Brett- thats true .

I was proud of myself today .I am being honest about the way i truly feel i inside when people ask me. This is making it easier to go to work .

Jessica, I'm not exactly an expert because I have not healed as well as I would have liked, but I do know that it's best to be honest about your feelings. 

I have been reading two very good grief books that are helping me understand what i am feeling. It makes me feel normal. 

Jessica, you are certainly normal. Good golly... there have been times since my mom died when I have felt like an emotional wreck. That's because I was/am an emotional wreck. People will say, "You're mom wouldn't want you to feel this way." Of course she wouldn't, but that doesn't stop me from feeling the way that I do. Sometimes we say things like, "I feel like I died when my mom died", but we didn't die. Dead people don't feel pain. We are very much alive. We are mourning the loss of the person who loved us in a way that only a mother could love.

We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, look for happiness where we can find it, and hopefully always be empathetic of others.

I believe that this is the meaning of life: Love with all of your heart, always try to help others, and try not to hurt anyone. Brighten the corner where you are.

Wish I could say I am feeling better, but I am not. My sister is having a hard time too. I get mad at myself because I think I should not still feel so much grief again. I guess it is not as bad as when Mom first passed away in Feb of last year, but it is still overwhelming. I just do not know what to do or what I want. I feel so lost again.

Bluebell

 I think it is good that you have your sister to experience this with you. You know you're not alone. What you do is simple from an outsider's perspective. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Count the blessings that you have. Build on them as best you can. And know that this is not forever, though it may feel like it. You will see your mom again.

Thank you Brett. I am going to make a copy of what you said and put it on my bedside table to remind me.

Hugs,

Bluebell

My mom passed Aug. 6, 2017, after a short hospital stay due to a punctured esophagus. I don't think I'll ever stop grieving her. We talked everyday and were so close. I miss her calls, when she'd say "just me" when I answered them. She didn't have an easy life, so I did what I could to bring her joy. We had a lot of fun being together, now all I have is memories. I get so sad and still break down when I think of her. If I'd only known I'd lose her like I did, I would've hugged her and never let go.

CJ, I knew my mom was dying but I still feel the same way. We never want to let go. I think the best word I can use to describe losing our mom is, shocking. I still can't wrap my fingers around it. I still can't believe it.

I am so sorry for your loss. God Bless you.

Sorry for your loss CJ

i didn’t know my mom was going to die, she was not sick, I spoke to her twenty minutes before she went in cardiac arrest and died.  She sounded just like she always did.   Imagine your last words to your mom being OK mom I’ll be there I’ll meet you at the hospital where she was going because she didn’t feel good that morning .   I never got to speak to my mom again to tell her I love her .

 I still cry when I sit down at night and I start to think I go over everything in my head and now I realize two years later no matter what I would’ve done the outcome would’ve been the same I have to come to the realization that was just my mom’s time I don’t want to but I have to I miss her so much my heart still aches every day, she  was my world I ask every night I say mom please come to see me mom please let me know that you know I’m here 

Theresa, if I know how much you love your mom, you can be certain that she knows 100 times more.

I know what you mean by wanting just something, one thing that will let me know for sure that my mom still knows I'm here, and that she still loves me. I'll keep hoping and praying.

When does everything stop reminding you of them? Every place I go, everything I do somehow related back to my mom. My ride to work as I pass her doctor’s clinic, passing the street of our old home to my new apartment, the supermarket where I always took her every weekend... I guess it makes sense that alot of things would remind me of her because she was a big part of my everyday life. But its getting harder to do anything because the more I’m reminded of her, the sadder I get, and then the uncontrollable tears start coming. Its been eight months.. I thought that the pain would get better... but I feel like I’m doing much worse now than I was 3 or 4 months ago... how does one get through this... 

Thank you so much Brett, just something.....please

Crystal, eight months...is still raw, for me, year one I was in a fog and don't remember it, year two reality set in and it was bad for me, I am now on my third year, and I am still sad, I went from talking to my mom every morning, everyday on my way to and from work, and at night when she would say Love you before hanging up, to never ever hearing her again, it was like someone shut the lights off forever.  In the first year I could not get out of the "fog", I got depressed, I cried all the time because she was all I had.

Some people understood and some did not.

I am trying to find the inner strength to live my new life, its not easy.

So much reminds me of her everyday.

It is just so hard. I am tired of grieving and not feeling good.

Bluebell

Bluebell it is mentally and physically draining.   I sometimes say is this the rest my life because I know I’m never forget my mom     do we just learn to deal with it, do we get used to it or do we learn to accept it because we have no other choice....

We have no other choice. That is the cold reality to all of this.

Crystal, a few months ago I had a doctors appointment. I had never been to this doctor before and I was having trouble finding her office in a big medical complex. I decided to just stop and ask. I went into the first doctor's office I saw. I had forgotten that I had been there before, many times. It was the office of the doctor who was my mom's Intensivist in ICU on so many occasions. He had saved her life before. He was also the man who told me that my mom was dying. As soon as I went through those doors It all came back. He was also my mom's Pulmonologist. The last time mom and I were in his office for a regular appointment, my mom seemed fine. She seemed okay to me that day. While we were sitting in the waiting room my mom said, "What happened to Michael J. Fox?" I told her that he had Parkinson's disease. Mom said, "No. He was in the car with us, talking on his phone." My heart sank so low. I had never heard her say anything like that. My mom had advanced COPD. When we did see the doctor, I told him that mom thought Michael J. Fox was in the car with us, she insisted that he was and that he had walked into the building with us. The doctor didn't even flinch. He told her that her Co2 was elevated. My mom asked him when she would get better. He said, "You won't, Martha." 

All of that came flooding back just from walking in a room. I don't know if it does get better. The memories can be triggered by anything. We just have to try to cope as best we can, remembering how lucky we were to have them. My mom and I could laugh later about her thinking that Michael J. Fox was in the car with us. It was rare that she would get to that point and she usually was the mom I knew again real soon. But I knew that day that I was trying to hold back a tidal wave.

All I can tell you is to feel what you feel. Go where you go. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just know how blessed you were to have such a wonderful mom. To be loved so much. And to have been able to love so much in return.

I don't know about the rest of you but I can sometimes fixate on death now. My own. Dying scares the crap out of me. For one thing I am afraid that it will hurt. Two: I think about the realization of knowing that you are about to die. There was a look on my mom's face the day she died. Sometimes she looked scared and confused. She knew.

But I also daydream about the day it comes. I can just imagine seeing my mom again. Sometimes it gives me a sense of peace to know that we won't hurt forever. I asked my mom if she would come for me the day I die. She said, "I will if they let me." I can just imagine meeting Jesus and hearing him say, "Now, go be with your mom." What a reunion that would be. To never have to say goodbye again. To never have to worry about her becoming sick again. It's a sweet dream.

I know what you mean Brett. I have the same thoughts. But at the same time, I wonder if seeing Mom would bring me peace. She was not the most cuddly, warm person and I do not remember her hugging and loving me when I was a child or even as an adult. Sometimes I did tell her I loved her and she said it back, but it felt uncomfortable because those words were not used in our house when I was growing up. So because there are doubts in my mind that she really loved me and wanted to take care of me, will I get the peace and welcome that I so desperately want when I see her again? Or will the doubts still be there? I hope not. 

Despite the  warmth my Mom was unable to display, she tried her best  I always knew she would be there. Now she is not and I miss her. She was my reason for trying to make a success out of my life. She was my reason to try and be a good person. I never wanted to disappoint her and make her unhappy, so I kept trying to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I am on my own and I feel lost.

These may just be words of a depressed person who is having a hard time right now finding meaning and happiness in her life. I have heard the words "Happiness is a choice" If that statement is true, then I am a failure at it.

Bluebell

Brett, I am not afraid to die, its how I'm going to die that scares me.

My moms face was so peaceful looking, just like she saw what she wanted to, my husband even commented, he said look at your moms face, it was almost glowing, but by the time my brother got to the funeral palor, she looked like she was sleeping peacefully, because he lives so far he did not get to see her like I did.  I will never forget that.

All I want to say is that for some unknown reason, I am feeling less depressed. I am grateful.

Bluebell

Theresa, you said it very well. I am afraid of how. I am also afraid of what comes after. It's easier for me to tell you that you are going to heaven than it is to believe it about myself. I have a lot of guilt. Death, and what comes after is something that we cannot control. I have no doubt that my mom is in heaven. I have a perception about God. I believe that he is so loving and forgiving that there is a place for each of us. But that is my faith. I don't know for certain what happens after. I hope and I pray. I try to be a good person. I hope that I am succeeding.

Bluebell, I use to tell people that happiness was a choice, but try telling that to someone who is suffering from clinical depression. For many people, being happy is just not as easy as making a decision. I don't want to fool myself into being happy. I want to truly be happy. It's hard for me now. I'm just scared. I am scared of the future. I walked through life with my mom by my side. Now she's gone. I just don't know if I can succeed on my own.

I hear you Brett. I am scared too. My Mom was my anchor.

Bluebell

I often think of death as well. I look forward to the day I am rrunited with my mom. But then I think, am I so sure that we will be reunited? My faith in God was never strong- another thing that disappointed my mom. So what I die and thats it. What if all the stuff everyone has been saying about my mom “being in a better place” isn’t true. My mom was very religious- and even at the end she didnt lose her faith. So I hope that she is in the afterlife somewhere enjoying a conversation with her mom. Cause it kills me to even consider the other possibility. I dream about her often. But I can tell they are just dreams- and not visits. But everynight I pray to whoever is listening to please let me see, hear or feel her. Because knowing that she is alive in some other way would make this more bearable. 

The first few months after her death, i became obsessed with the afterlife. Mediumship specifically. I started researching how I can develop my own skills and contact the spiriworld. Have not started yet. Although I’ve found some good starting info. Anyone else went through this? Apparently meditation is key. Hopefully one day I’ll actually go through with this. Because right now guess I’m too scared to try and see that none of this exists. 

Crystal I have though about going to a psychic but then after speaking with my brother I changed my mind, my brother kept saying you don't want to go there he called it the "dark side", I have not gotten to have him explain it, but I'm going to call him this week and ask what did you mean?

I practice Hatha yoga and it took me ten years to block out everything around me and be in the moment, after my mom passed yoga and meditation helped me a great deal.

I had to stop practicing because I tore a muscle in my foot wearing high heels at work!!! Go figure, but I can't wait to get back, it eases my mind and gives me a peaceful feeling.

Off subject; even though I loved the way high heels looked, I hated wearing them. I always felt like all my weight was on the balls of my feet...ouch! I have not had on a pair in years.

Bluebell

My mother passed away 6 months ago at the age of 56. It took 5 months for us to get her autopsy results back. I just feel lost. 

Hannah I’m so sorry for your loss       You found a great group of people here and for the time that I’ve been on here it has helped me so much.  

Hannah,

I am so sorry for your loss. This can be a time of conflicting feelings. We are here for you. Sharing your feelings with those who have been or are going through something similar does help you not feel not so alone. It has also been my experience that the people on this thread are not here to judge or claim to know all the answers. We share our bad days and good days. We share our pain and mutual loss of our Mothers. Your Mom was so young. If you want to share what happened to her, it is okay. If it is too painful yet, that is okay too.

It was a year ago Feb 14th I lost my Mom. Sometimes I am okay with it and know she is not in any pain anymore. But there are many others times that I just want it back to the way things were when she was here. And when the raw reality hits that it will never be the same, I crumble.

Bluebell

My mother battled with depression for most of her life and for the last 10+ years of her life she battled with prescription medication abuse. She was take her prescribed medication incorrectly and whenever she felt like it. It got so bad that my dad took control of her medication. She passed away September 8 2017 of an accidental oxycodone overdose. We aren’t sure where she got the oxycodone from because my dad still had control of her medication at that point and none of her medicine had oxycodone in it. 

I never imagined that at 27, I would have to plan my mother’s funeral with my dad and brother. March 1 would have been my parents 38th wedding anniversary. 

I am so sorry. What you are going through must be horrible. My heart goes out to you. 

Bluebell

Hannah-  I am so sorry for your loss . I to lost my mom young , I am only 29 and my mom was 52 . Its not easy losing your mom in your 20s. 

There is never a good time or age to lose you mom, though I am sure glad that I got to have mine until she was 81. I still get jealous when I meet someone who is older than my mom was and still has good health. I am happy for them and their children, but I sure wish that I could have held on to my mom until I had one foot in the grave myself.

There is a line from Winnie the Pooh that I remember well. "If you should live 100 years, I would like to live 100 years minus one day so that I would never have to be without you." At least I think that's how it goes. Anyway, I just never wanted to say goodbye.

 I also want to say that I never want to mess with anyone's faith. My issues are my own. When my mom died I wanted so much to fill that void. I don't have a wife or kids so I couldn't turn to immediate family. I wanted to fill that void with God. I was so sad that people would tell me, "God closer to you right now than he ever has been." Sometimes I could feel that and sometimes I couldn't. Here's the thing... I don't think that God's fault. He may be all around me offering support and I just can't feel it. I won't stop trying though. As long as I am living I will hope that I can become closer to God. I want to be with my mom in heaven one day. It's just my nature now to think of worst case scenarios. Being in heaven with my mom seems like winning the lottery. It seems like something that is only possible for someone else. I keep thinking of so many ways that I could have been a better son. Maybe God forgives me but I have to learn how to forgive myself. I have always though of God as the ultimate in love and forgiveness. I think when we grieve it's almost like we are bound and determined to not let ourselves be happy, and we hold on to guilt like grim death. I can visualize an Old Testament God who is very angry at me. I can also visualize a forgiving God that wants me to be by my mom's side for eternity. My minister says that not forgiving yourself is as bas as not forgiving someone else. I think there is some real truth to that.

Hannah, I am so sorry for your loss. One thing I have noticed is that none of us believe that our mother's were perfect. It doesn't really matter. We love them with all of their imperfections just like they loved us despite all of our imperfections. And it was a great big love.

Thank you Brett. Something you said helped me understand my relationship with my Mom.

Bluebell

Brett, you are right I wouldn't want to mess with anyones faith either.  I love God and I lean on my faith everyday to get me though my issues.

Thats a great line from Winnie the Pooh, how true!

I went to a GriefShare support group last night. It was helpful. I listened to one of the last voicemails my mother left me. I am in tears and just want her back. I feel guilty because there is no much unsettled in my life right now and I am so bereft. I have a bit of PTSD, reliving her last days in the hospital. I just wish I hadn't gone home early on the last day she was able to talk. I kind of knew my mom's time on earth was coming to an end. I'm praying to the Lord to bring me comfort. Some mornings I see beautiful little birds perched along my path when I walk my dog and they remain close and beautiful. I say "Hi Mom" when they seem to be looking at me. After her services, I had a visitation where I knew she was talking to me. I was in a twilight sleep. I woke up, telling her "I'm still with you". I was saying it aloud to her as I awoke. I wonder if she was saying it to me and I echoed it? I believe it was a visitation. I had another dream in the month to follow where both my parents were together and calling me by name. I don't know what it was they wanted to tell me. I am a practicing Catholic and my parents and I used to pray the Rosary with each other. Then after my father died I would say it with my mother. These last two years we would say it on the phone together. I'm trying to stay in my church in the music ministry because I know that made my mother very happy and it is a way I feel that I can honor her. 

I was tempted to contact a medium, just desperate for closure, but my mother was very against involvement in the occult and so I resist the temptation. This is not to judge anyone who does this. I completely understand the desire. 

So much of the time I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been unemployed and had been struggling with addiction at the time of her death. I am so bereft that I did not get to make an amends to her for the pain and anxiety I had caused her.

I spoke to the priest that said my mother's funeral mass and he told me that I am forgiven, and that my mother can see me clearly now. It brought me comfort. 

I don't know at what point my mom actually passed....she was in and out of critical condition her last week in the hospital...but all throughout the week she had had Anointing of the Sick and she also had Extreme Unction right before she finally passed - in body if not in spirit - which brought me comfort. 

Maria, I am so sorry for your loss. So many of the things you said sound so familiar to me. PTSD? Yes. I have never had anything close to a visitation. I have always wished that I would have one.

Theresa mentioned this earlier. This is all just personal opinion on my part. I would never use a medium to contact my mother. I mean, how do you know what you are getting is actually your mother? It scares me. I just think it's opening up a door that you may not be able to close. I do speak to my mom out loud sometimes. I have no idea if she can hear me. Mostly I just ask God each night to tell her that I love her. I feel like if anyone can relay that message, it's God.

Brett me too everynight  I tell her I love her and I ask God to please let her come to me.

It was odd the other night I had a dream of my dad I told him sit in the chair and wait for me while I go look for mom, I never found her ....

The mind works in mysterious ways

Maria sorry for you loss, how long has it been?

Thank you Brett and Theresa. It's been a little over two months.

Maria that is so wonderful that she received the anointing of the sick my mom went to church every morning and I know she did not receive communion the morning of her death because it was so sudden we didn’t expect it. I remember when my father passed away one thing my mom said was the priest came around this morning and gave communion and your father had communion I know my mother would’ve wanted that but we didn’t know my mother was going to go in cardiac arrest five minutes after she went she arrived at he hospital.   I cry as I write  this because this is something I have to live with the rest of my life and  no one understands. I arrived at the hospital right after she went in cardiac arrest and they couldn’t revive her I also have to live with that the rest of my life in my mind seeing what I saw my mom in the bed her clothes in a pile on the chair next to her      them  doing CPR to a lifeless body She looked like a Raggedy Ann doll

I'm so sorry Theresa and I understand your pain. I too have been scarred by seeing my mother in pain and her body bruised and battered. Let us pray for each other...please God may you bring all of us here comfort in our sorrow and the strength and the will to go on, amen.

You have never described it so clearly before Theresa. I am so sorry you had to see that. 

Bluebell

Maria. I am so sorry for your loss. 

Bluebell 

Thank you Bluebell & I'm sorry for yours as well.

Thank you Bluebell and Maria.  I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record

its just that  nobody cares nobody wants to hear it

it has changed me I feel like nothing matters and I don’t care what I say to people I don’t care from hurtful or not

sometimes when I get in bed at night and I’m watching TV I sit here and I think my goodness it’s been so long since I heard my mom’s voice since I’ve seen her it just feels so far away

I have saved voice messages from 2013 on my phone from my mom I cannot bring myself to listen to them I’m afraid I’ll break down 

I know God is carrying me through this.  I volunteer on Fridays before work  for one hour at the chapel at my church I am Catholic and we do adoration it’s a beautiful hour I talk to God I talk to the Blessed mother I talk to my mom

Theresa, I have never heard you describe your mother's death quite so clearly either. That's a horrible visual image to carry with you. You have heard me say things like this before... there is a saying, "No one gets out of here alive." In this case it means that we cannot love like we do and not come away from this without great scars. I tried to arrange my mom's passing to perfection. I was at her bedside. I said all the things that I thought that she would want to hear. But there was still that moment when she passed. One word hit me like a sledge hammer. That word was, "Dead." My mom was dead. The finality of that word is dreadful. 

I am such a fan of adoration. It is uniquely Catholic because only Catholics believe that the sacrament is the actual flesh of Jesus Christ. There have been so many miracles, including one that was documented by the present Pope, that involve the sacrament. I believe that if you want to be close to your mom, sitting in adoration is a great place to do so. We call it communion because it is the communion of saints. To me that means wherever Christ is he is joined by the communion of saints, all who have passed and are in the presence of God. I believe that adoration is a miracle that occurs 24 hours a day.

I always talk about being closer to God. Adoration offers that opportunity figuratively and literally.

I am Methodist but I have great devotion to The Blessed Mother. There has to be a reason for that.