F1C-1AF321458B70.jpeg

Amazing Theresa. It is great that you used to talk to her multiple times in a day because few people like me will live with life long guilt of not talking to their mothers often. 

Thanks for sharing the pic as well. 

Avi you should not have guilt, my brother lived far from her and only spoke maybe once a month, it doesn't mean you don't love her.

Thank you for commenting on the pic

Have a good day or night I don't know what time it is there.

Theresa thanks a lot. I guess guys generally talk less on phone but yes it does not mean that they don't love their parents. 

It is 6 PM in India and I am just about to leave my office. 

Have a great day ahead, I guess it is early morning at your side. 

Yes it is 8:30 am

Have a restful night, namaste my friend....

Theresa, that is a wonderful tribute to your mom. That picture says a lot about the kind of person she was. I guess, for me, the only tribute to my mom is in my heart.

I didn't talk to my mom on the phone. I never had to. She was always with me. It's the silence that bothers me the most. Just hearing her television playing in the sun room. And if my dogs were not under me it was because they were cuddled up next to her. I miss listening to all of the phone conversations between my mom and her sisters. Mom always talked on speaker phone. I never realized the amount of security hearing my mom's voice gave me. As long as I could hear her laugh, all was right with the world. Without her the world just seems like a cold and lonely place. I have plenty of friends and I certainly get out enough, but there was a sense of security that being loved so much provided. I knew how much I mattered to her. I can't replicate that. I can't wave a magic wand and be loved like that again. I can't pray it back.

Avi, obviously you love your mom. But I know what you mean. If I had not lived with my mom I'm sure that I would not have called her as much as Theresa called hers. It's just having something wonderful and that something or someone disappears in an instant. Sometimes I will be at the grocery store and I will see something that my mom would have liked. And then I remember that I can't get it for her now. Sometimes I'll just want to tell my mom about something that happened to me that day, but then I will remember that she is not here to tell. You go from having so much of your mom to not having her at all. The person who loved us most was always there, waiting in the background, and then she's gone. That is so hard to accept.

I know my mom's gone but this is what it feels like... I can imagine driving to my mother's house, knocking on the door, and no one answers. I can imagine looking in the windows and seeing that all of the furniture is gone, and there is no trace that she was ever there. And I am left wondering where she is, but knowing that she is not coming back. I think that is what we are all experiencing now. Somehow our hearts and mines are still trying to figure out what happened. We know what happened but it just doesn't register the way that it should. On a conscious level we know, but deep down we just can't figure it out or accept it. The way things were before was all that we had ever known. We lost our security. The one constant in our lives, our mother's love, is gone. On a spiritual level we can hope that they are still aware of us, still loving us. But we can't hug them. We can't call them on the phone. We can't drop by for a visit. We can't hear their voice. That is a hard pill to swallow.

When I was little, my mom and I were at an outdoor market. I wondered away from her. I remember feeling an intense panic when I looked around and she wasn't there. I told someone that I lost my mom. In an instant, there she was, and I ran into her arms. I'm still at the outdoor market. Only this time there's no grownup to help me find her. I can't run into her arms. I will have to get by on my own.

Agree with you Brett. I also miss small things about my mom. She used to love Ice creams. Whenever I have I remember how she used to love it. 

I miss giving her favorite ice cream to her and how she used to enjoy it. 

I can understand that, Avi. Sometimes I would see something at the grocery store that I thought my mom would like. Something so small could make her happy. Most of all it just meant a lot to her that I had gotten it for her. My mom gave me life. She would get excited if I just got her some chocolate. I always say... no one will ever love you like your mom.

I'm just curious. We have all known each other for a good while now. I have already posted my idea of what Bluebell looks like. I was wrong. I have a clear image of Theresa, too. I see her as being about 5'5", and having long, light brown hair. And she wears reading glasses. Probably drives a Honda or Toyota. I'm curious. What do you guys think I look like? You can be honest. We're family. 

Ok Brett tall thin under 6ft, lite brown hair, very sophisticated, no glasses?

Almost right Brett I am 5'6", short blond bob hair, reading glasses, blue eyes, drives a MB, lol.  You were close though.

Theresa, your description of yourself was my second choice. Sure it was.

I am 6 ft. I live in the gym. I'm a very big boy. I have brown hair, brown eyes, and very dark skin. My mom was very dark as well. 

Brett. That is awesome I am a yogi I practiced a lot after my mother passed away then I had a few injuries that I incurred and I’m trying to get back to it I practice  that is awesome I am a yogi I practiced a lot after my mother passed away then I had a few injuries that I incurred and I’m trying to get back to it I practice harder Hatha 110 degrees

So today wasn’t so great because my 11-year-old Labrador started limping on his front paw I can’t imagine what happened I thought maybe arthritis I cried I thought please God please I can’t bear for something bad to happen to him I prayed to my mom I said please ask God mom.  He is all I have said enough to say   My last Labrador my mom was here and when it was time for his life to end I had her to lean on and I’m so upset and panicked because I’m afraid I don’t have anyone now 

I’m sorry for the repetitive sentence typing on my phone

Theresa, I wish he gets well soon. 

Theresa, I understand. When I lost my little dog Boo a few months ago, I wanted so much to lean on my mom. I have one munchkin left and she is almost 12. She means the world to me. For all the animals that I have had and lost, mom had always been there for me, and she and I still had each other. Little Krissy is all that I have left. I love her. I will say a prayer for your best friend.

Thank you Brett and Avi, my mom used to say "thats life sweetheart", but it doesn't make it easier to watch something I took care of get older and arthritic.

I have to work today everyone have a good day.

 I do have to say I’m the biggest worry wart I wish I wasn’t but I am sometimes I think worrying will not change anything nor will it make it better but it sure does make a difference when I had my mom here she would  give me the strength that I needed sometimes I say to myself is this going to be a battle the rest of my life my sadness 10 years down the road if I’m still here will my heart ache as it does now I don’t know     From what I’ve noticed since losing my mom some people take the death of a parent differently I’ve noticed some people that were caretakers were relieved some people say well my mom was old I feel like besides you all on here I’m the only one that feels that way the way I do but I still miss her and it’s almost been three years    Maybe I should say I was so fortunate to have such a great mom and to have had the relationship that she and I did 

Theresa, it only makes sense that you and I would be worry warts. Life has shown us that the worst can happen. I could face almost anything in life when I had my mom in my corner. If I lost everything else, I still had my mom. That meant everything to me.

I have been amazed by how well some have been able to cope with the loss of their mothers. And I also wonder how and why. Some are lucky enough to have a spouse and children to lean on. That is how the circle of life is supposed to work. Didn't turn out that way for me.

Yes, we were fortunate to have had such wonderful moms, but that they were so wonderful only makes losing them harder. I will always give thanks to God for blessing me with my mom, but life's not over yet. We just have to keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. It's when we stop looking that we lose hope. I have no idea what the future holds for each one of us. I just wish that my mom could have been part of it. Losing my my mom was like Samson losing his hair. She was my strength. If my mom were still alive she would tell me to find strength within myself. That's what she did. It's just not that easy. In fact, it's easily the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and this is not a movie. Happy ending are not guaranteed. I'll keep hoping though. And I will keep praying. That's all I have.

Yes Brett. Hope drives us through life and gives strength to live. Hope that someday somewhere we will meet our loving mother. 

When I look back, some things are becoming a lot more clear. There was too much pressure. I always wanted to do what was right for my mom but that was so hard. I remember when I was working at AA full time. I would have to leave my mom for eight hours. I would go through my work day just hoping that my mom would be okay. I always made sure that she had her medical alert button around her neck, but I also knew that mom may not push that button. More than likely she wouldn't call 911. She would wait until I got home. One night I got home around 4:00 am. Mom had cut her leg. She was on blood thinners and she would lead profusely. I said, "Mom, why didn't you call 911?" She told me that she wanted to wait until I got home. She could have called me at work but she didn't want to "bother me." I got her to the hospital. They patched her up and sent her home. But that only made me feel worse about leaving her.

There came a point when they would not let mom come home. She had to have a caretaker. She was at a rehab center for a few days. I hated the way they treated her. They weren't mean to her. They just seemed indifferent and they treated her like a child. I got her out of there quickly. That place was breaking her spirit.

I left my job and we had some good days. Mom got to the point where she could drive and shop and enjoy life. And then her body just started to break down. That led to Hospice.

That was a hard experience for both of us. For me there was just so much fear. That first day, after the nurse had left, it was just me and mom. All I had to fight with was a Bi-Pap machine and some medicine. I felt so helpless. I knew that something bad could/would happen and all I could do was call Hospice. I knew that I was just going to have to watch my mom die. I had no control. That is such a hard pill to swallow. My mom had so much faith in me, but I knew that I could only do so much. Her doctors couldn't even help her. Looking back, I believe that I was in constant fight or flight mode, and I didn't even realize it. I was cool on the outside but inside I was experiencing intense trauma. Life is hard. We can't realize how hard it is until it slaps us in the face, or kicks us in the gut.

How true Brett

I truly do not know if I would’ve had the strength to watch my mom die I watched my father die and that was bad enough mesothelioma

Theresa, for me it was a lot of smoke and mirrors. I tried to convince my mom that I was okay. I tried to convince myself that I was okay. I was fooling myself. And deep down I knew that. It wasn't a matter of having the strength to do it. I didn't have a choice, and I sure wasn't going to let my mom see me panic. She had her own worries to deal with without me giving her even more to worry about. It all just makes me miss the days when everything was okay. What I wouldn't give to just be sitting here watching tv with my mom, steaks marinating in the kitchen. I can't have those days back, and that's what breaks my heart. I can close my eyes and remember those days like they were just here, but I can't go back. No one can. Now the issue is facing today and tomorrow.

You said it facing today and tomorrow that’s the hard part now

I feel like the day my mom died, it was like I pushed away from the dock in a little boat. Now I am way out at sea. I've got provisions, food and water, but I'm just surviving. I hope things will get better. I can't do it on my own. I know. I've tried. I need help from up above. I need a miracle.

Virginia, if you are still reading, I think about you and pray for you each day.

I just got out of the hospital today after being there since the 21st. I had a minor bleed in the frontal lobe of my brain. I am going to be okay. I am just left with a headache and some nausea until the blood is reabsorbed and the swelling goes away. 

Bluebell

Buebell, do you know what caused that, and how did you discover it? That sounds scary.

Bluebell,

did you fall?  I hope you are ok.

Theresa,

I’m sorry your dog is still having problems.  I used to worry about my dog all the time.  I even had the vet’s email.

Brett,

what did the vet say about the lump your dog has?

Avi,

hope all is well with you and your family, or as well as can be

Brett,

back to your post about depression. I had severe depression, ocd, and anxiety while my Mom was sick.  I got ocd in college, it was controlled by antidepressants until she got sick.  My obsession was with germs so with the chemo, I was terrified of her getting sick and it got totally out of control.  I went to several doctors and tried different meds but nothing helped.  I needed to do cognitive therapy and I didn’t put the mental work in. I was too lazy and it was too scary.  My Mom worried about me all the time, in fact, at every oncologist appointment she’d be talking about me.  The doctor would try to make suggestions and I’d say, this is not my appointment.  I should have realized that her doctor wanted me to get my problems under control because it was affecting my Mom.  A huge mistake I made was not getting a grip on my own issues in order to better take care of hers.  The whole past year I could barely function.  I slept most of the time to escape.  I was next to her if she needed me, but she would even ask if the tv would bother me.  I was just reading an article on caregivers about how they may have to deal with anger and frustration from patients.  I was the one with the frustration and she had to deal with me.

  Now, my ocd, as far as fearing germs, has totally subsided, because I don’t care anymore.  Of course I still have depression, however sleep doesn’t feel good like it used to.  I’m afraid to hurt myself because I don’t want to ruin my chance to get to Heaven to be with her.  That’s all I have left.  But like you said, who wants to possibly wait thirty or forty years?

  My Mom had just turned seventy.  We didn’t even get a chance to celebrate her birthday.  I wanted to do something special.  I remember thinking seventy was getting old and being scared.  Now I realize how young it actually is and all the years she still deserves to be doing everything she loves.  That kills me.

Bluebell,

 you mentioned about feeling good about quitting my job.  This gives me no comfort.  As I see it, I was so unbelievably fortunate and lucky to be financially able to do so.  And I wasn’t in love with my job either.  I’d rather be home with my Mom any day.  However taking care of her was a much harder job for me.  

  Brett you mentioned you’re a night owl.  So am I and so is my Mom.  But she could also get away with little sleep.  I don’t know how she did it. She was always like that.  After a certain age, I always wanted to sleep whenever I could, except at night.  She’d tell me to stop wasting my life and now it’s a huge regret.  I could have spent that time with her.  It’s especially disturbing that I slept while she was sick.  How could I do that to her?  I was supposed to be taking care of her.  I wasted my opportunity to give her the best care, love, and emotional support.

Brett, 

  You mentioned being lost when you were young in an outdoor market.  I keep thinking of a time, not that many years ago.  My Mom and I were at the casino and I went to look for her.  I couldn’t find her and was convinced something had happened.  I had a worker helping me look and we checked our room.  She wasn’t there.  They checked on the computer which slot machine her card was last.  She wasn’t there.  Finally someone found her, I went running through the casino bawling into her arms.  I wish I could do that now and never let go.

Virginia, you just hit the nail right on the head. I do not like to push my religious beliefs on anyone. Even in my darkest days my biggest fear about hurting myself was that I didn't want to blow my chance of going to heaven and being with my mom. Normally I don't like when the church uses fear to make people fall in line, but I tell you what, if fear of Hell keeps someone from killing themselves, that may not be a bad thing. If someone chooses to live, if they keep trying, maybe, just maybe, they can find a way out of the depression that has them weighed down. And I'm not trying to be funny, but with my luck the past couple of years, I could just see me being damned to Hell and never seeing my mom again. So, in a way we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are other reasons why I never hurt myself. There is nothing that I could do that would hurt my mom more. Even in heaven I could just see my mom pleading with me not to do it. Two. It's just not my nature to hurt someone, including myself. I just think it's wrong. I will not judge people like my friend Charles because I just can't fathom the kind of pain that he must have been in. I know pain, but I don't know it to the extent that he experienced it. I want to believe that God would not punish someone who was that sick, but I don't know. I'm not God. I won't play God. I just know that my conscience was telling me that it was very wrong to harm myself.

There is something else. I don't know one person who was once suicidal that wishes that they had followed through with it. Those dark thoughts are like an itch. They climax and then they subside. There is always hope that you can be happy again.

I think you were right about your mom's doctor. He probably did see that your mom was worried about you. One of my mom's doctors, her main doctor, once called me out for crying in the waiting room. He told me that there wasn't time for that, and that I needed to be strong for my mother. He didn't want her to see me like that. He was right. There was time to cry later. My mom knew perfectly well how much I loved her.

About medication... it can take a long, long time to find the right one. When you do find the right one, it can make a world of difference.

About Krissy... thank you so much for remembering. Her lump was benign. It's just a growth that dogs sometimes get as they age. That was very good news. She's curled up at my feet right now.

Don't be a stranger. I know you are in pain. We are all here for you. That's not just lip service. We understand very well how much this hurts.  

Virginia, someone will help you find your mom again. If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be on this site. I would just wallow in misery. You will hug your mom again. And you will never have to say goodbye again.

I noticed none of you commented on the numbness I have.  I guess none of you experienced it.  It drives me insane.  I googled it on this website and found some posts where people had it.  My therapist keeps telling me it’s normal but to me it makes no sense.  How can the worst thing that ever happened to me stop my emotions?  It should be the opposite.  I’d rather feel the pain.  Like Brett said, I feel closer to her when I cry.  Can your mind logically know something happened and at the same time block it out?  It’s my nature to analyze everything and this is driving me crazy.

Before if we were even watching a tv show and something happened to someone’s mother I couldn’t stand it.  If I heard someone lost their mother, I literally could not fathom it.  If I thought about it, I pictured myself driving to the middle of nowhere and just dying.  How am I still here?  How am I able to live and why?

Also Brett, thank you for the comment that you were thinking of me.  And don’t pray for me, pray that my Mom is ok.

If we lived close, I think we’d be great friends.

Your mom is okay. You deserve prayers. God loves you more than you can fathom. We are great friends.

You know why you are numb. That's a defense mechanism. You feel all of this. It's in there somewhere.

Reading bothers me so I can not go over any of your posts> But I am thinking of all of you.

I had symptoms I could not ignore such as an intense headache that did not go away and nothing stayed in my stomach. It was scary and still is. But I will recover and not have any further health problems from it. The bleed is stable. I just have to wait until my body reabsorbs the old blood. Mean time, I still have throbbing pain on one side of my head which I can take pain medication for and nausea which I also take medication for. Thank the Lord for a good friend who is helping with taking care of my dear dog and cats.

With all my sister has gone through with just losing her husband, this was the topper. She was afraid she would lose me too. But I am a fighter and I am still here. I would not let her come to the hospital. She has been through too much to have that shoved back in her face.

Bluebell

Bluebell

Omg Bluebell, what happened I was wondering where you were, that scares me I get headaches all the time.

Please tell us what happened.

Praying for you Bluebell.

Sorry my computer is a little behind everyones posts are not showing up unless I click on them  sorry

Virginia, I had numbness when my mother took her last breath in ICU. I did not know what to do and doctor told me that she is not in good condition and just let her go. I requested them to try their best but did not ask too many questions. This was because of numbness which is brought by fear. So you are not alone who felt like this.

And I hope the belief that we will meet our loved ones somewhere someday stays intact till our journey ends.

Bluebell wish you are fine. Plz take care.

I did not fall. I do not have high blood pressure. It was just a fluke with no apparent cause at this time.

I am thinking of you all and wishing you the best. It makes me dizzy to read very much, so I have to keep it simple.

I love you all. I am walking the same path as you all are. You are not alone and you feelings are normal. I hear and understand all of what you all are going through and empathize. My prayers and thoughts are with you daily.

Bluebell