Brett you are right in what you say.

My mom always told me when you pray to the blessed mother she will go to her son to help you and what son could refuse his mother??

I think about that often. 

Brett also yes I also believe we will not see God, we will be in front of Jesus

My job is a distraction for me also, but I'm dreading winter, I am a summer person.

Jesus said that God is spirit. I use to think of God as being a grandfather like figure. Now I think of him as being an incredible array of colors and light, colors that don't even exist here. I believe that seeing God would be seeing love itself. I'm not even sure what that means but I believe that heaven is the very essence of God.

What a wonderful place for our moms to be. I know that's where I want to be, experiencing that with my mother, knowing that everything bad that happened here has passed away. Just imagine. No more doubts. Just eternal love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

I really hate the unpredictability of grief. Some days I'm doing ok, while I think of mama on a constant basis (she's been gone only 3 months), I can usually go about my day even though I am just going through the motions. Then bang, like this morning, the depression comes out of nowhere and feel like I can't function. I just don't want this to get worse as time goes on. I really hope this time next year and God willing I'm still alive, I will be closer to accepting my situation.

My mom seemed to me to be very strong. She had lots of hardship and adversity, but she always managed to smile. I'm different from her that way because I barely smile now and it takes so much effort. She was always such a big influence on me that when her light left, I was plunged in darkness.

For me Joy, the intensity of my grief and depression was often paralyzing during the 1st 3 months. I honestly did not know the true meaning of suffering and loss until then. Now I am at 6 months. Though I still have many dark days, at least I am more accepting of my grief and more willing to do what ever it takes to survive this. I want to remain hopeful and not be crushed forever by the loss of my Mom.

Bluebell 

Joy, I felt every word that you wrote. Lord knows, I am living the same reality.

My minister asked me to have faith. We have to believe that God is walking with us step for step. Even after a year and a half I still have an eye aimed towards heaven. That is where my hope lies.

It is dark in here. There has to be a light switch somewhere. Never stop looking for it.

Who knows what life will be like for you a year from now? I just pray that something much bigger than us is working on our behalf. Don't give up.

I had almost three years to prepare for my mom's passing. I saw changes in her occur gradually during that time. I could still make her laugh, but I noticed that with the dementia, her overall personality was different. She was more low key, very quiet.  That was hard to adjust to because she was always upbeat or nagging me about something.

I don't know what would have been worse, for God to take her after a long illness or to take her quickly. To me either scenario is bad and even though I knew it was coming, I wasn't prepared. I'm still not prepared and some days I'm in shock and can't believe that she's really gone.

Mama used to tell me how happy she was to see me after I got home from work because I brought life to our house. I felt the same way about her and the house seems dead without her in it. I haven't even been out in our backyard where she used to do the gardening this year. I can't bring myself to go out there.

Joy. I thought I would be prepared too and just accept Mom's passing as a normal cycle of living. I have been dealing with life and death as a Hospice RN for many years. But as I have found out, I was wrong. Her death has rattled me to the core.

Bluebell

Bluebell, earlier in life I thought seriously about entering the medical profession as a career. I took a different path though. I'm sure you're very compassionate to the people who you provide care to, but you are a daughter first when it comes to your mom, so I am not surprised to hear how hard it's been for you. You love her and it hurts like hell to lose her.

Theresa for me, I think either situation, like in your case an unexpected death or a prolonged illness with the same outcome, I would have grieved hard either way just because of who my mom was to me.

Full disclosure: at the time that I was caregiving, I ran myself ragged doing everything I could for her to make her comfortable. As time progressed and with my own health issues, the situation became more and more of a burden to me. I loved my mom with all my heart and putting her in a nursing home was a no can do.  At the time, I thought it was cruel that God kept her here in her state - she was completely disabled: couldn't walk, couldn't see well, couldn't take care of basic bodily functions. I was really at my wit's end. I also felt selfish because I wanted to have my life back. Oh how I regret those feelings today. While as Bluebell stated earlier, I had not known pain and suffering like that until she died and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I would give up everything to be able to see my mom again and hear her voice and I mean those words sincerely.

Also, I really thought my mom was going to make it when she was in the emergency room, she was awake at first, talking and looking around. Everything went downhill when they were doing compression and then  had to intubate her. It upsets me to relive those moments so I'm going to end here...

Teresa I was a caregiver also and did not expect my Mom to pass away unexpectedly. I know my grief is on and off and can hit me unexpectedly. I thought I was doing so well and then to see my mom's house vacant through me into a talispin. I love her so much! I have never experienced a love like I had for my Mama!

It will never go away until the day I am joined with her again. I do hope that god puts us together again. As always I love you Mama!

Theresa, I have no idea. It is so hard either way. I remembered something today. It may help you (I hope). In my mom's last days, her sisters would call and tell her that they loved her over and over again. They never knew if that time would be the last time that they would have the chance to talk to her. My mom, believe it or not, would roll her eyes as they talked. She knew that they loved her. She had no doubt that they loved her. She had spent a lifetime with them. That they loved her was never even in question.

Saying the words made me feel better. Saying thank you made me feel better, but my mom knew. She always knew. How could she not have known how much I loved her?

Your mom knew. I guess the books would say that I got some closure by saying goodbye. Well, let me tell you something. There is no closure on my part. That door is wide open. 

Joy said it best. It's who our moms were to us that will dictate the amount of pain that we feel. The how mom died is over. It's that she is dead that stays with me. 

You can't prepare for the death of your mom. At least I couldn't. I tried. I lived in so much fear of my moms death. I couldn't even so much as watch television with her without knowing that she would die soon. Every night I would kiss her and tell her that I loved her. I could not know for sure if she would be alive in the morning. Sometimes when she was asleep I would just sit at the side of her bed and cry. I knew that I would have to say goodbye to her and it was more than I could bear.

Still, that last moment. As soon as I knew that she was gone, there was no preparing for that. I told her that I loved her a million times. it wasn't enough. I had hugged her a million times. It wasn't enough. This time when I squeezed her hand she did not squeeze back. There is no preparing for that. There was no more eye contact. In a split second she was a million miles away.

There is no way around that kind of pain.

The biggest misconception I had before my mom's death was that I would only have to experience the death of my mother once. I was so wrong. I relive it and feel it every day.

Brett, yes she knew I loved her, thank you

You were so fortunate to be able to be right there with your mom and tell her how much you loved her, Im' sure it made her journey much more peaceful.

But you are right death is final, that's the hard part.

My mom used to tell me she would say honey I lived my life  you have to live yours, but she didn't tell me it would be so hard.  She did tell me that after her mom died, she had a very difficult time.  She said I don't know if you will or not, and I was thinking how could she even think that, I got sick, I had to see my dr for medication for my severe anxiety, that was crippling. 

And you are right nothing can prepare you for the death of your mom.

Maybe we will never have closure, we will just live our lives because we have to and maybe one day the grief will be lifted.

I miss helping my Mom get out of bed in the morning and ready for her day. I miss seeing her at the dining room table eating her breakfast and reading the newspaper. I miss wrapping her neck in a warm towel to ease her neck stiffness and pain. I bet she does not miss her time on this earth, but I sure miss her.

Bluebell

Theresa, as much as I loved my mom, we had some differences. I was a part of her and I loved her with all of my heart but she had her way of handling things and I had mine. When I told my mom how much I would miss her she would just say, "Brett, you have to live your life." She knew there was nothing that she could do for me after she was gone, but more than that, she didn't totally understand why it would all be such a problem for me.

My mom handled the loss of her mother very well. She knew that grandma had lived a wonderful and loving life. She knew that grandma was in heaven. That was enough for her.

That is probably the way it should be. That's just not who I am. What is happening to me was inevitable. Even before mom died I could see it coming. It was like standing in front of an approaching train.

Life circumstances have a lot to do with this. My mother was a single mom who had to learn how to stand on her own two feet. She had built a wonderful career that gave her so much pleasure and pride. She didn't retire until she was 78, and she didn't want to retire then. She was just too sick to keep working.

Mom did soften on Hospice care. She was a very independent woman. Suddenly she needed me by her side all of the time. I was more than happy to be there for her. She let her guard down and let me care for her completely. For once, my mom had to let someone else take the reins. That changed our relationship. It's almost like mom couldn't believe that I would be so devoted to her. I believe that it touched her greatly. She should have known all along.

I am not in anyway implying that my mom had been a cold woman. She had great empathy for others. It's just that life had made her very strong and self reliant. She had to be  to raise four children on her own.

This is how circumstances can change the dynamic of grieving. I do not have four children to take care of. I don't have any. I never had to be self reliant because mom had always been there for me to make sure that I would be okay. I did have a great career but I gave that up to become mom's caretaker. I'm not married. There are some who would say that did I this to myself. I put myself in a position to fail after mom's death. Well, I tell you what, I would do it all over again. I just wanted to be by my mom's side.

That is the direction that life took me. I also know that God lets us make our own choices. I made mine.

That worked very well for a long, long time. Now I am a ship without a rudder. Sometimes when I pray I apologize to God for putting my mom first in life. Mom was my rock. Now I feel guilty because, when I think about death, I think about being with mom. That's not the way it is supposed to be. Heaven isn't about my mom.

I do think that God understands though. Mom was all that I had. I didn't just lose my best friend, mom, constant companion, greatest advocate, etc. I lost the person who held it all together. That is why it is so hard for me to put one foot in front of the other. I am just now learning to walk on my own, and I do not like the view from here. I'm not even sure that I want to be a part of what's going on in the world. It seems like a pretty cold place.

And beyond all of that... I just plain miss my mom. I miss her period. The prospect of going through life without her just pretty much sucks.

I have no choice though. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can only pray that God is with me and that he will help me right the ship. I keep thinking of the line in the bible where Jesus asks Peter if he wants to leave him. Peter said, "Lord, where else would we go?"

For so many years of my life it was all about mom. Now it is all about God. I have always been a Christian but mom was my rock. This has been my wake-up call. I hope I'm not too late.

Bluebell, a men to all of the things that you wrote. I miss taking care of my mom so much. Every act of caretaking was just another way of saying, "I love you mom. Thank you for everything."

Brett its not too late, after my mom passed I went to confession and the look on my face must have showed my anguish, the priest said to me God is right beside you......  :) !

Thank you Mama for all the blessings you gave me to make my life easier. I would of course rather have you here with us. Your grandchildren miss and love you. I hope that my daughter has as much love for me as I did for you!! Sunday will already be two months since you passed. I hope everyone is having a peaceful evening ! All our Mom's love us and God bless you all in my prayers ! Janie

God bless you to Janie.

Brett

I feel your pain and how difficult it is for you to make this transition. It is not easy. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. God will guide you and help you find the strength to find meaning in your life again. It will happen.

Bluebell

Theresa, I will always wonder what is happening when I pray. There's a lot that we just can't see. He may very well be sitting right next to me when I am so brokenhearted. Jesus said that he and his father would make their home with the broken hearted. All of the answers that we are looking for are just on the other side of a very thin veil.

Bluebell, I want to believe you. It's hard to find a purpose when I keep losing so much of myself. I am not the same person that I was. If I make it through this it will only be by the grace of God.

I'll be honest. After mom died I became very involved with an organization that helped the homeless. Their stories were all so sad. Families sleeping in their cars in the winter time. They would park in a grocery store parking lot until the police chased them away. That would happen a couple of time a night. They would turn the heat on for a minute or two and then they would have to turn it off to save gas. Many of those people are Christian. They have tremendous faith and they are getting help now. Still, listening to them, I couldn't help but wonder how far God would let me fall before he helped me. That might be selfish but I couldn't help but wonder. I have a very cautious walk of faith. I am no better than those folks are. I want to believe that God is helping me and I really feel like he is. I'm just scared. Jesus said that there is enough to worry about today without worrying about tomorrow. Well, believe me. I worry about tomorrow. I am ashamed to admit that.

Bluebell, you experienced something that has always been a curiosity to me. You are a Hospice nurse, but as much as you can love and care for your patients, there will always be that degree of separation. You know. When it comes to your own mom it takes on a whole new meaning.

I guess that is good. You would go crazy if you had the same reaction to the death of a patient that you did when you lost your mom.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are people all over the country who are sleeping peacefully tonight, but sooner or later something will happen that will shake your foundation to the core.

As much as I care about the homeless families that I have worked with, I still go home at the end of the night and crawl into my own bed. I have told friends that I am so sorry about the loss of their moms, and then I went home and watched television with my mom.

It all took on a whole new meaning when it happened to me.

You are right. Though I have compassion and empathy for my patient's and their families, there is a separation that makes it possible for me to function as a nurse. That is the way it should be. Do I worry about them and wonder what more I could do to ease their emotional and physical pain? Yes, yes, yes. Does it sometimes keep me up at night or do I think about my patient's and their families during the day? Yes, yes, yes. Do I mourn when they pass away? You bet. But the intensity is not there because the only history I have with them is sometimes a day, a week or months. It was not from birth like I had with my Mom.

If I had been your Mom's Hospice nurse, I am sure during the time I took care of her, I would have loved you both. I would have wanted to ease your emotional pain of your impending loss, but I know that would not be possible. All I could do would be to support you while you are going through it. What you did for your Mom was a very unselfish thing. You allowed her to be with you at home and when it was time, you let her go. Where she is , she is fine. We are the ones that are hurting. I think during this grieving process, there come a time where we realize that we will always miss them, but we must go on. It is human nature to want to survive and that is what we are doing. I pray that all of us have moments of peace, no matter how short those moments may be. I pray that those moments of peace gives us hope that there will be more to come. 

Bluebell

After my mom died, and I mean directly after, I started caring for a neighbor who had just started Hospice. She asked me to do for her what I did for my mom. That was impossible. I did what I could.

I wish peace for all of us as well. Peace is so elusive. I don't think it is a matter of God denying us peace. I know that in my case it is a matter of denying myself peace. 

I have many reasons to be scared right now. I have never gone into those reasons on this site. If ever there was a time that I needed my mom it is right now. That's not possible. I pray so much.

I don't know what each of your own personal battles with grief are like. I wish you all well. I wish that I could find the words that would make everyone here feel better. I can't even find the words to make myself better.

Geez I love my mom. You guys know sure know that feeling. We're in this together. I'll keep praying for us all. Where there is faith there is hope.

" Where there is faith, there is hope." I wish faith and hope came in pill form so I could take a daily dose as needed.

Bluebell

I hear ya.

Ya know something that kind of makes me sad? Since joining this community, starting therapy, and just being more open with people about my struggle, well... more people know about my struggle, but it has not changed anything. That is not meant to be a shot at anyone. It just means that there is nothing on earth that I can do to bring my mom back. That is a problem that just can't be fixed. That is the core of our grief. We reach out but our moms can't reach back. There are times in life when we just need our moms. What a sad twist of fate it is that we need them the most after they die.

I keep thinking of the line from Winnie the Pooh. It was something like, "If you live to be 100 years old, I want to live to be 100 years old minus one day. That way I will never have to spend a day without you."

Losing my mom has been a sad reality. We sure can't get time back. It's hard to imagine that there was a time when I could call my mom on the phone or just hug the snot out of her. It wasn't that long ago but it feels like an eternity ago.

Today I had a meeting with my minister. He invited me to the church for they laying on of hands. It was he and one other minister. I really appreciated it. There was one set of hands missing though. I wish that I could have felt my moms hands on my shoulders, too.

He was trying to explain to me that my mom is still aware of me. He told me that my mom is a part of God now and that they share the same heart. He told me that because God is sad for me, that my mom is sad for me as well. I would like to say that it helped to hear that. Maybe it did at the time. There are no words that I have heard that can truly console me. They may exist but I have not heard them yet. I feel like I am a million light years away from my mom, and I don't know how to find her. There was a time when she would be sitting right next to me now. 

When mom would leave me a not like, "Gone to the store. Be back soon.", I was cool with that. I knew where she was and that she would be home soon. Now I feel like I have received this note, "Gone to heaven. I won't be coming back."

Am I happy that my mom is in heaven? Absolutely. I just wish that she could have taken me with her.

Grieving the loss of my Mom has and is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The sadness is so overwhelming at times, I can barely breath. I wish someone could take my pain away. But all they can do is listen and support me the best that they can. This wound will never totally heal. It will develop a scab and then seem to heal, but a thought or an incident will open it up again. I am trying my best to live with this reality. What is interesting is that I have always been afraid to upset my Mom. So I rarely did I go to her with my problems because I did not expect her to be able to comfort me emotionally. But she was always around to take care of us the best she could. I love her for that and I miss her with all my heart. Even though she was emotionally fragile, she was able to function well despite this. To me, this made her strong of character. I admire her for this and I want to be like her. During this intense grief period, I am doing my best to be a functional adult while I am experiencing and accepting the pain of losing her.

Bluebell

I think that you have a very good handle on the reality of grief. I think it is nice to hear someone say, "I am learning to accept the loss of my mother." It would be another thing entirely to hear someone say, "I am over the loss of my mother. I have moved on." I think there may be some fools gold to that. If any of you are anything like me, there are going to be times when we will remember our moms, and that's going to hurt badly. The goal for me is to find a measure of peace and to be able to lead a productive life. I will never, "be over" the loss of my mom. We were salt and pepper. I lost a great big part of myself the day mom died. I can get some of it back (hopefully). I can never get all of it back. There are going to be days when all I want to do is be with my mom. I guess the key is to be able to say, "I can't be with mom but I will be okay. I can do this."

I never really had emotional heart to heart conversations with my mom about my everyday problems. Mom and I were very different in some regards. To be honest, sometimes I knew exactly what her advice would have been, I didn't agree with it, I didn't want to hear it, and I didn't want to argue about it." But what separated my mom from everyone else that I know is that she always had my back. I could screw up. She would be angry at me, but she would still stand behind me 100%. That unconditional love was always there. I was always her son and she was always my mom.

Even our conversations about her impending death were not always peaceful for me. She would say things like, "Brett, people die. You have to move on. Live your life." Sometimes though it is not the words that are said. The eye contact. Just a look that she would give me could melt my heart. She was worried about leaving me. She knew that I was worried about being without her. Some of those moments will always be frozen in time.

Theresa, I say that prayer every night. I would love to have a happy dream about my mom. More than that I wish that I could have one of those dreams where I would be convinced that it was actually my mom.

I listened  to my mom's advice in those last days, but I never really believed the sincerity of it. I'm sure that she meant it. It's just that if the roles had been reversed; if I had been in that hospital bed instead of her, I'm not sure that she could have taken her own advice.

I don't want you to spiral down either. I would ask you to count your blessings. Ask yourself if you can still live a productive life with the blessings that you have at hand. Ask yourself if you can one day live with only the memory of your mom and the knowledge that she will always love you. And always remember that you will see her again.

Brett yes I can and I will see her again, we will all see our moms again.

Mom. I love you and miss you. I hate waking up in the morning without you to take care of. I feel lost and alone. I wish I could turn back time. But I can not and I am grieving your loss. I also wish the Lord would grant me just a little bit of time with you again. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel like everything is okay. I want this feeling of emptiness and heaviness in my gut and chest to go away. I cry tears for you now. Even when the tears do not flow, I still cry for you everyday.

Love,

Your youngest daughter, Bluebell 

I feel the exact same way. The separation from my mom is far and away the worst thing I have ever experienced. As much as I loved my mother in life, you can never truly appreciate what it is like to be without someone until you lose them. When mom was alive I had terrible fear because I knew this day would come, but I still had her at the time. I could still hug her and tell her that I loved her, and I could hear those words in return. Now all I can do is look up to heaven and say those words. 

Today is Labor Day. It really never has been a significant holiday other than time off work. But this year it is different. The holiday has brought on the tears of loss. I am not sure why. I guess I do not have to know why. What I think is more important is to acknowledge the sadness and that it is okay to feel this way. What is one of the hardest things for me to do is remember I will eventually not feel so overwhelmed with grief; that I do have some time when I am at least okay. To me, to say I am okay and mean it is good enough. 

Bluebell

Theresa

I hope the intensity of your grief has lessened at least a little over time.

Bluebell

Bluebell, yes it does, the best way to put it is it gets "softer" but she will always be on my mind forever, I still miss her, seeing her face, hearing her voice on the phone when I call ten times a day, it was like I had to re-model my life, I feel so lonely sometimes, she was all I really had, she had me late in life, when she was 42, my brother was 17 at the time, so he and I are not close. 

Someone made a comment to me they thought my mom was like the energizer bunny, they thought she would just keep going.  It was very shocking to everyone that knew her, especially me.

My dad was very ill, so I prayed for God to take him, it was expected when he died, I think when it is unexpected, its like somebody put a wool hat over my entire head, that is how I felt.

Panic/anxiety and fear all at once. 

I am doing better, but I feel like I could go right back to that state if I don't keep moving forward.

I hope you are doing a bit better, it does take time a long time.

Theresa,

I miss her every day and grieve her loss. Sometimes I still feel the same intensity of sadness that I had in the first few months. But thank the Lord it does not remain at that same horrible level 24/7 like it did. 

Holidays and other memories or events bring back the initial intensity. But thank the Lord again, it does get "softer" again.

Bluebell

Theresa, it's hard to put the feeling into words but I wonder if your feelings are similar to mine. First, I just can't accept that my mom is dead. I mean, I know she is dead, but for me the memories are so fresh. I am so use to having her here with me. It's as if my brain can't download the fact that mom is gone. It's as if she could be in the next room, but she is not.

Secondly, the anxiety and panic that I feel. It's always bad but it is especially bad in the morning. I will wake up at some point, too early, and I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. It is gut wrenching anxiety, nervousness, and just a sick feeling of death. I don't know what I am dreaming about but it can't be good. Sometimes I will get up for a while and then try to go back to bed. Right before I fall back asleep I will remember something about my mother being gone and I will wake up again. Going back to sleep rarely happens.

I knew that being without mom would be incredibly hard but I thought that I would be more sad than anxious. I am both, but the anxiousness is off of the charts, and I am tired of it. I will always miss my mom but I am ready for the anxiousness to leave me alone.

I know that I do so much of this to myself but I can't hide from those deep inner feelings that keep coming back to bite me. I pray so much for strength and peace. It's been almost two years for me as well. It hasn't gotten better. You have to figure that at some point the feeling will begin to soften. I can't imagine when that will be.

Bluebell, even though my mom died on Christmas Eve, I can't say that I feel worse during the holidays. To be honest it's the everyday times with mom that I miss the most. If mom were alive right now she would be in her room watching, "Everybody Loves Raymond." The dogs would take turns visiting each of us. Now her room is dark and quiet. That's what hurts. It's like she was just here and now it's like she is a million miles away. I just can't wrap my brain around that. The finality of death is overwhelming. When it finally sinks in that never means never, not in this life anyway, that's when it really hurts the most.

I am so sorry Brett. The sadness is bad enough, but to have anxiety and panic too seems like too much to bear. How are you getting through it? Have you thought of asking your Doctor for medication to soften your feelings to a more tolerable level?

Bluebell

Thank you, Bluebell. There is just so much more that is going on in my life right now, and sometimes it is way too much. What brings me to tears is that my mom would have walked along side of me through all of this. That's not possible now. That just makes it hurt so much more. I miss her so much more.

I have just started to scratch the medical option. SSRI's do not work for me. Therapy has not worked. I was referred to someone new recently. I have an appointment with her on the 19th. Maybe she can help. I am not your typically depressed person. It's not really depression that I am dealing with. It's anxiety.

I pray a lot.  I want to share a quote with you. I don't know who initially wrote this. "It is our mistakes that lead us to God. We come to divine union not by doing it right but by doing it wrong."

I have made a lot of mistakes in life. Not the usual ones. I've never drank or used drugs. I have never even had a speeding ticket. I just feel a lot of guilt. I feel like I could have done more for my mom and I also could have taken better care of myself. Here is another quote: "We are not punished for our sins. We are punished by our sins." I don't think that I prepared myself well for this day. I let time slip away. We can't get time back. We have to learn how to move forward. I have not learned how to do that.

I miss, Joy. I hope that she is doing well. God Bless you, Joy.

May God Bless All of You.

God bless you too Brett.

Bluebell

Brett, yes I feel that way too, its the anxiousness its awful.

You know what might help I practice Hatha yoga in a 110 degree studio, I started ten years ago, and after my mom died it really helped, because it quiets the mind. 

My anxiousness was like yours, I woke up in the middle of the night and in the morning with that horrible feeling, it was a vicious cycle which I did to myself.

SSRI's are not great for me, but my dr gave me a pediatric dose of the same one I took when my dad died, he keeps telling me the childs dose is not enough, but maybe it was psychologically, but it got me over the hump. Now I am done with it.

and my faith has also gotten me through, but like I said, I feel like I could spiral down if I let myself, but I am not going to.

Hey Oatmeal, thanks for the well-wishes. I'm doing ok. I hope you are ok. I still read the posts periodically, but I want to use the time I have as a means to get closer to God because Mama is not coming back to me. I'm going to have to meet up with her in her new home. I'm not missing out on that.

Through my difficulties, I'm learning firsthand that God can use something as devastating as death and bring something good out of it. Mama's been gone almost 4 months. I thought this aloneness was the absolute worse thing that can happen to me, but I know God is using it and working and preparing me for something. I think he has some good things in store for you as well.

The time we chatted, I felt that you have a ministry that you are not currently aware of. I believe God will make it known to you, just keep your faith. In one of your earlier posts, I think you said you feel rudderless without your mom to depend on. I feel the same way. However, I know that God will allow this to make us reach out to Him. We're like babies learning how to walk for the first time. They never take their eyes off their parents who are rooting for them to walk.  I also think about the Apostle Peter when he saw Jesus walking on water, the Lord bid him to come and he did. As soon as he took his eyes off of Jesus, that is when he began to sink. Keep your eyes on the Lord no matter what and even though you might fall, He'll pick you up.

Joy, there is something. Something that the Lord wants from me. I haven't figured out what that something is yet. I have tremendous empathy and flat out love for people who need help. There is another saying, "Preach always. Sometimes use words." I am rudderless. I want the Lord to use me. I hope that he will show me the way.

I understand what you are saying about spending your time with God. I need to be closer to him. My mom was my rock for so long that I think I took my relationship with God for granted. I feel very guilty about that now.

I feel guilty about a lot of things. I want to share this with this group. When I was, I think 15, it was Christmas eve. We were driving home from my grandmas house. I was going through my smart ass stage. I got into an argument with my mom about something. I don't remember what it was. I can pretty much guarantee you that I was in the wrong. I became really mad at my mom. At some point I told my mom to, "Go to Hell." I told MY mom to go to Hell. And I said it to her on Christmas eve. I will never forgive myself for that. I had forgotten about it. I want to apologize to my mom so badly. I can't She's gone. I can't say those words to her now. I can say it to the sky. I can pray for forgiveness but I will never be able to tell my mom to her face that I am so sorry.

I want to find my place in this life but first I have to learn how to make peace with myself. I have a long way to go.

Your reminder of Peter's story is a constant part of my life. Peter denied Jesus three times. I can only imagine the guilt that he felt. It was misplaced. The Lord had forgiven him even before he had said those words. Later the Lord asked Peter if he loved him three times. He gave him the opportunity to ease his conscience and to know that he was forgiven. There is a lot to learn there. I'm trying.