Thank you Avi. That was beautiful and a wonderful reminder that my Mom still exists but is on a different, new journey.

May I ask how many languages you speak? Please do not feel obligated to answer.

Bluebell

Bluebell I am from India and Hindi is my native language. I am proficient with English as well. 

Feels great to be here folks.

You are more than proficient with English. You have not developed the slang that we have.

I am glad you are here.

Bluebell

Thank you Avi that I believe is very true 

Good morning all. It is 4 30 AM in India and I am leaving from my home town to join office today after 1.5 months. My mother always wanted me to excel in my work.

My father will be in home town for few.more days before he join me at my work location.

I will pray for you Avi that all goes well.

Bluebell

Glad you are here also Avi..

I am having a new problem that is non related to my mom, my 11 year old labrador is really having difficulty going up stairs, and where we live he has to go up three sets of four, I am heart broken.  I think I will order a sling to assist him up.  I told my husband time to move this was supposed to be temporary near his and my work, it just became too convenient, my concern is now focused on my old boy.

Sorry for straying off of our moms.......

No issues Theresa. 

As I leave my hometown I am engulfed in grief and regret both. When I came my mother was alive and doing OK and now she is not with me.

Destiny is the leader of all.

But Avi She is with you she’s next to you you just cannot see her I believe that our deceased loved ones are around us not always I remember after my mother passed away crying so hard I couldn’t breathe in front of her picture saying mom please tell me you know I’m here to know such avail but when I was in my yoga class there’s always this little tiny speck of glitter on my yoga mat at the top and I put it in my mind that was my mom she was there with me.  My intention for my class was always please God give me strength please get me through this.   I have been practicing yoga for quite some time I do Hatha so great for my mind the heat gets a little much sometimes it’s 110 but you get used to it

I know you’re still in the beginning of your grief but you’re going to feel so many different emotions anguish fear sadness loneliness regret resentment hate I t seems like it all hits you at one time. I remember when I had to bring my mothers car back to the dealer she leased a little VW Passat I broke down in the parking lot literally broke down I felt like that was the last and only thing I had to hold onto that was hers. Even though it has been almost 3 years each night when I get in bed and cry I sit in the darkness and I tell her I love her and that I hope she knows that

Theresa

This is related to your dog. My little guy is on a Rx medication called Carprophen and a non prescription medication called Dauquin which is basically a Glucosamine and Chondroitin. They help him a lot. He has arthritis in one hip, has had surgery on both back legs for a torn ligament and he has arthritic changes in his back. Maybe you might look into these with your Vet. My little guy is able to chase his ball, play catch with me,l can jump up onto the couch and go up and down stairs. Stairs are harder for him and he is not as fast, but he is able to do it. Your dogs problem with the stairs may be being caused by inflammation and pain

Avi,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find some peace tonight , even if it is just for a little bit. Bret has said something similar to what I am going to say "You are not alone. We are walking with you."

Bluebell

Thanks theresa and bluebell for the kind words.

As my mother is always with me and theresa I will also practice yoga soon. It is very popular in India. 

Glucosamine helped my dog too

I talked to the radiologist today, trying to get answers about what happened.  I couldn’t hear half of what he said, don’t know why I didn’t tell him to call back on my landline.  He gave me general answers and I wanted details.  He said things like, the cancer was very progressed, sometimes more treatment doesn’t help, she would’ve needed strong radiation.  I asked how he could tell because he didn’t even come see her in the hospital.  He said from the scan, previous treatments, her state of health(we went to the hospital because of difficulty breathing even with oxygen).  I still feel as though the doctors just gave up in the hospital because she had so much previous treatment.  And I feel like since I didn’t push them for treatment(and I have no idea why, I guess I thought we had more time and she might get stronger?) it’s my fault.

Avi, going back to work must be so hard.  I have not done that.  Maybe it will help you though.

Theresa, you are not straying off course at all. I love my little Krissy so much. That little girl has me heart. Love is love. It could come in the form of our moms or in our furry little friends. I think Bluebell's suggestions are great. 

Avi, you may be a world away but it doesn't matter. You are already a friend. I agree that your English is wonderful. Better than mine. I also get the feeling that you are a doctor. That's just a feeling on my part.

I have read the Bhagvad Gita many times. We are not so far apart. God is God and he goes by many names. You are at the very beginning of your journey. In some ways that's not a bad thing. I felt closer to my mom in the early stages because her voice, face, and touch were so fresh in my mind.

And you certainly are not alone. 

Hi Brett. I am a software engineer by profession and my work location is 70 miles from my home town. Yes God is God and we all will understand the behavior someday.

Virginia, plz do not blame yourself so much. Your and mine stories are almost same as my mom also was not provided extensive treatment in the last few hours because dr already gave up. I guess Oncologists assume lot of things and does not want to go out of the box sometimes. But we need to accept.

You can still get answers to your questions from the doctor but finding your fault will make things worse for you. Make your regret as your strength and lets go to work. I wish we were working at the same location.

Virginia, how on earth could it be your fault? And I have to tell you, I was pushing for more treatment for my mom all the way till the end. Finally my doctor, her doctor, convinced me that Hospice was the most merciful thing for my mom. You no more have the power to will someone alive than you have to will them to die. There are some things in life that we simply cannot control. And life and death are foremost among those things.

Avi,

i feel like we fought for four years and then at the end, I messed up.  I was at every appointment asking questions and always researching as it was a rare cancer.  Then in the hospital I was avoiding the doctor instead, then pushed to palliative care.  I asked if I could switch back to the medical team and they said yes.  I should’ve talked to the doctor more and if I knew there were only a few days left, I would’ve told them to try anything.  At least I would’ve known she had every chance.  

Agree with Brett completely. 

I tell you Virginia if somehow you go back in time, you will still take the same decisions. So it was not your fault. It was destined.

I belong with her.  

Virgina,

I felt like the doctors did not treat my Mom at the hospital a couple of times just because she was 98 years old. She was not some bedridden invalid. She had a life. In the month before she died, I had called 911 twice and taken her into the ER twice for first feeling like she could not swallow, and the second time because she felt like she could not breath. The first time they gave her something to swallow to numb her throat. The second time they gave her a breathing treatment, an inhaler for home and antibiotics. Her oxygen saturation in her blood was all over the place. I could have insisted on home oxygen and I regret not doing that. I regret not demanding she be admitted for further diagnostic work  work up and maybe  IV antibiotics or IV diuretics. like Lasix. Another time  when I was not home, she slipped off of the recliner chair by trying to get up without the foot rest being down. She tried to get up off the floor on her own but when she could not , she activated her Life Alert. The paramedics recommended a trip to the hospital because she was in rapid Atrial Fib. The ER doctor there did almost nothing to help her. He just gave her IV fluids and no blood work. When I ask if he had called her Cardiologist, he said " Did you want me too?" What kind of a doctor is this?. It was almost like he had developed a hardness or a prejudice just because she was older. What really made me almost nauseated was that when I went into the hallway, he was surrounded by nurses. He was very good looking and it was almost like he was holding court. 

Do I have regrets? You bet I do.

Bluebell

Bluebell, 

i see what you mean, it’s like they didn’t try as hard because she was old. Just like they didn’t because my Mom had so much treatment.

One of her ER doctors was callous too.  I kept telling everyone, we know there’s a lot of cancer, we’ve been doing this for four years!

She had the bipap mask on and was writing on a paper for them to be kind to me, I’m her only child.  Even then she was worried about me.

Virginia

I faced similar situation when dr in the ICU told me that we cannot put her on ventilator as it will not make much sense. But I asked them to do what best they can do now and they talked to the oncologist. I wish I would have been more specific asking them more questions but I thought that the people in ICU are more trained than me. But those people are not emotionally connected to the patient so they may only follow what they have been taught.

I understand your concern and guilt and hope if I can help you in anyway. 

There was a time when 30 years of age was considered a long life. Medical science has come a long way. Doctor's can do amazing things but they will always have limits. My mom could be alive today if she were on a ventilator, but what kind of life would that be? There came a point when my mom lost her quality of life, and though she smiled for my sake, there probably came a time when she lost her will to live.

Virginia, I'm not a doctor. I know that radiation and chemo kept my mom alive for quite a while but it also wreaked havoc on her body. In the end it was fair to say that the treatment also contributed to her death. We were robbing Peter to pay Paul. I tried to keep my mom here for me. I finally let her go for her.

Avi,

the ICU dr said if they did a procedure, to do it safely she would have had to be on a ventilator.  The oncologist previously told us if you have cancer in your lungs and are put on one, you won’t come off.  The doctor also told me he didn’t think the procedure would help anyway.  I still wonder what if she could have gotten through it without the ventilator and it helped?  I should have told him to do it.

Once the ICU doctor came in and asked my Mom what her understanding was of what was going on. She looked at him and said “you aren’t going to like my answer.”  He asked why.  She said “ I want the procedure and I’m going to get better.”  She never gave up.

Bluebell, the night before my mom cam home on Hospice, I was with my mom and her nurse in my mom's hospital room. I could tell that my mom had had an accident in her pants. She had lost control of her bowels. I said, "Mom did you have an accident." She said, "I think so." The nurse told me that she would get something to clean her up. She acted like it was a burden for her.

A few minutes later I walked up to the nurses desk to ask them some questions. They did not hear me walk up. I heard one nurse joke, "That woman will be pooping in her pants for the rest of her life!" The other nurse laughed. I said, "Excuse me." They looked at me like their careers had flashed before their eyes. I just asked them some questions about my mom's dismissal in the morning. It wasn't their mom. They didn't care. That was okay though. Mom had me and I cared plenty. It's just the way life is. Just like when I lose my little dog, no one except for me will cry. I just tried to learn from that experience. I'm on Facebook every day. One of my friends will post something about one of their moms being in the hospital, and they will ask for prayers, and I will pray, but nothing has ever touched me like the loss of my own mom. There's no comparison. Sometimes I feel ashamed by that. That doctor probably was holding court. The nurses eyes probably were on him. All we can do is try our hardest to be more empathetic to those in need. I don't want to just hear. I want to listen. I pray that I can. I pray that we all can, because we each know what it's like to love and to lose something so precious.

Brett,

Obviously you didn’t let it bother you.  You couldn’t, you had more important things to think about.  But that is just wrong.  I’m sorry the nurse said that.  And all doctors and nurses should be caring, especially in hospitals.  It makes a huge difference.  Of course, the most important thing is their knowledge, but it’d be nice if they were all caring too.  I never liked the disposition of our oncologist and don’t think I fully trusted her.  Now I realize this just put stress on my Mom.  

My Moms cancer was misdiagnosed in the beginning as a blood clot.  Then at the end, the oncologist misdiagnosed her shortness of breath as deconditioning.  I should be full of anger but right now I’m just sad, so sad, it hurts to live.

Brett,

wanted to also say that must have been so hard moving from your Moms house.  Did you want to stay there?  The comment the woman made must have made you feel good.

Virginia, I did want to stay there. My mom gave me lifetime rights to the house. But it came to the point where I felt like I was dealing with bill collectors instead of siblings. I had to get away from them. It was toxic.

I agree with you that medical professionals should be more caring but it is almost impossible. Sheer numbers make it hard to become emotionally attached. Witnessing death after death takes it's toll. More than that... Bluebell is a Hospice nurse. What a great calling. But I imagine that even she would tell you that it's different when it's not your mom or dad. You could be the nicest person in the world and it still wouldn't be the same. Of course, I was not meant to overhear those words. They may have both been very good nurses. I don't know. That should not have been said regardless, but I imagine that jokes like that exist in every hospital. I even think that part of it is a defense mechanism, to keep an arm's length's distance. Or maybe some nurses and doctors just choose the wrong profession.

I will tell you that I once did let a nurse have it. In 2012 my mom was on life support. We were told  that she was going to die. Remarkably she rallied. The first night she was lucid, she was so excited to see all of her children gathered around her. Apparently, they had trouble getting her getting her to sleep that night. The next night a student nurse told us in a not so polite way not to get mom too excited. It was her attitude that rubbed me the wrong way. I said, "Is your mom healthy? Can you call her on the phone right now and tell her that you love her? Can you go to her house and give her a hug? Do you spend Christmas with her?" She said yes. I said, "Than you have no idea what's happening here." It made her mad I know, but that was too bad. Patients and family at a hospital are not cattle to be herded and moved along. We each have a story.

My mom was on a ventilator at that time. They were trying to slowly wean her off. Poor mom couldn't sleep because she had to take so many breaths a minute or an alarm would go off. I asked the nurse to adjust the setting. She just ignored me. Mom would be drifting off and then an alarm would go off. I would say, "Breathe Mom. " She would take a breath and the alarm would stop. This was replayed over and over. After I had asked the nurse the third time, she said, "The doctor is asleep and he gets angry if we wake him up." I'm a very big boy. I told her to call him, and if he had any issues to come to mom's room and explain them to me." That worked. The ventilator was adjusted and mom was able to sleep.

Our mom's needed an advocate. That's what we were. But there is a line. Virginia, like your mom, my mom didn't give up. Her body did.

And doctor's, with good dispositions or bad, usually can look at a case and have a very good idea what the likely outcome will be. There came a time when they knew that our moms were going to die.

i knew my Mom my Mom was ina lot of trouble physically the last time she was admitted to the hospital. Sometimes I think they worked hard to get her stable and admitted her the last time she went to ER, was because in my time of stress, I gave the Paramedics her last name of when she was married to my Dad instead of that that was on her Medicare card. She really did rally and there was talk of her being discharged in a day or so after being in there 6 days. But overnight, she deteriorated to the point where only a BiPap would have help her. Also, by the end of her stay, she could barely spend much time up in a chair let alone walk like she used to. She did not talk about it, but I knew she was afraid she would die at the hospital. I was by her side as much as I could be, and when I needed a break, my sister and her husband were there. She never wanted to be bed bound or have her freedom taken away by being tethered to a machine to keep her alive. We had discussed that.  I told her that the only way I could get her home was to start hospice so that she would be provided with the things she needed to keep her comfortable. She agreed. I helped coordinate things with the Hospice I work with. My sister accompanied Mom in the ambulance on her ride home because I had to make sure all the equipment needed was there. I hurt my back by moving 2 queen beds by myself, one so the hospital bed could go in her bedroom, and the other because her bed was so much newer and more comfortable than the one I had been sleeping on at night. I think possibly I wanted her bed  too was because she had been in it and I would somehow feel closer to her, but it ended up being of little comfort to me. I tried so hard her last two days of life to make her better even though she was on Hospice. I used all the nursing skills I have learned over the years both at an Acute hospital ans as a Hospice RN. But in the end, I was helpless to stop what had been put in motion. It is hard to give up the notion that by loving someone so much , we can move mountains and prevent their death. But bodies do not last forever and diseases take their toll, so God calls our loved ones home to be with him. But it hurts even though it was the best thing for them. Our Mom's are at peace now and no longer suffer the pains of being in the flesh on this earth. But that knowledge does not stop us from missing them and grieving their loss.

Bluebell

Bluebell

Boy, that was a long post. I guess I had more to say than I intended when I first started typing it

Bluebell

Brett thank you, he is on Glucosamine/chondroitin has been for many years, he is a big English Lab.

Its once again hard watching them age.....

Thx Virginia

Today is my first day back to work after the Holiday, and I know it will be a bad one.  I'll get through it...

Thanks BlueBell. Your below lines provided lot of relief

Our Mom's are at peace now and no longer suffer the pains of being in the flesh on this earth. But that knowledge does not stop us from missing them and grieving their loss

I agree 100% Avi.

Same pinch theresa. First day in office after my mother's death but it was not so difficult as I made up my mind that my mother wanted me to excel at my work place.

I always used to call my father from my office asking how is mom, what is she having in lunch and other questions. Now I called him and only thing we can talk is to care of ourselves. Sad but true. 

I know everyone I called after my mom passed seemed to say "take care of yourself"  ugh, I hated hearing that.

It has been a while since I have written here. But, follow your posts. Losing my father was bad. But, when I lost my dear mother, my best friend was/ is awful.

Nothing is ever the same.

My mother's name was Martha. My father's death left me pretty much unscathed. He wasn't a very good man and I didn't see him past age six. My mom got a phone call  the day that he died. She told me that he had passed but It just didn't mean too much to me. I still went to work that day. I almost felt lucky because I knew how painful losing a dad had been for some of my friends. But when my mom died, it was like losing both my mother and my father. Turns out that I didn't escape anything.

Martha, please post when you need a friend. We sure understand. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I can only become so happy before I remember that my mom is gone. I had my little dog (Krissy) groomed today. It made me miss my mom so much. Even when mom was sick she would make a fuss over the girls when they got groomed. She would tell them how pretty they looked and their little tails would wag and they would start running around in circles.

The groomer found a tumor on Krissy's stomach. I made an appointment with the vet for Friday. It just never ends. After your world has been shaken so badly it is so hard to feel any sense of security. Maybe it's just a growth. I hope so. I pray so.

Last night was the first night when I was alone at my apartment and it was a nightmare. I woke up thrice with shock. 

Forgot to do basic things before sleeping but in morning I realized that slowly I will improve on it. 

Good morning all from India. 

Brett, I hope your dog is ok.  I used to worry about my dog all the time.

Avi, do you have anything to take for anxiety?  When is your father and wife coming to the apartment?

Virginia, my father will be with me from next week but wife will be at her place for few months as she is expecting and delivery is due in first week of Aug.

I am going to my friend's place tonight as he asked me to come along. 

I do not want to take anything for anxiety, I will.talk to you guys or my friends here or do some other stuffs. I volunteer for an NGO which works for underprivileged kids so can do some work for the NGO.

I feel alone even when I’m with someone now.  I just want to be with her.  

I'm a Nutritionist and I have been able to do a lot of things, but I can't touch anxiety with a 10 foot pole. Magnesium Citrate in a powdered form helps relax the body. A lot of adaptogens that are touted to relax the mind also give a boost of energy, which can be counter productive if you want to relax.

There comes a time when anti-anxiety medications can help, but they are a short term fix. Antidepressants can be very helpful for some. But I agree with Avi. Grief doesn't always turn into full blown depression. It did for me. I think it is a good idea to try holistic measures first. But there can come a point that a person needs help, and taking a medical route is sometimes the best option.

Avi, if you don't mind me asking, are you male or female? Strange question I know, but it's easy for me to recognize gender with American names. Avi is new to me. 

Virginia, as odd as this may sound, I often feel most alone when I am with other people. When you are alone, talk to your mom, or just think the words. Say everything you want to say. I worry about you. You think that you can't be happy without your mom. I'm not so sure that's true. I'm still climbing out of my pit as well, but I think there can be daylight. Don't give up, and don't give in to negative voices. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to a stranger or friend. We say things to ourselves that might get us punched in the face if we said those things to another person. Please don't be too critical of yourself. Give yourself a break. You deserve that.

Brett,

I wanted to be a nutritionist, was always reading about it and very interested in it.  Did you have your mother take any supplements for the cancer?  We went to a naturopathic doctor a few times.  I never really gave her the supplements, which is another big regret.  Just probiotics, vitamin d, and sometimes magnesium.  They always say not to give antioxidants with chemo.  We did a very low sugar diet in the beginning and both lost weight.

Hi Brett, I am a 31 years old male. 

Virginia, I guess you are feeling guilty which is not allowing you to do other things in life. I tell you there are lot of ways to overcome your regret, one of them is to feel that your mother would never want you to be like this. 

I felt the same feeling during the first few days after my mother's death but then I realized that if she can feel me or see me, she will feel bad watching me cry and feeling regretful. I hope this helps you. 

Brett,

We probably feel alone with other people because we are thinking about how they have their families and are happy with their lives.  That’s how I feel anyway.  It’s hard for me to see families especially.

Thanks for caring, but I won’t be happy until I’m with her.  It’s just the way it is.  I always wanted to protect her and she wanted to protect me. I just can’t believe it.

Virginia, Chemo is itself a pain. That is the problem with Cancer. 

The disease and the treatment both are terrible. 

I know you want to be with your mom and most probably same feeling is with all of us but the almighty has given you life for some reasons and it is worth.