Bluebell it is overwhelming, I try to not focus so much on it, because we have to continue on unfortunately.

I do not know how to not focus on it. A year and a half later and I am much worse than I was. That is scary.

Brett someone told me the second year is harder than the first, I found it to be true because the first year I walked around in a fog, the second year reality hit.

Theresa, that makes me worry about the third year. I don't see how it could be worse though. I think that I may have started out having more endurance. Now I am so tired. Tired but so anxious. But more than anything, no matter how the psychiatry works, I just really miss my mom. It's not just missing. "Missing" is not strong enough of a word. It's the separation that is killing me.

I want to say this again. It means a lot to me to be able to talk about how much I grieve my mom's passing. I can get caught up in myself, but I know that I am not the only person who is grieving here. Everyone who is on this site is here because they have lost someone so dear to them, maybe even the greatest love of their life. I am with you. I pray for you and I know that you are also hurting badly. I pray for each of you by name. What's left of my heart is with you all. May God Bless You.

Good evening everyone! I took a break and went to the beautiful Colorado mountain s for five days to see my childhood friend. The trip was wonderful and I saw the most beautiful shooting star with a fireball I was sure that was a sign from my mama that she was okay and happy! I so needed to get away ! I have so much more to do concerning my mama selling the house and getting everything done financially. I am stronger now and I hope I will stay that way . I know my Mama would not want me to do anything but be strong. I have never loved anyone like I loved my sweet Mama! Stay strong everyone and think what your Mama would like you to do and be for her!! Have a great weekend.

God Bless you, Janie. I think it's wonderful that you have this feeling. I wish that for everyone here. I do not know the backstory for every person on this board. We all have different feelings and different circumstances. I think a psychiatrist would have a field day with me. 

Yesterday I went to the cemetery and tried not to cry, but I couldn't hold it in.  I said to my mom you left so fast I didn't get to tell you how much I loved you.  I light a candle everynight next to her picture and tell her how much I love and miss her and I tell her I hope she knows it. 

I know my faith has gotten me through so far, I truly believe that God has prepared something so beautiful for us and that she is in peace.  I guess one day all of my questions will be answered.

Theresa, I am so happy that you are finding peace. There are some things that we probably worry about too much. Our mom's certainly know that we love them, and there is no doubt that they are in peace.

I still need to tell my mom that I love her. I tell her all the time. That is more for me than her. She knows. 

Those questions will be answered one day. We all have to soldier through until then. God Bless you my friend. You deserve peace. We all do.

Theresa, I think there are going to be times when we feel that peace and there will be others when we just want to cry. And we sure will cry.

As awful as it feels I also know what it is. It's love. Grieving a loved one is just one of the many ways that we express how much we love that person.

Tears again this morning and a broken heart. I try to keep busy, but the grief always catches up with me. I am also trying to find purpose for my life. But so many mornings I get up and ask myself what is the reason for me to get up today? I do not have the answer yet, but I will keep searching.

Hi everyone I was back at my mom's house today to continue to organize and pack her things. I was okay until I went in her special room with bears and clowns but her presence was overwhelming in this room and I knew she was with me. She continues to send me love and strength. I of course was crying but I needed to be strong. This process is hard and I said many times today my goodness Mama I do not believe all that you had that I was not aware of.  God be with her and all of us!!

Bluebell I have a wonderful family support group that helps me hold it together are you by yourself?

The last comment tonight I love you Mama!!

Bluebell, I feel you. The reality of life is that we all have to get up in the morning. I guess if a person could afford it they could just stay home all day. Janie realizes how blessed she is because she has a wonderful support system. For many of us that is just not happening. Why do I keep putting one foot in front of the other? My mom has two little dogs that I promised her that I would take care of. They are a blessing. Beyond that, I can only hope and pray that the Lord is working on our behalf. I will pray for you. I will pray for you with all my heart. We have no idea how powerful a prayer can be. We just can't know. It's sure worth a shot.

I'll tell you something else. I may have never met you. I wouldn't know you if I passed you on the street, but believe me when I tell you that I care about you and I know that you are hurting. You are not alone. I am here in North Carolina crying, too. You may not see me but I am crying right along side of you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe you will find your way back home.

Janie, I think that you speak for all of us. "I love you, mama."

I say it every morning and night Janie

Bluebell, I am right there with you, I used to talk to my mom every single morning at the same time, and on my way home from work, some days I drive home and I say mom I miss you so much.

Prayer is very powerful as Brett has said, remember God is right next to us always.

I have a few people in my life I can count on for support and I have my sister. But even though I have them, my heart still feels broken. When the grief I feel is as intense as it has been the past couple of days, it is hard to remember I do not always feel this way. About the only thing in my life right now  that makes me really smile is my dog Bailey. I am blessed to have him in my life. He doesn't judge me if I am having a bad day. He just keeps on smiling and wagging his tail. He is a natural clown and loves to play with his squeaky ball or chicken. He loves me unconditionally. He reminds me there will be better days ahead and the sadness I feel right now because of the loss of my Mom will lessen in intensity again. Thank you all for your prayers. God bless you. It is good to know I am not alone and I can come here and say what is in my heart and just be my true vulnerable self.

Bluebell

Bluebell, like you, it's my dogs that keep me going. My two little girls were both my moms and mine. They were right by my side all of those years that I was mom's caretaker. They gave equal love  to both of us. I couldn't have made it through this without them. They have my heart.

My mom couldn't have know when she brought these little dogs home that they would one day be my lifeline.

There is a reason why people have therapy dogs. I have two. Not because I can't see or walk very well. It's because my spirit is broken. I don't know if they are aware of that. Maybe not. They give unconditional love one way or the other, just like my mom did.

Thank God for them.

Today was a good day! I love you and thank you so very much Mama! I think of you everyday while cleaning up your home and getting it ready for sale. It is still hard for me to go there and not seeing you watching Dr.Phil and judge Judy! I have not tackled your bear and clown room yet.i feel your presence there strongly and I cry. Here's to you Mama I love you so very much!!

My mom loved Judge Judy. You couldn't convince her that was not a real courtroom. She also loved The Shark Tank and Everybody Loves Raymond. It all seems like just yesterday since we watched those shows together. I love those shows, too, but it was being with my mom that made it special. I never realized how true that was until I lost her.

I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!

Janie that sounds good, "I love  you mom"!!!!

Good morning everyone and good morning Mama!  I have alot to get accomplished today so that I can bring things home from Mamas home. As always I love you Mama!

I look forward to being able to feel something other than sadness about my Mom's death. But I am not there yet. I do love you Mom and miss you every day.

Bluebell

I know that sadness well, Theresa. We will always be our mother's child. She will always be our mom. 

It's been too long since we got to hug our moms. Way too long. And neither you nor I know when that will change. That's the kicker in all of this. The finality of it all is overwhelming. I know that I may see my mom again but it will not be in this life. That is a hard pill to swallow. So far I have not been able to swallow it. It's been over a year and a half and I still can't swallow it. If anything it seems like that pill just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I wish every single one of you peace. I hope the day comes for all of us that we no longer need to post here. That day may come sooner for some and later for others. The speed in which we heal is not a measure of who loved their mother's more. We all love our moms. 

I guess circumstances have something to do with it. I'm just not ready to face life without my mom. I don't know if I can. I know that I have to though. I don't have any say in the matter.

For me life (now) is like sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office. It seems like I have been waiting for a long time, and I know that there is probably a lot more waiting ahead.

Until then I will just keep telling my mom that I love her, and I will always hope that she can hear me.

I have a huge angel urn sitting on my mantle with my mama there. It is not that I do not miss her and love her I feel sad alot but I have to keep going for her. All Mamas would not like us to spend our whole time depressed and grieving . Would you want your Mama to constantly be grieving and depressed at your passing. My Mama and I lost her older daughter and my sister ten yrs ago then my Dad. We have shared our depressed moods and anxiety's. My Mama said please celebrate my life with kindness and be happy as you can life is to short. The road is hard but we must endevor to go on as our Mamas would like us to! I love you Mama!

And ironically as I write this I have goosebumps and feel her love and approval!

The love never stops !!

Janie, of course you love your mom, and my mom certainly would not want for me to grieve the way that I do. I would not have wanted my mom to grieve my death this way.

But I have to be honest about my feelings and my grief. Most of all I have to be honest with myself. I am a mess.

I am becoming more of a functioning mess. I am able to see patient's now. I sleep a lot better. I try to exercise and socialize on a regular basis. But I have days when the sense of loss and sorrow is so overwhelming, that all I can do is cry or wish I could cry. This is the way I grieve. It will lessen as time goes on and I will be grateful when that happens.

I envy you Janie and I wish I was more like you.

Bluebell

One of the things that makes me feel very guilty (here) is that I do not want to discourage anyone who is making progress. I don't want to bring them down into the pit with me.

I realize that there are people who may have recently come to this board because they are hurting so badly. Others are reaching a point where they can see the light at the end of the tunnel. God Bless both groups of people.

Grief is... well, I don't want to use a bunch of curse words here. It can be so hard and it is so hard to find relief. It can be so hard to find proper support. I recently met with a therapist. She uses a technique called, "Tapping." Basically you tap your fingers on different points of your body and say affirmations to yourself. It didn't help. I kept thinking, "I need medication more that I need to tap."

After my mom died I made an appointment with a priest. He is a very good man but while I was speaking with him I could not help but notice that he kept looking at the clock that was over my head. He let me know when my time was up.

The problem is that when we are look for support we frequently rely on someone who is not experiencing grief at that time. I tell you what, all that I am experiencing right now will make me a better friend.

There are levels of grief. Grief also has ebbs and flows. You think you are making progress. The next thing you know, you are curled up on the floor, crying like a baby.

Grief will test your faith. It can ruin friendships. It can ruin a family.

My heart is with everyone here who is grieving. And I thank the Lord for those of you who can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What a blessing that is.

I'm going to keep looking for that light. I mean, why not? We have to do something while we grieve. We have to try.

My heart is with each of you.

My heart is also with each one of you.

Hugs and love to you all

Bluebell

Love is an amazing thing. There are times when I think that my mom has all the love that I have to offer, but there is always room for one more person. Even hundreds more.

people. 

Brett yes it can ruin relationships, I wont say who, but I was mentioning that I thought it was odd that a friend did not even call or send me a card when my mom passed, the person I was talking to said "its not the end of the world", this person should never had said that to me, because their time will come and I hold resentment towards them now. 

My mother in law did not ask me once how I am doing.

I resent her too.

I hate to use the word resentment because I have enough on my plate right now. It takes energy to resent people. Negative energy. There is already too much of that in my life.

The really hard part is that I got so much unconditional love from my mother. It's hard to lose that in a split second. I lost my rock.

Where do you go after that? My family and friends already have their own families to tend to. It seems like we are given a small window to grieve. People will pat you on the back and say, "Well, she was a good woman. Take care of yourself now."

It's just not that easy. 

Theresa, it's horrible that someone would say, "It's not the end of the world" to you. That is cold. I am so sorry.

Your mother in law... again, I am so sorry. You deserve better than that. We all do.

Really rough morning. I pray for some relief. This is not what my Mom would have wanted for me. 

Bluebell

Bluebell, our moms wanted all kinds of things for us. They wanted us to always eat our vegetables, to never get mixed up with bad influences, etc. Don't beat yourself up because you are grieving. You wouldn't be human if you didn't grieve. You wouldn't feel the way you do now if you didn't love your mother so incredibly much. If I had died before my mom, hopefully if I had the chance before dying, I would have said, "Please don't spend the rest of your life grieving for me." Would that have stopped her from grieving the way a mother grieves the loss of their child?

What you are feeling right now is a natural reaction to something that broke your heart. Don't feel the least bit guilty. Just take strength in knowing that you and your mom loved each other with all of your hearts. That will never die. You were so blessed to have each other. You still have each other. You can't see her or hug her but you still have her. That kind of love will never ever die.

I do love my Mom with all my heart. I try to count my blessings, but what I mainly am feeling right now is depression, anxiety and worthlessness. I called my sister and she is feeling the same way. Pray for relief for both of us.

Bluebell

Thank you Theresa

Bluebell

hi everyone I hope your day was blessed and good! I will be back at Moms tomorrow for more packing! I miss and love you Mom!!

Bluebell, I will pray for you as well. I understand.

Theresa, that is one of the most beautiful things about Catholicism. Sitting in adoration of the sacrament is an incredible blessing.

Bluebell, you wrote something that was very telling. You have a sister to lean on. I hate that either of you are so sad but you can pull each other through this. She is a part of your mom, too. You are very blessed to have her.

I am blessed to have my sister. But I also realize that she is going through a bad time too and it would not be fair to her to burden her with all the negativity that is going through my mind. With that being said, I am going to try and be more positive. I am going to try and not hang on so hard to the past and what I do not have. Maybe every morning I will write down what I am grateful for.

Bluebell

I am grateful I had a mother that loved me

I am grateful I have a roof over my head and food to eat

I am grateful for my family

Bluebell, grieving is a normal part of life and death, you are only 6 months into it, please don't expect too much, I am now almost two years and I still am trying to accept the fact of what happened and how fast it occurred.  Some days I cry my heart out, I am sure one day I will find peace, you will too.