trying to have good memories but only the memories of the last say remain in my mind only someone who has lost someone to cancer can appreciate this it is difficult to watch and to  know there is nothing you can do   the reality of this is that they can send  a man to the moon but if he returns and gets cancer he eventually has to  die hard to believe

Michael T,  I wanted to respond but yesterday got away from me.  Rough one.  

In particular I wanted to let you know that the tears for me just keep coming. They are different than they were in the beginning and during the years the crying has changed.  I think it is hard to fathom that at two and half years you would still be a zombie but I can relate because I felt the same way.  It was like I kept questioning myself.......how can I still be like this?   Constantly grieving, crying, staying away from people, erratic sleep and eating schedule, sometimes ravenous and sometimes have no inclination to eat.  I have never been so "messed" up in my entire life.  

Nothing is normal still.  I have no routine and although that was never my strong suit, my husband kept me focused more often than not, I was never so uncaring as I am now.  I could give a shit.   About anything.  And yet for the few things that I do sort of care about (my sister, my deceased cat, my deceased youngest brother, a good friend) if I run into anything where I think I might lose them I go bonkers.  I also feel the same sometimes if if I hear of a strangers loss.  I am not good with loss anymore , at all.

This grief is the wackiest, hardest, most unpredictable roller coaster of emotions that I have ever encountered.  I still have yet to go beyond two days in a row without "something"  finding its way into my head and boom........down I go.  

And the silence.  the having to accept that this quiet, this aloneness is forever as long as I live?  I don't know.  I just don't know anymore.  I think before just recently I kept waiting for a break.  Thinking that certainly this cannot persist.  I was wrong.  For me, I still have days where I drown.  I want his arms around me.  I just want that feeling once more.  And in my head I know it is not going to happen.  Horrendous.

And diabolical?  Yes, the most twisted, polarizing, incomprehensible reactions to feeling him being gone.  It's like it has now taken up residence as an absence of a proportion that I cannot even try to measure and wrap my head around.  A huge boulder that I drag around with me.  He's in my head but nowhere to touch.  Horrible, absolutely horrible.

And one last thing, I used to be nauseous on a daily basis.  Never could tie it directly to anything specific but i battled it quite a bit.  It has eased up in frequency but I still get it enough as a reminder.   Don’t know if it was related to food or stress or whatever but yes  I had it too and still do just not as often.  Another of the stresses to deal with........:(

I lost my daughter to cancer almost 2 months ago. I felt if I let myself go and laughed I would be forgetting about the memory of my  daughter,but recently I began to laugh at jokes but then I would pull back and remember my daughter and what happened and the tears would come  again. This has been going on and on. This feeling drives me crazy,but maybe it will be easier to handle with time or maybe this is something we have to live with.