Thank you Theresa. It is hard for me to accept I am still grieving her loss so much. But I am still going to try and inch forward little by little and have more "okay" times. I think my Mom would want that. I can not stay in this depressive and anxious state. I need to start defining what my life is and will be without my Mom and frame it more positively. All I can do is try my best.

Peaceful days ahead for all of us.

Bluebell

Bluebell, thank you for posting the comment about having a mother that loved you, food to eat, and your family.  I too am luck to have/have had those things.  Your comment reminded me of what I have to be thankful for.  Christine

Hi everyone! Today was a stressful day for me. I found a great website it is called Soul Proof .com.  Bluebell I thought about you as I was reading different things on after death experiences. Both times my daughter and I have been together in her home my daughter's phone rings and says her Mother is calling and I look at my phone and my daughter's number has been dialed. I have been waiting to feel the love and hugs and emotions from my Mom. I take this as one of them as my daughter and I are very close. If you have not looked at the website take a look and see if there is anything useful in it for anybody. Have a good night! I love you Mama as always.

By her home I meant my Mom's.

Christine and Janie. Thank you both for your comments

Bluebell

I am feeling sad and alone. The positive thing is that I am still alive and have the chance to recover from the loss my dear Mom. Yesterday I had some relief from the sadness and anxiety during the time I was involved with a difficult situation at work. I find this encouraging and I am going to try and hang on to that.

My heart goes out to all of you who are grieving the loss of your mothers. It takes a lot of courage to get through this very hard time in our lives. 

Bluebell

Ditto your comments about being sad and alone Bluebell. I'm not sure I would call it courage to go through grief, as I have no choice. None of us would choose this for ourselves. I get what you mean though because I could always commit suicide as the easy way out, but is that really the answer? NO it is not. Not to say the thought has not crossed my mind. I'm a reluctant griever, meaning that I'm still trying to hold onto my mother. I guess I'm still in the denial phase.

I agree, Theresa. I don't feel very brave. In fact I feel cowardly. The thought of going through life without my mom scares me to death.

I agree that suicide may be a way out. I just don't think that it could ever be an easy way. I think it would be an incredibly frightening thing to do. I want to meet God one day, but I don't want to meet him that way. I want to be with my mom. I want that with all of my heart. I just don't know the short way to getting there.

I could not be a more reluctant griever. All I want to do is hold on to my mom and beg her to stay with me for a while longer. She is already gone though. There is nothing that I can do about that. My hope is to one day get past my own grief and to just be happy for her that she is in heaven and too know that she will never be sick again. The next time that we see our moms we will never have to say goodbye again. 

I apologize, Joy. I thought I was replying to Theresa.

I think it does take courage to grieve. We could just walk around like everything is okay. But we choose instead to be real and share our feelings of loss with others who are going through the same thing.

I do not think any of us are in denial. We know our Mom's are gone and it hurts. Yes, I want my Mom back. I want to connect with her more than I can express. But I can not have that. So I cry at about the reality of her death and I admit I miss her.

Bluebell 

Bluebell, I feel the same way, sometimes I say mom I hope you can hear me.

I wish just for a moment I could hear or see her smiling face.

But like you said we cannot....

Bluebell, I do agree with you. Sometimes it takes courage just for a grieving person to go to work each day, or the store. People who have lost a spouse may have to learn how to pay the bills, cook, take care of the kids, get a fulltime job. When you are grieving you may not want to try new things. You are so wounded that you may not want to go out on a limb and take a chance. The balance of your world has been shattered.

It also really bothers me that it can be so hard to find a listening ear. Death can be a hard subject to tackle. Many folks either don't want to talk about it, or they just don't want to hear your problems. People may be so wrapped up in their own lives that they cannot see beyond their own protected world.

I think that we should all help our brothers and sisters, but my grandpa used to say, "Those who have more should give more." Sometimes people who are truly blessed with so much are the least to lend a helping hand. They have theirs.

Grief has been eye opening for me. Not a whole lot of it has been good. Maybe the best thing about the process is that our moms are now in heaven. That doesn't always mean easy skating for the loved ones who have been left behind. We take a lot and I mean a lot of falls.

Theresa, that is the kicker in all of this. The finality of death can be devastating. There are many who never recover, who can never say goodbye. They just deal with the pain as best they can.

My mom and I were two peas in a pod. She was 31 years older than me, but the age difference didn't matter because she and I always felt that had I been born around the time she was born, we would have been lifelong friends.

I cannot remember a time I wasn't close to my mom. I think being the baby of the family had something to do with it. After my grandma died, mama was able to take me with her to work as they had a daycare directly next door to her office and I can remember crying my heart out when I had to separate from her the first day. The teacher let me pass out the snacks to the other kids to console me and then I was fine.

Mama told me she felt something strange (she couldn't really describe it) happen in her body when she was pregnant with me. She described it as us being knit together. I take special comfort in that thought but it also tears me up because we've been separated. Even though it's temporary and I know I'll see her again, I still hate that death took her away.  I hate the heartache that never goes away. I hope I don't have to wait too long before I see her again. She had to wait 43 years before she could be reunited with her mom. Right now, the thought that I could live another 30-40 years before I saw my mom again makes me nuts.

She was such an integral part of my life, everything reminds me of her. Movies we watched together, songs we listened to on the radio, when I go to Walmart, I think of my mom browsing around. I remember the fun we had during family trips we took. I won't be able to do anything with her again and I'm not sure how long I can handle that. I can go into her bedroom and not completely break down now, although her scent is still there. I can still smell the shampoo on her pillow. Now I visit mama and daddy's graves every two weeks. They finally installed her headstone, so I can put some fresh flowers there next time I go.

I cannot wait for our reunion because I know it will be great! It just sucks waiting for that day. God give me strength until then!

God is with us all suicide is not what our Moms would have wanted us to do! It is devastating to lose our parents! You feel like an orphan. We must go on for our parents and children and grandchildren. As always I love you Mama and miss you so much!

There are so many times I think I need your advice and you were my best friend and confidant I have no one to vent too.

Mom was 89 I am 68 .

My mom was 92 active, just leased a new car, met her friends everyday at the lunch spot and went to church every morning at 7am

This is her at 91 right before she left for church...

I am 52

Joy, your post was beautiful I was the baby, too. I was also very sick when I was born. I could not digest food. Mom was told that I likely would not make it. I did make it. Mom was always very protective of me after that. My mom and dad divorced when I was six. He was never a part of our lives after that. I became my mom's lifelong companion. I never married. I never wondered too far away from my mom. When she moved to another town, I followed.

The things you wrote about Walmart, watching television, all of it. My mom always cooked on Sundays. Man I miss that. There is nothing about her that I do not miss. When mom was on hospice, I moved to her room to be close to her hospital bed. I still sleep there. At first, after she died, that was comforting to me. It made me feel closer to her to be in her room. It's not so comforting anymore. I realize that I had sort of a false security. When someone is gone they are gone.

I have some weird anxiety triggers. Right now I am having so much trouble thinking about my mom's body lying in her grave. That preserved, yet decomposing body. That kills me. I know she's not there but it is still hard to think of her lifeless body.

I think this should be mentioned. Intense grief can lead to clinical depression. Many of us are not just dealing with the loss of our moms. We are dealing with clinical depression. That makes things so much worse. We just don't have a fair chance to heal.

What is also very strange is that I am not sure that we all want to heal. If getting better means coming to terms with the fact that we will never see our moms again... that is asking a lot. Just like when my mom was sick, I still continue to cling to my hope. Hope for what? I don't know. She's not coming back. I can't stand the idea of my mom becoming a memory of the past. I still wish that she was an active daily part of my life. I know I can't have that but all of this grief makes that as possible as it can be. I am still holding on to her. Hard to let go. Too hard.

Also, Joy, like you, I admit that I would rather be with her in heaven. The thought of living another 30 or 40 years breaks my heart. I have prayed to God many times and have asked him to take me. I wish that I could give my life for someone else who is dying. Someone else's mom. It's like being next to mom was my natural place. Now that she is gone I feel like I do not have a natural place in this world. That has been ripped away. I could only be so happy without my mom. Even when I think of healing and moving past this, I know that I will never be as happy as I was when she was alive. That is a hard pill to swallow. I will always believe that my best days are behind me. That really sucks the joy right out of living.

Someone told me yesterday that even when I die that it will not be the same. You won't need a mom there. I guess that is so. I would imagine that in heaven we are all bound together as one. As happy as all of that sounds, even the thought of that makes me kind of sad. The idea of not needing my mom to be my mom. My dream of heaven would be a place where mom and I go back to business as usual, only this time, we never have to say goodbye again. Jesus said, "In my father's house there are many rooms." I want a room right next to my moms.

I imagine that once you get to heaven, and I sure hope that I am going to heaven, all of that will makes sense, but here in this life, my human brain wants things to be the same as I remember them. That is all I have ever known.

Theresa, you have a uniquely painful struggle. Once in 2012, my brother was visiting. My mom became very sick. I wanted to call 911. My mom fought me hard on that one. She had already had enough of 911, ambulance rides, and being poked and prodded for three days.

The next morning mom was even worse. This time I didn't ask. I called 911. Mom was mad at me. She said that she would be fine if we just let her rest.

After the ambulance took her away, my brother asked me if we should follow. I had been through this many times before. I told him no. I knew that it would be quite a while before mom to be processed. I told him to take his shower and to have breakfast. I was sure that mom would be okay. She and I had been through this so many times before.

Big mistake. Mom had never been this sick before. She had been bleeding internally. She was unresponsive when we arrived at the hospital, and it is not like we took our sweet time. We were there within the hour.

Mom was placed in ICU. We were told that she would not make it. I had never felt so much guilt in my life. If I had any idea of what was happening to mom, I would have ridden in the ambulance with her. Mom and I thought that this would be just another trip to the hospital. They would make her better, and she would be home in a few days.

Mom did make it, but I will always feel guilty about that day. I should have been by her side the whole way. Even if I could not do anything but sit close to her, I should have been there.

You had no way of knowing that was your mom's last day. You did not get to bring your mom home like I did. 

There is very little consolation in any of this. I still lost my mom. Regardless of the circumstances, losing your mom is devastating. If it had been that day at the hospital, or even the day I lost her, sitting by her side, holding her hand. There is simply no good way to lose your mom. And believe me, I have found many other things to feel guilty about besides that day at the hospital. There are a million things that I wish I could do over.

Your mom and my mom loved us greatly. We had the same number of years with them. I could tell you to not feel guilty about the way things happened, but I know that I would not be able to take my own advice if I had lost my mom that day. All I know is that you loved your mom every bit as much as I loved mine. You would have given your life for her in a second. I would have given my life for my mom is a second.

We both lost our moms and now we are left to pick up the pieces. Just remember that your mom knew how much you loved her. She not only knew it, I bet that she felt it to her core.

Loving people with all of our hearts is the best we can do. You know as well as I do that your mom does not begrudge you for arriving late. My mom would not have judged me. Your mom is in heaven loving you still, more than ever. When you do see her again, I can promise you that neither of you will be thinking about that day at the hospital. It will just be a reunion of two people who love each other as much as two people can love each other.

I agree with Oatmeal's comments about being depressed. I haven't been to the doctor for a diagnosis, but I have enough sense to know that what I feel/am experiencing is more than just grief. I'm not inclined to take antidepressants. I'm sure they are helpful to some, but I don't want it nor do I want to become dependent on that.

Also to your comment re: someone saying that we will not need a mom there, that may be true, but I believe our relationships with our mom's will be so much better than we can imagine (even though they were great here). The thing that makes me sad is that Mom doesn't need me anymore like she did when she was alive on earth. I don't believe she has forgotten me, but because she is so happy where she is now, I've receded from her view. Because she see's God's face everyday.  I believe when we're reunited, our love for Jesus will be the main focus for every child of God as it should be. I think we will enjoy one another.

Quote from Brett "Jesus said, "In my father's house there are many rooms." I want a room right next to my moms."

Me too Brett. But I will go one step further. I want to be in the same room with my Mother and Father. They gave me love and a safe environment to live in. I would like that back.

I purchased a paperback book on Amazon and got it yesterday. It is call "The Courage To Grieve" by Judy Tatelbaum. One of my patient's daughters who lost her Mom shortly after I did told me about it ( yes, we are still in touch by text to support each other). There is so much in it that I and the rest of you are going through that it amazed me. It even addressed the depression and suicidal ideations some of us may be having as a normal process of grief. It is also a hopeful book because it addresses that we will get through this and recreate our lives. It is just a suggestion from me to look into getting this book. I am finding it helpful.

Love you all,

Bluebell

Bluebell, I thought about that when I posted that passage. I wasn't being completely honest. I would want to be as close to my mom as possible. At least until I realized that she wasn't going to ever leave me again. I imagine that once you get to heaven you realize that pretty quickly.

I agree with Joy. The bible wasn't written about me and my mom. Sometimes I worry that I have lost my focus. Grief will do that. My hope is that God will forgive me for wanting to be with my mom so badly. I am sure that if anyone understands the love between a mother and her child it is God. That's the cool thing about heaven. We will get to be with our moms and the one who created us. I haven't forgotten that he is the reason that I had her in the first place. He is the reason why she had me. The love between my mom and I came directly from the heart of God. I will praise him forever for that.

Also, I talk about depression for a very real reason. I am certainly not a doctor but I do realize that grief can evolve into clinical depression. And it is enough for each of us to battle grief without having to do so with a chemical imbalance. I have had PTSD ever since I was in a car accident in the 90's. I can tell you from experience that depression can make it so much harder to climb out of the pit of hopelessness. I was fine and dandy while mom was alive. The PTSD would cause occasional panic attacks but I learned how to control those. My mom had always been my security blanket. As long as I had my mom I knew that I would be okay. You know what happened next. My mom died.

I realize that I am not dealing with grief that I probably should be. I mean, it will always hurt. I will always miss my mom. Life will never be the same as it once was. But each of us should be able to find happiness while we are here. We should be able to find peace. I remember how sick my mom was. I remember how she suffered for such a long time. I should be happier that my mom is in heaven instead of sitting next to me right now watching, "Everybody Loves Raymond." I am not happy though. I want my mom back. I have to come to grips with the fact that is not going to happen in this lifetime. If I do not come to grips with that I will just sink deeper and deeper into a pit of depression. That is no way to live. I mean, really live. It's not what my mom would have wanted for me and it is not what I want for myself.

People on this board are pretty honest. As well they should be. If you are grieving the loss of your mom, this is the right place to be. We all understand. We are all living it.

My concern is that not everyone is comfortable admitting how bad their grief has become. For me that means wishing that I could be in heaven with my mom. I pray for it every day, usually through tears. I pray to die. That scares me. I know that many people who grieve do more than pray to die. They consider suicide. Some actually go through with it. That breaks my heart. I just wish that if anyone reads this, and they are considering suicide, that they will please give themselves a fighting chance and ask for help. Depression is a disease that can have deadly consequences if left untreated. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Your moms love you. Please try to love yourself as well.

Suicide may be the extreme reaction to grief but there is more than one way to harm yourself. I don't even like to leave the house. I would rather stay home and cry and pray. I don't really laugh anymore. I stopped going to the gym. It's hard for me to gather the energy to go to work. I have a lot of trouble sleeping at night. I don't like going to the grocery store. People have stopped asking me if I want to go out to dinner or come over. They know better. All of these things are harmful. You can die to yourself without actually dying. You can lose a great big piece of who you were and still are. 

Continued: I know that I have. And though I may not have the energy, I would like to find myself again. I have started to see a therapist. She wants me to see a psychiatrist. It does embarrass me but I sure don't want to live the rest of my life Like this. 

As I wrote earlier, a part of me has died, but I am sure not dead. Dead people don't feel pain. I feel plenty. If I am going to live another 30 or 40 years, I don't want to live it like this. My mom sure wouldn't have wanted this for me. The suns going to come up every single day regardless of how I feel. I would rather face the day as my real self, not as a shell of who I once was.

I want that for all of us. There is nothing in the world wrong with being happy. It may not bring our moms back but it will sure make the road a little easier to travel until we see them again.  

I have  wished I was already with my Mom and have thought of helping that along. But I know if I just hang on, I will recover from this loss and recreate my life. So at night when I go to bed, instead of praying to be released from this earth, I ask God to forgive me for those thoughts and to hold me up during this terrible time. I ask for strength to carry on another day.

The past 2 mornings have been better for me. I do not know why, but it is a relief to have somehow been blessed with a reprieve no matter how long it lasts. It gives me hope and I am going to do my best to hang on to the memory of what I am experiencing now when times are especially rough.

I am not done with my grief; I know that and accept it. But there is nothing wrong with feeling better for a couple of days. It does not diminish the love I felt for my Mom. That will always be there.

Brett

The fact that you are seeking outside help to get through this horrible time is wonderful and shows me you want to do more than just breath. You do deserve to have a life where you can experience moments of happiness or at least feel okay living in your own skin. Like me and probably the rest of us, it is not going to happen over night. It will take work to survive and find some peace. 

For myself, I pray for the courage to carry on and live my life to the best of my ability. Part of my goal in life has always been to help others. I will find ways to do that. It will help me feel more worthy of being on this earth. Today I am going to pay someone a sincere compliment. It is a small thing, but it is a start.

Bluebell

Today was a meltdown day for me! Seeing my mom's home almost empty gives such a finality to her passing. Knowing that the person I loved most in this world will not be back. I am crying as I am writing this .As always I love you very much Mama!!

Janie, there are few things that could ever drive home the finality of death like seeing her things disappear. For me it was the little things. I felt good about donating her clothes. I was happy that some of the furniture and household items were going to family and some of her friends. The hard part was the everyday items like her toothbrush, hair brush, knowing that she would never need them again. Throwing away some of those things was like throwing my mom away. It was horrible.

But I remembered one thing that I hope you will always remember. It wasn't the house or the things that were in it that she loved. She loved me, not her things. You can sell a house. Those things go away. You still go on. You are her daughter and you go on. I can promise you that she is not in heaven loving her house right now. She is loving her daughter. There is nothing in that house that was ever treasured by your mom like you were. Your mom loves you. That can't be sold. It can't be given away or donated. It will never rust or decay. It will certainly never need to be thrown away. You will have it forever.

I dont' know how, but I went in my moms house like a windstorm and threw away toothbrush, etc, I was in a haze, but I did it all so fast.

I have a large bin with my keepsakes in it that she saved, the dish set that was her moms, its beautiful, her cook book and other items, but she had a pizzelle iron she used to make pizzelles  with every single Christmas, I think it was her moms, I have it and used it last year to make the pizzelles just like she did, I didn't want to but I did it.  I figured gosh if mom could do this having lost her mother on Christmas eve and her husband two weeks prior to Christmas, I can do this in memory of her.  For anyone that is Catholic my mom died on the Saturday of the Joyful Mysteries....

May everyone take a minute today and thank God for bringing us together and for preparing a beautiful place for our moms to go where there is no more pain and suffering.

God Bless everyone.

Theresa, I think that I was probably still in shock when I cleaned out my mom's things. I still live in her house so the memories are all around. I could not get rid of enough things. There will always be reminders here.

Recently I was looking for a note pad. I found one in the utility drawer. I opened the pad. I had forgotten that my mom had used that note pad to leave me messages. Things like, "Going to the store to get some...," and "I have a doctor's appointment. I'll be back around 4:00."

It was like being knocked in the head by a sledge hammer. When mom was alive I would read these notes in a second and go on about my day. Now when I read them I just remember that there was a time when mom would come back home. I can read those notes and it's almost like going back in time. Right now it is hard to imagine that there was once a time when I could hug my mom every day. That I could talk to her, watch television with her. It is the finality of all of this that is so crushing.

Mom was the biggest and best part of my life. She's gone now. That is so hard. Too hard.

She is in heaven now. She doesn't have COPD anymore. No more cancer. She's with her mom and dad now. I do give thanks to God for those things.

But like Huck Finn said, "You can't pray a lie." I'm still here. The separation is so painful. One day I want to be with her in heaven, but I pray that God will show me a way to find some peace and happiness until that day. That seems like too steep of a hill to climb. I keep praying though. Nothing is impossible for God.

You are not alone Janie. We are here with you supporting you during this traumatic loss. What you did was very, very hard. Cry all the tears you want and do not be ashamed or apologize to anyone for your grief. It may be hard to believe right now, but the intensity will diminish over time and the days where you feel overwhelmed will not be as frequent. For me, there seemed to be markers. After 3 months, I started to have some okay days and could function a little better. Now I am at 6 months and there are some signs of recovery. Even though I still have many, many dark days where the grief is overwhelming, I find myself trying to find ways to survive with more peace, moments of joy and being able to pat myself on the back when I have accomplished something. As I wrote "being able to pat myself on the back", I realized that I miss the positive feedback my Mom gave me about a job well done.Though her compliments were not frequent, they meant a lot to me because I had the need to feel like my Mom was proud of me. Now, even though I can not hear her voice, I want to live my life the way she tried to teach me. 

Bluebell

MOM

1918-2017

"If tears could build a stairway and thoughts a memory lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

I ordered a personalized bereavement afghan with the above embroidered on it. I plan on wrapping myself up in it and think of my Mom and all she gave me.

Bluebell

I am glad you liked it Theresa. I hope it works out the way I want it to. But if for some reason it paralyzes me with grief, I will put it away until I am ready.

Bluebell 

It would be nice if grief was like the flu. You could estimate a recovery time. 

It seems like it's the little things that I miss the most. I miss watching TV with my mom. I miss telling her about little things that happened during my day. I miss the way she would say goodnight to our little dogs. I just miss her presence. Sometimes when you love someone so much, and they love you just as much, words don't even have to be spoken. You just know. And that is enough.

I miss how we would watch the news together every evening, and how she said good night to me every night. I miss how she trusted me with her healthcare as she got older. I miss how hard she tried to do the best she could with everything she did. I miss her intelligence. I miss her strength and desire to carry on with her life despite its hardships. I miss her acceptance of me even if I goofed up. I miss my Duracell Bunny, which is what I secretly called her.

Bluebell

I miss everything but especially her smiling face, her compassion for everyone, her cooking, she cooked every Sunday for us, I miss going to the stores with her shopping, I could always count on her for her honest opinion, and most of all I miss hearing her voice every night on the phone saying "I love you sweetheart"......and today is Sunday really hard day for me because like clockwork we went there cut the grass, and washed the car, and ate together...I love you mom with my heart and soul and I know you will be waiting there for me.

I am having the usual morning anxiety. I really hate it. What I need to remember is that it usually gets better as the morning goes on.

I have two sets of memories to miss. I sure miss having dinner with her on Sundays. I miss seeing her car in the driveway. I miss listening talk to my aunts on the telephone. Mom would always talk on speaker phone. Listening to them just gave me the feeling of family. I miss seeing her interact with her little dogs. She would baby talk them and their little tails would just wag. The dogs had it made. They would hang out with mom for a while and then they would come hang out with me.

I miss talking to her about my childhood memories and experiences. I miss my childhood period. That was a time when I was so secure and thought that life would go on like that forever.

I have a second set of memories that I probably should not miss as much as I do. I miss taking care of her in those final days. Mom didn't have much of an appetite then. She often had Thrush. She would ask me to make her orange jello and put Mandarin oranges in it. I love the way she would smile at me when I handed it to her. I miss our whole nighttime ritual. I would put on her Bi-Pap mask. I would kiss her goodnight and tell her that I love her. She would always say through that mask, "I love you. Thanks for taking care of me." The dogs would be standing under me and mom would say, "Goodnight little doggies. You be good girls."

I would wait for a while to know that she was comfortably asleep. I would reassure myself, "Mom is dying, but it's not going to be tonight."

I miss waking up in the morning and taking that mask off of her. I miss the way she would smile at am and say good morning. I miss giving her breakfast. This was a time when mom actually needed me as much as I needed her. I wanted to be the best caretaker I could possibly be, and my mom would brag on me to her friends.

More than anything I just miss the look that she would give me. She had a way of looking at me in the end that just beamed with love. It was sort of like, "You came through for me. Thank you." I would give her the same look because there wasn't a day that mom did not come through for me.

I knew that mom and I had a short time left. I would cling to those moments like they were all that mattered. They were all that mattered.

When I woke up Christmas morning and mom was gone, I could feel an absence in that house that was overpowering. I looked around and I knew that it could never be the same. Not even close.

The final moments of her life I just held her hand and told her how much that I loved her. She just looked at me with a look that said goodbye. It was a very sad look. She knew that she could not take care of me anymore either.

I said a prayer out loud that God would take my sweet mama into heaven. As she faded she let go of my hand. She never stopped looking at me though. She died with her eyes open, looking at me.

We said goodbye but you can't really say goodbye to someone that you love so much.

I also know that my mama will be waiting for me. We will never have to say goodbye again. 

Theresa, maybe we can say that it's goodbye for now. The separation between now and then is what is so hard. We can really torture ourselves. When I am at my lowest, that is when I really stress over, "Can mom see me? Does she still love me? Does she know how much I miss her. Are we still connected in some way?" We can drive ourselves crazy because these are questions that we cannot find an answer for. Everyone has an opinion or a belief, but until we go beyond through that door, we just can't know.

I was reading Proverbs today. This hit me. "Do not rely on your own understanding." Those are wise words. We cannot grasp what goes on behind the scenes. Our moms could be witting next to us right now, comforting us. They could be in heaven adoring God, and have left their past lives behind. I'm sure that they remember us but they are in  the presence of God. That is a wonderful place to be.

I love the picture of your mom. I almost feel like I know her. I wish that I had known her. If I could talk to her right now I would say, "Do you have any idea how much Theresa loves you?" That would be a rhetorical question. She knows.

Don't hold back the tears. Those tears are just another way of telling your mom how much you love her. The anxiousness I could do without, but the tears help me release... love. It may be sadness but it is grounded in love.

Mom I love you and miss you every day. I know you are alright where you are, but I am not. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and get through my day. You taught me to do my best and never give up no matter how hard it gets. I am doing my best and I hope that it is good enough. Sometimes every day,I just feel like I am treading water, desperately trying to keep my head above so I can breath. 

I have got to go to work even though I am not in the best state of mind.This is hard for me to do. But sitting around doing nothing would be worse. Has anyone else had this experience?

Bluebell

Definitely. I'm glad I have a job as it's a distraction. I'm not always as productive as I'd like to be because I get into a funk when I think of my mom. The tears will come out of nowhere and I'm so thankful I have an office that I can close during those times. I was sitting on the train to work the other day and tears were flowing. I didn't really try to hide it because I couldn't if I wanted to. I'm just glad I didn't start sobbing as I was on the quiet car of the train.

There are also days when I don't even want to leave my house and go out and then there are days that I have to get out of the house otherwise I feel I will go insane. I just try to make sure I have  lot of activities to keep me busy. My mom would have wanted that. I'm studying to become a sommelier, I'm taking photography classes, etc. The only way I can work through my grief is to stay busy. However, I do need quiet times too. Read my Bible and pray.

Theresa, after my mom's funeral I asked the minister if he thought my mom would still be aware of me. He said no. He said, "Your mother is in the presence of God. She is not thinking about this earth anymore." I asked him if mom would still remember me. He said, "The soul never forgets, but she has moved on." That broke my heart. But he doesn't know that. He can't know that. No one can know. There's only one way to find out.

I have to admit that is very hard to think my mom may have moved on. I get that there are no tears in heaven, and maybe my mom would be sad if she saw how badly I was struggling, but who's to say that she wouldn't still be amazingly happy in heaven. Maybe our moms know that our struggles are only temporary. Maybe they know that we will one day be where they are. There's a lot of maybe's and no answers.

Some believe that our moms are sleeping until the last day. Some believe that our moms could be in purgatory. I'm not sure what to believe. I know what I want to believe. One day I will die and I will meet Jesus. That's a lot to be excited about right there. Imagine meeting Jesus face to face. I can imagine seeing my mom smiling at me, and then Jesus would tell me to go be with my mother. And we would live together in a world where the light is provided by the presence of God. 

That's how I see it but I don't know. I know one thing, no matter how hard people try to convince me that the way they were taught is the only way, no matter how loud they yell, stomp their feet, and shake  the head, no one can no for sure.

Jesus said it best. Only he has seen God. Only he could tell us for sure what happens on our dying day. I pray to Jesus everyday, but I will have to wait to find out what happens, just like everyone else.

There are so many things that I have heard. People who have had after death experiences, who have claimed to see their loved ones. I'm not calling them liars. I just know that has not happened to me. Seeing a white feather isn't going to tell me that my mom is alive and well and thinking of me. I just don't know, and that can be agonizing.

Theresa, I think about your situation often. Your timing was heartbreakingly unfortunate. You did absolutely nothing wrong, but I can sure see why the memory of that day would haunt you. This is another thing that is so hard about grieving. People will give you advice but they have no idea how you feel. They may have lost their own moms but they are basing what they are telling you on their own experience. My relationship with my mom was unique to me. Your relationship with your mom was unique to you. Only we can know how we feel.

The bright side to all of this is that we both love our moms so much. They knew that in life and I have to believe that they know that now. I think that is our saving grace.

Your mom sure looks good for 91. I would love to have known her. I can just see her praying her rosary and praying with The Holy Mother. God Bless your mom. And God Bless you.

It's funny. I'm not Catholic but I certainly prayed the rosary after my mom died. I love The Blessed Mother. People told me, "Brett, you are just trying to replace your mother with Mary." I would just say, "Yeah, so what?" She has a Mother's heart. Just like my mom, I hope that Mary is with me. I hope that she is with you, too.

Bluebell, my mom died on Christmas Eve. I woke up the following morning and I just thought, "What now?" I went from being busy 24/7 to being completely idle. I did what I could. I watered the flowers and trimmed the hedges at my church. I started working for a an organization that helps the homeless. I did what I could to have something positive to bide away the hours. Now I work again. It certainly does help to stay busy. Like Joy said, it can sometimes be very hard. Sometimes I have to find a quiet place to cry and pray for a moment. Sometimes it takes all of the energy that I have to just get a shower and get ready for work. I could certainly be more productive at work. I guess my production is just putting one foot in front of the other. Work may not be a solution to grief but it does help. It's good to be needed. It's good to have a reason to get up in the morning. If not for my (moms) dogs and work, I would probably just roll up in a ball on the floor and talk gibberish.