Hi, Sherri. I lost my mom on Christmas eve, 2015. Last year was my first Christmas without my mom. I use to love Christmas music. Now it just breaks my heart. 

To be honest, every day feels like that first day I lost my mom. Like you, I held my moms hand and watched her take her last breath. It is still so fresh.

There is absolutely no timeline for grief. We all grieve in our own way, and in our own time. First I want to say that I am so sorry that you lost your mom. I am so sorry that you had to watch her decline. My mom's first night on hospice was rough. I had given her a shot of morphine. She slept for a long time. When she woke up she asked me who I was. I had to tell her that I was her son. I imagine that you had moments when you looked at the same face that you had loved for your entire lifetime, and then had to ask yourself how and why this happened. It's life and we all know that day is going to come when we lose our moms but it can still seem downright cruel when it happens. There is no way to prepare for it. There is no way to get back lost time.

It sounds like you were your mom's caretaker as well. As close as I was to my mom, and we were so close, becoming her caretaker took our relationship to another level of unconditional love. She became almost like my child as well as my mom.

When I lost my mom I tried to comfort myself by saying, "I can only lose her once. I will never have to experience this again." But I was wrong. I experience it every day.

All of us her have many things in common. We are still grieving, but more than anything we loved our moms with all of our hearts. We all want to get better but none of us want to let go. I guess that we are all trying to find a balance between accepting what has happened while keeping our mom's alive in our hearts.

There is something else that well all have in common. Our moms loved us every bit as much as we loved them.

If you ever need a friend or just want to share what you are feeling with people who understand, please know that we are here for you. We are more than just empathetic listeners, we are experiencing so many of the same things. We are all different people and our experiences cannot be the same, but we all love and miss our moms so much.

I've got your back. You are in my prayers. God Bless You, Sherri.

Sherri, so sorry for your loss my mom died on December 19, 2015

Unexpectedly, cardiac arrest and I wasn't by her side I got there right after...

We all have different stories, but we are all grieving the loss of our moms, even though its been two years, I will be honest, not a day goes by that I don't think of her and I always tell her I love her everynight.

She was my mom, my best friend, my life.

Thank Theresa and Brett I am so sorry that we all must be here and I know we are in that same boat we lost our mom so I'm grateful to have a place  I can let go of some of these feelings and with those who understand my thoughts and over whelming feelings at times people around you don't really understand unless you have lost you mom. My mom had to be put in hospice 2 weeks after found out her diagnose as it all happened so fast I didn't even have time to think what to do she couldn't remember who I was half the time of how to eat or walk or to be trusted to take her medication as he had a heart by pass a few years ago and was a heavy diabetic sometimes and she had two large brain tumors in the front of her brain growing through her brain so each day it depended on what it was pressing on as to how her day was and she slept about 15 hours a day due to her med's they had to use to help with the swelling in her brain so some days I watched her sleep. I understand about the Christmas music thing Brett I see it all around and I dread it now as this is when it all started and I don't want to remember that horrid moment when they said the news and time just stopped I thank you all for your time I haven't tried grief counseling as I am a very private person but I have found it even worse now that I just want to revert to not being around people unless I have to like work that's all I avoid everything else still I can't even go to my husband family things with out being in the bathroom crying as I watch my husband and his family interact and just want my mom back and I find it hard to see them all together without reminding me she is gone every time. This is what brought me to here. You all in my prayers and I am grateful for you all 

Sherri, I have been through grief counseling. Being a private person is okay. There were some ladies in my class (I was the only man) who rarely said a word. I believe that we all benefitted from the experience however. It's good to have support and to know that there are others who understand what you are going through. I know what it is like to go to a bathroom and cry. I keep my mom's driver's license with me. Sometimes I just want to see her face. And sometimes that just makes me miss her more.

You have experienced a trauma. We all have. I remember just staring at my mom's lifeless body by the light of our Christmas tree.

I remember watching my mom sleep, too. I would remember the good times when she was stronger. I would wish that those days would come back. I would wonder what my mom would be doing at that moment if she were not so sick. The quiet was so hard. She would wake up and I would see her looking at me but I never knew until she spoke if I would be getting the mom that I had always known, or if I would hear someone who was just very confused. There were times when mom would wake up and give me an order. I would smile and say to myself, "Now, that's my mom."

I could also imagine what it would have been like if I were the one who was sick. My mom would have had the same thoughts. She would have watched over me like I watched over her. I am glad that she didn't have to experience that.

There is nothing about this that is easy. It can be so hard to find someone who understands. Unless a person is living it, or unless they have been through it before, they can't understand. And truth be told, some folks just aren't that empathetic. I have friends and family who think that I should just get over it and move on. How could they know what was between me and my mom? They can't know. Only my mom knew, and she is gone. That is the cruelest irony of it all. She's the only person who could have made me feel better.

But I try to go through every day knowing that my mom loves me, and I remember that, no matter how much it hurts, my life was a thousand times better for having had her in my life.

I would rather experience this than to be someone who was never that close to their mom. I just can't imagine.

I have hope and faith in God, and maybe one day I will see her again. we will all see our moms again, and we will never have to say goodbye again. Until then we just have to remember how blessed we were to have loved so much, and to have been loved so much.

Thanks Brett having someone understand my feeling and moments is nice I have a great supportive family I just don't think they quite understand and like you say why I just can't just get over it and move on but they have their parents so I know they don't get it she was all I had. thanks for all you words it helps today. I'm trying to have faith I still just not there yet and I know there is no timeline and one day I might. I do know every day my Mom is in a better place with no pain and that does make me happy for her and I also know she loved me so much and I also that is why it hurts so much but I will take everyday one moment at a time. Thanks Brett for listening and sharing Hugs.

Sherri, I'm glad to help you. Faith can be a very hard thing to come by right now. We are hurting so much. I can visualize being with my mom in heaven one day, but I cannot visualize feeling better today. This is quite a process.

I have a little cousin who is in high school. She recently lost her great grandmother. She told me, "I think that I know what you are going through now." I didn't want to sound like a mean grownup and tell her about the degrees of separation. I just told her to love and appreciate her mom with all of her heart.

Sometimes we have to be our own best advocate. When my mom died, one of her sisters told me, "You think you have it bad. A neighbor of mine just lost her child. Think how awful that would be." I guess in her own way she was trying to let me know that it could be worse, but at the time I couldn't see how it could be worse, and this is no contest. If it is a contest, it's a contest that no one wants to win. It all hurts so badly. 

I wish that I could find the words to help you feel better. I wish that I could find the words to make me feel better, too. I can't. But I sure do care. You're not alone, buddy. 

Thanks for the support any time you need a friend you just type I'll be there just knowing I have some where to go helps.

Hi Bluebell, Brett, Theresa and Sherri...everyone, just checking in...had a such a tough weekend emotionally. Reality is setting in more as time goes on. It's only been 10 weeks since Mom passed but sometimes it feels like much longer. My sense of time is really different right now. It's like I don't want time to pass, because I worry that I will start to forget things about her. I don't want to let go of anything that belonged to her still. Right now I need to find the title to her car so I can figure out how to transfer it over to my name, but going through even a small box of papers puts me into a tailspin. I see her handwriting, receipts from things that she bought. Little cartoons that she liked and cut out of New Yorker magazine. Last night this box that I was looking in had so many memory triggers that I completely forgot what I was looking for and just had to stop. There were travel receipts from 3 different vacations we took together, receipts from past Christmases, you name it. Mom saved everything. I was just a mess. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. The memories knocked the wind out of me. It's hard to imagine having to go the rest of my life without my Mom here. I can't imagine how I will ever not be in pain now that she is gone.

Sherri my heart really goes out to you coming up on the anniversary months for the first time, and for everything that you went through leading up to her passing. My last holiday season even with my Mom was very hard, because I knew that it was our last Christmas together.

I have to keep holding on to the belief that the pain will lessen with time, that Mom would want me to carry on and be strong. 

Thank you to everyone for being here. I hope that we can all keep touching base throughout the holiday season; I know that we will all need that extra support. Remember none of us is alone -

Hugs, Luisa

Luisa, believe me you will not forget anything about her.

It one shy month of two years for me and I remember her everything about her.

The first year was a blur for me I felt like I was walking around in a fog.

Every time I went to my moms she used to tell me in the closet in my room is a metal box it has all the papers in in you will need and a notebook with who to call for her insurance etc.

I used to say on come on mom please and she would say I'm just telling you.

Sure enough she had the metal box with hanging file folders labeled and the notebook with phone numbers of companies I had to call.

I still have the box just like it was and I also have a box I bough at Marshalls with her clothes she wore to the hospital, her jacket she always wore and her little boots, other things that I have also put in there that were hers.

I am going to try to download a picture of the place she went everyday for coffee, she sat in the same seat and would only use the same cup, it was a family owned business, she was friendly with the girls who took over after their mom passed, a whole group used to meet there everyday.  They were wonderful to my mom, the picture shows it.

This was the seat she sat in when she went there and they wouldn't let anyone sit there for a few days in honor of my mom, it brought me to tears.

Theresa

It is early morning and I am not fully awake, so this will be brief. What a beautiful Memorial to your Mom. Thank you for sharing the picture.

Bluebell

 Hello Luisa

I Understand how tough it is to go through things I am still not there it is all I can do to just walk in the house so going through things are just to much still. I know there is happy memories in there I just can't find the strength to see her and know she gone it sends me into that tall spin all over again. I am a child of divorce at the age of 16 when I was 20's my mom remarried and my step dad is great he lives in the house and he cleaned everything right away I think it was his way of dealing with everything and that is okay with me a bit some times it feels like he wiped her away but that's my pain I'm sure, he gave me my mom clothes because a friend said she would make me memory quit from her stuff so he packed them up and gave them to me they are still in the box I can't even open it without breaking down so I get it. I can't even image looking at things Luisa and Theresa. 

I have a question for everyone for some help on this. My mom was cremated  and wishes to be put in her house with my step dad and her dog that was also cremated that she kept it was like her baby. My step dad seems to have moved on right now I am still trying to wrap my head around this as it has only been 9 month and they were married for 22 years but I know everyone grieves in their own way but that not the question I want to say to him if you have moved on I want my mom since he mind is else. Then me and my brother  agree to put her in final resting place we just don't agree right now but I know in time we will as its just hard for both us I know that. I want to visit with her and nobody else seems to have the same feelings and I feel funny going in the house one because he has moved on and I don't feel her in the house anymore since he has changed it all. Am I selfish in this thought her wishes were to be with her dog and I would bring both I'm just not sure how to tell him since he's not my dad. My real dad left me years ago and doesn't want to be part of my life so my mom is all I had. Could use some outside perspective as I know my emotions get the best of me he just told me he was taking his new friend away for Christmas so he won't be there. 

Sherri,

Try to be brave, and be honest and open with your step Dad about your wishes. I know it will be hard because it does not sound like you have that close of a relationship with him. But it is the only way you can find out how he feels about your Mom's resting place.

Bluebell

Luisa, I am so sorry. That is so hard. The day that I removed my moms things absolutely tore me apart. There were so many little things that I had never even considered while she was alive. I would find a t-shirt and I would remember how often she wore it. And then I would long for those days. I remember looking at her make-up, and body lotions, and hair supplies and remember all the many times that I had seen her get ready to go shopping or to the doctor's office or anywhere. The reality that she would never need those things again, and the reality that she would never be going anywhere again was too much. I could replay in my mind how often I had seen her use those things, and then I just wished that I could have those days back. Even just one day.

My mom didn't have a metal box. She had told me where her will was located. I avoided that drawer like the plague when she was alive. I would always try to change the subject when she mentioned it. She would say, "well, you need to know." I would say, "Mom, hopefully I won't have to worry about it for a long time to come." Well, that day finally came. It was such a hard thing to read. I saw all the places where my mom had signed, and I imagined that day. I could see her sitting in an attorney's office. I wondered what she did after she left. I wondered where I was on that day. I was somewhere oblivious to the reality that was to come. My mom came home that day. For me it was probably just another day. When I saw her signature I wanted that day back.

Finding my mom's hairbrush was so hard. There was still hair in between the bristles. I was looking at a part of my mom.

There are people who would say that what you did is all a part of the process and that it needed to be done. Maybe so, but the pain of it is too great.

This is what gave me some comfort. All the things in my mom's house, her clothes, her makeup, that hairbrush, those were all just things to my mom. There was only one thing in my house that my mom truly loved and that was me. You are your moms most cherished possession. You can't be thrown away or donated. You go on. And through you a great big part of your mom goes on as well. If you could talk to your mom today, she would not be too concerned with that metal box. She wouldn't be too concerned about her art supplies. She would just be concerned about you. She would tell you that she loves you again. Take comfort in that.

You also touched on something that we all worry about. We are afraid that as time passes that we will forget some things about our moms. That her voice may not be as clear in our heads. What's even worse is that memories become years away instead of a few weeks old. As horrible as the day was that I had lost my mom, I had still seen her and talked with her on that day. Her memory could not have been more fresh, but I can promise you that I have not forgotten my mom. It is all very fresh for me still. Will it be in 20 years? Maybe not, but I will love my mom as much as I do today. That will never die. She cannot be forgotten. She will be with me every day for the rest of my life. 

Sherri, you will always be your mom's advocate. It is for you to make sure that her wishes are carried out. This is a hard thing to say, but she can no longer speak for herself. My fear is that if you do not follow her wishes that it may open up a giant can of guilt for you. You are going through enough as it is.

I can sure understand your situation though. It's a tough one. I don't know your step dad. People grieve in their own way. It is possible that he may not want your mom's remains in that house. It is also possible that he may agree to it for your sake. That in itself is difficult. Our mom's are so precious to us, I would hate to let go of her remains to someone who may not wish to have them. It could even be that he does want to have her remains. Regardless, you need to broach the subject. You will not find peace until you obey your mom's wishes.

Also, I can only imagine how hard it is to go into that house. Suddenly it feels like the house is his instead of your moms. You sense his presence more than you sense hers. I know that is hard. But the thing to remember is that your mom loved you more than she ever loved a house. One day I will have to sell my mom's house. I hate to think of some family living here. People who never even knew or cared about my mom. One day it will be their house and not my moms. I dread that day, but nothing can ever take away what happened here, the love between my mom and I, or the times we had together, even her final journey home. Those things took place. I was there. That is what is most important.

God Bless You. 

Brett,

So many things you talked about in your most recent post helped me to put some things in their proper place and realize that my feelings are not unique in that you too are feeling some of the same things I am. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

Lisa, we all have one thing in common. Love. We all know what it is like to love someone with all of our hearts and then to lose them. 

God Bless You.

Brett,

You couldn't be more right. My Mom kept me grounded all of my life in more ways then I ever imagined. Now that she's gone, I struggle to stay grounded but somehow I am. My Dad developed dementia from extreme grief after mom passed and so now I am the one who oversee's all of his financial things, his care and his primary support system. Life sure changes quickly. February 2018 will be two years since I lost my Mom. LOVE is truly the best way to describe the connection we all have on this site. 

Bluebell, thank  you for your kind words

Sorry I have been working a lot and am so tire at night I just want to go to bed.

Hope everyone is doing as good as can be expected with the first Holiday Thanksgiving coming.

I dread the holiday season very much. There was just too much that happened between Thanksgiving and the Christmas eve that my mom died. Too much sadness and too much fear, but that paled in comparison to the next Christmas when I did not have my mom at all. My mom always made the holidays special with the decorations, her cooking, and the smell of mulling spices. A year later there was none of those things, just a memory. It's hard to live on a memory. I remember when I would so look forward to seeing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on television, and how I cherished my Christmas memories. Now they break my heart.

I'm tired of being sad, but being tired of being sad does not make it go away. I really miss my mom.

Sherri, I know how you feel going back to the place where she lived and I understand thank feeling of not wanting to trigger memories by looking at your Mom's things. It is indescribably heart wrenching. I had to empty my Mom's place out within a month after she passed because she was living in an expensive retirement apartment and I knew that Mom would not want us to waste money on an empty apartment. Several times during that month I made plans to go into Mom's apt. with friends or my Mom's sister and go through certain things or pack certain things, but once I got in there I was soon paralyzed with sadness and memories. I could work at something for maybe 15 minutes and then I would either lay on Mom's bedroom floor or sit in her chair and cry my eyes out. Anyway, in the end I hired movers to pack most of it and moved into a storage unit that I have not visited since. Anyway, every single step of this process of learning to live with our Mom's absence just hurts terribly. 

Sherri I also wanted to say that I agree with Bluebell and Brett, from what it sounds like your Mom entrusted you with her wishes for where her remains should be kept, and so it would be best to try to carry that out. But I also wanted to ask, are you sure that your step Dad doesn't know what her wishes were? I have to imagine that he loves her and would want to fulfill them. Does the new girlfriend live there already? If he doesn't want to honor your Mom's wishes I personally would find that very selfish of him and wonder about his loyalty to her. But that's just me. I have heard this before that some men remarry quickly after they are widowed and I have to say I don't understand it but I guess its not uncommon. That being said, its got to be uncomfortable if not painful for you to see him move on so quickly. It may be that he cleared away her things and found a new girlfriend because he wants avoid the grief. A new relationship would be a nice distraction from it and may numb the feelings some. I don't know him but I can't imagined that he's worked through his whole grieving process already and is emotionally free and ready for someone new. 

It must be incredibly strange and sad to go to your Mom's house and have it not be her house anymore. I'm very sorry that you are having to endure that.

Sorry if I sound overly critical.

I agree with Brett also that if he does not want to keep her ashes in the home that they shared, she is just as well to be with her daughter whom will always love her.

Brett I really appreciated what you said about our Mom's loving us above any of their things. It is comforting to remember that they do live on through us, through our bodies, minds and spirits. The great love that we shared lives on. I remember my Mom saying to me a couple of months before she died, that she will always be with me. It makes me cry to think about because she's not with me in the way I want her to be, which is right here and alive, but she is with me as much as she can be, probably more than I know. Her angel could be right here in this room beside me. 

We just have to remember that our pain is a testament to the grief love in our hearts, and one day when we think of our Mom's, our love will feel stronger than the pain. 

Hugs, Luisa

Luisa, I guess that we don't know if he has worked through his grief. Some people try to move on too quickly. If there is one thing I have learned about grief is that it will not be ignored. You are going to deal with it sooner or later. There were people in my grief class who were several years removed from their mother's death. Unresolved issues came back. They had never truly dealt with their grief and it came back to haunt them in a big way.

There are also people who seem to grieve very quickly. I am just not wired that way. Sometimes I wish that I were, though I feel like I would be betraying my mom if I got over her death too soon. At this point there is no fear of that happening. At this point my mom would tell me to move on if she could.

The oddity about all of this is that I am still confused how he would not know her wishes? If I were him I would want for her wishes to be finalized, but at the same time I may be reluctant to bring it up because her ashes may be something that he believes to be sacred to Sherri and I would not want to cause a problem, particularly if I felt that Sherri needed them and wanted them more than me.

I imagine there are families who have fought tooth and nail over their mom's remains. That can't be good either.

Sherri, all I know for sure is the only way that you will be able to find closure in this matter is to discuss it with him. That's got to be difficult though. As I said earlier, I would hate for him to take the ashes because he wants to appease you. This is all new to me. My mom is buried in our family plot. Cremation is different for me because no one in my family has done it. It would make me very sad to have my mom remains in my house.

I do feel very sorry for your step dad on one count. After my mom died my sister became angry because she said that she could no longer feel mom's presence in our house. Only mine. I sure did not mean for that to happen. 

Thanks everyone I am going to take your advise and try to talk to him I know its hard but he is a good man and he loved my mom so much and made her so happy which was very nice as I know my parents divorce was a very awful battle my mom fought and it killed me to see her so hurt. I just wanted to say I know the holidays are tough as I see Thanksgiving is coming up for you I am Canadian so I had mine already and it was hard to see my brother and me both sit at the table and our minds just wonder as she not there but I know we both just pushed through it together this made it a bit okay we changed things up a bit to help with that so we can make thing a bit easier but just know I am thinking of you guys hugs

I think my sister and I have decided to have Christmas as usual at my Mom's house. We will put up the Christmas tree she liked and put all the cat ornaments she has collected over the years. At dinner, I would like to set a place for her at the table in her honor. I might even give her a gift. By doing these things, to me it is saying  she will always be in our lives even if she is no longer physically present.

Bluebell

Hi guys, haven't posted in awhile, although I have been reading on how you all are doing.   Its now four months since my mom died. Its crazy to think that she isn't here anymore.   I understand how you feel Luisa and Sherry about not being able to go through her stuff.   I have all her things that we kept hidden away in my closet. I have her doctor's checklist still posted on my wall and I can't seem to throw it away. This little piece of paper that holds so much meaning to me. I've been able to smile more the past couple of weeks without feeling guilty.  Don't know if I'm moving forward or I'm just locking the pain away in the back of my mind  On the nights I dream of her I wake up sobbing knowing it was just a dream. The enormous guilt I felt in the first few weeks are slowly subduing but still catch myself cursing the universe for not allowing her to be here to enjoy the simplest pleasures. 

It's definitely hard, especially with the holidays coming up. Not looking forward to thanksgiving cause we always had thanksgiving at her house.  That's another thing too. Hate visiting her home cause of all the memories it brings up.  I hope everyone is okay this holiday season.  I'm here for you all if you guys need to talk. I'm sure I will.

Hi everyone it has been awhile since I posted. The holidays are coming and my Mom loved them! We always had dinners at her home until she was unable. The tradition was passed on to me but this year my husband and I are going away. My children and grandchildren both understand. I will eventually do the tradition again. I need peace and rest during this season . I have been in a funk on and off but right now I am doing well. I miss my Mom so much but I know she watches over me. I hope everybody's holidays go well. Happy holidays .      Janie

As the holidays approach, I think we all cringe a little knowing we have to go through them without our moms. Last year, was the first Thanksgiving and Christmas for me without Mom. My sister and I found a way to keep Mom's traditions and spirit with us by making some of the dishes she always made on holidays. Mom also really liked the blueberry candles that Bob Evans used to sell in their gift shops during the holidays so I bought one last year and I only burn it on holidays in memory of my mom. The smell warms my heart. It will never be easy to live without my mom but I'm so thankful to have had her unconditional love and her effort to always make holidays and birthdays as special as she could for me and my siblings. Because of what she taught me, I am able to do the same for my family and pass down the feeling of special days to my own kids. To me, its a small way to keep my mom alive in this world. 

Today I am very anxious and feel like crying, some days it just hits me harder than others, I guess thats how it will be.

I really don't care much for the holidays, but I get through them.

I am getting ready to go in to work hopefully that will take my mind off of things.

Have a good day everyone

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say, I appreciate hearing people's thoughts on the holidays. It's been helpful hearing the ways in which some group members have honored their Mom's in the past, or plan to honor their Moms this year. I honestly don't have a plan other than to have a tree and to try to do Christmas as usual with my daughter. I have all of my Mom's Christmas ornaments and things in my garage, and part of me doesn't want to get any of it out. I'm a little scared of the feelings that will come up and I don't want Christmas to be sad, especially for my daughter. But, then I think that Mom might want for me to get her Christmas things out this year. I have some guilt around the fact that last year, I just brought a couple of Mom's Christmas boxes to her at her apartment, but there was one certain box with certain ornaments that she wanted to decorate her tree with, but I never did bring the right box. I remember feeling strained last year, trying to do my own Christmas routine and also trying to make my Mom's special. We did get her a little tree and she loved that. Everything was somewhat shadowed by the fact that I knew that this was Mom's last Christmas. 

Theresa, I am thinking of you and I hope that your day did get better after your got to work this morning. Work is really a distraction for me, often it works well to get my mind off of things. 

Hope everyone is hanging in there - Luisa

Sorry for the repeat, on my phone.

No worries Theresa. It happens to all of us at one time or another. 

Even though I want to honor my Mom on Christmas, I know there are going to be tears and sorrow. It can not be avoided. I loved her and miss her. It broke my heart when she died and I do not think it can ever be mended. But I do the best I can and go on with my life, praying every day that God will grant me some peace. The truth be told, I have ask God to forgive me for ever considering ending my time on this earth by my own hand. He has taken those thoughts away and I am grateful.

Bluebell

Bailey, I am so sorry for your loss. I remember towards the end of my mom's life, it was so similar in the sense that we would cross one hurdle and then something else would arise. Atrib fibrillation, leaky heart valve, congestive heart failure, COPD. The congestive heart failure had her in the hospital every two weeks. It was all like trying to hold back a title wave. There came a point where my mom just could not win every battle. It was impossible. No one could.

I was not as brave as you. I didn't tell mom that she should let go until the final moments.

The last thing you wrote is so true. It's seems that we are given a small window to grieve. People just do not understand how devastating something like this can be. Even many people who have lost their mom do not understand why it may be so hard for someone to live without their mom. I wish that it was not that way. You are fortunate to have your husband. Everyone needs some one to lean on in a time like this. Even if that person does not understand the depth of your loss, if they can just care because you are hurting, that means so much.

Please feel free to share your good days and bad days with us. We understand.

God Bless You.

Bailey,

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. My Mom passed away Feb 14th of this year and I too am still deeply grieving her loss. This is a wonderful and supportive place to come and share your feelings about your Mom's death. Anything you are feeling that you feel comfortable sharing is okay. 

Second of all, I like you avatar. It looks like my dog except he is grey. His name is Bailey!! 

Bluebell

Bailey, I was my mom's caretaker for four years. She died on Christmas eve of 2015. I don't think that Christmas can ever be the same. I know it won't. I was thinking today, I remember when Christmas was all about toys. That's hard to believe now. What I wouldn't give just to have Christmas dinner with my mom. I don't need a present. Just an hour with my mom would be heaven. 

Brett, wouldn't that be the best Christmas gift ever.....

Hi guys, first of all condolences to you Bailey. The next few weeks will be a blur for you. And I am praying that you make it through them..Just remember, talk through it.  Having someone to talk to made it much more bearable for me.

Its funny, I remember the first few weeks after my mom died. All I wanted to do was stay in my room and sleep. Now, I'm able to laugh and smile... the pain isn't constant anymore.  but it creeps on you. Its like my shadow following me... Until a smell reminds you of them, or you find her writing somewhere, then you feel the stabbing pain creep up your body to your chest. Just as strong as it was the day I lost my mom...  I wonder if it will always be like this... Going through happy moments with this darkness looming over you waiting to be let out.

Crystal, that is the best way to describe it.

a darkness looming over you, in a flash it creeps up on you

we have to pray it stops and the happy memories are left

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is my first one EVER without Mom. I have always lived in the same area as my Mom. Even if I could not attend Thanksgiving dinner because I had to work or I was sick, at least I was able to talk to her on the phone and wish her a happy day.

I really miss my Mom today. I do not feel like doing anything other than lay on the couch and watch TV or sleeping. Yes, I took care of my daily responsibilities and I went for my usual 3 mile walk, but my heart wasn't in it.

Then there are the Christmas catalogs I was looking at. I was thinking Mom would have liked this and Mom would liked that. I was thinking, I could get her a present at Christmas to signify that even though she is not physically present, she will always be a part of my life. But the thought only brought me sadness

Bluebell