Bluebell, magnesium is best absorbed through the skin. Drinking it in powdered form is the next best way. It is such a key mineral that is vital for cellular function. It does relieve sore muscles. You could apply it directly to the skin, or take a bath with magnesium oil in the water. I believe that you can also find it in a powdered form that is made specifically for baths. Some people find that rubbing magnesium oil directly on the skin can cause irritation. I take it in a powdered form before bed. It definitely relaxes the muscles. If you are having back pain I would suggest taking a bath in it. One drawback to taking it orally is that is competes with other minerals and some medications for absorption. That's not an issue when you take a bath with it. It's absorbed directly into the bloodstream. A lot of holistic treatments are hit and miss, but not magnesium. It will work.

I want to add, I am never notified (for some reason) when I have a private message. Sometimes I don't see them for months.

PS: The easiest way to take a magnesium bath is to use Epsom salts. Pour two or three cups into a hot bath. You can also purchase magnesium flakes.

Thank you Brett,

I have epsom salts and it does help to soak in a warm bath for about 20 minutes. Can I also use the Magnesium oil in addition to the bath? I do not want to get too much Magnesium in my system.

I also read that B12 liquid under the tongue helps with Magnesium absorption. Is that true?

Bluebell

Hi All, 

Yesterday night was pretty fine for me. Although I was alone in my house but was able to sleep well. I had two dreams both I do not remember clearly but I wake up twice in shock, then realized it was a dream. 

Brett, I agree with your statements and the only belief that we will meet our loved ones someday in heaven or in the journey gives you motivation to live. Also I watched a video recently that states that please do not move on after a loved ones death, instead do something in his/her name so that people remember you and your loved ones. My mother was a Hindi Literature teacher so I have decided that I will teach underprivileged kids near my home whenever feasible. 

Avi, that's wonderful. My mom was always doing "pay it forwards" for people. I try to do that as often as I can, and I tell them that I am doing it to honor my mother.

Bluebell, You can use magnesium oil as well. Some people find that it makes their skin dry and itchy, but most people do not have an issue with it. It's worth a shot. Most people are magnesium deficient. The soil is not as magnesium rich as it once was. B-12 may help with absorption, but if you apply it directly you will not have an issue with absorption. It's easy to tell if you are getting too much magnesium. It relaxes bowel muscles as well. Some forms of magnesium are more easily absorbed than others.  I believe that magnesium citrate is best. Regular magnesium and magnesium oxide are are not as absorbed (orally) as well.

Avi, that's what I believe. I would love to have a dream about my mom, particularly if I believed that is was really her, but more than that, I want to be in heaven with her one day. When my grandma died, the last thing she said was, "Mama!" 

Thank you Brett. I am going use both the epsom soaks and magnesium oil to see if it helps get this pain under control.

Avi. It is a wonderful thing to have chosen to teach underprivileged kids

Bluebell

Wow Avi that's wonderful, I am sure your mom would be proud.

Hi All, 

I started my day positively today and would like to continue the positivity throughout. I am doing all things that I do on a normal office day.

I admire your attitude and strength.

Bluebell

So do I. I think you are going to be okay, Avi.

Today had a very busy day but I guess being busy give some relief in your grief.

But now when I returned back to home, grief started taking control. 

It does feel good to be active, particularly when you are doing something positive, but all of this is still fresh for you. My hope is that your grief will abate over time. Just keep moving forward.

My sister's husband's Celebration of Life party is going to be on Saturday. It will involve the whole neighborhood and other people of the community where he lived. There will be a band and lots of food and people. I think it is a wonderful event, but hard at the same time. I just feel so sad. I know this thread is about our Mom's, but grief is grief. I miss him.

Bluebell

Respect your emitions bluebell but have a blast.

Wise words Avi. Thank you.

Bluebell

I am also going for a small party today in my office. Sometimes it helps. 

Also last night I really felt that there were few energies at my home not sure if positive or negative but I was feeling something. 

That's an interesting thing to post, Avi. The lady who bought my mom's house told me that she could feel a strong sense of love in that house. There is no doubt that energy is real. And I have wondered the same thing. I don't know if the energy that surrounds me here is positive or negative. I feel so low but there is a lot of love in my heart as well.

I took the advice of a friend who is spiritual and also has deep religious beliefs. I got some sage smudge spray to help with clearing negative energy in the house and used it. I figured it would not hurt and I liked the way it smelled.

Bluebell

I like the way sage smells, too. One thing I have always found interesting is that if you look at someone through thermal imagery, obviously there is something going on beyond just body heat. But I really don't know much about it. I think that we create positive or negative energy, but it's also possible that it could come from external forces, whatever they may be.

PS: I have no idea what I am talking about here. Just speculating.

I have read some things similar to what you are talking about Bret, so you are not the only one who has speculated about it. But like you, I do not know for sure and am not a true believer. But I am also not discounting them as being true.

Bluebell

I saw something on the Discovery channel once that was fascinating. It was a clinical test. There were two men. The first man was told to focus completely on the second man. The second man was asked to keep his mind as blank as possible. The test was shown through a FLIHR camera. You could see energy leaving the first man and surrounding the second man. It makes you aware of how a person's energy could impact another person. If you are around someone who is always negative, that may actually impact the way you feel.

I'm talking about something different though. Is it possible that external forces (like our moms) could possibly impact our home environment? Is it possible that we can still feel their presence this way?

Hi Guys

Posting late at night from India. I went to an office party and tried to do whatever is expected from an employee. Drink, dance, meet lot of people but at the end feels a great void created by my mother's death.

I wish things will improve in future.

Good night all. 

Avi, I know that feeling. That's why I say sometimes that I can only be so happy. I could be having the best day in the world but at some point I am going to remember that my mom is gone. I think it will get better for you. I just don't know when. Just keep moving.

Emotional event today. I am going to a Celebration of Life party for my sister's husband. Tears are normal at a time like this. I am going to do my best not to fight them or fight any laughter I feel when sharing memories with others.

Bluebell

 Bluebell and Brett I know exactly what you’re talking about I have felt such energy from my mom when I went into her house it was a very strange feeling sometimes I get that feeling now.    So this is just a question that I will throw out many times which is against my religion I was thinking of going to a psychic just for curiosity sake.  

Avi  when your mind is preoccupied it seems to be good when that leaves it hits at least it does for me till this day    Sometimes I’ll be driving home from work and I’ll start crying because I used to talk to my mom every day on the way home from work and I said mom why couldn’t you have waited for me to get there why couldn’t I be there mom why didn’t you wait no one has answered me yet but I do have one thing I know for sure one day all of my questions will be answered and I know that 

 Sometimes I just sit here and think mom you should be here right now I say that because when you talk to somebody and they seem perfectly normal they talk to you like they do any other day and they tell you I’ll meet you at the hospital with no urgency but just doesn’t seem right   I guess that’s the way goes and I’ll live with that the rest of my life 

 Bluebell I hope you have a good time it’s good to be around people at least it helps me sometimes 

Bluebell, wishing u enjoyable time and your sister's husband will give blessings to all. And it is really great to hear celebration of life party. In India, it is not very common. 

Theresa, this is really a soothing feeling that you always used to talk to your mother while driving home. I will always regret of not talking to my mother enough. I respect your feelings.

Theresa, one thing I can tell you for sure is that feeling of, "You should still be here", stays with us regardless. I knew my mom was dying, but I had talked to her every day of my life. I went from having a constant companion to having nothing of her. That is so hard to reconcile in my mind. The first couple of days after she died I was aware that she was gone. After a few days I was like, "Okay. I want to talk to my mom now." That I can't have that is so hard. Wondering where all of those years went. Sometimes I'll hear a song on the radio. I will think, "That song is from the 80's. My mom still had a long life ahead of her." I will read a book and look at the copyright date and think, "Mom lived for five years after this book was published." I always want to go back. I always want a do-over.

I can't say that I have felt any kind of energy from my mom. I just wonder if it is there but I am too blind to see it.

I have no idea ow to advise you on the psychic thing. This has really become a sore spot for me. My girlfriend tells me that it is blasphemous, and that I will get somebody, but it won't be my mother. She even tells me not to talk to my mom or invoke her in any way. This is especially frustrating for me because she still has her mother and father. She has no idea what this feels like.

There are other people who I have talked to who think it is all a big scam, that a psychic will tell you just enough to make you think that they are legitimate.

And I have other friends who are all for it.

I have watched Theresa Caputo, and if she is faking, she sure is awful good at it. But how do you know if you will get a psychic that really has that gift? Some of them are full of crap. I have gotten a message on this site, a form letter actually, from a woman who claims that my "loved one" has a message for me. I just have to pay her to find out what that message is. I wrote her back it wasn't nice. That a person could come to a site like this and prey on grieving people is sickening.

Of all the things I have heard, someone telling me that I will offend God, that is the hardest pill to swallow. Like I'm not miserable enough. And then to have someone lay that burden on me. If anyone knows how much I miss my mom, it's God.

Lastly, I have to realize that things will never be the same. I want to hug my mom. I want to make eye contact with her. I can't have that. I could have the most gifted psychic in the world, and he/she couldn't give me that. But you have a unique situation. I can understand why you would want to communicate with your mom. I can understand why any of us would want to communicate with our moms.

Brett, yes why should one prey on my grievance. This is really if true.

In Hinduism, it is not considered to disturb a soul after it left the body. It is believed that now the soul is with its creator so better the soul be in peace.

Avi thats right, leave the soul be in peace..

I sometimes wonder if my anguish and pain is known by my mom, I would say no because she is a peace would God let here see her child in pain.

I know this if off the subject but I want to tell everyone, I will abbreviate it as much as possible    my brother after he came home from Viet Nam he was in the Marines, hitch hiked to Salt Lake City Utah he wasn't himself as you can imagine, I was only 5 years old.

However a guy on a motorcycle picked him up and to make a long story short the guy was making a U turn and wiped out and my brother was hit by three cars on the highway so hard his pants, shoes and socks came off, he landed on the shoulder he told me this he heard people talking he couldn't feel anything, but he said above his head he heard wings flapping, just to let you know he was very very close to our Grandmom who passed, he said the wings stayed above him until the ambulance came then he heard them getting further away.  True story........he almost died, but it wasn't his time.  I won't go on but you can imagine so sad.  I make him tell me the story because I know it was my grandmother who stayed with him until help came, I truly believe it.  Til this day my brother sees figures of deceased family, he said after mom died my dad was standing in his doorway and he said as fast as he was there he was gone.  None of us have seen mom yet.

Brett, 

why would your girlfriend say not to talk to your mother?  I don’t understand that.  I guess it’s a very personal part of grieving.  I feel bad when I don’t talk to her enough.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I feel like I don’t even grieve right.  You talk about how your Mom was a constant companion and now there’s nothing.  It’s the same for me and I cannot live with it.  I can’t bear what happened to her, nothing makes sense, the guilt is tremendous, and I can’t live without her.  I know everyone is trying to be positive but it’s how I feel.  

Yeah, it's a hard thing when we feel this badly and people will even criticize the way we grieve. When I look back over the past two and a half years, I can probably say that I have gotten more bad advice than good. Though I will say that most of the bad advice was well intended. People just don't know what to say. First they have to understand how and what we feel. It's a rare thing to find someone who truly gets it.

I know for myself there came a time when I had to be my own advocate. I had to filter out the bad advice, even when it was coming from my own mind. Grief has forced me to punish myself. That is an undeserved trap that grieving people fall into. There is only one way that I know of to find daylight. We have to keep fighting for life. The sun is going to come up every day. Our moms are gone from here but we are still breathing. I used to say that happiness is a choice. Now, I am not entirely sure if that's true. I mean, I sure wouldn't choose to be unhappy. There's a lot at play here. Missing my mom is bad enough. An inner desire to punish myself is forcing even more grief on me. I have to break that cycle. If I really do choose to be happy I know that I am going to have to fight for it. Life, including my own will go on regardless. I'm going to ride this out until its natural conclusion. 

I choose to live, so I will take baby steps every day until I can walk again.

Virginia, today I felt extreme guilt and was not able to prepare for an imp interview on tuesday. Guilt was mainly related to her care in the last 15 days where her disease was progressing.
So I respect your feelings and understand that sometimes you have such feelings

The celebration of life went well. I even spoke a few words to the crowd. That was very hard because I do not like public speaking, but I was driven to do it. I had to tell the people what it was that I missed the most about my sister's husband. So I said, "What I miss about ****** is how much he loved my sister and enriched her life. That is what I miss the most."

If my Mom is not at peace because she wants to be here to help me, I do not want that for her.

Bluebell

Great to hear that bluebell. 

Hey all, how are you guys doing? Havent checked in in awhile, been pretty busy with work.. Guess its a good thing cause then Im not thinking about my mom constantly.. I wonder, when do we become comfortable when we’re alone? I feel like when Im with friends or coworkers, I get the distraction I need.. but tge moment I walk into my house, the ferlings of anguish and grief just wash over me again.. I’ve gotten to the point where Im just trying to fill my days with anything. Theresa, I just read your post saying something similar. This is so hard. 

Sorry for the typos. Using my phone. 

No worries Crystal. The keypads on phones can make it difficult to get everything perfect.

It is hard. Nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel after my Mom passed away. But it does get less intense and becomes more of a low hum instead of a million marching bands.

Bluebell

I agree with Crystal that when we are surrounded with people, the grief gets some relief and the next moment when we are alone it again encircles us. I also have similar experiences. 

Crystal, Bluebell said it the way I would.

Hi everyone,

I've been reading your posts for a while, but I haven't dared  post anything myself. In the fisrt place, I'd like to thank you for sharing your stories. They all have helped me coping with my terrible lost. I'll share mine with you as briefly as I can. 

My mom died  on January 11, 2018. She was 72 years old and looked younger than she was. We all knew she was healthy. She had had some regular blood tests months earlier, and they came back ok. Then, towards the last days of November, she began feeling itchy. I lived with her, and we both thought a bug has stung her. She took some pills but she wasn't feeling better.To make a long story short, she had another blood test because as days went by she started looking yellow. The results were bad, and doctors asked for a PET scan. The result: Gallbladder cancer stage 4. They told us, there was nothing to do. It was too late. She never knew because my her three older children and I decided to keep it from her. We wanted that she lived her last days calmly. The thing is that her other children didn't live with her. I did, and I saw her health declining minute after meaning. It was literally going through hell. Now, feel so terribly guilty for not telling her the truth. It has become a burden to heavy to carry on my own. 

Thank you all for reading my post. 

Kind regards from Argentina.

Daylight,

 As you have probably read, we all have guilt, I could write a book of everything I’ve done wrong.  I don’t know how to live with it.  However, what you and your family did was with the best intentions and you know your mother best.  It’s probably what she would have wanted.  You can share your feelings here as much as you want.  

Daylight, please don't feel badly, we never told my Dad he had mesothelioma cancer from asbestos, he just thought he had a lung problem, he died not knowing, sometime less is better depending on the situation.

My best.....

Daylight.

I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. It has not been that long, so I am guessing the grief in very intense right now

Guilt about what we should have done seems to be a common feeling that a lot of us share. It seems to be a stage we have to go through. Even after 1 year and about 4 months after my Mom's death, these thoughts still creep in and I torture myself with them. But they are less frequent and coming here to talk about them has helped. I have received reassurance that I did what I thought was best. I did the right thing and I do not need to beat myself up about the "what if I just had done this or that instead of what of actually happened."

My best to you. I am glad you reached out to us.

Bluebell

Daylight, you just made me remember all my painful moments.

Same pinch. Mother did not have any prob till sep 17, and in oct 17 diagnosed with the same cancer as aunty i.e. gall bladder cancer stage 4. She died on 15 May 18.

I do not know what to say much but I can understand your guilt right from my heart and wish that you overcome it soon so that you stay healthy and happy. Your mother is still with you and would like you to be happy.

Crystal, sometimes I think I miss my mom most when I am in a crowd of people. I don't know why. I do feel closer to my mom when I am alone. I can focus on her more. I don't have distractions, but it all hurts. There was a time though when it helped me to keep busy. That was very hard at first. I had quit my job to be with my mom. Months went by before I was working again. I tired to find other ways to stay busy. I volunteered, I took care of the gardens at the church. I went to church a lot more. It wasn't enough though. Having a career like yours would certainly be a blessing. You are not only working hard and keeping your mind occupied, you are also helping others.

Sooner or later we all have to face ourselves alone. We have to make peace with ourselves. For me it's still not guilt that keeps me up at night. It's simply missing my mom. I just miss her so much. I used to be afraid of alone time. Now, I can bear it better. I don't know why. Maybe that is just grief's natural progression. It is a low hum, but even a low hum can drive you crazy. Just remember that your mom is okay now. Take solace in knowing that she is at peace now, and that is no small thing. My mom suffered greatly before dying. It gives me peace to know that she will never be sick again. There is no need for Medicare in heaven. I know my mom's okay. I hope that we will all be okay, too. It sure doesn't happen over night. We have all learned that. It has not been long since you lost your mom. There was a time, before my mom died, that I would have thought that several months was a long time. I know better now. It's been two and a half years for me and I still think it's early. But this is not like the flu where a doctor can guesstimate the length of its course. It is different for every single person.

Daylight, this is one of the few times in my life when I have been at a loss for words. No, I do not think you did anything wrong. You just wanted your mom to know some peace in her last days. What is kind of a head scratcher for me is just wondering how you were all able to keep this from your mom. I only have my experience with my mom to draw on. My mom was sick for so long and there had been so many doctors. She was made very aware of everything that was happening to her. Even in your case, it is kind of surprising to me that you were able to keep a doctor from talking to her about her illness. Even in  the end of my moms days, before she went on Hospice, her doctors would come to her room and talk to her. Even if I had been at the hospital 24 hours a day, I don't think I could have kept my mom from finding out. And she certainly knew what going on Hospice meant. I imagine that most doctors would say that a patient has a right to know. I would want to know. But knowing does put a heavy burden on the person who is dying. They suddenly have to deal with their own mortality. That can cause a ton of fear and sadness. Some people are terrified by the notion of closing their eyes for the last time. I know it scares me. Death is something that we cannot control. We have no say in the matter.

I realize that sometimes sickness happens very quickly. It can also happen over the course of just a couple of days. Sometimes the person is just too sick to grasp what is happening to them.

Do you feel like your mom knew that she was dying? Even if she didn't know why? It could be that your mom was being protective of you as well and kept that knowledge to herself. My mom realized for a long time before I did that she was dying. She didn't tell me. She wanted to protect me.

I'm sorry that your mom is gone. I'm sorry that you had to say goodbye. Sometimes we don't say goodbye with words. It's just an inner feeling that we have. I had never really looked at my mom until I knew she was dying. And then there was so much power in our gazes. We were speaking to each other without words. Who knows us better than our moms?

Dear Virginia, Theresa, BLUEBELL, Avi, Bret Bowman

Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts with me.  This group has helped me during the worst days. Since my loss is very recent I´m still feeling an intense grief. Although, in the last couples of weeks I have allowed myself to feel a bit better. My grief is emotional and also physical. I have neck and back pain, and they don´t go away.   It´s true what you mention about guilt. It seems to be quite common among us. As BLUEBELL said we don´t need to carry the burden of the "what if" but sometimes it is just impossible.  

My best...

P.S: Brett, I´m going to answer your questions in another post, so I can explain better what happened.

Daylight My whole body fell apart I blame it on the stress my stomach is so bad I have to watch everything I eat and I find it to be so strange I hardly eat anything but I’ve gained weight and my anxiety was so bad after my mom passed that I would shake when I was walking I couldn’t control that feeling that would be of a big dark heavy blanket it covered me for one year  after my mom passed it was all  just nothing but a blur the second year reality hit ....

if I was to describe to someone how I feel now December will be three years sometimes I cry sometimes I sit in disbelief sometimes I cry all the way home from work and ask her why she couldn’t wait till I got there at the hospital before she went to cardiac arrest I  have to say  I watched my father suffer it was not good my mothers instance was unusual and unexpected.  

My heart hurts I miss her every day sometimes I’ll get through a day without her coming into my mind constantly and then sometimes she’s always in the back of my mind she was all  I had of course our instance was a little unusual she had me when she was 42 and my brother was already 17 years old so there is quite a gap between him and I so I was like an only child so her and I were close always she was the best mom I could not have asked for  anything more

Brett, My mother has always been a very healthy human being. However, I think she did know something was wrong. She never phoned me when I was working. One November morning she did. I was busy but as soon as I could, I called her back because I thought something had happened to my pets. She answered and told me she wasn´t going to the supermarket that day because there was food in the fridge. I told her: "mom I know, we talked about that last night." She said: "Yes, you are working, see you later." I swear I knew something very bad was happening because my mother would have never done such a thing. Mind you, she hasn´t been to the doctor or anything yet, but that call meant something very important for us. Next, she began feeling itchy, and we thought she has been stung by a bug. Then, I told her to go to the doctor. Once the test results were ready, I received a call from one of my mother´s children. This was proof that something was terribly wrong because we were not close and they never called me. My mom had an echography and a PET scan, and she never asked a thing about anything. We went to an oncologist and told mother he was a gastroenterologist. The doctor saw her and didn´t tell her anything. Instead, the doctor talked to us. That was the beginning.  She was admitted to the hospital for the first time, and we ( children and grandchildren) did our best to prevent one doctor from telling the real diagnosis to my mom. It was really difficult. All the doctors that saw her wanted to tell her because it was her right to know. We kept telling them that it was a family decision, and when the time came we would tell her. The last doctor told us that mom knew but she was in denial.  Against all odds, that doctor wanted to tell her the truth that day, but I took my mom away before she even tried it. Mom died two weeks later. No time for doctors or family or me to tell her anything.  She was at home, she began feeling really bad in the morning.  She was admitted to the hospital. Half an hour later she lost consciousness, two days later she died.  Every night before going to bed I ask myself the same question.  Why did she never ask a thing about everything that was going on with her body and with her family? I think she knew and she was in denial because she didn't want to leave me. Two weeks before she died, she told me: " It´s not my time yet, you are too young and I can´t die and leave you alone." Those words are still resounding in my head and breaking my heart. Keeping doctors silent was certainly not easy, but neither was it impossible. Now, I feel guilty for not having the courage to talk to my mom about her real illness. I lived in hell every day lying about every new symptom she had. I would tell her anything and no matter how badly she felt she would believe me. I think she unconsciously knew and didn´t want to admit it. There are times in the day when I´m not busy, and  I also cannot believe all that happened is true. Deep inside,  I´m still waiting for her to come back home and tell me that it was a proof or a mistake and that she is back to stay with me.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Brett. I´m so so sorry that you have to say goodbye to your mom too. It is always too soon for us to say goodbye to our moms.

My best...

Daylight, first I want to thank you for sharing your story. And I'm glad that you were able to find some comfort from this site even before you posted. I have said before that I wish I had known about this site before my mom had died. Maybe I could have gotten some guidance from people who have lived this.

What you were able to do took amazing restraint. I just know me. Even if my family had made such a decision, I would have been the one to crack. I was mom's caretaker. There were so many nights even while she was on Hospice that I was alone with her. She would have seen it in my face. She would have wondered why I was all of the sudden giving her all of my attention. It's different from your story. My mom had a 12 year fight with cancer. She was ready. She had finally stopped fighting. I think that she was both scared and relieved. And I know she was worried about me. Was she ever. Your mom told you that she wanted to stick around for you. When I would make a joke about my mom living to be 100, she would say, "I can't do that for you. I'm sorry."

There is something else. Just a couple of weeks before my mom died, I was contacted by a woman who claimed to be my sister. My dad had an affair with his secretary. His secretary had a baby. The baby was put up for adoption. A lifetime later this lady found her family. Bad timing. I was to wrapped up with my mom to deal with her. I would answer her questions later. My brother's and sister told me to not say a word about it. I did. You have to understand that my dad was horrible. I had not seen him since my mom and dad divorced 40 years earlier. I told my mom. She just rolled her eyes and said, "There's probably more." It didn't even phase her and I am glad.

My mom was right. I have discovered two more sisters since my mom passed. The third, just last week.

Regardless of what road led us to this site, all I know is that we all miss our moms, and I know that guilt is an over riding theme here. Missing our moms so much makes sense, but I sure wish that we would let go of so much guilt. We do this to ourselves. I bet each one of us would have taken a bullet for our moms. That's how much we loved them, and that's how much they loved us. They would have done the same. for us.

Our moms know, God knows, and we know how much we loved them. Knowing that should be our strength and not our downfall.