Virginia, yes, I gave my mom lots of supplements. I do believe that they helped. I know they did. Mom was also on a diuretic and it was very important that she retain electrolytes. I originally graduated with a degree in History. When my mom was first diagnosed with cancer I went back to school to study Nutrition. It helped greatly but I could not keep her alive.

One of the reasons why I feel alone around other people is because they are not always empathetic. And yes, they have families. Theresa has mentioned this many times. They just do not know what this is like, or some people get through this so well because they have such a strong support system. I do not. That usually means a spouse and children.

You are right that our moms wanted to protect us. That's what moms do. My mom would not want me to abuse myself. In fact, she would be angry at me for the things that I say to myself now. She would be mad at me for moping the way that I do. My depression would frighten her. My mom was a fighter and she would not like that I am not fighting harder than I am. There comes a point when we realize that the best way to honor our moms is to live.

Avi, I sensed that you were male, but I didn't want to say that. I am frequently wrong. I congratulated a woman at the grocery store recently. I didn't know her. I pointed at her stomach. She said, "I'm not pregnant." I wanted to crawl under a rock.

Brett, it is great that you were able to analyze the medicines properly and act as per the issues related to them. 

My mother was also on Diuretic but doctor never told me that it causes dehydration and it will be great to give some electrolyte supplements along with this Diuretic. This lead to her downfall on 02 May when she was admitted to hospital due to dehydration. 

I still regret of not asking more questions to the doctor when she was hospitalized on 02 May but now it is of no use. She started having issues in swallowing which made it difficult for her to drink more fluids. 

The plans by destiny are cruel sometimes but acceptance is the key. 

Avi

"The plans by destiny are cruel sometimes but acceptance is the key." I like this. Thank you for sharing it.

Bluebell

Brett, honored to have same name as your Mom.

To everyone here, only those of us whose mothers mean the world to us understand what we are going through. I do not discuss with anyone anymore. They do not understand.

It gives me comfort to see in my dreams my mother. You will see as time passes how it will happen to you.

Wishing you all strength.

Martha, I could only wish.   I would love to see her in my dreams.

Yesterday I played badminton for 1 hour and totally exhausted but still could not sleep well. 

I hope it improves in coming days.

Going to my hometown today for the weekend.

Avi, try a powdered form of Magnesium Citrate, and a small amount of melatonin before bed. Mix the Magnesium is a cup of warm water.

Martha, I agree with Theresa. I would love to have a dream about my mom where I felt like she was truly present. The only dreams I have had about her have been very sad.

Thanks Brett. Will check if i need to try those. 

I agree with the dreams. Till now the dreams with my mom have not been great. 

I wanted to post last night when I got in bed but my phone was on the charger, I was hoping that if I posted something I would not cry but it hits me at night.

I think about the call I got from the hospital that she was in full CA and after that I can't remember, but I cry.

Well everyone have a good day

It is 6 PM in India and I am about to reach my home to be with my father for couple of days.

Theresa, you too have a nice day.

Theresa, something like that would be traumatizing for anyone. You had the reality of the situation rammed down your throat. I imagine that when your mom initially called you, you were worried, but you were trying to think the best. That phone call forced your emotions to turn on a dime.

I am so sorry. 

I am sorry too Theresa. for the turn of events that happened leading to your Mom's death. Try not to feel badly about not being there before she passed away. You or even the doctor's could not have predicted what was going to happen, ie, cardiac arrest.

Hugs to you,

Bluebell 

Bluebell Embrett thank you so much that meant the world to me to hear someone say what you guys did nobody understands no one

I do understand. It's my birthday today and friends have been great. I'm going out to dinner tonight. I just miss my mom so much. On my last birthday that we shared together, even from her bed she ordered a birthday cake for me and had someone pick up a present. The unconditional love never stopped. I just wish I could see her today.

Geez, it's hard.

I am glad to hear you are getting out and going to dinner. True friends are a special gift.

Bluebell

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRETT!!! Tooting of horns, fireworks and your favorite type of cake all light up with candles. Make a wish!

Thanks, Bluebell. I was remembering something today. When I was in high school, one year my birthday fell on a Friday. I was at the mall with my friends. I was going up an escalator to the food court. My mom was coming down an opposite escalator holding a birthday cake. She told me to come home early enough so that we could have some birthday cake together. I didn't. I stayed out late with my friends. I got home and saw that cake on the counter. Mom had not cut into it. She was waiting for me. I guess at some point she realized that I would not be coming home and went to bed.. There was a note next to the cake that read, "Happy Birthday!!"

What I wouldn't give to have that day back. My mom was waiting for me. I know there was no way that I could have known almost 40 years later I would be going through this. Back then I felt like I had forever. I was wrong.

Happy birthday Brett. I wish I can join your party. No issues I will have my ice cream here. 

Also what you mentioned that we always thought that our mother's will be forever with us, but it was not true. When I was leaving far away from parents for 6 years I used to call only once in two days without realising that I may not be able to call her someday.

As a kid I always knew that my mother would die one day. Heck, I knew that I would die one day. too. But that just seemed like so far into the future that it wasn't even worth worrying about. I pictured myself being an old man with a wife and grown kids of my own when mom's time came. That didn't happen.

My mom died of COPD. She had it for years and it got progressively worse but in small increments. I remember the last time we went to see her lung doctor. He explained to her that her lung capacity was diminishing. My mom said, "What happens then?" He paused for a second and said, "You die, Martha." Those words hit me like a sledge hammer. They shocked my mom as well. And I have to say... he is a very good man. He had always been very honest about what would happen one day. He seemed surprised that my mom would even ask such a question. One day had come. My mom was about to die. She had survived so many forms of cancer but no one survives COPD. I had watched her take breathing treatments for years, with her little dogs sitting on both sides of her. To me hearing that sound meant that medicine was keeping her lungs strong. It could only do so much though.

So sorry Brett. Your mother was a courageous lady for sure.

Happy Birthday Brett!  Are you going to tell us how old you are?

I know you are especially missing her today (even though you do everyday).  Maybe you’ll have a nice dream about her.  I bet I know what you wished for.

Brett and Blubell,

you are both familiar with the bipap, right?  Do you know the highest liters of oxygen it can supply?  I am still distraught about what took place in the hospital.  She was on bipap at first, then weaned off to high flow.  I asked the doctor what would’ve happened if the bipap

was put back on.  He said it would’ve given a few days maybe.  So of course now I’m wondering if she would have gotten stronger had it been put back on and why I didn’t tell them to do it.  I didn’t even think of it.  Where was my head?  I was rubbing lung pressure points on her feet.  How is that helping?  And I would have loved a few more days!  Of course, that mask is very uncomfortable.

I just don’t know what I was thinking.  It’s like I just let it happen!

Virginia.

When my Mom was in the hospital before she came home and died, she too towards the end of her 6 day stay had to be put on high flow oxygen. They were able to wean her down to just normal flow oxygen and there was talk of her being able to go home if they got her down to an certain amount, and the oxygen in her blood stayed at a good level. Over night that changed. She was back on the high flow oxygen and even that was not keeping the oxygen in her blood at a good level. The next step was a BiPap, which essentially is a mask that is set at a pressure specific to that person's needs and assists with the breath in and the breath out. I knew that because of my Mom's condition at that point, that she would either never get off it the BiPap or would have had a tube put down into her lungs that totally breathed for her ( a ventilator or sometimes called intubation.) As a medical professional myself, I knew where Mom was headed, and that there was no return. Your Mom's Doctor knew that too about your Mom. I totally believe you did the right thing by believing the Doctor and going with what he or she said.

I have my what if's too Virginia and they have tortured me many, many times. But bottom line is that we miss our Mom's and yearn to have them here with us on this earth. It hurts like hell that they are not. 

My best to you and an infinity of comforting embraces.

Bluebell

The strangest thing just happened. I put a new self help book on my bed a few minutes ago, intending to start reading it before I went to sleep. When I went into my bedroom just now, a small wooden cat was on top of it. I do not remember putting it there ( why would I?) and I honestly do not know if it is one of many cat figures Mom had collected over the years. The book has never been in the vicinity of any of Mom's cat figures, so it could not have hitched a ride without me realizing it. I am not telling a tale and am not prone to imagining things. 

Bluebell

Thank you Bluebell,

its so hard for me because I was always the one at all the doctor appointments asking lots of questions.  In the hospital, I was avoiding the doctor because I didn’t like what he said.  My therapist said this happens a lot because we are in shock.  People who normally take good care of their loved ones don’t function as usual in the hospital then have guilt later.  Maybe you’ve seen this in your work.  That’s the word- it tortures me.

A visit from your Mom!  How precious

Do you have goosebumps?

Happy Birthday Brett!!!!!

Bluebell, you just never know :), I don't know if you remember me telling that when my mom passed I guess it was after the priest blessed her there was a piece of glitter on her forehead, so after time went on I kept saying in my yoga class please help me mom, and there was always a small piece of glitter on the top left side of my mat, crazy right, well here is better, now 2 1/2 years later I purchased a new mat because I washed mine in soap and ruined it, I was worried about my small speck of glitter, however on the first day using it in class I was rolling it up and guess what there was a tiny glitter star like on it I was taken back, I have not seen it again, we just never know.......

Virginia, exactly samee happened with me. May be I was in shock too.

Doctor told me its over and I just believed him.

Now feel guilty of this behavior but this was how it meant to be. These are all ovstacles planned by destiny.

Avi and Virginia

I am a nurse and I functioned and thought like a nurse when my Mom was in the hospital before she died. But I also was a daughter that did not want to let her Mom go. As a nurse, I knew it was time to let my Mo, go, but as a daughter, I hated having to make that decision and carry it through. The doctor at the hospital did not push Hospice, but he did say she was Hospice appropriate. He would have done whatever I ask, including a Bipap, and continuing treatment. Her Advance Directive for Health Care said no CPR, no intubation, feeding tube or kidney dialysis. Bipap was not mentioned. My decision because I was her designated spokesperson to carry out Health Care decisions when she could not, because I was a nurse, I decided not to go to the next step of a Bipap. I do not think she ever would have gotten off it and she would have hated having to live that way. Then I would have had to make the decision to take her off and watch her die maybe in a matter of minutes. By bringing her home on high flow oxygen, she at least had 2 days of being with her family and being in the home she had been in for over 30 years. It broke my heart on the last day she was alive, that she tried to eat her daily milk and cookies. But all she could manage was take a nibble of the cookie and a sip of the milk. I think she was saying goodbye to something she really enjoyed every day for a few years.

Brett.

My Mom's circumstances were different from your Mom's. If I remember correctly, she just had to be on the Bipap when she slept and oxygen by nasal cannula during the day. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Bluebell

Virginia and Theresa

I did not get goose bumps when I found the small wooden cat on the book, but I did think it was either a gift from my Mom or my Brother in Law. It could have been from either one of them. It did make me smile and thanked them both because I really do not know which one it is from, and I was willing to believe that it was a gift. The cat is sitting in a place of honor on my bedside table. What I find interesting is that the name of the book is "Hope And Help For Your Nerves." It was written in 1969, but this was a new copy I had ordered. Do you think maybe I was being told I was on the right path and they were pleased with my choice? I really do not know for sure, but I suspect that was what was being said to me and in the only way they could manage to do it.

If anyone who reads this thinks this is nutty and I have lost it, maybe it is. But I choose to think otherwise.

Bluebell

Mom had to sleep with a bipap for years. It was especially difficult during her worst times because that mask is not comfortable. The mask had to be very snug. There has to be a perfect seal. That was the only way it would work. If mom moved around too much in her sleep the mask would leak. That was scary. This is life and death. The bipap was the only way that she could expel Co2. I used to feel so sorry for her. Every night I would put that thing on her and I would see the look on her face as I tightened it.

In the end I had her on high flow oxygen. That gave her some comfort but it was also very bad for her because you still want them to try to breathe and use as much as their lungs as they can. There came a point when I was more concerned about mom's comfort. She did receive oxygen through a cannula but there came a point that I had to use the bipap more and more during the day. Mom hated it. This goes back to quality of life. I'm not sure how high the settings go on a bipap, but the machine is pre-set. You can't turn it up or down. Her doctor decided what the settings would be. There came a point where I had to listen to my mom and do what was fair for her. You can almost force a person to live. You can put someone on a ventilator and restrain their arms. But what kind of life would that be. Sometimes a doctor is kind of like a referee.They see what we don't want to see. They see what we do not want to accept. I wanted my mom to have some quality of life. She could barely even talk while she was on the bipap. They are also very loud for the person who is wearing it. After mom died, I was glad to see that machine disappear. It helped her, but it was also something that caused her a lot of discomfort. My mom had experienced enough discomfort. She put herself through a lot for me. I had to think of her happiness, too.

Bluebell, that's amazing about the cat. Seems like you would remember if you had placed it on top of that book. I have not experienced anything like that.

Theresa, thank you. You mean a lot to me. The timing of our mother's deaths. We've sort of gone through this together.

Yes we have Brett and I am glad to have met everyone one here, I hope we keep in touch throughout our years without our moms.

My moms birthday is coming up June 29, she would have be 95 !

Miss you mom..

Virginia, I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe there was a way to keep our mom's alive even longer. But they deserved to live a happy life as well. My mom could have only been so happy living the way she was.

She may have even been willing to accept it for my sake. And that's what she would have been doing, living for her children's sake. My mom deserved to rest. She had given all that she could.

I agree with Brett. We sometimes become selfish because we want our Mom to be with us always. And they also get ready to live a painful life for our sake but not sure if it is worth. 

It’s not that I wanted her to be uncomfortable for my sake.  I am worried because I don’t know if the Bipap had been put back on, would she have gotten stronger and lived longer and been able to go back to high flow.  I think she was on 15 liters on the high flow.  That’s why I asked how high the bipap went.  When I recently talked to the ICU doctor, he said she was off and on the bipap.  I told him no, she was only on the bipap the first day or two.  So now I’m wondering if he even knew what was going on!

Thats sad to know that the medical people working on a critical patient are unaware what happened. 

I hope you get your answers Virginia but frankly speaking I have stopped looking for answers now as the more I analyze, the more I paralyze myself.

Hi ! It will be a year on July third that I lost my mom. I talk to her everyday. She now comes to me in my dreams and reasures me of her love for me. I miss her and love her as much as the day she passed. Her passing has made me more attentive to my own mortality as I am 69. I hope to have everything prepared for my children as my mom did for me. May God bless you all and keep you healthy and happy!!

Everyone please realize that you are only human and you have done the best for your loved one that your knowledge allowed. It is always in God's hands.

I can understand your frustration Virginia. Patients in ICU are monitored so closely. I can't help but wonder if the ICU doctor would not have to look at your mom's medical records from that time to tell you for sure.

Before my mom went on Hospice, we had some really contentious months. I always wanted to call 911 every time I felt like Co2 was building up too high. It was easy for me to dial 911. It wasn't so easy for my mom. My mom had very small veins. They would do a blood-gas treatment on my mom, and it would hurt her. I could see the look on her face as they poked around for a vein. And then they would put her on a high setting on the Bi-Pap. She would be in for a long night. If they could get enough Co2 off of her they would switch her back to just oxygen. They would monitor her for a day or two and send her home. Those trips became more and more frequent. My mom hated it. She was just worn out. Her body was worn out. I wasn't giving her any say. She would go to the hospital and be used as a pin cushion. Everything was so invasive.

People would come to visit my mom at our house but they were not always prepared for what they would see. Some days she would be fine and could laugh with friends, other days it was all she could do to keep from falling asleep in her chair because of the Co2. And that was with using a Bi-Pap every night. One friend of hers really irritated me. He came too frequently. I appreciated his intentions but visits were hard for mom. They took a lot out of her. On more than one occasion my mom would fall asleep in her chair, sometimes right in the middle of a conversation with him. He would look at me and mouth, "What's going on?" Sometimes he would call me into another room and say, "Brett, do something!" I wanted to do something. I wanted to do everything. It wasn't about me though. My mom's feelings had to be taken into consideration.

On one of his last visits he convinced me to call 911. At the hospital, it wasn't the doctor who first said the word, "Hospice." Mom was in the ER. She was asleep. Her Co2 was so high that it couldn't even be measured. The doctor told me, "We should be able to bring it down, but haven't you noticed the pattern? We get your mom strong enough to go home, and then she is back in a week. It used to be a couple of months, and then weeks. Now, she will be coming back more frequently." I said, "Is my mom a candidate for Hospice?" He said, "YES!!" He felt sorry for her. I did, too. It has to be frustrating for a doctor sometimes. They see what's going on so much better than we do. They see the extremes that we are willing to go to to keep our loved ones alive, even to the point where it's not fair to the person that we love.

At home, that Bi-Pap was my biggest weapon to keep mom alive. Once she went on Hospice I knew there would be no more 911 calls. Every time I even suspected that her Co2 was becoming elevated, I would hook her up to that machine. It was going full blast the day that she died. I finally took it off of her in the last minutes to give her some peace. After she died, that machine looked very small. It was once so important. And in a matter of minutes I knew that we had just been throwing rocks at death. I looked at that machine and thought, "Useless." There was only so much that we could do. There comes a point when we have to let them rest in peace.

Yes Brett

Sometime you love so much to let them go.

Has anyone read the book Hello from Heaven mentioned on the “after death experiences” tab or any books like that?

The authors are not psychics or mediums, nor is it about that.  It’s about signs from loved ones.

I have not read the book but I know there are few signs commonly experienced by lot of people. 

From those signs, the one I have experienced is seeing my mother in my dreams 2-3 times since she passed. Although I do not remember the conversation between us clearly. 

Avi that is so great, I wish I could dream of my mom.

Virginia no have not read the book, I will look into it though.

I had written a post that was quite long about my Mom's last few hours but then realized, it was not all that important. The main thing I think it is important to remember is that she is at peace now and no longer has any physical distress. 

Bluebell

Bluebell You can write as much as you want that’s what we’re here for

I have to be honest, although I am very spiritual, I have never had a lot of faith in those things. After my mom's mom died, her sister would day things like, "I saw a cardinal today. It was looking right at me. I think it may have been mother." My mom would roll her eyes. I used to ask mom if she would come visit me as a cardinal or a butterfly after she died. More eye rolling. She would say, "If I had the power to turn myself into a bird or a butterfly, don't you think I would just appear as myself? And I wouldn't stare at you from a bird feeder. I would come right in the house." All of that was just  the way my mom would kid, but she thought that her mother was in heaven. That was enough for her. And she believed that things like butterfly's and white feathers were just a manifestation. Someone was convincing themselves of something that they wanted to be true. To my mom a butterfly was just a butterfly, and a bird was just a bird. It was enough for my mom to believe that we would all be together in heaven one day.

I have no idea if mom was right or not. I agree with Avi. I do think that if our mom's can communicate with us it would most likely be in a dream. I would love to see my mom in a dream. A good dream.

And I don't want to be a downer here, but if I can't hug it, I'm not sure that it would help me. That may be why I haven't had any experiences. I'm just not as open to it as I could be.

I do believe that I will see my mom again though.

Brett,

This is off subject, but in poking around on the internet, Magnesium oil was recommended as a way of soothing  sore muscles. Do you have any experience in this or an opinion? Or if it is going to work, is it better to take it in pill form? I am weary of my chronic, intermittent back pain and I am seeking relief. I can no longer take ibuprofen on a regular basis, and Tylenol sometimes works and sometimes does not. Please answer here, or if you would rather send a private e mail, I will watch for it.

Bluebell