Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices.

Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days left. I guess drs ar skeptical of going out of going out of the box in case of cancer.

I still remember that on 02 may oncologist told me that not even one day is guaranteed but she was with me till 15 may. But now I can look back and feel remorse but cannot revert 

Avi,

Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have.

I had no idea there were only a few days left.  I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe in shock, maybe still in shock.  I was avoiding the doctor that was telling me a procedure couldn’t be done.

Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing.

Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it.

I try to be careful. I'm such a religious person. I do not want to try to force my beliefs on other people. And sometimes telling a grieving person that they will be in heaven with their mom one day is not much of a comfort right now. We don't want to wait for "One day" to stop being so distraught. You asked me if people go to Hell if they kill themselves. I have no idea. I also don't want to find out. I want to meet God on his terms, not mine.

I will pray for you. You think that you don't deserve prayers. We all deserve prayers. I also believe that God is never so close to us as when we are suffering. Life is precious, and you are precious.

The feelings you had... welcome to the club. I saw my mom suffer, but so often I was more concerned about me, how mom's death would harm me. That cause me a tremendous amount of guilt then. Here's the thing... Our mom's carried us in their wombs. They nurtured us when we were babies. They taught us what love was. Even as babies, just looking into their eyes taught us how to feel and express love. It is the most natural instinct in the world to want to be with our moms.

It's even harder for you and me because we never left our moms. We never ventured too far from their sides. We didn't take the natural course and leave the nest. Imagine if a baby bird never left the nest, and its mom continued to take care of it. One day the mother bird would die. The baby bird would never have learned to fly. You don't know how to fly. I'm fluttering around in the air, but I haven't fallen. I'll get stronger. You will get stronger if you allow yourself to do so. That starts with understanding that you have value. Your mom saw the value in you. Please try to see what she saw. It was more than being her daughter. Ask yourself what your mom saw in you. What would your mother have said to other people if they asked her why she loved you so much? Answer that question truthfully and believe it. Don't concentrate on the negative things. Concentrate on the good things your mom saw in you.

Please don't harm yourself. You are in a very dark place. Talk to your doctor, talk to your therapist, call 911 if you have to. Trust me when I tell you that there is help available.

Virginia, I have never met you, but I love you. You're my sister and we are going through this together.

Brett, Bluebell,

  thanks for the love and for caring.  I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life.  I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again.  Then again, wouldn’t a loving God forgive that?  I always wonder how God can allow horrible things to happen to good people.  

  Right now I am trying desperately to find out what happened in the hospital and if I could have done something.  I don’t know how I can live with myself thinking I could have. 

  As far as me as a person, all I think about now are all the things I’ve done wrong in my life.  It’s disturbing how many I came up with.  I wish I was more like my Mom.

Virginia, it will be better if you dont find out the things you should have done better in hospital. It will make your grief stronger.

I tried but stopped in between because it was causing lot of pain.

Avi I am very sorry for your loss, this is a great group.

Brett somehow you always seem to shed light on a dismal situation.  Thank you.

Virginia- no God does not allow bad things to happen to people, when we are brought into this world our life has already been laid out like a book, good, bad and ugly, he knows it will happen, but we have to accept and learn to deal with whatever comes our way.

Well I believe people that end their life will be questioned by God, I'm sure it has crossed everyones mind at some point or another in their lifetime.  

I try to keep in mind anything that happened yesterday, one month ago one year ago, we cannot change, my yoga instructor travels the world and he says live in the moment right now, it took me years to be able to do that.

I know like all of us you miss your mom and you have the what if's, I know I do, what if I did this or what if I did that, did I do everything that should have been done I don't know, but I know one thing for certain, one day all of my questions will be answered.  I also know my mom is happy, and at peace, do I believe you will be in heaven with you loved ones NO, you will see them when you are passing on, that' what I think.  

Well said theressa. I have got the first motivation to get out of grief.

My mother always wanted to have our own car which I never bought but now my first aim is to fulfil this wish.

I have to add I miss my mom terribly, every single night I get in bed and in the darkness I cry and tell her if you are near me and can hear me I love you mom.  

I say to her one day you will let me know what happened.

Every night I say good night mom I love you, just like she used to say to me every night, she would say "love you sweetheart" talk to you tomorrow.

:(

A friend of mine lost his brother to suicide last year. My friend asked me if I thought that his brother was in Hell. There's a question that no one wants to be asked. There's just no way of knowing. And I don't want to make a joke out of this, but I haven't been the luckiest person since my mom died. If I had ended my own life, that would be just my luck to end up in Hell. Like Virginia said, I don't want to ruin my chances of being with my mom again, and not just for a little while, but for eternity. No thank you.

I do believe that we will be with our mom's again in heaven, but I also  think that we will feel an immediate connection with everyone there, like we have known them forever. We are all a part of the whole (God). God is love. This is just personal opinion, but I think our pets will be there, too. Jesus said that our joy will be complete. I can't imagine my joy being complete without all of my little furry friends.

This is all just a guess on my part. I guess we won't know for sure until we get there.

I told my friend that I thought his brother was in heaven. Part of that was to make him feel better, but also, his brother had severe mental issues. I just can't imagine that God would punish someone for having a disease. One thing I do know is that I cannot speak for God.

I think there is one more thing to consider. Something that means a great deal to me. Christ suffered in a way that we will probably never have to, and he did it knowingly. He always knew how he would die, and he allowed it to happen for our benefit. Just imagine this... He was kicked, punched, spat on, and then scourged. It's important to know what scourging is. He took 40 lashes with a whip. The Romans used to embed shards of glass and nails in the leather. Every lash would have torn skin from bone. That alone would kill most people. We can be sure that his wounds were not treated. And then he had to carry his own cross up a hill where he was nailed to a cross. When he said he was thirsty they gave him vinegar to drink. He hung on that cross until he died.

I'm sorry if I'm preaching to you guys. I don't want to force my beliefs down anyone's throat. It's just that I remember that even Jesus was so nervous before the worst happened that he asked that this cup be removed from him. I guess he realized the answer was no. And then he said, "Your will, not mine." He allowed all of that to happen to him for our sake.

We all have crosses to bear. Unfortunately a lot of it is self imposed. That's the guilt we lay on ourselves. Our crosses are heavy enough already. This life is hard on its own. And sometimes we are fortunate enough that others will help carry our cross. I hope that we will let them, and I hope that we will do the same for others.

Thanks for amazing words Brett. Yes the belief that we will meet our mother in heaven is a great motivation to love life.

Avi, I am sorry that it's taken a while for me to respond to you. I ready your story and I felt it. I am so sorry about your mom. If someone were to ask me what the prevailing emotion on this website is, I'm not sure that I would say sadness. It may be sadness but guilt runs a pretty close second. You did what you felt was best for your mom at the time. I even felt guilty for giving my mom so much morphine while she was on Hospice. The Hospice doctor said that I was not giving her anywhere near enough. I would ask my mom if she wanted it. At first she would say no. By the end she was asking for it frequently. I felt that I was killing her, but she was already dying. My mom died of COPD. Once I had to call 911 because my mom was virtually unresponsive. They found a kink in her oxygen tubing. She was not getting oxygen. It was my job to check her tubing each day.

My guilt can be debilitating but I sure loved my mom, and I know that you loved yours just as much. For all the mistakes that we made, we loved them foremost. Our mom's knew that. They forgave us and they forgive us.

I pray that you will find peace. You deserve it.

Yes Brett, perfectly said. They will surely forgive us and I just need to forgive myself. 

I will be fulfilling her pending wishes which will help me to forgive myself and also take more care of my Dad as he is alone now.

I was thinking about something last night that I had not thought about before. If by some miracle I could have my mom back for another 20 years, I know that the first day would be amazing. I would hug the snot out of her and thank her for everything she did for me. I would apologize for all of the things that have made me feel so guilty. It would be a glorious day.

But I also know that sooner or later we would have an argument about something, or maybe she would ask me to do something that I didn't feel like doing.

It's just the way life is. I appreciated my mom so much in life, especially towards the end when I knew I was going to lose her, but sometimes we just cannot fully appreciate someone until they are taken away from us for good.

Theresa, I'm a little long winded today. I was thinking about what your yoga teacher said. I have a few friends who are atheist. I'm not saying your yoga teacher is. I have no idea. Their mantra is, "Live for today." That's a hard thing to do when your heart is broken.

One of my brothers is an atheist. I asked him where he thought our mother was. He said, "In a grave at Christ Lutheran Church." I would be completely miserable if I believed that. There is a lot of merit in finding joy in each day. I just hope for so much more. I would like to find a way to have peace today, but to also have the knowledge that the love I feel will not die when I die. That my mom, and my grandma, and my little dog, Boo, are all waiting for me.

Brett no he was is not but he is a bit let’s say odd!?  You are so right our Lord suffered for us.   I made the mistake of watching the Mel Gibson The Passion.  It had me distraught for days. 

Some of my friends are like that they do not Believe in the afterlife which took me by surprise because the whole time of been a good friend her I thought she did

I have this to say most of my friends still have their parents they have no idea what grief and anguish really is.

you were not preaching agree with everything you say 100%

I think we can all use this right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXxRyNvTPr8

How true Brett!

 I went to the nail salon today and I saw girl I haven’t seen for probably two years saw her walking across the salon strangely I couldn’t imagine what was going on so I walked over to say hi to her because I didn’t think she recognized me and she looked up at me with a blank look in her eye and her daughter said my mom had a stroke two years ago I was so taken back this girl is younger than me I don’t even think she’s 50 I just couldn’t believe it then her husband came to get her she’s not doing very well after two years  so sad it scared me so much.  

 That was a real wake up call of how precious life is     I’m still dumbfounded    

Good morning all. This is morning in India now.

I hope that afterlife exists so that I can meet my mother somewhere after I pass and also my father meets her lovely wife after he starts his heavenly journey.

Brett if you tell me your dog was a Pomeranian I won’t believe it

Brett, any thoughts on why horrible things happen to the best people?

I would never pray for anything that wasnt important.  Why weren’t my prayers to cure my Mom answered?  Then I ask is it because I was supposed to cure her and I failed?

I had two. Now I have one. They were sisters and they are Schnoodles. 12 years ago I lost my little dog Annie. She was a Poodle. I missed a couple of days of work. I couldn't stop crying. My mom walked into my bedroom with two little puppies. They had gift bows on their heads. Mom said, "Here. If you lose one, you will still have another one to love." Just another of the million reasons why I love my mom so much. That was also about the time that my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Krissy and Boo were by my side from the beginning. When mom was on Hospice I never left the house, but I was never lonely. They were on top of me all of the time. When mom died I said, "Thank Goodness I still have you two." They were my reason for getting up in the morning. My mom loved them and they were a great big piece of her. Losing Boo was so hard. It happened a few months ago. She died in the night. She was the best little dog. She was blind and she would always have her nose pressed up against my leg so that she always knew where I was. I miss her. I like to think she's with mom now, waiting across the Rainbow Bridge for me.

They may have been the best gift that my mom ever gave me. She made sure that I was not alone after she died. They have been a blessing. A true gift from God. I still have little Krissy. She's blind now, too. She's old but I think that she sticks around for me, watching over me.

After I lost Boo, I listened to this song so many times. She and Krissy saw me through the worst times.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBHcUv_42zI

Brett, Im so sorry you lost Boo.  They are part of the family.  We only ever had one dog, a Pom, Coco.  He lived to almost 18.  I regret that I never trained him so he was not well behaved.  My Mom had a lot of extra work taking care of him while I was at work.  But of course she never complained.  We lost my Granny then the next year Coco then the next year my Mom got sick.  If only I could go back and prevent it all.

Virginia, the worst things don't happen to the best people. They happen to all of us sooner or later. You did not fail your mom. I don't know if you read this or not. It was several posts back. The last time my mom was in the hospital, I jokingly asked the same doctor who had saved her so many times if he would come home with us. He said, "Even if I did come home with you, I couldn't save your mom. Both my mom and dad have passed away. I couldn't save them. There's only so much we can do."

I realized a long time ago that God did not kill my mom. The guaranteed conclusion to life is death. It could be cancer or heart disease. It could be a lot of things but we can't keep the people that we love forever. My mom's death was like a tidal wave. At first the doctors would fix one thing and then two more things would happen, and then three. It couldn't be stopped.

If God answered every one of our prayers than no one would ever die. It's just not possible. We have to let go. We don't have a choice, and  there is never a good time. If my mom had lived to be 100 her death would have still been awful. Sooner or later we have to say goodbye, but with the hope that we will see them again. I know that we will. And we will never have to say goodbye again. 

Virginia, if I could go back I would tell my mom so many things that I wish I had said. I would have spent the last day with Boo scratching her belly and loving on her. I wouldn't have been able to prevent anything though. It's heartbreaking but there are some things in life that we just have no control over. I wish we did.

Brett,

Im not sure how old your Mom was.  Seventy is too young, especially for someone who took perfect care of her health her whole life.

My mom was 81. Bluebells mom was older. It's always too soon.

My mother was only 66 and wanted to live for at least few more months to see her grand child in Aug.

Oh I’m so sorry Avi.  Hopefully she still sees her.

My Mom was 98 years old when she passed away. It did not make it any easier. What she was blessed with is that she could still walk with a walker, watch TV, read the newspaper, be taken to get her hair done, feed her self, mostly dress herself and enjoy watching her two outdoor cats even though she was not well until she was finally hospitalized for 6 days. We brought her home on Hospice when it was apparent she was suffering and it would have been cruel to continue keeping her alive. I told out my brothers and sister it was time to bring her home  where she could die surrounded by people she loved and in the home she had been in for over 30 years. She passed away 2 days later sitting in a recliner with most of her family with her. She told me that when she died, she did not want it to be in her sleep because she wanted to be able to say goodbye. I did the best I could to make that come true for her. Her death broke my heart. It was 1 year Feb 14th since she passed away. I am still grieving, but it is not as intense most days. When my sister's husband died suddenly last month, it brought back up the intense grief not only for my Mom, but fresh grief for the loss of my Brother in Law. I am close to my sister, so I feel badly for her too. She is suffering the loss of a man she has been with and loved for over 40 years suddenly ripped away from her.

Bluebell

Brett has said it again, the only conclusion to life is death, when, how, where is all part of the mystery of life.

God hears everyone, don't ever forsake him as Brett said look what he has done for us, he suffered horribly.

I don't blame God for anything, I just ask him to help me and be by my side always.

Feel sorry for the loss of your sister Bluebell. Losing a partner of so many years is horrible.

My father lost his partner for 37 years.

My suggestion Avi  is that if it is at all possible for you to be of support for your Father at this time, try do do so. When my Father died, I was so wrapped up in my own sorrow, I gave little thought as to what my Mom was going through. To this day, I regret that.

Bluebell

I want to share that I have found a wonderful massage therapist who will come to my home. She is a good friend of my sister's so I trust her. I have had one session with her and really like that she not only uses massage to help with sore muscles, she also incorporates breath and imagery similar to those used in Yoga. I feel blessed.

Bluebell 

Agree Bluebell. I have started spending more.time with my father now. I work at different location but planning to take my father along with me now.

I am with you on your regret as I also regret that I did not spend much time with my parents when it was needed

Bluebell, that is wonderful, of course stress wreaks havoc on our body, I feel as though after my mom passed from stress my body broke down, I tore my foot in two odd places, my hip was excruciating from bursitis and my knee just found out I have arthritis under my knee cap, I had none of this when mom was here.

Stress is horrible.

Avi that is good that you will spend more time with your father, I'm sorry if you already wrote this, but how old and how did your mom leave this earth.

Bluebell has it already been one year for you, I remember when you first started posting.  Can I ask you do you feel any different after your first year?  I know myself the second was the hardest, I could not see the light until the 3rd started.

For Brett and I it is coming on three years......I just can't believe it.

Theresa,

The grief most most days is much less intense than in the 1st 3 to 4 months after her death. I have noticed that certain things do trigger intense grief agian, like for instance my Brother in Law passing away or the fear of losing someone I care deeply about if they are going through a serious illness. There are other triggers, but I can not remember them right now. Overall, I still have a low hum of grief every day and still miss my Mom like crazy. I still sometimes go through " if I had just done this or just done that, my Mom would still be alive". But those thoughts come less frequently.

I agree with you that stress breaks our body's down, and it becomes worse after we have turned 50 years old.

Bluebell

Bluebell, that is a good way of putting it a low hum of grief, I miss my mom terribly every day.

I miss my mom too much. I can be having a good day and then suddenly remember. There is a cap on how happy that I can be.

We closed on my mother's house Tuesday. I had to go over there yesterday. The new owner had some questions about the house. It was so hard seeing another lady's car in my mom's driveway. Worse yet, her dog wouldn't stop barking at me. He was protecting his space (my mother's house).

I did get one laugh. She asked me how to turn out the lights? I said with the light switch. She said, "No." and pointed at all of the solar tubing.  She said, "How do I turn those off?" I told her, "You can't turn off the sun ma'am."

She did say that she could tell that there had been a lot of love in that house. She said that she could feel it. She doesn't know the half of it.

Brett me too when we sold the house and I met the people that bought it they were very kind they told me I could come anytime but I couldn’t go back and sometimes I think about it some other family in the house that my mother lived in for 60 years house that my mom worked so hard for when you’re young you never think that day will come when you get older you think about it.   Sadly it’s been a most three years I could never go back to the house I just could not walk in there without crying I did video the entire house after we got done doing the odds and ends and cleaning it out and refinishing the hardwood and painting it it was beautiful and I have that on video on my phone which I’m grateful for I used to go there as often as I could and we went there on Sundays like clockwork every Sunday and every Sunday my mother cooked for us my mother cook dinner till the day she passed I had to fight with her no I said you do not need to cook mom please just because I come up here on Sundays does not mean you have to cook she did not want to hear on Thanksgiving she by herself put a 20 pound turkey in the oven 91 years old 5 feet 120 pounds tiny little thing and she did it  Never once complaining never once asking for help

I'd just as soon not go back. My neighbors have asked me to come back and visit. I have, and I just try not to even look at the house. That's pretty much impossible. The lady who bought is nice enough I guess but she is very reserved. She's European. I could not place the accent. I guess there was a part of me that hoped it would be someone just like my little mom. No such luck. There are not many people like my mom.

Theresa, I lost my mom to gall bladder cancer on 15 may 2018. She was diagnosed in oct 17 at final stage and since then i was monitoring her treatment.

She was 66 years old and was a very simple lady but not sure why God takes good people early. 

Avi, I hope you don't mind me saying this. God didn't take your mom. Cancer did. I say this because my mom had five different forms of cancer over the course of 12 years. She had 10 bouts with cancer and spent the last 12 years of her life going through chemo and radiation. It was too much, and I just can't believe that the Lord would put someone through that. I used to go over to the children's hospital when my mom was going through chemo. She would sometimes be there for 8 hours or more. The children's hospital was connected to the women's hospital. I would wonder around. I stopped wondering in that direction. It was just too much to see. And I realized quickly (my opinion) that God would not do that to a child. I think cancer, heart disease and just about every other kind of disease is just one of the pitfalls of life. Sooner or later we will all fall to some kind of breakdown of our bodies. i lost my mom on Christmas Eve. My sister said, "Why would God ruin our Christmas?" I just can't believe that he did. I believe he was there to receive her, but I do not believe that he caused it.

Yes I agree Brett. Not sure if these things are pre-destined or are related to some unknown facts. My mother lived a very simple life but still got stomach cancer. 

But you are right. I hope God receives her and she is in peace and I meet her some day. 

Avi, to be such a religious person, I am the first to admit that I have no idea how God works. After I lost my mom I was trying to navigate through the stages of grief. There were a lot of them that I just didn't have. There was not denial. I knew my mom had died. I wan't mad at my mom for leaving me. She had no choice. I wasn't at all mad at God. But after my mom died I wondered why God wasn't more present. I don't know what I expected. I didn't expect a visit from Jesus or anything. I just thought that a feeling would come that I knew came specifically from God. I still haven't felt that. That was very hard in the early stages of my grief. I still don't know. I certainly believe in God but I just don't understand how he works. I'm trying to eliminate some things. I certainly don't think he's out to get me or mad at me, but I do wonder if there is a predetermined reason why my life has taken such a turn. Maybe I will figure it out someday. I hope so.

Regardless, I want you to know that I am in your corner. I know that you are in pain,. I now you miss your mom terribly. And I know that, if you are anything like the rest of us here, you have regrets. I'm sorry for that. I wish that none of us had regrets after loving someone so much. There is nothing in the world quite like a mom, and I don't know if anyone will ever love us like our mom's did. It is just so hard to let go and find acceptance of their death, and to find peace within ourselves. There is one thing I have learned about grief. It hurts. I mean, it really, really hurts.

Hurt is an understatement. It is worse than hurt. What it feels like to loose your Mom has no word or words that can adequately describe it.

Bluebell

Yes Brett. Regret is more strong than grief. I regret of not doing enough for my mother, not able to fully understand the disease. I was away with my parents for 6 years and I assume during those years the Cancer was developing in my mother's body but there were no symptoms. I returned to them in 2015 and then also did not analyze any specific symptoms and when I realized it was too late. 

She was a simple lady and totally dependent on me and oncologist for her treatment. Oncologist was always doing palliative treatment whereas I was positive of cure. But eventually Oncologist was right. 

Although I will live with regrets but I will fulfill few of her wishes which I never gave importance when she was alive. 

I feel strong among you guys because outside not many people will understand this grief and regret. 

Avi, I'm so sorry.  I am glad you feel strong among us. 

Some of the closest people to me were the harshest towards me, telling me its not the end of the world because  your mom died and get over it.

I said to myself you'll see......

Theresa although i am sailing in the same boat as you but I want to tell one famous saying written in hindu religious book bhagvad gita which can be considered equivalent to bible.

In bhagvad gita lord krishna says that it is only body which leaves us when our loved one die and we should not mourn for the body. Body is just like clothes for the soul which are bound to be changed. The soul will start its next travel and wear some other clothes (body). We can continue loving our loved ones even after their new journey has started.

Although these lines are hard to implement in our lives and our ideal but we can be content that our loved ones are not dead and just have started a new journey