Good morning all! I wrapped a  Christmas gift for my dad last night that my mom had bought him before she passed away. That was so incredibly difficult.  But... upon thinking about wrapping up ALL of those beautiful memories,  I know that I need to be strong for my dad.  My mom left us wonderful memories and for that I am grateful.  Praying for ALL of you during this season. 

The stress, grief, depression is making it truly difficult to get through the Christmas season.  I just want it to be over.   Between tears and the then the urge to throat punch people that are annoying and just plain stupid and rude.  No, I haven’t really hit any one, so no need to start a go fund me page for bail money.  Seriously, this is so difficult, a friend from work, asked me today, how I was doing, of course my eyes welled up with tears, and she replied that the first Christmas is the hardest. She lost her husband in 2012 and he was only 42, they were high school sweethearts and their daughter had just graduated high school.  With all of that, she is recently engaged and she is happy again.  

I just feel lost and while I have a husband, kids, grandchildren, pets and a job, I feel alone and so depressed. I really am trying to find my happiness.  While my friend has found happiness and a new love, I know that I will never have my mother back or truly feel like I am loved. 

I’m so sorry Tina. My co worker just lost her husband in August she is slowly moving forward and my step father has now found someone new I’m happy for them but just feel stuck and alone also. Today I had to go to a funeral home as my husband long time family friend  passed away this is the first one since my mom it was in the same place and it was  tough I could not bringmy self to go up as all I could see was my mom again. I just told my self he deserved me doing this but he understands how hard this is for me also. 

Today i I also brought my moms ashes to my house since my step dad is going away for Christmas with his new friend I felt my mom shouldn’t be alone and he told me she could stay with me now. I find it tough that he’s moved on but I know everyone grieves in their own way plus she always going to be my mom so as I sit here looking at her I find it even tougher knowing she’s not coming Sunday nor is he and life will never be the same again. 

I am having a really rough day. Lots of tears and a desire to lash out at people. I don't like myself too much right now. Grief is bringing out the worst in me today and I am ashamed of my angry thoughts. I pray that as the day goes on, I will be granted more peace and acceptance. It would have to be a gift from God as I do not have much strength to pull me out of the bad place I am in.

Bluebell

Bluebell you know what I do I have a picture of my mom I have a small candle that I lite each night since the day my mom died just gives me a sense of peace try it....

Bluebell, I can certainly understand how you feel, as I’m right there with you. I just pray that 2018 will be kinder to all of us.  

Brett you are in my thoughts and prayers today

Thank you, Theresa

Good morning all, just wanted to say that I was thinking of this group yesterday, hoping everyone was ok. It was rough for sure but we did it - hugs to all, Luisa

We made it. It is wonderful how we support each other. I want to thank everyone and God bless you all. You are always in my prayers.

Bluebell

Yep we made it

I am feeling very sad. We had Mom's hedge and tree trimmed today. The last time it was done was the day after she died. I am flooded with not so pleasant memories. 

Bluebell

Bluebell, I know its hard, very hard, so much reminds me of my mom. I just can't believe that is has been two years, I keep thinking of the last words I got to say to my mom, I go over and over them.
We have not heard from Brett since Sunday, I hope you are ok Brett, thinking about you.

Hi everyone, just checking to see if Bret has posted, I am concerned.

Hi Theresa

I would like to hear from him too.

Bluebell

How are you doing Bluebell ?

Thank you both. I am okay. I just really miss my mom.

I do too Brett

I have not logged in because I didn't have the nerve.

I has not been easy. My mother has been gone since 1984. Now, my only son has gone in 2012.

This website didn't exist then or I didn't know.  I found this beautiful site when my son left us.

I really miss my Mom too. My life has changed and there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could go back to January 2017. Sometimes I just feel I am being selfish. She was 98 years old, had arthritis, kidney and heart disease. She hated that she could not see out of one eye and had to wear hearing aides. She wanted to be free of having to use a rolling walker to get around and out of the pain she had in her leg and neck. Her mind was sharp, but she had lost the ability to balance her check book. She had always prided herself in having it correct to the last penny. And if it was not, she went back and worked on it until she found the little mistake she had made. 

I should be grateful that she no longer is unhappy. But I want her back in my life and it is just tearing me apart inside today that she is not.

Bern,

This is a wonderful site. It is the one place I can be open about how I am feeling and how much I miss my Mom. 

Bluebell

Hi I'm new to this site my name is Kelli and I lost my mom on 10/14/17 @ 9:30 am I really don't know what to expect from being here it's just that I feel as if no one around me gets what I'm going through my life has changed completely I don't know how to carry on my momma was my world I miss her so much and every one keeps telling me I have to move on and to be honest I'd love nothing more than to punch them in the face when they say that to me how can I just move on she is my mother!!!! Please some one tell me if how I'm feeling is normal do these people just not understand because they are not going through it or have I just went off the deep end???

Bern you found a wonderful group of people
God Bless.

Kelli, no I felt the same way, even though it has been two years for me I get very aggravated at people when they don't understand and that is most people around me.
Listen I walked around in a fog for one year, the second year was not much better for me, my mom died on 12/19/15 she was active and very independent, she went to the hospital because she thought she was constipated, dr told her to go, I left to meet her right away and pulling in the hospital I got a call from someone at the hospital that my mom was in full cardiac arrest, they performed cpr but it did not work, I did not get to say goodbye or I love you to my mom, it was sudden and unexpected.
I live with that every day
I have actually cut some friends off because they brushed it off.
They don't understand their moms are still here or they did not have as great of a relationship as I did with my mom.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and tell her I love her and miss her.
Kelli was your mom ill?

Oh yes she was but she was a warrior she had been on kidney dialysis since I was 6 they told her she had 5 days to live then but she she told them she had 3 babies to raise and that she had no plans on dying but something happened this year she went from being a vital 54 year old woman on home hemodialysis to this sick lethargic woman I didn't know we went numerous hospitals we even traveled up to 250 miles away just to try to get her the best care possible I begged them to find out what was wrong with her I knew something was not right they kept admitting her but they would let her go and I got to where she couldn't move she couldn't lay in her own bed she cried out in pain Non-Stop they told me the last time that she went into the hospital that they found an abnormality on her spine but they assured me it wasn't cancerous I knew something was wrong but because she was so sick they couldn't get her into the MRIs in the testing she needed before I knew it it's like my mother was no longer in her body she didn't eat she didn't really talk to anybody she wasn't even coherent again my family and I rushed to the hospital for them to tell us there was nothing they could do that they couldn't treat her they didn't know what was wrong with her I had to transfer to another hospital from there by ambulance where they admitted her because her blood oxygen saturation level was so low before I even had a chance to breathe they were rushing her to ICU where they put her on a ventilator it was the most horrific thing I've ever seen she didn't even look like my mother after that from there I didn't even have 10 minutes to talk to her she went into full cardiac arrest they worked on her for 23 minutes before they called it what she was gone I just don't understand what happened but after doing some research and knowing my mom and let her symptoms were I took care of her day in and day out I even did her home dialysis for her I truly believe that it was undiagnosed bone cancer she had every single symptom of it I feel so bad that she was in so much pain and I was just mad at her for feeling like she was giving up

Kelli so sorry, but you know she is now happy and no longer in pain and I'm sure she wants you to be happy too.
My mom was not ill on a Thursday complained of her stomach on Friday went to the dr he did an xray told her to take laxative, on Saturday she called me and said Im going to the hospital this is really bothering me, forty minutes later she died. Just like that. My brother who is 17 years older than me and lives far away opted not to do an autopsy, mom was 92, but not I stress with what was it??, her dr states her blood pressure caused her to go in CA.

I'm so sorry u know I have been in individual care provider all my life and I thought I had a lot of compassion for When people's loved ones passed but this experience has truly humbled me because it doesn't matter how sick your loved one miles or if they weren't sick it off or how old they were or how young they were the fact of the matter is is you're never prepared for it and it hurts so much that unless you have experienced that kind of loss and void in your life you have no clue where they are coming from

Kelli so true, so true

Kelli

I am so sorry for your loss.

Bluebell

Thank u @ THERESA & BLUEBELL

Hi everyone. Havent been on in awhile. Visited my mom’s grave over christmas. She’s buried in a different country alongside her mom. Being back home is like losing her all over again. Trying to get back in the routine, being reminded of her by everything, everywhere I go. Six months this month since I lost her. But the pain still so overwhelming. I just wish my grandma was alive cause she was the closest person to me, next to my mom. Now I feel like I have noone. Feel like a 12 year old kid again. Miss how my mom always checked up on me, called to ask if i had any dinner, and calling on sundays asking me to go to church with her. Noone calls me anywhere other than the usual checkins. God, I feel so alone. Never realized that my mom was the only person that truly cared about me until she was gone :(  Now Im alone. 

You are in my prayers Crystal. You are not alone in how you feel.

Big warm hug

Bluebell

Hello Everyone I've been reading everyone post and thinking very much about all of us during these times and praying for everyone glad to see you guys made it through in your own way. I know our Mom would have wanted it. I also know how tough it was I understand that. I just wanted everyone to know I was thinking of you   

Sherri

Thank you bluebell and Sherri. Hugs to everyone :( 

Thx Sherri
Crystal you are not alone, we are all here for you
Brett, hope you are doing ok, I am not used to you not posting..

Its been quiet here and no word from Brett, I just wanted to say hi to everyone, I have been home in bed for two days with some virus/flu/bronchitis, horrible, this is the first one that I didn't have my mom here to coach me through, I look at her picture and say mom I hope you are here with me now.

Does the pain ever go away.  Its been two years.  I still cry almost every nite.  Her doctor called me a murderer when I gave him her DNR.  I will always wonder would she still be with me?  On her anniversary of death I got the news my boyfriend has cancer.  I do not know how much more I can take.  

Hi Betty, its been six months since my mom died and The pain is still as horrible as it was the day I lost my mom. Its gotten to the point where I try not to even think about her because I know once I do, the tears and the pain start flushing back. How horrible is that? That I cannot even think about my own mother because of my grief.  So i push my pain, regret, and guilt deep down so I can semi-live in this  in this world. I do hope that one day we will be able to think about the  happy times and not the loss. 

Betty I too am in the same boat its been two years and I cry a lot.
I go over things in my head constantly.
Its so hard to keep living our lives.

Hi Crystal
You are still in the beginning of the grief, you have to let you body feel what it needs to, I saved voice mails from my mom and I cannot even listen to them and its been two years.
I will tell you as time has gone on the pain gets softer, it does not go away, it gets softer slightly.

Very Well said Theresa Crystal and Betty its been 11 months for me and I still cry a lot and I have not been able to go into my mom house or even look at pictures with out feeling the overwhelming pain. As Theresa said the pain in everyday life did get softer at times I also found this wonderful group who has helped me and allowed me to open up and understand my pain. I hope everyone is doing okay as I haven't heard much from anyone just know you guys are in my thoughts!

Hello everyone. Today was bittersweet. I went to visit a dear friend at the hospital where my mother passed almost five years ago(Feb 8th). My mother wrote a short 2 page note of thanks and love to all of the doctors and nurses and staff at the hospital about 36 hours before she passed away while there. It has taken me 5 short years to share that note and I let them scan it to post for everyone that works there to see. It made me feel great love for them all too. I only showed it to a couple of nurses that looked stressed and sad. It really lifted their spirits and made me and them feel happy even with all of the sadness all around us. I miss my mother everyday. Part of me died with her but I am determined to keep going as best that I can. She would want that. Depression has been following me for so long..

I have been very focused on work and have not checked in lately. But you all have been in my prayers every day. 

Warm, comforting hugs to all,

Blue

Jean

Your Mom was a very special person to show such empathy and caring for those that took care of her. In all my years of being a nurse, I have never heard of any one doing something so caring. 

Bluebell

I was blessed with dreams tonight that had both my Mom and Dad in it. In one, I was a little girl and ask Mom to help me because I was sick. The beautiful part was that I knew she would take care of me and make everything better again. In the other dream, Mom told me to go to be with Dad and that he was a man who strong and full of confidence. I saw myself as a little girl walking with him down a path next to a lake. It was Fall and the air was clear and crisp. Dad and I were holding hands and I felt very safe, loved and protected. Someone else was holding my hand on the other side of me, but I could not see who it was.

Bluebell

Bluebell that's is so wonderful to be able to have a dream like that..
I am concerned, we have not heard from Bret..

I am concerned about Brett as well. Have not heard from him since Dec.  

The dreams were an unexpected gift.

Hey Brett. It would be great to have you check in. You are missed.

Bluebell

Thanks, Bluebell. I am just really going through a lot right now, and I don't know how to make it better.

Sometimes talking about it helps. If you want to share, this is a great group of caring, nonjudgmental people who understand the griefing of a loved one and the life transition that follows.

Bluebell

Brett so glad to at least hear from you.

I struggle during the winter months, too much time to think.

Bluebell, I hope you are doing ok, it takes time, like I said before our moms are not coming back, but the pain we feel gets softer, the memory of her will never leave, but you will soon find yourself saying, I remember when my mom used to say or do that.

I miss my mom with all my heart, and I hope she is around me....