I just lost a post answering you Bailey. I am so saddened by the upcoming holidays today, that I haven't the energy to retype it.

But I will say that right now, I too want to skip decorating.

Bluebell

Hugs back to you Sherri

Bluebell

Bailey,

I cannot speak for Sherri but my Mom passed away 9 months ago and I go through the same thing

Bluebell

I am really hurting right now. A kind word to me would be very much appreciated. It does not have to be much. I just need to know I am not alone.

Bluebell

Thank you Sherri. My best to you always

Bluebell

And I of you. It is good not to feel so alone.

Bluebell

Again, thank you both for your kind words. I am feeling better already. I do not need much and I am grateful to you both for helping.

Bluebell

Bluebell you are not alone God is right beside you always.

So today is Thanksgiving, we will all get through this day and tomorrow will be back to normal, the next hurdle is Christmas.

Its a tough month for me it will be 18 years on 12/14 for my dad and 2 years on 12/19 for my mom and my grandmom on 12/24

Sadly my job is in retail and it occupies me for the entire month, I know its not good to do that, but it helps to be busy.

Everyone have a good day, say a prayer that our moms and other loved ones are watching over us and thank our Lord for everything he has given us. 

I am going to the cemetery I will check in later.

 Thank you for the big hugs and prayers Luisa. Stay safe on your journey. Thank you Theresa for reminding me that God is always with us. I will be praying for all of us as we get through this one day.

Bluebell

Well I made it through my 1st Thanksgiving without Mom. It was hard, but I am feeling better now. As I have heard said already on this thread, the next hurdle is Christmas.

My Mom was cremated, scattered at sea, and did not want a memorial service. Our family honored her wishes. What I miss is being able to go to a cemetery to talk to her, or put flowers. I am going to try putting a decal on a jar that says pennies from heaven and has a heart with angel wings. Each time I find a penny, it will signify to me that it is from Mom. I have ask my family to join me in doing this and they have agreed. I am hoping that by starting this tradition, it will help us feel closer to her.

Bluebell

Survived Thanksgiving. Didn't celebrate cause that would've been too hard.  Dreamt of my mom last night though. Remember feeling so happy to see her alive. Then I woke up so disappointed that it was just a dream.  Still cannot think about her without crying. So I try not to think about her at all cause it will bring the pain back.

Thanks for thinking of me, Theresa. I am thinking about you, too. I am thinking about all of you. Thanksgiving was very difficult. Christmas will be so much harder.

God Bless you all. And I hope that your foot gets better soon, Theresa.

Thank you Brett, for anyone that's in the medical field I have three foot issues, a plantar plate tear, a nerve entrapment and the good old plantar fasciitis.

It has pre-occupied my mind because my job requires a lot of standing.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone.

Ouch! Are you in a walking boot or no weight bearing?

Bluebell

My Mom used to wear a heel plastic insert in her shoe during the day and a special support sock for her foot at night. But what she had was not was not a tear, just fasciitis. Take care Theresa.

Bluebell

I can relate to the holidays being a very painful time Brett. You are not alone. Come here and talk it out if it will help. We will listen. We will care.

Bluebell

Hi Everyone I know Christmas is going to be hard I'm thinking of everyone and your in my prayers. I know its hard I can't even get myself to put anything out or up like the tree my family has asked I said it will go up just not ready right now. I know it's selfless but I don't want to keep looking at it and remind myself she not here or coming. I have always done everything for my mom at this time since she wasn't healthy to do it and since I'm the child with kids it was easier for her. To many memories right now I just keep crying when I even think about Christmas let alone have to look at them. Hugs to everyone I am glad I have you guys to let me thoughts out to.

I am searching for the right words to express the depth of the sympathy I feel for each and every one of the people I have come in contact with here, but they elude me. The closest I can come is that I feel your pain; I share your pain. I understand how unbearable it can be and how the intensity of it comes back again and again. They say that we are made stronger as we go through life because we learn to accept our losses. But I disagree. I think it wears us down and we will never be the same. Our lives are forever changed. We are forever changed.

That being said, I also have faith that all of us will get through this. On those bad days, I hang onto that faith. I also hang on to the knowledge that this is a safe place to come and share my grief because you all understand the depth of it. 

Crystal. God bless you and comfort you. I pray he brings you peace again soon.

Bluebell

Crystal it takes time you need to go through the emotions and when you feel like crying you cry, I do.

This is what I can say on 12/19 it will be 2 years, I still miss her with all my heart and I always talk to her, the pain in my heart is still there but not as intense, it will always be there she was a big part of my life.

Sorry wasn't ready to post, but all that being said my mom was all I had.

I have so many unanswered questions that I know one day they will be answered.

One of my patient's passed away a couple of minutes ago. I had nightmares last night that I would have to attend her death. But I was spared that and I am relieved. I can take care of the terminally ill and I do it willingly, but I am not ready for the other part. It is just too close yet to the death of my own Mom.

Bluebell

Theresa, my mom was all that I had as well.

Bluebell, I agree. I do not feel stronger either. I feel quite the opposite. If anything I can now council friends when they lose their moms but am not sure if I will ever be stronger because of her death. I may become hardened which can come across as strength, but I could do without that.

Crystal, I understand what you are going through. I am so sorry. You are not alone.

God Bless you all.

Thank you all for the kind words.  Bluebell and Brett I completely agree about how the loss wears us down.  I have lost so many people in my life and losing my mom was the icing on the cake, if you will.  It has changed me so much, I am no longer the girl who laughs at everything. I am still me, but sadder, pessimistic, and more negative.  With every loss, the light in me got less and less bright.  Theresa, yes it takes time, and I do feel that overall the pain is not as intense at the first few days.  But I fear that every time I remember my mom, I will remember her last few days in the hospital, the strength she had when she pleaded with the doctor to find something to fix her, and her tears as she realized she wasn't getting any better. Tears are running down my face as I write this. it just kills me that my mom never got any closure, she didn't know that her visit to the hospital would be the last. Neither did I. and it is just unfair for anyone to go through this.   

Im sorry guys.  I am so thankful I have you guys to vent to.  Can't really talk to my family because talking for them brings up the pain, and they would rather not think about it.  Maybe that is what I need to do as well.  

Crystal, that's heartbreaking that your mom wanted to go on living. My mom was ready. I wasn't ready, but mom was ready. She had been sick for long enough. We talk about becoming hardened and pessimistic, but I will always have hope and faith that this life is not the end, that your mom and my mom are in heaven now, and that they are well, and will never have anything to fear again.

Brett, I agree this life is not the end, God has prepared something even more beautiful for us.

Crystal, I have changed since my mom died, what you say describes me, I know she wouldn't want that, but that is how I feel.

I also didn't know my moms visit to the hospital would be her last and neither did she, I looked in her purse for something and found her little box, it had one vitamin and one blood pressure pill in it because she thought after they fixed her on that Saturday we were going out to breakfast.  It breaks my heart.....

Oh Theresa, I feel your pain.  In a way I am thankful that I got to say goodbye, although she was on a breathing ventilator and could not talk for the last few hours of her life.  I kick myself for not comforting her while she was still awake, but I did not want to admit that she was dying, so I cried quietly to myself until it was too late.  My mom also died from cardiac arrest. She had one final heart attack and died the next morning.  I feel you Theresa, its is hard to think about the unsaid.  If I were to do it again, I would have thanked her for everything that she did, to not be afraid, shared stories about our lives, and asked her what baby names she liked so I can name my first child.   I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye until the very last moment.  

Sometimes we think about the things that we should have said, but the truth is we will still have so much pain. I told my mom that it was okay for her to go. Like Sherri, I actually almost regret saying it because it was a lie, but my mom deserved to hear those words and she had suffered enough. More than enough. Still, it was a lie. The thing to remember though is that the love between our mothers and us was very real and very well understood. You could say everything that you ever wanted to say, and it would still hurt so much. I'll never love anyone as much as loved my mom. I don't have a spouse or children, but it really doesn't matter if you do. We love them all in different ways but we love them as much as our hearts will allow us to love. I could not have loved my mom more than I do. She knew that. I try to take some comfort from that. There are things that I truly wish that I could have apologized for, but do you know what? I would still be posting on this site right now. Love like that does not die. There is a price to pay for loving so much, but I certainly do not regret loving my mom as much as I do, or the life we had together, and if I am heartbroken for the rest of my life, so be it. My mom was worth it.

Crystal, there is no reason to feel selfish and petty. You just wish that you still had your mom. That's the most natural feeling in the world. I don't begrudge those folks. I sure do envy them though. And especially at this time of year. Sometimes I will see a small child with their mom and grandmother, and I just can't imagine how wonderful that would be, but I did have my time. Maybe I just didn't appreciate it enough while I had it. Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back in time, to a place where my mom was still young and healthy. I would hug the snot out of her and she would probably look at me like I was crazy. But in a way it's good that we can't go back. I would hang on to my mom like grim death. That's probably not a good way to live. What bothers me the most is the finality of it all. I will never see my mom again in this life. That is so hard to swallow. My memories are still so fresh.

Theresa, I can see why it hurts you to see that little pill box. Right up until the time my mom went on hospice she was still driving, still shopping, still just being my mom. I was hoping for more time. I was even expecting more time. Even when I knew that my mom was going to die I had hopes that we would have more time together than we did. It was shocking to see my mom die. To look at that lifeless body. To know that her heart wasn't beating anymore. To know that I could talk but that she couldn't hear me. I still have not recovered from that. I don't know that I ever will.

I have to say what hit me the hardest was after my mom died I went back to her house I walked in and looked around and knew she would never be coming back there.  She lived there for 60 years it to this day hits me hard when I think about it.

I walked downstairs and saw her sneakers she wore to do yard work and I just looked at them. 

The people that bought her house told me to come anytime I wanted to, my goodness I can't even think about going there ever no way. 

I would be hysterical crying.

It is the busy time for me at work I am a buyer/office manager for an upscale jewelry store, I will only have one more Saturday off till Christmas, but I'm ok with that.

Keeps me very busy which is good for me..

I know it is small, but this is a picture of my Mom at age 97 on Mother's Day. She is holding the flowers that my brother sent her. She looks so happy. This is how I want to picture her and forget her final hours on this earth when she was suffering.

Bluebell

Thank you Sheri. I think so too. I miss her so much!

Bluebell

How wonderful that she lived such a long life.

I have not been able to visit my mom's grave. That would be too much right now.