Brett ..you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Crystal, how many people put off going to see the doctor? Sometimes getting my mom to go to the doctor was like pulling teeth. She was tired of it all. It seems like every time I would take her they would find a new issue. I don't blame my mom for not wanting to go. My mom was always bumping her shin into things. Her skin was paper thin and she could cut herself so easily. There were several times that a small cut would become infected and mom would have to see a wound specialist. And then the doctor would give me a lecture about how dangerous a cut could be. There is a fine line. We were our mom's caretakers but we were not their bosses. Regardless of our ages we were still the children. I would nag my mom about going when I thought she needed to. Sometimes my mom would just flat out refuse to go, or she would take so long getting ready that she hoped the nurse would tell us that we had missed our appointment. That never happened. I think they kind of knew what was going on and they would still see her. My mom had just grown tired. I think mom felt like, "Well, even if you fix this, there will still be something else." I imagine that I will be like that myself one day.

You may believe that you put off taking your mom to the doctor, but let me ask you this... if your mom said, "Crystal, I think we should go to the doctor's office and have this cut looked at", would you have said no? I don't think so. Sometimes the best a caretaker can do is try. Our mom's still had rights. I rarely tried to force my mom to do anything. The only times I did, like calling 911 without her permission, she would get angry. There was a fine line. It was her life and her body. I would even sneak and call my aunts. I would ask them to call my mom and try to talk her into going to the doctor's office. She would say, "Did Brett put you up to this?" Many times, by the time I could get mom to go to the doctor, it was almost too late. I felt so much guilt at the time.

Don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up. There is no doubt that you experienced the worst case scenario, but you never would have put your mom in harms way. We just wanted them to be well. We did what we thought was best at the time. It's easy to look back and see mistakes that we made. We feel guilt, but we do that to ourselves. We loved our moms with all of our hearts.

Also, don't feel badly about fussing with your mom. You were in a tense situation. Sometimes that frustration came out in words, but your mom knew that you were her caretaker, and I can promise you that she appreciated everything you did. You weren't being selfish. You were being human.

Thanks Brett. I try to tell myself that it wasnt my fault. All th time. But I think the only person that can convince me is my mom. I beg for her forgiveness all the time and how I wish that she could respond back. 

I understand. If I could talk to my mom I would tell her that I am sorry for so many things. I really wish that I had appreciated her more when I was younger. I just sort of took it for granted that she would always be there.  

I have been blessed off  and on this holiday season to feel a sense of comfort because I feel wrapped up and warmed by my Mother's love. I feel her loving spirit around me. I am glad she is sharing that part of herself with me. Mom, as much as I loved her, could be a difficult and not  a warm, demonstrative person. I think she often felt unfulfilled by her expected role of being the parent and and taking care of the house hold. She was intelligent woman and could have been so much more. But in that generation, her role was chosen for her and she had few other choices. Her frustration with her life came through. But now I think she has peace and a loving soul that she is sharing with me. I thank her for that. It is good to feel her around me and I am so very grateful. I just have to remember to keep myself open and let her love me the way she always wanted to when she was here on this earth. I miss you Mom, but I am happy you are finally at peace with yourself.

Bluebell

Bluebell that was very touching.

I would be more at peace with my moms death if only I could have gotten to the hospital before she went in cardiac arrest, it was like someone turning the lights off, when they called me when I was pulling in the hospital parking lot, my mom could not have been there more than 20 minutes and they said to me your mom is in full cardiac arrest, I was like huh, what, I though oh maybe a heart attack, but for what I was about to see was not what I expected.  From that point on I remember very little, I called my brother, my husband, my work to tell them I would not be there, my cousin who she was close with to please come, I feel bad for my brother he had a long ride and when I called him at 8am he said I know this couldn't be good news.

I almost forgot to call a priest, I was numb.

I cry still alot and tell her I miss her, then I try to think of all the things we did together, most of them she did for me.

Can I just say after CPR did not work, and the dr asked me do you want us to continue doing this, I looked at him and said is she breathing he said no, I said stop it.  

Her face had a peaceful look so calm she looked beautiful just like she saw what she believed she would, even my husband commented he said look at her face, not a wrinkle just a glow.  At 92 years old.

I tried to tell my brother but I couldn't describe what I saw.

They do have peace now and that does give me comfort on the bad days.

Bluebell

I read your post again Theresa. What a shock. I am so sorry.

Bluebell

Thank you Bluebell.  You are right they have peace.  

They have peace, yes. It's up to us to try to follow suit.

I do not feel very peaceful today. Lots of tears this morning because my sister and I are going to decorate Mom's Christmas tree for our get together at Mom's home on Christmas. But the sadness is mixed with good memories of when she was still with us. I am grateful for that. I guess I am grateful for the tears too because it means I loved her very much. 

Bluebell

She is right beside you Bluebell.

:)

I wish I could reach out and touch her again. I miss her.

Bluebell

Another bad day. I was shopping for Christmas cards and gift bags when without warning, I broke down in tears at the register. Thank goodness the cashier was a sensitive caring person and did not just blow me off. She said "Your Mom will always be with you". There are good people in this world and I was fortunate enough to have been in the presence of one when I became overwhelmed with emotion. 

I pray you all are getting through this hard season okay. It is a hard time. For me, it is the first Christmas without my Mom. I am just feeling my way through it and doing the best I can.

I miss you Mom with all my heart.

Love,

Your daughter Pam

Bluebell, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
My brother called me the other day and he said are you ok? There is a twenty year age difference between us, so we are not that close and he lives five hours away.
I said to him, yes I though you would have forgotten, the 14th was 18 years since my dad passed and I said to him you know next week on the 19th is two years for mommmy and he said I know, I just wanted to make sure you are ok.
I said yes, but I cry still, of course I miss her so much.
I have busy with work and will not have a day off until Christmas day, which exhausts me, but keeps my mind busy.

This is so hard for me! I miss my mama so much and it does not seem anybody understands but this group! I am going to my baby half sister this year for Xmas. By my father's 2nd marriage . She lost her own mother many yrs ago. I am trying to pull through and be upbeat but lordy I miss her (my mama) so much. I want private crying time! God bless you all and have a good Christmas. Janie

Hello Janie

this is very hard. I miss my mom this is my first without her I'm trying not doing this very easy either. Just know we here for you anytime and know she's looking down on you. 

My first in 68 yrs

I want to cry and scream she was my best friend and I know you feel the pain

Thanks

Janie, if you want to cry then cry get it out, it do it all the time.
Here's one for ya it annoys my husband when I say things about my mom to him that was two years ago, his mom is still here, I believe in karma
Janie, you will get through that day believe me, tomorrow is two years for my mom.
I'm going to try to occupy my mind and work.
Bluebell, Brett, how are you doing?

Theresa, your husband may not understand, but he still should have some compassion. I'm not married but I get the same thing all of the time from my family, and I have to be honest, it's pushing me away from them.

Theresa

I am hanging in there the best I can. I was in tears this morning and it was not just all about Mom. I miss Christmas when my Dad, Mom, 3 brothers and my sister and me were all together. We were a  whole family then.

Janie,

I do feel your pain. This is my first Christmas without Mom in 98 years.

Bluebell

Brett, I just think in my head you'll see one day.

Today is two years since my mom has passed, I can't say I feel any different, I just miss her the same.

I was supposed to be off today, but opted to work, I don't want to be home alone.

Hello Everyone

I just wanted to see how everyone is doing I know its tough for us all no matter how many years its been. I put everything off doing like my tree and shopping until my son returned from his first year at University I said I wanted us all home together I know it was an excuse as nobody helped and I didn't ask I just didn't want the reminder of Christmas as I don't feel like anything this year. I can say now its up(the tree) and I all I do is stare at it and my mom picture I don't think I will every like holidays again they seem so empty even though everyone is around the one person isn't and I can't stopping thinking she not coming. I know I'm finding this hard so I know you guys are just wanted to say your in my prayers and always on my mind along with my mom. I miss her so much seeing everyone so happy makes me want to scream what's so good about it my mom is gone and it feels like the first few days all over again I just cry all the time. Theresa work sounds like a good plan! 

Hi everyone - I know that I have not posted in here for awhile, but I want you all to know that I have been reading your posts and you have all been in my thoughts as we are in this together.

I am having a terrible time today. Sunday night my car was broken into and everything in it was stolen. One of the items was a messenger bag that had ALL paperwork related to my Mom's death and estate. All of the certified death certificates, all legal information, a copy of her estate portfolio including all of hers, my brothers and my own unique identifying information (SSN etc), all of the recipients and ledgers that I've kept related to the trust account, all account information, security codes to get into her storage unit, you name it. I am just devastated and stunned by this. Like, I don't know what to do first and I feel paralyzed. Worst of all I feel like I let my Mom down. It was so stupid of me to leave it in the car!!! I called in to work this morning to tell them I probably wouldn't make it in, but so far today I've just slept, woke up and dropped my daughter off at her Dad's, then realized that I'd left the house without my wallet or phone. Then I got home and just completely fell apart.  I don't know how I will every resolve this. I have filed a report, but I live on unincorporated property and so it is the county sheriff's office who will be dealing with it which is kind of a joke. 

I am incredibly angry at whomever did this. I know it was just some druggies and several neighbors cars were also broken into the same night. If they had a shred of humanity they would return the bag. Now I fear the worst and that they will somehow get ahold of the estate assets or steal someone's identity. I think that the keys to my other car were also in  my gym bag which they took. So now they can come back and steal my other car (which they also broke into and took everything out of the glove box as there wasn't anything else in there).

I'm so sorry I'm trying not to wallow I just feel very overwhelmed right now. I guess I have to go out and start putting one foot in front of the other but OMG this sucks.

Love you all and hope your days is going better than mine!!

Luisa

Luisa, I actually agree that it was a bad idea to leave that information in your car, but if there is a bright side to this, it probably is that they were just looking for anything valuable. that they could turn into easy cash. More than likely they will get rid of that bag. I sure hope so. I regret that people can be so evil. And what a horrible time for you to have to experience this. I am really sorry.

PS: You don't have to post everyday for me to remember you. You are in my prayers buddy.

Thanks very much Brett. You are always so kind and welcoming to everyone on this site. I managed to take a couple of steps in the right direction today as far as addressing the stolen bag. It’s a tough time of year as it is, and my job has been really busy and stressful. I told my boss today that this happening seems like a signal from the universe that I need more balance in my life. I’ve been trying to deal with my Mom’s estate on the fly, fitting errands in here and there and that is why I had everything in one bag and in the car  -  there was a bank issue I’ve been trying to deal with and I wasn’t sure what documents I would need so I just had everything. I was trying to squeeze it into a work day but it wasn’t happening. I really want to cut back to  4 days per week at work. But, we’re already short-staffed, my boss doesn’t think the clinic manager will approve it etc etc. Anyway I just have to give the whole thing to God, pray for guidance, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Bless up and big hugs - Luisa 

Luisa

You are in my prayers

Bluebell

Luisa, my husband as a retired State Trooper always said if they can see it in your car they will steal it, same happened to me, but with only my purse years ago, now I leave nothing visible in my car, put it in the trunk.
Brett is right they will discard the bag.
People are evil I always wonder where do they go when they die?
The Lord says ask for his forgiveness and you shall be forgiven.
Please keep your faith.

Hey everyone! It's been a month and a half since my  beautiful mother and best friend got her wings.  I miss her terribly.  I lay in bed last night crying longing to hear her voice. This Christmas will be tough!

There are times I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing because I hurt and I want it to stop. 

Bluebell

Bluebell.  I know that feeling I was the same way I forced myself to keep going

This is what I say to myself a lot when I cry I stop and I think my mom is happy my mom is safe she is not ill she’s not in any pain so therefore why am I crying I’m crying because I am in pain and I am sad and that’s OK you do what your body tells you to do but sometimes it helps me when I say stop don’t cry for yourself I say mom is happy and I know mom is happy

like Brett said it’s the finale we will not see them until we pass on we miss them because we love them and we are very fortunate to have that I know some people who really don’t even care I had a customer come in and say her mother was just a burden to her I was so taken back I had to sit down

I’m thankful that my mom and I had the relationship we did there was never any fights are not talking to my mom but I do say myself I should’ve done more when she was here

Thank you Theresa. That helps alot.  I know she is free from pain now.  It's me that is in pain.... and I also know that she would want me to be happy. :) Grief is the price of love.  I'm glad I had the chance to love her as long  as I did. 

Thanks Theresa

Very well said.

Kate I understand your sadness. We all do. I lost my Mom August 30th of this year and it has been very hard. I long to hear my Mom’s voice also, and to see her and hug her one more time also. I know that my Mom is no longer suffering and that gives me peace at times. I’ve had a really hard time with Christmas too, didn’t want to face it at all but I have an 11 year old daughter and so I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all we can do. Grief just is what it is and I agree it is the price of love; a love that we in this room are all blessed to have. 

First Christmas without Mom and I feel so blah. I am going through the motions, but my heart is not in it. I know Mom is in a better place and has peace, but I do not. This Christmas and the thought of selling her house this coming year is overwhelming. I know we have to sell her house, but it is so painful to let go of it. It is so very final. Seems like I am either on the verge of tears or crying the past week or so. And again, I am reliving her last month and the last 2 days of her life and wondering if I could have done more to save her life. It is hard to remember that God makes these decisions and it was out of my hands no matter how well I took care of her. But still, the thoughts that it was my fault she died are tearing me apart again. I guess it is a process I have to go through, but it is hard.

Bluebell

Kate, I agree with you. Grief is the price of love. But I am sure glad that I had such a wonderful mom. Crying is a good release. To be honest, it's the days that I do not cry when I feel the worse. Those are the days when I just feel defeated and cold. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Bluebell, as much as we hurt, I think we still look for ways to punish ourselves. I wish that there had been something that I could have done that would have kept my mom alive longer, but it was like trying to hold back a tidal wave. There is a line from Corinthians that gives me some comfort. "There are things that no eye has seen and no ear has heard, things beyond the mind of humanity - what God has prepared for those who love." There are some things that can only be in God's hands. When we can see past the grief, we know that our moms are in a wonderful place. Even knowing that I still miss my mom more than words can say, but I know that she is being cared for in a way that I never could have provided no matter how I tried. Our moms are in heaven now. 

That was beautiful Brett

It's hard to see the beauty of one's death when we are the ones who are left behind. A few weeks one of my neighbors (Missy) died. I didn't know. I saw the ambulance at her house but I assumed that she or her husband (Terry) were on their way to the hospital for some reason. They are both still young. I found out the next day that Terry had come home and found Missy on their bed. She had passed. I don't know why.

I spoke with Terry the next day. He was in shock (of course). I told him, "Just imagine, Terry. While the first responders were doing their jobs, Missy was meeting Jesus. She met Jesus Christ." I don't know if that helped him very much. It would not have helped me very much to hear that after I had lost my mom. I knew it. I took some peace in it, but grief is so powerful. You can't love like that and be fine. It takes a long time. To me it is sort of like if your best friend won the lottery, meanwhile you just became homeless. How happy could you be?

This Christmas, all I know that I want to be in heaven with my mom, but I also know that I would have to die to get there. I don't have a death wish. I just hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, that we can know happiness again in this life. All we can do is hope and pray, and to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Beautiful Brett! As much as my heart hurts,  i know my mom did not fear death.  I was with her when she died.  She told me she saw Jesus and her mom moments before she passed. This reassures me.  Call me crazy,  but I still look for cardinals... her favorite bird and think that every time I see one she is near me.  

Brett, I am taking those steps towards acceptance and peace. But right now I am stumbling. It is the hope you speak of that keeps me from falling. Today I isolated myself in my house with my little dog. I wanted to cry alone. Yesterday, I was doing my normal everyday things and ended up tearing up at the dentist. It was my luck that they were compassionate people. The dentist even gave me a little kiss on the top of my head like a father would do. I think only those that have suffered a deep loss themselves can relate to the pain I was in. They did not try to change the subject thinking it would help me feel better. They acknowledged my pain and offered comfort. They shared their loss of their Mother and how their sadness is particularly strong during holidays, the anniversary's of the death or their loved ones birthday. It helped me felt less alone in my grief. This experience with these lovely people taught me that compassion and empathy is what I can offer to others when I meet someone who is in pain after a loss.

Bluebell

Sometimes it amazes me that we can find more compassion from a complete stranger than we can with our own friends and family. Losing a mom is something that a lot of people can relate to. The pain is universal for anyone who has been there. A few days ago I was talking to a lady at the grocery store. It was just a random conversation. She asked me if I was ready for Christmas. I think that she could see that I was not terribly enthused about it. She questioned me further. I told her about losing my mom on Christmas eve. She told what it was like to lose her own mom. She had been her mother's caretaker as well, and her mom was able to die in her own home. What she told me was beautiful and eerie. Her mother was on Hospice care. This lady was a nurse and had been monitoring her vital signs. She could tell that her mom would die soon. She said that she had just picked up the phone to call her sister and to tell her that their mother was dying. While she had her back turned, her mom had sat up in bed. She heard her mom say, "Jesus!" She turned around and saw that her mom had a beautiful smile on her face. She said, "What, mom?" Her mom said, "Jesus! It's Jesus!" And then she died.

I believe it. It doesn't take the pain away for those of us who are left behind, but it does give us some hope for the future, that we will see our moms again. And that there will be no more goodbyes.

That's where my hope lies. I don't want to give up on this life though. Maybe we can find some peace until that day comes. I haven't found it yet. I won't stop looking. And even if the worse should happen and I  become overcome by grief, I will still have hope that I will be with my mama again. I'll keep a candle burning.

I'm dying every single day... I terribly miss my Mommy! She passed away November 25. On Christmas day is her 1 month, the loneliest Christmas in my life and in the family.

She was in coma for just a day. I took the fastest flight home... I was boarding the plane when my brother informed me that she's gone!!!!! I tried talking to her on the phone begging her to wait for me... It's too late... I was numb and inshock the whole flight....

I rushed to her when I arrived. I kissed and hugged her.

Mommy I love you sooo much!

The pain is stabbing... 

Brett, you brought tears to my eyes telling about your conversation with the lady in the store.
Let me tell you, my mom looked glowing when she passed, at 92 not a wrinkle my husband even commented, I said she is overjoyed at what she has seen, Jesus, I just know it.
Edger
I am so sorry for your loss you have found a group of wonderful people here.
I too did not make to my moms side before she passed.
Everyone today we should all think of one special thing we did with our moms and how happy we both were knowing you made her happy and she made you happy.
:)

Thanks for sharing everyone I was reading and it did make things a bit better today. Today is a tough day as things come closer I just don't know how I'm going to do this with out her I see the tree and everything and I just cry I miss my mom so much!

Edgar this is a great bunch of people who are always listening and very helpful I feel blessed to have found you guys.

Edger,

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the horrible grief you are experiencing. I lost my dear Mom on Valentine's Day of this year. At first I could not sleep, felt sad all the time, cried sometimes for hours and had a lot of anxiety, especially in the morning. You may not believe it now, but the intensity does ease up with time. It has for me. This week has been tough again because it is my first Christmas without Mom. I do feel a little better today. I am blessed that God gave me that gift.

I found this quote to offer you

"Wishing you peace to bring comfort, courage to face the days ahead and loving memories to forever hold in your heart."

Bluebell

That’s a beautiful quote bluebell thanks 

Edger, I am so sorry. You are in my prayers my friend. Please know that you are welcome here, and that we will help you as best we can.

I miss Joy. I hope that she is okay. I know that she sometimes reads but does not post.

I will keep that in my mind today Bluebell