I can escape reality in doses. Like when I am at church, or sometimes before I fall asleep I'll get all bundled up in bed and remember happier times, but as Bluebell said, reality has a way of slapping you in the face. At some point the church service ends, or the alarm goes off. We all have to face the realities of our lives.

Sherri, I am so glad that you reached out for help. I just finished counseling. My psychiatrist told me, "There is nothing wrong with you. You just miss your mother." But I just don't know how to fix that. I'll always miss her, but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

And I want to comment on something (again) that Theresa has mentioned many times. It is so hard to find a true listening ear, and I am so tired of bad advice, or cliched advice. When my minister first suggested counseling to me, he and my therapist put a game plan together that I very quickly, and angrily shot down. There idea was that I have an accountability partner. That would be my therapist. That confrontational stuff did not help me at all. I told her that what I didn't need was another person to fuss at me. I already had enough people to tell me, "Your mom wouldn't want you to feel this way." That's true, but I could no more control what I felt than I could have controlled what my mom would have felt if I had died instead. I know that my mom would want me to be happy. It's getting from point A to point Z that I can't figure out.

I truly envy anyone who has a spouse who is also their best friend, or anyone who has a child that they can focus their love on and take care of. Lord knows I love my little dog but she doesn't give very good advice.

Friends who have happy contented lives just cannot understand what I am going through. We may have friends that will listen, but it is hard to find friends who will actually hear.

It's a long, hard road.

I have a therapist that listens, calls me back, lets me decide when I want to see him, lets me cry, laugh, sit in silence, talk about the state of the world, encourages me, lets me bring my dog with me, has a pager # for emergencies etc. He was there for me when I was taking care of my Mom. He was there for me when my Mom passed away etc. I can not say enough good things about him. I have seen him on and off for a while and trust him. Today I am scared I am going to loose him to complications from a procedure he is having in couple of days. I need a therapist to help me deal with the fear I will loose my therapist!

Bluebell

Bluebell my escape is work I work for a surgeon so I must focus on work plus plan ahead always so I don't have to think of my life just his which I'm like his work wife booking even his appt around our appt to keep things moving for him always so this last bit we have been so busy I work late and take work home so I found it easier to keep my mind on work not me. As for reality it hits me every night as I also seem to have insumona so lots of time I'm up at 2am for hours. This is my escape. I'm sorry Brett for your experience I'm hoping mine is as positive like bluebell  my doctor found me someone who deals mostly in grief counselling so I said I'd try it. 

I hope it is a positive experience too Sherri.

Bluebell

Sherri, I just went to another therapist. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit. Oddly enough, I like my first therapist a lot as a person, and she and I have remained friends.

I am sorry to hear about your insomnia. I can handle just about anything if I have a good night's sleep. I am a Nutritionist and I have been able to find a nutritional equivalent to a lot of medications. Not with insomnia or depression though. I do believe that magnesium is a big help with insomnia. It relaxes the body if not the mind. 

Thanks Brett I'll try it see if it helps

My post last night in the LASTEST ACTIVITY around 2-2:30 AM

"is anybody out there? I am feeling pretty bad and alone."

It was very disappointing not to get an answer, but I survived.

Bluebell

Good Morning Bluebell

I'm sorry I never saw this it I'm glad your okay

I never saw that either. I wish that I had.

To put it out there, I am going through what is called discontinuation syndrome from an antidepressant I was not tolerating. I am one of those that this syndrome is particularly bad. You can look up discontinuation syndrome from an antidepressant if you want more information.

I am okay, not great, but okay. 

Bluebell

Bluebell I am praying for you.   We survived mother's day. 

Last night was pretty bad for me. I was feeling anxious all day and cried myself to sleep.  A bit glad though cause I got to see my mom, even if it was just in my dreams, I felt so close to her. It was a weird dream split into two. One of us at the beach and the next was reliving watching her take her last breaths of life.   Im just so tired of feeling the guilt and the sadness... I miss her terribly and I've realized my feelings of resentment towards some people in my life still lingers. 

Bluebell, I am familiar with discontinuation syndrome. I have experienced it before and it's horrible. Klonopin helped me greatly.

I am so sorry. You are experiencing enough without having to go through this, too. We take antidepressants to try and cope, and sometimes they just make the problem worse. I had a very short run in with Effexor. It was horrible. 

Thank you for answering Brett.

Yes. It is horrible. Not only are my emotions all over the place and it is hard to focus, I am also dizzy, nauseated, shake, feel fatigued, easily get cold and I cry. I tried the antidepressant and then it shot my anxiety through the roof. Consequently, instead of tapering slowly like is recommended, I had to cut the dose in half. I cannot drive. I cannot work. It is hard to think clearly. I am missing a get together with my sister and friends tomorrow to celebrate my birthday and to honor our Mothers for Mother'd day. A friend whom I invited to go with me is mad at me because I had to cancel  and I could not tell her the real reason why. As much as I love her, she is the type of person that would never understand. Thank goodness my sister does understand and believes me when I told her why I had to cancel and how bad I felt. I do have a dear good friend that is helping take care of my cats at my second residence because I can not get there in my car safely. A med similar to Klonipin is helping me with the shakes when they get particularly bad, but it puts me to sleep. When I wake up, I feel disoriented and just shuffle around the house for a bit, feeling lost. Yes, it is hard to go through this along with everything else. But I am assured by the doctor that it will get better after 1-2 weeks. I hope so. 

Crystal, thank you for your prayers. I am glad you got to see your Mom in your dreams, but sorry part of it was reliving her final breaths. I still think and visualize my Mom's last few breaths while I am awake. But they do not come as frequently and I am learning to push them away.

Thank God I have my little dog who accepts me and shows his love for me no matter what state of mind I am in or how bad I feel physically.

Thank God for good friends who are willing to help me while I get through this.

Thank God for this group who care about each other and support one another the best that they can while they are going through missing their Moms

For those who are on or considering an antidepressant or are currently on one, what I am going through does not happen to everyone, or if it does, the intensity varies from person to person.

Bluebell

Gosh Bluebell, I'm sorry about that, you never know how a med is going to affect you.

I think about everyone on here always, I have been trying to busy myself with work taking extra hours to occupy my mind.

It doesn't work.

On a positive note Theresa, you are being proactive by working extra hours in hopes that it will help you get through this very hard time in your life.

My prayers are with all of you daily. It does not always take the form of getting down on my knees and formally talking to God, but I like to think God hears me anyway.

Bluebell

Hi, just joined the group.  Wanted to comment on Brett’s point about people getting tired of hearing about grief or not understanding it.  I feel like I want to talk about my Mom constantly, whether it’s good times or bad.  It’s all I think about.  I have been obsessed with our experience in the hospital and why I didn’t question the doctors more and everything I did wrong.  In fact, tomorrow I am talking to the ICU doctor to try to get some answers.  I was by her side for four years of sickness, that she so bravely fought, and feel like at the end, I ruined everything.

And I tried not to know when Mother’s Day was, but that didn’t work.  One of my favorite days before.  No one should have to be without their Mom on Mother’s Day.  I should’ve treated her like everyday was her day.

And speaking of therapists, I have ptsd, and sometimes I feel like I don’t fully realize what happened.  I sort of get numb at times and feel guilty about it.  I asked my therapist if it means I don’t care about my Mom.  She has known me for a long time and said, “I think you love your Mom more than anyone ever has”.  I was thinking that’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

Hi Virginia and welcome. May I ask when your dear Mom passed away?

Bluebell

Virginia, our stories are very similar. I was my mom's caretaker as well. I was diagnosed with PTSD after she died. When we have PTSD we can turn just about everything into a worst case scenario. It is so easy to look back and question decisions that we made. I wish that I would have appreciated my mom more, not just on Mother's Day, but every day. Deep down I know the truth is that I always appreciated her. Guilt is a part of grief, and for some reason we are bound and determined to punish ourselves, like we don't feel bad enough already. Your therapist is right. You feel the way you do now because you loved your mom so incredibly much. If we had felt any indifference for our moms we would probably feel somewhat indifferent now. You cannot manufacture love. You either love someone or you don't. You obviously love your mom with all of your heart. And I am sure that your mom is very aware of that. Even now. Maybe now more than ever.

Thank you for your post Brett. It not only will help Virginia, it is helping me too.

Bluebell

I was thinking about this today. If I could have my mom back for just one month I would dote on her till the cows came home. The truth is my mom wouldn't have liked that. She didn't like to be doted on. At the end she was very appreciative for my help because there were so many things that she could not do for herself. The last month of her life was spent in bed. I felt very badly for her. For someone who was so independent to rely on someone else for even a drink of water. She would ask me for a cookie. It was just like when I was little and I would ask her. It was hard for my mom to let someone take care of her. For someone who loved her children so unconditionally, she wasn't crazy about being hugged on all the time. I think in the end she let me hold her hand just because she didn't have the energy to pull hers away.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we sort of think back and manufacture a better scenario for our mom's death. But I try to remember that, at the time, I tried to respond the way I thought my mom would want. Hindsight is 20/20. There are things that I wish I had said, but that's more for me than for my mom. My mom knew how much I loved her. All of our mom's knew.

Bluebell,

it has been three long months.  It feels like years.  Can I ask how old you are?  I’m 47, only child, not married, no kids.  I always lived with my parents as I wanted to be close to my Mom.

How are your symptoms from discontinuation?

Brett, 

 Thanks for your comment, it made me cry.  I hope she knows how much I love her.  The thing is I had OCD, fear of germs, since about age 18 and it was controlled with medicine.  When my Mom got cancer, the ocd took over because I didn’t want her to get sick, having a possible lower immune system from chemo.  I then got severe depression and anxiety also and meds were not helping.  Over the four years, as her health got worse, so did I and my ability to take care of her.  I took my anger and frustration out on my Dad.  At times, I wouldnt even talk to my Mom.  Once she even asked if I was mad at her.  We always watched tv at night, she recorded all our favorite shows.  If I was in a mood, I wouldn’t even watch tv.  I spent a lot of time sleeping to escape.  I was right next to her if she needed me, but that’s not good enough.  I realize now that I showed no emotions other than my negative depression and anxiety.  I never told her I loved her, how brave she is, that she was going to beat this, or how lucky I was to have her.  I should have told her everyday!  My therapist says I had trauma and my ocd and depression but this is no excuse.  I knew what a dangerous state her health was in and that I should overcome my little problems.  I should have done everything to give her the best chance possible at getting better.  Instead I caused her extra stress everyday as she worried about my issues.

  You said your Mom didn’t like being taken care of.  My Mom is the same way, she was used to taking care of us our whole lives.  Sometimes she’d even cry and say she ruined our lives.  She made our lives worth living and now they’re not.

 Sorry for the long post but as you can see I have a lot to feel guilty about.  I hate myself for how I treated her.  How could I act like that towards the person I love more than life itself?  How can I even live with myself?

Brett,

can I just ask, were you ever given medicine for your ptsd?  Do or did you ever feel like you didn’t fully realize what happened?  And other times it would be clearer?  I feel like I’m not grieving appropriately.  Honestly, I thought I would have dropped dead instantly when this happened and don’t know what I’m still doing here.  I don’t belong here without her.

Virginia

3 months is a very short time. It has been a little more than a year for me and the intensity of my grief has gotten less, but it is and may never be gone. I will always miss her. Be kind to yourself and do not set a time line on how you should be feeling. I suggest you take it a day at a time or even minute by minute and hang on to the thought that it will get better. Mean time, let yourself feel what ever emotion it is that comes along and try to distract yourself if it becomes too intense. If you have a good therapist that you trust and feel safe with, stick with him or her for support. But no therapist's words are gospel, because they are human too and make mistakes. 

Thank you for asking about the withdrawal from the antidepressant. It has its ups and downs. Today was a bad day in someways but good in that I found something called Sea Band that actually helps the dizziness and nausea. It is based on acupressure.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You can get through this.

Bluebell

Virginia, Bluebell is correct, it has been two years and four months and I still cry.

Three months is a short time, for me the first year was just a blur, I can't remember much or how I got things done.

Virginia I feel like an only child being my brother is 17 years older than me and lives far away, we talk very infrequently, I have no children, just my 11 year old labrador.

I volunteer at church on Fridays before work to sit in peace with the blessed sacrament, I feel like it gives me clarification and a sense of peace.

I do have to say not one day goes by without me almost crying I try hard to get it together, but I can only try so hard.

My mom was very independent also, she drove, went to church and did more than I did at 92 years old.  Her passing was not only a shock to me but to everyone she knew, it was so sudden and unexpected.

Only in my opinion if you are taking care of your mom if she is ill, you have time to say mom I love you, I did not get to say anything.

After her passing it was amazing how many peoples lives she touched.  

If I could have one wish it would be just to say mom I love you with all my heart

Hi Theresa. I am up too and have been since 3AM. No point in going to bed now. I am going to start the coffee and carry on with my day. I hope yours goes well.

Hugs

Bluebell

You also Bluebell, thank you.....

Beautiful Brett and so very honest and true.

Bluebell

I tried several medications for my PTSD. It took a a while to find the right one. You have to let that kind of medication build up in your system before you know if it will truly work, but sometimes the side effects in the early stages are just too much. It's hit or miss until you find the right fit. Some folks are lucky and they find the right medication right away.

With PTSD it is so important to remember that we tend to feel things harder than others. We can take a bad situation and believe it to be so much worse than it actually is. That's when we have to realize that it's the PTSD talking. Medication can help greatly, so can therapy, but there comes a point when you just become tired of being scared and you start to fight back and not let it control your emotions. It's not easy. None of this is easy. There is no proper way to grieve. We feel what we feel. People tell me that I have made progress over the last two and a half years. I think that may be more apparent to them than it is me. I still miss my mom terribly. I cry a lot. I am nowhere near a finished product. I just believe that we have to take baby steps, inch by inch, day by day, minute by minute. Missing our moms is one thing, but wondering if they know how much we love them is needless. They know. And as far as guilt is concerned, I don't think there is even one of our moms who would come back and yell at us. If anything, they would hold us like when we were small children and tell us that everything is going to be okay. They love us as much as we love them, and that is saying something. 

Thank you Bluebell, I go to my therapist every week.  I have to be able to run all my thoughts by her, especially about the guilt. The good thing is she has known me for a long time and has even met my Mom so she knows our unusually close relationship.  People ask if it helps but nothing can take the pain or loss away.  I don’t want to be in this world without her.

I think you said you have a good therapist too.  I am glad your grief has lessened.

Virginia, I feel that way as well. I don't want to be in this world without my mom. And I'll be honest with you. I got more out of medication than I did therapy. The heartbreak we experience can start with sadness and become full blown Major Depressive Disorder. It's good to fight that on two fronts. My therapist could not prescribe medication so she referred me to a psychiatrist. She has been a lot of help, or the medication has. And also just time. It's still very early for you. I think for the first few months after my mom died I was walking around in a state of shock. I have a really good memory but there is a lot about those days that I cannot even remember. And then there was a point where I woke up and the reality of the situation sank in. That was rough, and I still am experiencing that. I'm not saying this to scare you. I just want you to know that what you're feeling is natural grief.

It's hard for you and me. I completely understand your relationship with your mom because I lived something very similar. I never got married. I wanted to stay with my mom. I used to say that there was nothing that could pry me away from my mom. I was wrong. Death did. It's so hard to go from one extreme to another. To go from having our moms each day to not having her at all. That's a hard thing to fathom and accept.

Just please don't give up. Find joy where you can. I never liked it when people told me this but it's true. Our mom's would want us to be happy. How we get there is the mystery. I'll fight with you my friend. We'll figure this out together.

Brett, 

 Your posts always make me cry, you write so well and it always hits me in the heart.  So you also felt the constant despair inside, but you were able to control and hide it, unlike me.  Therein lies my guilt.  I was supposed to cheer her on and she had to tell me it was going to be ok.  My Mom would never blame me for anything though.  All she did was love me.

  I keep thinking why didn’t I just let us enjoy the time we had but I guess you’re right.  With all the stress, it was hard to.  She was so brave though, and somehow always stayed positive.  I could’ve never went through what she did, especially putting up with me.  We did always enjoy tv though, and Raymond was one of our very favorite shows.  We know the episodes by heart.  She liked the Middle too and I used to argue with her that it can’t be compared to Raymond.

  I can’t stand not even being able to talk with her.  Talking “to” her is no where near enough.  And I can’t wait until I’m old to be with her again because like you, I’m not meant to be without her.

Brett,

  You are right, how can we go from our Moms being our whole lives to nothing?  It’s not possible.  It doesn’t even make sense.  I see other families and I envy them and it makes me sad.  I want my family back, she is my family.  

  And I keep hearing of people saying their grief seems worse a year or two later.  I guess that’s when the shock wears off.  As far as depression goes, I already had it and I’m not even going to try to treat it now. 

  Do you read the Bible?  If so, does it help?

Virginia, mom's are very intuitive. I tired to hide it. It didn't work. Mom could see right through me. She would tell me that everything was going to be okay. I think my mom was more worried about leaving me than she was about dying. That caused me tremendous guilt. She asked me once before she died if I would let her go. I told her that I didn't have any choice. I was able to muster up the words right before she died. I told her that I would be okay. That was a lie, but it was a loving lie. She needed to hear it even if she didn't believe it.

One thing you will notice in all of these posts. We are all trying to heal. If you just completely give into your depression it will consume you. That's a choice. I doesn't seem like a choice right now. It may seem like you can never find happiness again, but please try. Fight your depression. Please treat it. It will help. Depression is a chemical imbalance. It certainly can influence your decisions. It's also very treatable. That may be hard to believe right now but I hope that you will trust me. I was on my way to a dark place. I was already in a dark place. Now I am climbing out of it. I want you to climb out of it, too.

The bible helps me a lot. Not just the bible, faith and fellowship. Being in an environment of love and kindness certainly helps. Having faith is a wonderful help. I may not be happy today but I know this isn't the end. It's knowing that I will be with my mom again that gets me through the rough times. The last thing my mom did before she died was open her eyes, sit up in bed, look up, and then she held her hand. It was obvious what was happening to her. I asked her if she could see her mom. She didn't answer. She was rapt and in awe. I believe that she saw Jesus. What a powerful thing to see. And then she died.

This may sound selfish of me. My mom is with her mom and dad now, but I'm still here. Yes. I wish I had her back. That's probably not fair to her. My mom fought five different kinds of cancer. She had very advanced COPD, but she kept fighting. That makes me want to fight. She set an example for me. I will fight for her. Even if I'm not strong enough to fight for me, I will fight for her. It's a choice. I choose to live. But I do so knowing that my mom is waiting for me. Time goes by very quickly. It may not seem like it now, but every second that ticks away is a step closer to being with our loved ones. For me it means that I am one step closer to my mom. That gives me great hope.

Yes. If I could just press a button and go to heaven right now I would do it. It's not that easy though. When my mom died I honestly thought about ending my own life, but that is not the way that I want to meet God. I feel like as long as we are still breathing God has a purpose for us. I don't know what my purpose is yet, but I will keep looking. Don't stop looking. Don't stop hoping. Don't lose faith. Fight for your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your mom.

Again the similarities. Mom watched the Middle, too. We had the exact same argument. She compared it Raymond because Ray's wife was in it. I would tell mom, "Yeah, but she is playing a completely different character." Raymond also kind of makes my point. I still watch it almost every night. It's like the Barone family is trapped in time, but they are not. Frank and Marie have passed away. Life goes on and then one day it ends for all of us. Hold on, find happiness where you can, even in the smallest of things, until the day comes when you get to be with your mom again.

God Bless You, my friend. I'll be praying for you. I hope that you will pray for me also.

Brett,

I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0

Virginia,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you loved your Mom and miss her. From what you have told me about your Mom, she would want you to feel better, even if it can only be for a moment right now.

Bluebell

Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died.  All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about having to take care of her... I felt so guilty, even to know.... I made her cry once.. I felt so unappreciated and stressed and I told her to tell her other two daughters to take care of her because I was done. She called my older sister crying. Brett's words are so comforting. We have to remember that we are only human. We have our own feelings and with all the stress that comes with being a caretaker, its hard not to be angry or resentful sometimes. One thing I wish is that I joined a caregivers group or went to therapy because that would've helped a lot with the pressure I was feeling, because I had noone to talk to. 

It has been a year now for me, and although the stabbing pain of loss is not as bearing, there is a sadness that follows me everywhere I go.  I had no idea loss would be like this.. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes..

I extend my heart to you Virginia.. I know its hard.

Crystal,

I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common.  I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad.  Same here.  My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom, and I were very close.  Like you, everything reminds me of my Mom because we did everything together.  I can’t fathom the thought of waiting until I’m old to be with her either.   And like you said, I’d trade places with her in a minute because she deserves a long healthy live more than anyone.  She just turned seventy.  We didn’t even get to celebrate her birthday.  I feel so alone and heartbroken in every way and then there’s the guilt.

I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so much. My mom was dying and that's what I was focused on.

Also, I meant to say that reading the bible alone was not enough. God reaches us through other people. I needed to spend more time in church. And I needed to reach out instead of retreating inward.

I know this may sound odd, but I wish that I had known about this site before my mom died. I think all of us would like to help someone who will be losing their mom soon. I would tell them to say everything that they want to say. I would tell them to search their brain for anything that may come back to haunt them. Apologize. I wish that I had apologized to my mom for so many things. But I also realize that apology would be more for me than it would have been for my mom. My mom was not holding a grudge. She was just loving me. I wasn't the only one who had to say goodbye. She had to say goodbye to her son, too.

Crystal, all of those things that make you feel so guilty... I get it. We all have real reasons to feel guilt. When I was 15 I once told my mom to go to Hell. And I said it on Christmas Eve, the same night that she would die years later. When that memory came back to me (after mom died) it almost killed me. All of those nights towards the end when I had the perfect opportunity to apologize, I didn't. I didn't remember. But I also know that if I had apologized my mom would have rolled her eyes and said, "Brett, stop thinking about things like that. I know you didn't mean it. Let it go."

We are bound and determined to punish ourselves. Virginia, remember what Bluebell said. It's okay to find some peace. It's okay to say, "My mom knows how much I loved her." She does. You know she does. I can promise you that your mom was more worried about you than she was angry about anything you said, did, or didn't do. That's what mom's do. They love their children unconditionally. Sometimes they even know us better than we know ourselves. All of our mom's knew how much we loved/love them. There is nothing in this world better than a mom. No one will ever love us quite the way our moms did. We were literally a part of them. They carried us in their stomachs for nine months. We were/are theirs. It would take a whole heck of a lot more than a temper tantrum to make that love go away. It would take more than the frustration they saw in our eyes. My mom probably did feel like she was a burden to me, but she also knew there was nowhere else that I would rather be than by her side.

Theresa, I know you missed those last minutes and I know that will always hurt, but you were on your way. You were trying to get to her. I called 911 so many times. After a while I learned that it would take quite a while before they would let me see my mom at the hospital. I would walk the dogs first, put an overnight bag together for my mom, and then show up when I thought she was ready for me. I know now that could have been a big mistake. I could have gotten there too late. I just never expected my mom to die before I got there. We make decisions at the time. We are not perfect. We make mistakes, but Lord knows your mom knows how much you love her. All of our moms know.

Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We talk about ways that we hurt our mothers. There is nothing in this world that I could have done that would have hurt her more than that. Or if my mom knew before she died that I would be hurt so badly by her death that I would take my own life, she would have died a horrible death. If we want to do something for our moms, let's live for them.

We can't see our moms but let's not assume that they are not with us, that they are not still aware of us, praying for us, trying to comfort us when we cry. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a priest. I told him how much I missed my mom. He said, "Then talk to her! Tell her that you love her. Tell her that you miss her. Why would you think that she can't hear you?"

That gave me a lot of comfort. And who's to say that he's wrong? I look up at the sky every night and I say, "I love you mama."

Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. 

Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.  

I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but its just so hard knowing her last spoken words to me were "ok you know what hospital right and ok let me hang up I'm getting a pain in my shoulder" and I said ok mom ok, I hung up and left, but I stopped at her house on the way, why I don't know why, but it did and that five minutes was the reason I was not right next to her when she went in CA, instead there was a nurse there who was kind enough to tell me "I was talking to your mom and her eyes rolled back not gasping, nothing, it was very peaceful"  I hold on to that sentence from that nurse.  I hear it clear as day in my mind.  Sadly I was in shock and was trying to find her Rosary and prayer book to say the Lord is my shepard......I got numb, couldn't even cry was just staring, like someone took my mind out of my body, I stayed that way for a year...

When they were doing CPR I looked up into the corner knowing she was there looking down and I said MOM, I felt her there I know her soul was still in the room, it was there for a while, and then when they came to take her I felt it leave the room.

Unfortunately my brother was hours away and he did not get to see her until at the funeral palor, and her body did not look the same just like she was sleeping, when she passed she had a glow that even my husband commented on her face did not have a wrinkle it was amazing, now thinking back Jesus was in that room I know it her face was beautiful just like she saw just what she believed she would it truly was amazing.

Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she believed that she was near death. She asked me to say a prayer that she would die right then. I couldn't do it. She asked me to say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer with her. After we were finished, she said, "It didn't work. I can't die with you in the room." She asked me to wait out in the hallway. I did. I sat at her door and cried like a baby, just knowing that my mom was going to die, and I was not by her side. It went against every instinct that I had. Well, thank goodness she didn't die that night, and when it actually did happen, she did not ask me to leave the room.

I know it hurts. And I think you are right, maybe your mom did not want to die with you in the room. I don't know that for a fact though. I don't have any kids but if I had died before my mom, I am sure that I would have wanted her by my side.

No one comes through this unscathed. Tonight at work a friend was talking about her father who is dying. Someone had the nerve to tell her that another of our friends (Lila) had it even worse because her mom (who is also dying) didn't recognize her anymore. I said, "Hold on. This isn't a contest." Lord knows, it all hurts. I was with my mom when she died but there were mornings when she was on Hospice that I slept late. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, even knowing that my mom was awake and waiting for me to take her Bi-Pap mask off of her and maybe she was ready for breakfast or something to drink. I was just a few feet away from her but she was too polite to tell me to get up. She wanted me to get some rest. That's a mother's love, but I also feel very guilty. One of the products of so much love is the guilt we feel now. They loved us so incredibly much, and because of that we think of the ways that we let them down, and wish that we could have been better sons and daughters. Geez... if I could go back in time I would mow the lawn without being told, clean up my bedroom and my mess in the kitchen without being told. Anything to please my mom. But I can't.

What happened in your mom's final hours was not selfish at all. You just didn't know. How can you blame yourself for not knowing when your mom was going to die? You can blame yourself because you loved her so much. When we are grieving we do not even need to be at fault to feel guilt. We just do. I wish it wan't that way. We are all sad enough as it is, yet we continually pile on.

What's lost in all of this is that our mom's loved us so much that they would not blame us for anything, and they would probably chide us for blaming ourselves for anything in relation to their death. Maybe we should listen to them, even though we can't actually hear them. Maybe we should just give ourselves a break. Whether we can or can't is up to us. I hope that we will.

Hi Guys

This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer. 

The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was not able to do enough to save her during the last few days. She had difficulty in swallowing due to which I used to give her only the medicines which were vital. On the last day I did not gave her paracetomol in morning and in afternoon she got high fever and them things became out of control and finally she died at 5 PM India time. As per dr she was already in bonus time and he was not hopeful.

I still regret and think that if I have given her that medicine in morning she would have been saved. 

I belong to hindu religion and it is believed that these are obstacles which God plans for you as the life of your loved one have come to an end.

I have a lovely family to take care and would like to get over this guilt with the help of you guys.

  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight, why aren’t I spending more time thinking of the horrible suffering my Mom went through and the most undeserved thing that could possibly happen instead of my own sorrow?  This is what I did when she was sick also.  I was wrapped up in my own anxiety and depression instead of actually thinking how terrified and stressed she must have felt.  I know As Brett says our Moms worry about us more than themselves but I worried about her more than myself so how could I have done this?  I feel like I dont deserve comfort.  Brett, don’t pray for me, I’d rather you pray that my Mom is somehow ok and with her parents and our dog.  I always wonder what it’s like in Heaven.  Can they talk and kiss and hug each other as I am longing to do?  It kills to to think that she can’t do all the things she loves.  She loved life and people and made the best of her situation.  I can’t believe how brave she was and I wish I could have been even a little more like her.  Whenever I or a family member had a crisis, she always found a way to make us better.  I failed when she needed me most after she gave me life and cared for me my whole life.

  Brett, you said you considered ending your life before.  I did also, but got scared because people say you might not go to Heaven.  Now I’m wondering, maybe you still can?  I always told my Mom if the subject came up, if you go, I go.  Of course, she didn’t like that.  But I feel so truly it’s where I belong, it’s the least I can do to be by her side.

Virginia

It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out.

Bluebell

Avi,

  welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I feel like the doctors just gave up on her because her cancer was so bad.  I wonder what if I had pushed them to try something, even if it was risky, could it have helped?  I guess I didn’t realize how little time was left.  Had I known, I would’ve told them to try anything.  Now I am left feeling as though it’s all my fault.  I have recently talked to the ICU pulmonary doctor to try to understand what happened.  This just left me with more questions.  I found out he didn’t even consult with her oncologist or radiologist.  So I have a call in to the radiologist.  I had emailed her oncologist months ago but she never answered me.  Her and I didn’t exactly always get along.  I don’t think she always liked my many questions.  And I partly blame her for what led to what happened but that’s another story.  Anyway, this is driving me insane to think I could have done something.

Avi

I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has never been a time that I have been ignored or my feelings dismissed.

Bluebell