I have no place to visit my Mom because she was scattered at sea. That was her wish. I find that hard. I think none of this is easy to deal with for most of us.

Bluebell

Bluebell your mother had the sweetest most genuine smile. Thank you for sharing that adorable picture.

This last week since Thanksgiving has been a whirlwind. I drove to my Mom's sister's in Bellingham WA for the holiday with my 11-year old daughter. My brother was there also and a cousin whom I haven't seen in a few years. I was afraid that it might be hard going there because I have never been to my Aunt's before when my Mom wasn't there. But it was really comforting to be with my Aunt, because she misses Mom as much as I do. I only really feel apart once, on the Saturday after the holiday when we went shopping at a craft fair. They had musicians performing and one woman sang Wind Beneath My Wings. I just started crying so hard. That song really describes what my Mom means to me. Anyway, we came back from my Aunt's Sunday, and went back to what ended up being a really stressful work week.  Bluebell it sounds like you are a nurse, and I am one too. I love my job and feel so blessed that God put me here. However, I also really relate to you when you talk about how sad it can be.

So today is really the first day that I've had some time to decompress. Brett I heard you mention earlier that you struggle with the concept of never seeing your Mom again in this lifetime. This is what I struggle with too. My Mom was young, only 68. I'm 39, my daughter is 11. Sometimes when I think about living the rest of my life without her, the best way I can describe what I feel is a sort of fear and panic. I am also very aware of other adults talking about their parents who are still living, often people much older than I. I know I'm not a child but I feel too young to be without a Mom. I feel that I still need her here. I feel angry that she's gone and angry at myself for not doing more to help her improve her health before she became so ill. I wonder if we should have taken her off of hospice and tried to give her a longer life. I wonder if I had cut back more on work to take care of her instead using hired caregivers so much, she would have lived longer. 

The truth is, taking care of my Mom, seeing her suffer, was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Spending too many hours with her, seeing her body waste away, not being able to get her to eat, seeing her zonked on morphine because otherwise she felt so short of breath, was sometimes more than I could bear. I would watch her sleep and just cry, because I knew that she was going to leave me and I was powerless over that. I have great admiration for those of you who lived with your Mom's and took care of them 24/7. That is a huge act of love. I am very grateful that I got to be with my Mom, lying next to her in the moment she left this world, as painful as it was, and the memory still is. I was by her side for the days before, and she was so uncomfortable. She just wanted it to be over, and she said as much to the Hospice nurse. I told Mom, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard for you. And Mom said to me "We're doing it together". She understood how hard it was for me, and she was with me, too. 

What Bluebell's post proves to me is that there is never a good time to lose your mom. I recently lost a great aunt who was 101. I think that her children felt just as much pain as someone who loses their mom at a young age. I would have loved for my mom to have lived to be 95 or 101 because that means that she would still be alive, and if my mom had made it to 101, I would have been pretty old myself. Now I feel like I have a really long wait to see her again. But we never know, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone, and I have noticed that I have picked up some very unhealthy habits. Like I eat what I want now. I imagine that somewhere deep down I am trying to hasten the process. I don't want to live to be 100. Not even close. I miss my mom too much for that. Maybe that will change some day. I don't see how. That's why I pray. I pray that there can be happiness and security in this life even without my mom. And the finality of it all is overwhelming. To know that I will not see my mom again in this life is beyond deflating. My mom wouldn't have wanted this for me, but I cannot help how I feel. I could lie to myself and go through the motions, but the grief would catch up to me one day. Folks will say, "Your mom wouldn't want for you to feel this way." Well, guess what? I'm not crazy about it myself.

This will be my second Christmas without my mom, but people actually act like I should feel better now because this isn't the first Christmas. That's insane. Grief isn't on the clock. I'll feel better when I feel better. I believe that I even feel worse now than I did at this time last year because it has been a longer amount of time that I have not been able to see my mom. 

Bluebell such a lovely picture!!!!

Brett someone once said to me you think the first year is hard, the second is harder.

Should I say this is three Christmas's without my mom because she died on 12/19, like I said the first year I was in a fog and complete haze.

What was heartbreaking for me was that when Mom was in the hospital for the last time, the day before she came home on Hospice, she was recovering and she was to be discharged. But over night, she took a big turn for the worse and I knew in my heart we needed to get her home. It was obvious she was suffering. She had to wear a non breather mask which delivered 100% oxygen. Her lungs were filling up with fluid and she had to have IV medications to get rid of it 2-3 times a day.  Her kidneys were failing.She could no longer walk because of weakness and the condition of her heart and lungs. It was a very hard decision, but I knew the kindest thing I could do for her was to get her home with her beloved cats and have the family come from out of town to be with her. She was home only 2 days before she died. I tried to help her by giving her all her medications, 100% oxygen and even the IV medication to get rid of the fluid build up. But nothing helped. I remember she did not want to die in her sleep, so my brother and I got her out of bed and into a special recliner chair in the living room. She had her milk and cookies, even though she could only take a couple of bites and a sip of milk. She was gone in about 2 hours after that with her family around her and me telling her it was okay to go and that I loved her. I hope she heard me. One of the Hospice nurses (a co worker) came over after I had become hysterical on the phone that day because nothing I was doing was helping my Mom and she was just getting worse. I am so grateful she was there when Mom passed away. Even though I am a Hospice nurse myself, my mind was so filled with grief, I needed help to decide what medications I could give Mom to make her as comfortable as possible during her transition from this life to the next. Letting her go was the hardest thing I ever have had to do.

I still have doubts about the health care decisions I made for my Mom in the month before her death. Maybe if I had insisted she go to the hospital before, maybe she would still be here. But I have to remind myself that she was still capable of making decisions for herself and she did not want to go. She only agreed this last time because she could not breath, was scared and very uncomfortable. 

Bluebell

I am not a selfless person even though my last post may have come across that way. I did not want my Mom to pass away, EVER. It does console me that she is now free of pain and has peace. But for myself, I am still in emotional pain a lot of the time and my moments of peace do come, but not for very long. I pray that in time, I will be left with good memories and be grateful for the time I did have with her. And even though I was her caregiver for a good part of the last 3 years of her life probably made it harder for me to be without her in my daily life, I would do it again.

Bluebell

I never wanted to admit to myself that my Mom's last visit to the hospital would be her last.  She had trouble talking but her last words to me was, "I love you" after I said that to her during my last visit.  The next morning my sister called me and my brothers and said to get to the hospital immediately.  On the way she called my brother and told us not to rush.  Even then I didn't believe she was gone.  The next few days were just a numb blur of activity before the grief really hit.  That was two years ago and I still hurt.  Now with the holidays approaching, it's getting worse.  My Mom made Christmas for all of us.  Most of the traditions are gone along with my Mom.  I'm trying to get through it all but sometimes I feel like I'm losing a battle impossible to win. 

Bluebell, It was the same situation for me. Mom did not want to go to the hospital anymore. I kept calling 911. They would do what they could, mom would be discharged, and she would be back in the hospital a few days later. Her doctor agreed that she should be on Hospice care. Even at her death my brother wanted me to call 911. My mom deserved the right to decide. It was so hard but I knew how taxing it was for her to be in that hospital. She had had enough. Not calling 911, even when she was on Hospice, and I knew that there wasn't anymore the hospital could do for her, went against every natural instinct that I had. I am glad that my mom got to die at home. That's what my mom wanted. It was hard to abide by that decision. I will add though that she was so much happier at home. She was so glad that the 911 calls and the ICU stays were over. She had a wonderful sense of peace here.

I would have missed my mom so much regardless of the circumstances, but being her caretaker, and being with her 24 hours a day, made it so much harder for me to say goodbye. In a roundabout way it's like she even became my child.

I appreciate the memories that are being shared about the final days and hours each of us had with our Moms. Each of us loved our Moms so dearly and had to be brave then to let her go. The memories are so painful but I pray that sharing them helps each of us slowly make peace with what happened.

About 2 weeks before Mom passed, I asked her sister to come stay with her so I could take my daughter on a little trip. So much of my time and attention had gone to my Mom over the last year and a half, and I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, I felt that my daughter and I needed to take a break and spend some time together. We went down to palm springs for a few days. I don't remember feeling much on the trip except maybe a little relief from worrying about my Mom's care, because her sister was with her and I knew that she would take good care of Mom. I think that some part of me hoped that Mom would bounce back a little while I was gone, and that she would rally again, like she had so many times before. But walking into her bedroom the day after we returned, she looked so very ill, probably the same as when we left, but being away from her, I didn't picture her looking as sick as she was. Words can't describe how it broke my heart to see her that way. She was just impossibly thin. I wished that it was just a bad dream. I knew that the end was close. 

We made the decision to start hospice in Spring of 2016, after Mom had suffered two collapsed lungs. Her last stay in the hospital was miserable, and she said no more, I don't want to go back. She had worked 30 + years at that hospital and was adamant that she did not want to die there. At that time she had just had a pleurodesis and was in a lot of pain, couldn't eat, couldn't breathe. It seemed like the most compassionate thing to do. We just wanted to keep her comfortable at home. We thought that she was going to die soon. We just had no idea what was in store. I ask myself, if she had known that she was going to pull through and live another year and a half, would she have still wanted Hospice? The paradox is that I believe she rallied because of the drugs and so fourth provided by Hospice. One of her biggest problems was that she could not eat and was already dangerously thin. We even tried medical marijuana and megace, nothing worked. Then on Hospice, they put her on steroids and morphine, and she had an appetite again, and she had a sense that she could breathe enough to eat. And she started gaining some weight. She regained some strength, and could even walk down to the dining room or the mail box at her retirement home. We had this sense of normalcy for awhile, and it seemed like maybe Mom would just keep living, maybe for a few more years. But deep down I knew that morphine and steroids were a temporary fix, and causing problems of their own. They were masking a degenerative condition. But I think that at that time, I started taking Mom's life for granted again. I didn't know what to do with this extra time God had given us. And on the steroids, Mom wasn't really herself either. She was manic and demanding. It was difficult to be around her at times. How I wish that I had done more, taken her out more, spent more time. I thought that everything else in my life was so important. I was selfish. 

Now when I think about my Mom, I have regret over time not spent. I know that I did a lot for Mom, but I wish that I had done more. I really do. When I am really sad, that is often where my mind goes, and I'll start talking to my Mom out loud, telling her that I'm sorry. 

I have apologized to my Mom over and over again for indicating to her that she needed to try hard to recover the night before she died. I hope she has forgiven me. I was so torn between letting her go and the hope that somehow she would bounce back if I just took good enough care of her. But she was tired and her body was failing. There was nothing I could do to prevent her from dying. But that still does not prevent me from still thinking from time to time "what if I had just done this or done that?" But I do not and never have had the power to keep someone from going to God when he calls them to his house.

Bluebell

I am so sorry Luisa. 

Bluebell

Luisa, Bluebell, Theresa, et al, I can tell you on behalf of your moms that you are forgiven. That's what moms do. They love and forgive us, and then love us even more.

Reading all of the memories of your mom's last days, not being able to see her this Christmas, it all sounds so very familiar. It's odd to me how something can be so obvious to everyone else can still cause so much thought. I was almost ashamed to ask my mom's last ER doctor if mom was a candidate for Hospice. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Of course." He told me that it would be the compassionate thing to do. It seemed to surprise him that I did not know exactly how bad off my mom was. It's just that I had seen her bounce back so many times before. Five forms of cancer over the course of 12 years. Of course I was very worried that my mom's time on earth was running out, but I wasn't as aware as her doctors were. They may have hinted around about my mom dying, but I can't remember one that just came out and said, "Your mom is dying." The Hospice administrator (who was a doctor) was a lot more blunt about it when she came to my mom's hospital room that first time. In fact, she was too blunt. I had to ask her to leave the room. Not because I was angry at her, but because I wanted for my mother to understand exactly what was going on. I did have one issue with Hospice. The hospice doctor immediately prescribed opiates. The effect that they had scared my mom. She felt out of her head. She called me one night/morning at around 3:00 am. She told me that she didn't trust the nurses or her new doctor. She wanted me to come to her room and see what kind of medication they were giving her. The truth was that I didn't know myself. I asked the doctor to stop prescribing those things. I told the doctor that I wanted to introduce those medications more slowly. Mom knew that going on Hospice meant that she was going to die, but she was afraid that they were trying to speed up the process. She was scared. Her fist day on Hospice, here at our home, I asked mom if I could give her some morphine. She said, no. Mom had very advanced COPD. I told her that it would make it easier for her to breathe. She tried it and it made her feel better. I still introduced it slowly. Mom didn't want to take the prescribed amount. By the end she would request it. She never said, "Can I have some morphine." She would just say, "Can I have a shot?" It wasn't an actual shot, but she did not want to use the word "morphine."

I have not put up any decorations and I don't think I will. My mom made Christmas wonderful. She's gone now. I have to learn how to deal with that before I can move on.

Thank you to everyone for listening and your kind words.

I wouldn't do Christmas decorations either, if it weren't for my daughter. Earlier a friend suggested that I try and think of something new and different to do this year, to take my mind off of it. Maybe we will go to my Aunt's for Christmas. I thought of going on a trip somewhere and being gone for the holiday, but in the end I decided it would be a waste of money just to be sad somewhere else (lol)...

Gregory, I just saw your post. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. You are among a group of people who certainly understand what it's like to lose someone whom you love so much.

Since my mom died on 12/19/15 my tree was up I tore it down and was careless.
But I thought about it.....my mom managed to decorate every single year even though her mom died on Christmas eve and my dad on 12/14, so I memory of her my dad and grandmom I put up a tree, I was reluctant, but I though of my moms strength.
Working in my job stinks because Christmas is all around ugh!
I put a smile on and keep going. Holding in tears at the same time...

Crystal,

I can relate to feeling alone. Though I rarely went to Mom for comfort or advise, just having her near made me feel safe and whole. Now I feel like a part of me is gone.

Bluebell

Crystal, I more than feel alone since mom died, in some way I am. I have a huge family. They are about three hours away. When mom was alive so many of them would call her each week. Mom always talked to them on speaker phone. I would talk to them, too. When she died that all stopped. Also, my friends, even life long friends, don't call anywhere near as much. I'm not the same person that I was. I am always sad. I guess they got tired of that. I want to be who I always was for them but I can't be that right now. I can't be something that I am not.

Bluebell, yes my mom took a big part of me when she died.  Brett, I know how you feel about being sad all the time. That is why I avoid a lot of my friends now. Because I don't want to pretend to be happy or to be having fun and I don't want it making them feel like they cant smile around me.  I am so grateful that I have you guys because I cannot talk about this to my family all they tell me is to get over it and stop bringing it up, that I'm intentionally hurting myself.  I cry now over the smallest things, my mom would always wake me up for work or school whenever I overslept now nobody does and whenever I wake up late, I just start crying cause I miss my mom and all these little things she would do for me. 

I am experiencing the same as you folks.  Since Mom passed away in August the phone calls have stopped and no one mentions my Mom except my husband.  My brothers never bring her up in conversation.

I exercise at YMCA ( to help mentally and physically) and people who barely know me say keep busy and that will cure your sadness.  Unbelievable what people think you should do.

If you are sad people run away...

My husband and I have decided not to put up a tree or decorate this year.  My two adult children ( mid thirties) are fine about it.  On Christmas Day we normally have in our own children and my brothers families.  This year my husband and I are taking our children out to a restaurant on Christmas Day and then getting together with my siblings and families on Dec 29.  I just could not handle having everyone in on Christmas Day.

Bailey My heart goes to you. I feel the same way my family keeps talking about christmas plans and I just stay quiet cause I am not planning on celebrating xmas this year... its been a hard few days.. the guilt of my mom’s death is coming back. To those who dont know, she died from a multitude of problems but mostly complications from sepsis, heart failure, then multiple organ failures.. The sepsis began from a cur on her foot. I knew about the cut. We got ointment for it but it never healed and it developed into sepsis. I will always wonder what if I had taken her sooner to the hospital, I was on a trip and came back when she was already in Intensive care. I blame myself. Did some research on sepsis and apparently its the number #1 killer for ER patients coming in. And i never heard of it til my mom. I try to reassure myself that it wasnt my fault- but to know she died from something that couldve been caught and prevented! That kills me!  Im sorry guys for venting. I’ve cried myself to sleep the past two nights about this. And I cannot talk to my family about it. 

Crystal,

I understand the guilt Crystal because I too suffer from the "what if I had just....". I have to remind myself that when God calls our loved ones home, they go. It is not within our power to stop it nor should it be. But that being said, it does not mean we will not miss our Mom's forever, while we are still on this earth.

This self talk and belief helps me get through the "what if I had just....". Maybe it will also help you.

Bluebell

Crystal, reading that is heartbreaking and I am so sorry. None of us knows what the future holds. I remember once when I called 911. My mom wasn't making sense to me, and she could not get out of her chair. When the EMT's arrived they looked at her oxygen tubing. Mom had fifty feet of tubing that led to the concentrator. They found a kink. My mom had not been getting oxygen. When I saw that I immediately broke down. That was on me. I remember the paramedic telling me not to beat myself up. I was trying. I never would have knowingly let anything bad happen to my mom. After that I would go over her tubing every single day, but there were so many thing that could have contributed to her death, and I could never catch them all. Sometimes at night her Bi-Pap mask would leak because she moved it with her hand while she was sleeping. I tried to put out every fire but it was impossible. I don't want to even try an imagine how many hospital visits could have been prevented if I had been aware of everything that could go wrong, or did go wrong. My mom had a similar problem. She would cut or bruise very easily. I was always monitoring her scars, but it was like trying to hold back a tidal wave. We do the best we can. We did the best that we could, and we did it out of love. I would have laid down my life in a second for my mom. It just doesn't work that way. We are not given that option. You did not know about Sepsis. Few people do. You did what you thought was best. Your mom knew that you were taking care of her as best you could. And there comes a time when things are just out of our hands. I remember telling my mom's ICU doctor that I wish that he would just move in with us. He said, "Brett, both my mom and dad are dead. I couldn't save them. Even if I did come home with you I could not save your mom." That was right before mom came home to be on Hospice care.  We try as best we can but we just do not have the power to keep our love ones alive. If one thing had not taken my mom, something else would have. It's a sad reality, but I loved her with all of my heart during that journey. And I know that you loved/love your mom just as much.

What you wrote was from your heart Brett. Thank you.

Bluebell

So nice Brett, wow today was bad I cried alot, this month is hard for me, but no one else sees it.

Im anxious all the time, my body hurts, my back aches and I think its from anxiety.

My situation is so different from everyone else, my heart goes out to all, either way we are without our moms.

I'm sorry, Theresa. I don't know what else to say except that I am there with you buddy. Our situations are different. You've got yours and I have mine, but we both hurt badly. May God Bless us.

Theresa I send my love and prayers to you. This is such a difficult month. I have cried myself to sleep the past week and noone sems to know. We are both suffering in silence. I have back pain, im always sleepy and tired. Our bodies know that we are grieving. Brett, thank you for your wonderful response. We can always remind ourselves that it was not our faults but sometimes that doesn’t stop the guilt or regret. Wishing you all some sense of closure, however long it takes. Theresa, I feel you. Although my mom lasted a few days, no goodbyes were said. I was too afraid. I thought or hoped she would survive. The doctors thought she would survive! But we were wrong. And I replay the last few moments I had with her over abd over- wishing I could turn back time. 

This  about sums up where I am at emotionally....the holidays are heart wrenching. Tearful days. Hard nights. Feeling alone. And at the same time with all this inner upheaval, I expect myself and others expect me to function like everything is alright. But it is not. I do not feel alright. My heart is broken and I am weary. It would be so nice to just have times where I felt my world was a peaceful and safe place to be and the hole that I feel in my chest and gut were gone. I hope I am given this even for a short time It would be the best Christmas ever. A safe harbor in the storm.

Bluebell

Thanks you guys, Brett I know we are both anticipating the day that is coming, I want it to come and go, lets move on to next year and hope it will be better.
I can say I am glad I found this site, because no one I have friends or family don't care.
You know I will say this again, my mother in law, said it to me again the other day, "we all have to die one day", another words telling me to get over it.
What I am thinking I cannot say, but I think you all get it.
I will be blunt, I used to like her now I hate her.
Anyway, today is my day off I am going to the cemetery to bring a Christmas blanket of greens, my mom did it every year now I will.
God Bless everyone, we will get through this.

You have all said it this is the just as tough as the first few days. I have tried to keep going its not easy. My in laws came over and said what no tree. My answer you want it up put it up I'm not right now, My mother in law said the same thing Theresa so since I have had some bad feelings for her lately as she has never said a word to me about my mom my anger came out your right you will one day and just walked away so I think we are also not on the best terms lately. I then felt so guilty for this type of comment I don't wish this on anyone I just don't see why she just doesn't get my feelings and understand and be more companionate. My husband and kids all said when your ready mom we can put up the tree together and they seem to get it or just trying to help me get through it. I know this is a tough time for us all and I am happy I have you guys to talk to, just know I'm here for you guys.

The lack of understanding from my family has been horrible. They all think that I should, "just get over it", but they weren't here. They don't understand why all of the late night 911 calls are still with me. They didn't sit by my mom's bed at night and watch her struggle to breathe. They knew that mom and I were very close, but they cannot know how our relationship grew. I was with my mom 24/7. She was dependent on me for food, water, even using the bathroom. She became an even bigger part of me than she already was. I would look at my mom, helpless, and I would remember how strong she had been. I remembered that she was a single mom who provided for four children, and had worked so hard, and had sacrificed so much for each of us. They do not understand how much it meant to me to be able to give something back. My mom became such a big part of me that when she died she took most of me with her. They don't understand why mom's two little dogs became my best friends. They were by my side 24/7. When one of them became sick a few months ago, they did not understand why I just didn't, "put her down." 

Because this is my second Christmas without mom, I am just supposed to magically be over it. But this Christmas is harder than the last. 

They don't understand. They can't understand. 

Brett I see how this is tough for you I know things never get easier they just get different I can understand why just can't getting over it is so much more than anyone understands. I know I can say this to you and I have a hard time even getting it is Just know our mom's are not in pain and are happy in the heavens watching over us and they know and understand all we have done for them and with them. This is just my first Christmas so I can't imagine what you are feeling this Christmas because I'm doing everything to avoid doing it to stop the pain and the feeling of hurt I want you to know I understand the pain and loss. As for your mom dogs I totally get it, we have a cat which we rescued from the cat rescue my mom help at  she has now gotten sick and found tumors on her stomach which I paid dearly to have removed because I feel this is one thing I have left from mom and I can't let go of her too. She is an older cat but I would do it every time I can't go through this again.

I have a question to anyone in the group Has any one gone to Grief Counseling or Therapy. It has been mentioned to me by my Husband that maybe I should look into this as I am not dealing with things so much. I just wanted to know if it help you I am not sure about sharing my feelings I am very private person about things this is the first time I have ever done something like this I find it easier since I still stay private but am able to release some of my thoughts with someone who understands?   

Sherri, it's kind of a hard question to answer. I want to help you and not discourage you. Neither worked for me. That's me though. I think that it largely depends on the level of your grief, circumstances, and your ability to think objectively for yourself. Not everyone responds to therapy. To be honest, what helped me the most was medication. You could have gone your entire life without suffering from depression or overwhelming anxiety, but grief can create a chemical imbalance, and in my case PTSD.

Medication coupled with therapy can often lead to healing. For some, all it takes is a grief class. Try any option that you would like. Try them all. You will never know until you try. We have to be proactive, and we have to be our own advocates. I know that surrendering completely to grief is the worst thing that you can do. Keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. You may have to walk a long time before you see it, but keep walking.

As sad as we all are, it is so important to remember how we got here. It was love. We are hurting but our moms were worth it.

Thanks for the advice Brett

Sherri, I went to a berevement class at the church, three times and it was not for me, they were talking about circumstances, but nothing on a personal level.  One man there who lost his 26 year old daughter to an illness was rude he is a ER doctor and when he heard me story he said what did you want your mom was 92, I was like I am not coming back and I told the group admin why.  

Thanks Theresa

I am sorry Theresa. What a horribly, insensitive medical professional. It does not matter how old they are. It still hurts like H E double L to loose them. 

Bluebell

Sherri I have been considering it but have not gone yet.  Bereaved Families of Ontario will meet with you individually or in a group setting.

If I go it will definitely be a individual session.  To be honest I am waiting to get through Christmas and then decide.

Thanks Bailey I was going to wait till after Christmas also and thanks for the name not sure where or what to do. 

Brett I totally understand what you are saying.  When my Dad passed away in 2011 , I needed help.  My brother and I (along with our Mom) did palliative care for our Dad who was dying of cancer.  I did the day shift and my brother did the night shift.  A nurse would come by each day and teach us what we had to learn.  We had no respite and did this for two months straight.  When my Dad passed, I was mentally a wreck!!  I had nightmares, panic attacks and etc.  I went to my family doctor and got a referral to a psychiatrist who was a god sent.  A person has to do what they need to be able to carry on.....

Bailey, I would recommend individual grief counseling. There were 12 people in my class. They all had a story to tell, and they all deserved and needed to be heard. The minister who conducted the class went through the material quickly. Too quickly. One person would speak and then we would move on to something else. Because of this we lost half the class after the first meeting. A person who has suffered a significant loss needs individual attention. 

I will say that I think it is a shame that anyone has to rack their brain to find proper help. We should all have a caring support system. That is not always the case. I have two brothers, a sister, aunts, uncles, and a lot of cousins. I also have lifelong friends. I envy anyone who has a loving spouse who is there for them, truly listens, and loves them unconditionally. That must be amazing.

I am going to be honest. It's not easy because I do not know anyone here really. And I do not want to come across like this is about me. It never was. it was always about my mom. Now she's gone and I have to try to take care of myself. 

Mom was diagnosed with cancer 14 years ago. I had a wonderful career at the time with American Airlines. Over the course of several years my mom fought five different forms of cancer. There finally came a time that I knew that I would either have to leave my job or that my mom would have to go into assisted living. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to love her silly and have her be some comfortable here at home surrounded by her little dogs. I retired from AA. I was way too young to retire but AA offered me a severance package if I did. I took it. I had no way of knowing that my caretaking experience would last for four years. In about two years time I had gone through my savings. I still had the same bills to pay. I cashed in my 401-K. That saw me through to the end of my mom's life. I should point out that I also went back to school. I couldn't leave home but I went back to UNC online and was able to earn a degree in Nutrition. I chose that because my mom's immune system had been completely destroyed by chemo and radiation. On more than one occasion my mom had simple colds that became pneumonia. I became a certified nutritionist and I did all of the research that I could. We were able to rebuild my moms immune system. She did not die of cancer. She died of COPD. There was nothing in the world that I could do about that. Mom had several bouts with lung cancer. Her lungs just deteriorated. She didn't smoke.

Continued...

This is where it becomes about me. And I am sorry that any of this is about me. For all the love that my mom gave me in return, those four years were full of trauma, anxiety, worry, panic, sadness, fear. So many 911 calls. Every time I worried that this was the end. That they would not be able to save her yet again, but they always did. She always came home. Each time I would thank God and we would start all over again. But there was always something new. Congestive heart failure, Thrush, excessive Co2. The Lasix that she was taking for Congestive Heart Failure was robbing her of her minerals. People often do not realize how dangerous low potassium and other minerals can be. He blood was so thin that just a simple cut could cause her to bleed profusely. Those cuts almost always became infected. It never stopped. It was like a tidal wave. It was like plugging a leaking boat. As soon as you plug one hole, another one would appear.

My mom had so much faith in me to make her better. I sure tried. But the day came when there was no more that could be done. My mom started Hospice.

I never asked my brothers or sister for help. Being a caretaker is not for everyone. The first day mom was on Hospice care, one of my brother's visited. It was so odd. He wouldn't even go into my mom's bedroom. He stood at the door and only stayed for a few minutes. Before he left my mom asked him if he would help me move her into the sunroom where she had a hospital bed. He looked her right in the eyes and said no. And then he left. I will never know why.

Continued...

The next day my sister came to visit. My mom had asked me to move into her bedroom. She wanted to stay in the sunroom in her hospital bed. Her room, the master bedroom, is connected to the sunroom. There is just a set of French Doors that separate the two rooms. My mom wanted me in her room so that she could call for me in the night. My sister told me that she wanted to sleep in the master bedroom while she visited. I told her no. Mom needed help and she did not know how to care for her in an emergency. My sister told me that I was being over dramatic. She told my mom that she wanted to sleep in the master bedroom. Mom told her no. She said, "I need him." My sister told her that either she stayed in the master bedroom or she would leave. Mom felt guilty and told her okay. That night before bed, I noticed that the French doors were closed and the curtains were drawn. That made me very angry. I opened the doors and there was my sister lying in bed wearing a sleep mask, and wearing ear muffs. She never would have known if my mom needed help in the night. I sat by my mom all night long and she needed me several times. Mostly her Bi-Pap mask would become twisted. We did this for two nights. When I would put mom on her bed pan my sister would go into her room and lock the door. I just did not understand. My mom had done everything for us.

When my mom died, this is the family that I was left with. My other brother called me a couple of days after mom died. He wanted to know what we were going to get money wise. He also wanted to know how big our televisions were. He wanted the biggest one.

I just missed my mom. I can no more talk to them than I could talk to a stranger. A stranger probably would have been more compassionate. And of course it was long before I was invited to leave the house, and to take my mom's dogs with me. 

There's nothing more to say. I wish that I could have gone back to American Airlines, but that is not possible. I am not old enough to receive my pension yet. I lost my mom but I also lost my family. I guess I never really had them. I was left with two wonderful little dogs, one who has since passed. The little dog I have left is all that I have left of my mom, and she is blind and elderly. I don't know how much longer I will have her.

It's all so heartbreaking. I miss my mom. I miss my dog. I miss my job, and I wonder when I will see a light at the end of the tunnel. I pray a lot. Just a couple of years ago I had the best mom, and two wonderful little dogs. I don't want to be the last one standing. I don't have a choice. My mom's sisters are nice enough but they don't understand. I hear things like, "I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should see somebody." And then they talk about all the cute things that their grandkids did. They don't know. They don't understand. It didn't happen to them.

Thank you to anyone who read all of that. That's my whole story pretty much. It is so hard when the happiest time of your life is all a memory. I tired to do the right thing. Life is not like the movies. And no one gives you points for doing the right thing. But I will tell you this. My mom was worth it. She will always be worth it.

I love you, mama.

Brett, I teared up reading your posts. I understand how you feel. . I have been my mom’s caretaker for the past three years, , although not a very good one. Took her to every appointment, made every phone call, memorized her medication- it feels weird cause drs and hospitals were so much a part of my life. Not anymore. Her condition wasn’t as severe as your moms, but I felt overwhelmed many times and sometimes resented my family for not helping out once in awhile. But if I complained, i was called selfish. I have a lot of guilt about how I handled my role as a caregiver. I would get frustrated and take it out on my mom by complaining and when we argued, I would tell her to tell her other children to take care of her.  Ofcourse I woukd regret it and apologize but it always hurt her when i said that.  I know my sisters loved her. They are having a hard time accepting her death as well, but I wish the circumstances were different and it wasn’t just me that my mom relied on. And Im not just talking about my sisters but my mom’s sisters that lived with us too. Because now the only person I can blame for my mom’s death is me. I wasn’t here. So she kept putting off going to the dr until it was really bad. I have my sisters, my close cousins, my aunts, but I dont think they understand the grief and guilt I am feeling. How a death can affect you as their main caregiver.  I have a big family yet I feel utterly alone. I cry over the silliest things and wish my mom was still here.