Crystal

My sister is playing the " If I had just intervened sooner, he would be here today." She is also replaying the whole incident in her head. I understand as I did and still play the same things about my Mom's death. She reassures me, when I need it, that I did everything I could to help Mom. Now it is my turn to help her get through this and to listen to what she has to say. I do not try to distract her when she cries or when she wants to talk about it. I know from personal experience, that distraction from an outside source does not help. When it is time, she will distract herself. 

I wish I could lessen her pain. I wish I could lessen everybody's pain. But I can not. All I can really do is offer emotional support and also try to help with some of the responsibilities she will have coming up. I think we all know how physically and emotionally draining a time like this is.

Bluebell

I am just checking in and sending caring and comforting thought to all of you. As far as myself, the death of my sister's husband has opened up thoughts of Mom and how much I miss her. I have shed many tears this past week.

Bluebell

Bluebell thank you for your thoughts my thoughts are with you also I’m 

i’m probably not doing what I should be witches working to occupy my 

mind.  I work in retail so I’m busy all day which sometimes is a good thing. 

My apologies for the typo that should say which is

No worries Theresa. 

Bluebell

Marie and Joy, if you are still reading, I just want to let you know that I am thinking about both of you.

God Bless you both.

In 3 months, it will be a year since my mom passed away. It feels like it was yesterday. I know I asked this before but when does it get easier to do activities that you and your mother did together? I cant bring myself to do anything that reminds me of the loss of her presence. Am I gonna go on like this forever. Feel like everything is tainted now. I haven’t stepped foot in her old home that her widowed husband now lives in, I cant go to church because I always went with her, or any cultural functions as well.  What do I do, everything reminds me of her. I even avoid driving down places that we used to go to together. 

Crystal. You have to do those things in memory of your mom should would want  you to do it I truly believe that I’m not saying that I don’t cry every day because I do I get in bed at night I cry when I’m sitting home alone I cry I tell her I miss her we will always miss our moms I remember when my mother and I would go to the cemetery where her mother was buried it was 45 years later and my mother still cried and she would say mom I live you     now I know how she felt. It hurts maybe I do cry more than I should I cry when I need to  even if it is every day. Everyone tells me I need to make peace with the way my mother passed away so suddenly and I wasn’t there I was not there to hold her hand to tell her I love her I will live with that the rest my life.  I go over my head every day when will it stop I don’t know

Sorry for the typos

It is so hard. My sister whose husband passed away April 9th 2018 does not want to see me right now because I remind her of Mom's passing a year ago Feb 14th. She does not do it to be mean or hurtful. She is just too full of grief for her husband and so very tired. We do what we have to do to get through this. 

Bluebell 

Crystal, there is no timeline. I understand all that you are saying. After moving out of my mom's house, I had to go back. My realtor called me back there frequently. I had little choice. It was hard. I did cry, but it was not the difference between getting over this or not. Maybe it did help with closure but it all still hurts. There is no easy way. We are going to feel what we are going to feel.

Just on a personal level, I wish that you would attend your church again. Communion is very important to me because communion is short for the communion of saints. I light a candle and I never feel as close to my mom as when I am in church. And the fact that it's your mom's church may only increase that feeling. It may bring you comfort to be there. It's at least worth a try.

As far as driving down familiar roads, you may as well. Face it head on. The sad reality is that avoiding certain places will not bring our moms back. Now, I'll sure admit that there are places that I do not want to go, like my mom's doctors office, or to a hospital room that my mom was in. There is no reason for me to go to those places though, but I would hate to avoid any part of my daily routine because it would make me think of my mom. The truth is that I am going to think about her anyway. There is simply no way to avoid that, and people who try are likely just fooling themselves. The pain would come back sooner or later. I think... continue to live your life. Take baby steps. That's what I'm trying to do. I'll let you know if it works.

I have not been to my moms grave. It's three hours away from where I live. It would be hard for me to see that. Just the idea of my moms body being there, if not her spirit, is hard for me to think about. Mom is buried in my hometown. Maybe if I still lived there I would have come to terms with it, I don't know, but I would like to think that I would have continued to go to our families church, and that I would visit my mom's grave. I just believe that my chances of healing would be better than if I ran away from those things. 

I also think Theresa is right. I want to find any way I can  to honor my mom. I don't know what she sees, but knowing my mom, she would want me to continue to live my life as I did before she died. And she would want me to be happy, too. I have a lot of work to do on the second part. 

Thank you Brett. I do try to honor her but it is so painful.  I attended church service yesterday. I think I did pretty well.  No unexpected outbursts. But then I came home and found an old album of photos, saw a picture of me and my mom when I was a toddler.  And bam, it got me.... I cried for about an hour afterwards...  I listened to a voicemail of hers tonight.  Felt like I hadn't heard her voice in awhile- when I heard it I thought "oh right, thats what it sounds like!" :(   Just so heartbroken right now.. Some days I do find myself looking into the future planning stuff but then it just comes crashing down on the bad days then I go back to thinking what is the point, she isn't here.... Sometimes I feel even guilty for talking to my nieces (whom are in another country) because it makes me think back to how much she loved her granddaughters and how much she is going to miss as they grow up :( :( 

This is just so hard and I know we are all going through it... I just wish they told me it was going to hurt this much- I would've spent every minute with my mom and learned everything about her :( 

My sister kept some of my mom's voicemail to her. There is no way that I could listen to it. She also took some video footage of her while she was on Hospice. Seeing those would be very painful.

Like you, looking through a photo album is so hard. I see my mom and the other dog that I lost last year, and it kills me to think that both have made their way from my daily life to a photo album that I keep in the drawer.

There is a cruel reality to all of it. I believe that my mom is in heaven, but for me those photo albums are as close as I can get if I want to see her.

Hi Brett, I am here, still struggling with deep depression. I need your and others advice, how do you handle Mother’s Day? This will be the first one since Mom passed on Christmas Day. I am overcome with grief, and dread just thinking about it.

Bluebell, I am so heartbroken to hear of your sister’s husband passing. 

Crystal K, honey, your story of your Mom crying and squeezing your hand when you were telling her your last goodbyes, that just made me sob. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you a very big hug, from Marie D.

I pray for everyone and send thoughts of comfort.

Marie, I am glad to see you post again. Mother's Day is my mom's birthday. Last years Mother's Day was really hard. I don't think it will be as bad this year. Seconds, minutes, and hours pass, and then it's another day. I cry and I think it's good to cry. It's a release. But I also know that all of my crying cannot bring my mom back. I also have noticed that I do not remember my mom more on a special day. I remember her all of the time. I don't know how to tell anyone how to make it through a day like that. A grief counselor would tell you to do something to honor your mom on that day. I'll be honest, I've tried that, and it didn't really make me feel better, but it is helpful for a lot of people. My first Thanksgiving without my mom my grief counselor told me to set a place at the table for my mom. That just about killed me. That was a bad idea (for me anyway). If you should do something to honor your mom, let it be your idea.

Most of all, remember that you are not alone. I'll be here in NC thinking about you, and I'll be missing my mom, too. Let's make it through that day together.     

Marie D, Thank you for your condolences. I am heartbroken every minute of the day about it. A couple of days after it happened, I offered to pick up his ashes and death certificates. It is 2 in the morning right now, so I am doing that today and taking them to my sister. It is horrible to think he has been reduced to just this. Today is going to be a test of my strength and the love and compassion I feel for my sister. 

How well I understand that deep, heart wrenching sadness that feels like I cannot get through another day without breaking into a million pieces. I do not know how I got through Mother's day last year. It was my first too and it is all a big blur. I do not know how I got through the day my Mom gave birth to me on May 5th. I am guessing all I did was use the energy I had at that time into keeping myself alive. That is how far down I was.

I still miss my Mom every day, but the intensity of it has softened. Even though it may be hard for you to believe right now Marie, it will for you too. 

Bluebell

Marie my thoughts and prayers are with you, Brett is right we remember our moms everyday the same way, but for me it makes me feel happy to go to her grave and bring a flower and tell her I love her, but I tell her I love her every day and night.   I had a hard time at first going to the cemmetary because they took so long to engrave the stone with her name, I got a bit nasty with them because they kept pushing me off, but they did not hesitate to take my money, finally I talked to someone who got it done.  My mom and dad were cremated I feel peace knowing I have some of her ashes in a small ceramic heart in a small velvet mirrored box with her picture in it on my nightstand.  I still cry every night when I get in bed and talk to her, I say mom I need you here to help me, its hard not having her to lean on.  

Like Brett said lets all get through that day together and take a moment to thank God for giving us the strength to continue on without our moms....

Bluebell, that is how the whole first year was for me after my mom passed, it was just a blur...

My Mom was cremated and her ashes were laid to rest in the ocean per her wishes. She wanted no services or even a celebration of her life. We honored her wishes, But I wish I had a place at a cemetery where I could go visit her. I think it might make it easier to sell her house...I do not know. I still stay at her home even though I have a condo of my own close by. At least I have some physical sense of her presence when I am surrounded by the things she chose and liked. I have kept the huge hedge in her back yard just the way she liked it. I still hang the kitchen towels in the same place and the same things on the counter. Her room no longer has a bed in it, but the rest of the furniture is unchanged, including the knick·knacks she kept on her dresser. My family is not in a hurry to sell the house, ( I have 3 brothers and 1 sister), and I am grateful. It is too overwhelming for both my sister and I to start the process, and now it is going to be even harder since my sister's recent loss. I travel back and forth to my condo to take care of my 2 kitties every day. They just would not fit in with my Mom's adult cat. My dog is here with me now, but I used to leave him at my condo and go visit, feed and walk him twice a day because I did not him to traumatize Mom's cat by moving him here. I have not let go of my Mom, I know that. It is baby steps for me and it is and has been a long process.

This may be inappropriate, but because life can be short and unpredictable, I am going to say that I love you all and you are all very special people. You have made a very sad time in my life easier just by listening and and sharing your own experiences. It helps so much to know I am not alone in this. God bless you all.

Bluebell 

Bulebell, I don't think it is inappropriate at all to say I love you to this group. I love everyone here. This is a group that understands because we are all experiencing tremendous grief. I am so tired of random people telling me that I need to go through grief counseling. I have done that already and grief counseling is not a magic bullet. We will feel what we feel until we heal.

"Grief counseling is not a magic bullet. We will feel what we feel until we heal." So true Brett. The counselor I see periodically does not push the grief process or closure. He encourages me to talk if I want to and gently gives suggestions, but not rules to follow. It has helped to have developed a trust with someone like this that I feel does not judge me. There must have been divine guidance for me to have chosen him.

Bluebell

Its coming up on Mother's Day, another hurdle to get over.......

Theresa-  seeing all the mother days commercials is making my grieving harder. It keeps reminding me that she is gone. 

And it's safe to say that none of us need a reminder that our moms are gone.

This is my second Mother's Day without my Mom. I do not even want to think about it.

Bluebell

It's my mom's birthday as well.

Sending love to all of you this coming mother’s day♥️ 

All so true, it will be my 3rd mothers day without her, and her Birthday will be right after in June and that was her name JUNE!, long story.

She would have been 95.

Sad as this is you know whats upsetting to me besides she is not here, having to go get a card for my mother in law!!! I cry standing there reading them.  This year I will go up that isle and just pick one and pay for it no reading it.  Thats one way to handle that.  

I am not a card person, because they are expensive, but I do have the Birthday cards my mom gave me.

Its going to be a busy week at work, so I will be thinking of everyone.

I hoping this week goes by fast. My fiance is coming to visit next week. Luckly he will be here during mother day

Thank you Maria. I am wishing you comfort too. You are going through a lot and I admire your strength. What a beautiful picture.

Bluebell

Maria, your mom couldn't be in better hands.

Jessica, it's wonderful that you have your fiance. It's so important to have somebody to love. And such a blessing.

I am in so much emotional pain tonight that I can hardly stand it. I just want it to stop. The death of my sister's husband has opened up the wound of my Mother's loss again. I do not understand why, but it has. I want to be stronger and be brave, but I do not have the energy. Is there anyone out there that understands what I am going through? I feel so alone and so very sad. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. My heart is broken. My grief is so deep. I do not want to go through this again, but here I am. I have no choice. Please someone acknowledge me. I am laying myself out here as I am and am taking a chance of being hurt. But I can not keep this inside because it is eating me up. I do not even care what you say. I just can not stand being by myself with these feelings. My main support person , which was my sister, has been ripped away. We would grieve together about the loss of out Mother. How can I possibly go to her because of what she is going through now. My therapist is having surgery in two weeks and I am afraid I am going to loose him too. It involves going up near his brain and there are risks of stoke. He is not only my therapist, he is a friend and I care for him deeply. It is all too much and I am coping poorly. Feeling deeply about people you love is a blessing and a curse at the same time. It takes it toll. I just feel so crushed and I do not know what to do to help myself feel better so that I can be of service to others. It is interfering with my job as a nurse that supports others as they slowly loose their loved ones to incurable diseases. As Marie said  earlier, I am in survival mode and just hanging on by a thread, praying to God that it will get better. Yes I believe in God , but he feels so far away from me.

Bluebell

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But I will and the nightmare will go on.

Bluebell

Bluebell, first off God is right next to you and just right now at this time your cross is heavy but he is there with you at every breathing minute. My faith is the only thing that has gotten me through my tremendous loss.  Your sister will always be there for you, but right now she is grieving twice.  

I have no one, my husband looks at it like oh that was a long time ago, my brother being 70 looks at moms death completely different, also he never saw her being he lived so far away.

I was there talking to her every day and morning and night to make sure she was ok, going to her house every chance I got.  Saying it again she was all I had.

I cry alone, on my way home from work when I am alone, at night.

Please believe me you are not alone we are right there with you.  

I think that God just showed me he is with me and he also cares about all living creatures. I rescued a baby possum recently and kept him for a couple of days, then let it go in Mom's hedge when it was stronger. I just saw it. It was good to know it is alive and well. Mom and I also helped a baby possum survive when she was alive. She, like me, loved wildlife of all kinds, even creepy looking ones like possums. 

Bluebell

Bluebell

I think it may sound strange to many that seeing the baby possum helped. But it did. In times like these when the sadness is intense, I am grateful when something small happens and I feel Mom's presence. To me, that truly is a gift from God.

Bluebell 

I haven't posted on this site in a while, but since May 17, 2018 will be one year since my dear mom went home to be with the Lord, I thought I'd post a note to say how much I still miss and love her. Those words don't adequately describe just how much. All of the memories leading up to her death last year are coming back full force. God has helped me survive the last 12 mos. without her and endure her absence during the holidays, and what would have been her 80th birthday in March, now I have to endure the first Mother's Day without her.  If I knew last Mother's day, that I would only have three days left remaining with her, I would have lost it.

I'm sure I'll survive this Mother's Day, but not without tears.

Joy. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Also, it is good to hear from you

Bluebell

hi everyone I havent seen you all in a long time....I am missing my mom, its been about 8 years since she passed away, and with Mother's day on the horizon, its hard, its not getting any easier, I try and not think of her some days cause its too painful, I hope someday my heart will not hurt as bad....maybe that day will never come....I dont think it will....I know she wants me to be ok and happy, but I miss her desperately.....I wish she was still here with me, she lives in my heart though

Thanks Bluebell. My thoughts and prayers are with you too. My condolences to you and your sister on the recent loss of her husband/your brother-in-law.  

It’s coming up to almost 6 months since losing mum and I’ve reallt begun to struggle. So many people told me it gets easier with time but I feel like it’s geyyinf harder... I bottled all my emotions up when caring for her when she was sick and I wish now I told her how I felt and that I was heartbroken... I feel so broken all the time 

It has been a year Feb 14th since losing my Mom. I too am struggling , and it has been exacerbated by the recent sudden loss of my dear sister's husband. I have little energy and just kind of make through the day the best I can.

I am sorry for your loss Taylah and fully understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

Bluebell

Beautiful picture Maria!

I hope that everyone made it through the day okay. It's been a while since anyone has posted. I feel very much like Bluebell. We are all here to lift each other up. Maybe those aren't the right words. We are all going through something horrible together, and it is good to know that we are not alone. What's frustrating though is that we can post about how bad we feel until the cows come home, but that does not make us miss our moms any less. Sometimes I just wish that I could raise a white flag and say, "I've had enough." I could raise that flag but on one would acknowledge it. I would still have to go on living. It's almost impossible to drop out of life. Life comes for you regardless. We all have to go on. It would sure be nice to find some peace along the way.

One thing that has been most hurtful for me is that the longer I am removed from my mom's death the more people become tired of hearing about it. Even if I don't talk about it, they can still see it. That makes me want to withdraw from people, even my closest friends.

I feel like the one thing that would make me feel better is  the one thing that I cannot have. To be with my mom again.

Hi Brett, yes made it through the day, but I struggled, especially when I went to the cemetery, knowing she is not there just a stone.

I have changed so much, I just feel so much hate, and anger, a few of my friends texted me yesterday and said I know this is a difficult day for you, I answered one friend everyday is difficult I have just learned to live with it. 

Well I think about everyone often and I am glad you posted.

I believe that one of the reasons why people don't post as much is because we feel like we are not getting better. We are treading water.

Theresa, you are right. Yesterday gave me even more reason to think about my mom but it's not like I don't think about her as much as other days. The way I feel is constant.

I feel guilty about the way I pray, too. There's a lot more, "Where are you? Why won't you help?" in my prayers. My belief in God is the one thing that I most rely on. I visit a shrine of the Blessed Mother as much as I can. I say things like, "Please don't just be a statue for me. Please help." This causes me tremendous guilt.

I realize that it's no one's fault. I just miss my mom too much.

Brett

In my opinion, you do not miss your Mom too much. Grief has a timeline of its own. I also want to say that our parents did their best to prepare us to be independent adults, but they did not teach us how to prepare for their death. That we have to figure out on our own and it is not easy.

Bluebell

Hello Everyone

It's been a while since I posted I have been reading its just been a tough go a bit. I hope everyone did okay yesterday it's tough on us all know matter the time. Yes Brett I do feel like I'm treading water most day just trying to get through it. My mom birthday was 2 weeks ago and then mine then Mother's day I just had to get through and smile some way and know she would want it that way. the hardest part was my step dad has moved on and moved in with someone and put the house up for sale without telling anyone all in these two weeks so  someday I try to escape reality because I still have a hard time without her. I have taken advice from those in the group and reached out for help because I don't see my self getting a handle on things only worse some days so thank you. You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers thanks for listening.

Sherri

Please tell me how to escape reality. I hate that the harshness of it keeps slapping me in the face.

Bluebell