Brett your mom forgave you right after you said it, that's what moms do.

I've said  some no so nice things to her and my impatience was not so good at times, but our actions let them know we love them.

Some days I am just really sad, I say to myself mom is fine she is at peace.

I try anyway.

I'm going to say something to this group, my spouse has no compassion, but please don't take this the wrong way his mom is still alive.

Theresa, I'm sorry. It's true that your husband cannot know exactly what this is like, but to be honest, if you truly love someone you hurt when they hurt. Just seeing what you are going through should be enough to make your husband dig deep and try to understand, or at the very least, he should give you all of the compassion he can muster.

People can sometimes get caught up in the comfort of their own lives and not see/feel the pain that someone else is experiencing. That is not good. When we put out the SOS call, someone should answer. And for ourselves, we should be willing to go the extra mile to help someone else (Always). This is all over the bible. I don't remember verses very well but I remember their intent. Jesus said that if a friend knocks on your door late at night and asks for help, do not tell him to come back in the morning. Help him right away.

Jesus said that if someone asks you to walk a mile with him, walk with him two. Those words are meaningless if we do not put them into action.

Joy, I do ask God frequently. I have a lot of guilt to sort through. I can remember times when my mom was sick. Before it really hit home that my mom was going to die. Mom had advanced COPD. It was hard for her to gather the strength to even make it to the kitchen to get something to eat and drink. Mom had her favorite chair in her bedroom. She loved to watch television in the morning. I would freeze some orange juice and then I would put it on a tray that was beside her chair. I would also put out a breakfast bar. By the time my mom woke up in the morning the orange juice would have thawed out but still be cold. Mom thought this was a great idea. I did too at the time. I just wish that someone would tell me why I couldn't have gotten my tail out of bed and taken care of her properly? Do you know how much I would give to be able to dote on her now?

When mom went on Hospice it all became so much more real to me. Mom told her friends that if she so much as coughed that I would come running. It should not have taken that long for me to give mom everything that I had, and I mean everything.

Joy, I believe that God forgives me. My mom always forgave me. I just have to learn how to forgive myself, and to learn by my mistakes. Learning by my mistakes has not been hard. Forgiving myself has been impossible.

Geez I love my mom. She knew that. Everyone knew that. I sure knew it. I felt it with intensity every single day. But I could have done better.

Theresa, mom sure died knowing that I loved her. She had my heart and she knew it.

I hope one day that will be enough to help me find some peace. 

God Bless you all.

I have regrets of things I said to my Mom in her last days that I live with. But I know now thatI said them out of fear of losing her and I wanted her to try harder. Where she is now, she has a deeper understanding of what was in my heart when I said those words and I know she has forgiven me. What I have a hard time with is thinking if I had just done that, or just done this, Mom would still be alive. But I have the support of someone I trust who has told me I did everything right and it was just her time to go to the Lord.
Bluebell

I knew that I couldn't save mom. She had dealt with so many bouts with cancer. Her little body was just worn out. She had very bad COPD. She was having congestive heart failure almost weekly. She could not expel Co2. She put up an incredible fight, but it had to end.

The way my mom fought makes me not want to give up. She is still a tremendous inspiration to me.

People tell me you are just like your mom, and I couldn't be more flattered.

Weekends give me too much time to think, but I try to keep busy.

One of my patient's passed away yesterday and another is very sick with infection. It was a hard day of with anxiety and tears. 

Bluebell

Bluebell, you are a very strong person to do what you are doing.

God Bless you

Theresa, days off are always difficult for me, too. I remember when I could not wait for my days off and I hated to see them end. Now they give me too much time to think and to remember.

Bluebell, you are strong. This may sound strange but I envy you very much. You have an incredible purpose. You have the opportunity to touch lives every single day, and not just your care receiver, but the families that you work with. You have a calling. You are very blessed.

Right now my job is one of many triggers which bring on intense grieving for my Mom. I try to separate the two, but it is hard.

Bluebell

Blubell, after my mom died a neighbor went on hospice. She asked me to be her caretaker. It was not a pleasant experience. I had just disposed of the morphine and other medications that Hospice provided. The daily pill planner, the hospital bed, the oxygen tank. Once again those things were staring me right in the face. It was too much too soon. To this day it would still be hard for me to see those items. The DNR certificate, all of those things took me back to a difficult place. I never let her (Sue) see it but geez it hurt. I also knew that Sue was going to die, just like my mom did. I saw the way her kids loved on her but I knew that they would soon be facing the same thing  that I had just faced. I saw them argue with each other and even talk back to Sue, and I knew how much they would soon regret that.

I can certainly see how your job would be a trigger but I hope that you will face it head on as best you can. Some people have a job. I have a job. You have a calling. Believe me when I tell you that you are blessed. I am very proud of you. I know that your mom is proud of you, too.

Thank you Brett and Theresa. It takes a lot of courage for me  to do my job right now. I pray to God that he will help me find a place in my mind for all of it so that it becomes easier. 

Bluebell

Hi everyone well another day has passed we are all prepared for hurricane Irma we will not get the intensity that was expected. My Mom always wanted to stay put in her house during storms. I am glad that she does not have to deal with this one. I would have had to move her bodily to the safe haven of my home with my husband and I. I miss you everyday Mom and I love you!

My mom was both fascinated and frightened of storms. She never wanted for me to leave the house during a storm. If she were still alive she would be tracking Irma everyday. She would have sent me to the grocery store to get everything that we could possibly need. I miss that. Not that I liked for her to be scared. It was just so cute to see her prepare. All she needed was a little civil defense hat and a bullhorn.

God I miss her.

Thinking of you Janie and wishing you the best always

Bluebell

I am getting to know your Mom through you Brett and I am sure I would have respected and liked her very much.

Bluebell

Everyone loved her, Bluebell. Most of all me.

I had a very hard day today. My little dog had a very tense abdomen and decreased appetite. I was sure I was going to loose him. The blood work and x rays of his abdomen came back normal thank goodness. The vet suspects it is his back that is giving him pain as he does have a disc problem. He will get a steroid injection in the morning. I just can not stand the thought of losing my pup right now. He has helped me get through the bad times since Mom died. 

Bluebell

Bluebell

I've been there Bluebell. Just a few weeks ago. My little dog Krissy was in ICU for a week. I have two little dogs (sisters). They were my mom's dogs and they are such a big part of her. They had been my best friends throughout my mom's sickness. I could rarely leave the house but these two were always under me. Between mom and my little girls I never got lonely. 

It cost an arm and a leg but Thank God Krissy is okay now. She's right next to me right now. That week without her was horrible. I kept hugging her little dog blanket. And I kept wondering if she was scared and wondering where I was. Geez it broke my heart. But she did make it and she is sitting next to me right now. She and her sister Boo Bear will be 11 in November. I know I can't keep them forever but I thank God for this blessing.

One of the last things my mom said to me was, "Take care of my doggies." After mom died I put them up on her hospital bed. They stayed beside her until the funeral home came.

They have meant everything to me since mom passed. I can't imagine not having them. They are my best friends and a blessing from God.

I am so glad that your little buddy is well. God Bless You.

Bluebell and Brett my dog is my life right now, he is 10 and a English Labrador, he does pretty well, but I can see arthritis setting in.

I prayed to God please let him be with me in good health.

He loved my mom and he knew when she passed actually he knew the night before it was really unbelievable.

Our pets are a blessing and a comfort to us. Mine turned 11 in May. I was unbelievably scared when there was a possibility something was horribly wrong with him. 

Brett-I am so glad your Krissy came through her illness okay.

Theresa-My advise it to make sure your dog does not get over weight. It is so much harder on their joints if that happens. 

Bluebell

Theresa, how did your dog know?

I want to share a poem I wrote. I had gone to visit Krissy in ICU. I only visited once. I thought it might be too hard for both of us. I knew that if she saw me that she would have thought that she was coming home with me. When I saw her she was so happy. I had to leave for a few minutes to talk to the vet. When I came back, Krissy was in the back of the kennel trembling. She thought that I had left her. I loved on her but I couldn't calm her down. It reminded me so much of myself and what I was going through. This poem is from both my perspective and Krissy's.

The Trembling Dog:

Oh, mama. Why did you leave?

I am here alone. I don't know where you are.

Will you come back for me?

I don't know these people. Do they love me? Will they hurt me?

I only know home. I only know you.

My place is next to you. Sometimes I am bad but you forgive me.

Oh, mama. Why did you leave?

Is this my new home? Are these the people that I will see now?

Oh, mama. Why did you leave?

I saw you that day. You were talking to someone.

Were you talking about me? Did you know that I was there?

Did you know that I was frightened? Do you know that I am still frightened?

Oh, mama. Why did you leave?

You came to me. You called my name.

You held me close and told me that you loved me.

You told me to be good.

You left me.

Oh, mama. Why did you leave?

I trembled when you left. I was so sure that you were going to take me home.

I'm still here.

Oh, mama. Why did you leave?

Please come back, mama. I'll be good.

I'll do as I'm told.

Please, mama. Let me come home.

I can't get there by myself. I don't know the way. I would come to you if I could.

I forgive you for leaving me. Do you forgive me?

It's late now. I have to sleep. I'll dream about you mama.

Maybe tomorrow? Will you come for me?

Can I come home? This place is not mine.

My place will always be with you.

I love you, mama.

Why did you leave?

Bluebell, yes I'm trying to keep him lean, but labs love to eat!!!

Thank you

Brett, so each Sunday when we would visit my mom we brought the dog since he's been a puppy, he is now 10, so he used to jump out of the car and run in the house looking for my mom, she loved him.

So my mom died on Saturday morning so it was the Friday night before she passed.  I got in bed and my dog gets on his bed on the floor and he usually is asleep for the night until 6am, but this night he woke up at 1am staring at us from the foot of the bed so I got up and said you need to go out, I took him and once he got outside he just stared at nothing, I was like ok thats enough, brought him in and from 1am until my mom died at 8am the next day the dog walked and paced, would lay down and jump back up, then he would go in the corner lay down and jump up, it was almost like he knew something was wrong and my mom lived 30 minutes from me.  So the next morning I got her call that she was going to the hospital and the dog was very unsettled, so I left and after she passed I called my husband and told him so he called his mom to sit with the dog until we could get back because we thought he was sick.  So when we finally did get back we said to his mom was he stirring around, she said no ever since my husband left he layed down and went to sleep.  So from that day forward when we went to her house to clean out, we bought him just to see what he would do, we pulled up in the drive and opened the door for him to jump out and that he did but just stood there next to me, I said come on boy lets go inside, we went in and he never went around looking for her like usual.  It was unbelievable when I tell people they are like come on.  I said no, this dog never ever gets up at night, it was so erie, but it never sparked something in me that maybe I should call mom, because after all I just talked to her at 9pm before bed and she was ok like any other night.  

Brett my assumption is that he sensed something was wrong that night and if I knew my mom she probably up all night deciding on whether to call me or go to the hospital, but instead she waiting til morning.  She had a thing about calling people and people calling her at night with unsettling issues, because it would upset her.  I feel like I should have called her and sometimes I say gosh maybe if I would have said ok mom thats enough you have taken everything the dr told you to take and nothing is working and if I brought her to the hospital sooner.....but I will lean on my faith that it happened the was it was supposed to......

My mom did the same thing on many occasions. My career was with American Airlines. I often times would not get home till around 4:00 am. There were several times when my mom really needed to go to the hospital but she waited for me to get home. She had a medical alert button. All she had to do was push it. My mom was very regimented and never wanted to bother anyone. She even thought that she would be bothering the 911 people if she called. That was my mom.

I do believe your story about the dogs. They are very intuitive about things. Although, I have to admit, my dogs didn't seem to understand when my mom passed. They just curled up next to her and took a nap. I guess that is good. I am sad enough for all three of us.

It is another day and I am doing okay so far. How is everybody else?

Bluebell

Luisa

I am sorry for your recent  loss. It was very hard for me too Luisa to go through Mom's things. The hardest part was watching the boxes go out the door to be donated. I kept a few articles of her clothing and some other personal items. I am glad I did now, because they hold pleasant memories. My Mom passed away Feb. 14th 2017. I miss her so much.

Bluebell 

Keep them as long as you like. There is no hurry and no rule that you have to get rid of them. My Mom's things are part of what I have left of her. My sister and I still are hanging onto her house. I especially will find it hard to sell it. I am tearing up just thinking about it. If I were honest with my feelings, I would say what I really want is her back. But I can not have that. I pray that where she is now is a place of such peace and harmony, that she would be thinking " This is unbelievable!"

Bluebell

Luisa, I remember very well how hard it was to say goodbye to my mom's things. I tried to do it very quickly. The thing is, a year and a half later, I still find things. It is so hard.

I try to visualize it from another perspective. I can just imagine that if I had died first how hard it would have been for my mom if to go through my things. I can just see her going through my closet and crying. I know what I would say to her if I could. I would say, "Mom, these are just clothes and things that I collected. It's you that I love. Don't worry. You can't throw that away."

I am so sorry for your loss. I believe that your mom is young and healthy again. She has perfect vision. She will never be sick again. I believe that she is surrounded by people that she loves, most of all God. Your mom is fine. It's you that I am worried about. You have a broken heart. You are in good company here. If you ever want to talk just know that we are here. I will say a prayer for you tonight.

God Bless You. Love hurts. I can tell you this much. As sad as we are now, we would all go through it again. Our mom's were worth it.

Amen. And what would heaven be without our furry little friends? They sure know how to love, too.

My Mom is surrounded by cats. She loved them so much.

Bluebell

Another okay morning. Having a little anxiety and sadness, but it is not overwhelming. I should be grateful, but instead there is a sense of guilt.  

Bluebell

That guilt is completely natural. You don't want to let go of your mom. There's a part of me that feels like the day I stop grieving will be the day I truly say goodbye to her. 

Keeping you all in my prayers tonight.

Bluebell

Bluebell eventually the morning anxiousness does calm down, it took a while for me

I have been really busy at work doing overtime, it distracts me but exhausts me.

When I get in my car to go home I say ma I'm so tired..

Had better days than today.  My sister decides to move to my mom's native home for six months with her kids to renovate the house and in my head I'm yelling at her 'what's the use now. she's dead.' 

My mom had begged her while she was alive to come with the kids and stay for 6 months or a year with us while she's still alive but my sister would always make excuses. Keep in mind my mom was sick for three years.  And now she drops everything to go home and renovate an empty house?? I just don't understand!

I'm so angry but I don't want to say anything cause I don't feel like getting into an argument.

Am I being irrational? I just feel like they never made an attempt while my mom is alive and the anger is killing me and will probably ruin my relationship with my sisters.  Its becoming more evident that I'm the only one that truly cared about Mom.

Crystal, you know that you are not being the least bit irrational. My mom died on Christmas Eve. We all knew that it would be mom's last Christmas. She called him and asked him when he was coming. He said, "I'm not. My roommate is going home for Christmas and someone needs to stay here and take care of the dogs." I will never forget the look on my mom's face when he said that. 

I'm still pissed off. There is nothing irrational about it. At the same time I should warn you, being angry at your sister will only make the pain worse. Some feelings are just natural. The anger I feel towards my brother and sister may be warranted, and I am angry, but I wish that I was not. There is not a thing in the world to be gained from our anger. And if your mom is anything like my mom, she would want you to be as close to your sister as possible.

There is another hard reality about anger in times like this. It will not/cannot bring our mom's back. That's the heartbreaker in all of this.

Morning anxiety is horrible for me as well. I go to bed feeling anxious just because I know that morning is my next stop.

God Bless You, Crystal. You are in my prayers.

Theresa

I am doing my best to have faith that the anxiety will lessen. I find that staying busy helps, but I run out of things to do that distract me or hold my interest. I guess all I can do is keep trying.

Bluebell

Today we moved everything out of Mom's apartment. It has uncovered a new layer of grief and I am utterly exhausted. My house and garage are in complete disarray with boxes everywhere. I feel so bogged down with things and things to to. I have been crying almost all day. And my thinking feels very slow, almost like I can't think at all at times. I can't make decisions very well. This week I will have to pick up Mom's remains and death certificates and start dealing with her financial affairs. And there is the obituary and the memorial service to do. Please pray for me, I am overwhelmed.

Prayers sent. God Bless you and give you strength and peace.