I miss my Mom!

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If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Heather

Hi Theresa,
It is the same for me in terms of my job. I'm a special education assistant and have worked with kids for over 20 years with varying special needs. The last 5 years I have specialized in working with children with autism. I started working with a new student this year and it has challenged me beyond words... I have come home from work so incredibly sad. I would sit in bed and just cry. This is the first time in over 20 years of working with children that I am questioning if I should stay in this field. I am so apathetic. I want to care and go the extra mile ( like I used to) but I have nothing left in reserve. I can't quit, because I finally have a benefit plan and some job security. My family relies on that security as do I. I have the option of posting out of the school and starting over with another student but the concern there is that I could end up with a child that needs even more than the student I have now. Lots to think about, but (like you) I keep praying to my Mom asking for her help and guidance. Hopefully, our Mom's can find away to show/help us find the right path. Thinking of you and hoping you find the answers you need. Take good care, Theresa.
Heather

Apr 26, 2017
BLUEBELL

I have been blessed with a very understanding set of people at work. They have told me to take my time coming back to work and have ask if there is anything they can do to help, just ask. They knew how much my life was centered on taking care of my Mom. My plan now is to start work again at the end of May, beginning of June. I am afraid though that because of the nature of my job( a Hospice RN), it is going to tear me apart when one of my patients dies. Maybe not though. Maybe I will be okay. Maybe I will even have more to offer the patient and their families because of my own experience of bringing Mom home from the hospital on Hospice. I know what a tough decision it was for me even though I knew all the signs were pointing that way.

Mom only lived a day and a half before she passed away at home. I am glad I ask my family to come from out of town to be with her right away instead of waiting. That way, they did have some quality time with her while she was alert and knew them.

I have to say that I had no idea how profoundly my Mother's death would effect me. I thought I would be prepared. I knew I would grieve, but the intensity of the sense of loss and the feeling of being alone is more than I can put into words.

Bluebell

Apr 26, 2017
Theresa

Bluebell, being a hospice nurse has to be tough

I think you are right because of your own experience you will be stronger than you think.

I am off today and I am going to run errands it helps to occupy my mind, but not completely.

Apr 27, 2017
BLUEBELL

Theresa

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope you are right.

I pray that you find some enjoyment on your day off.

Sending hugs and love you way,

Bluebell

Apr 27, 2017
Leila

Bluebell,
I think you're very brave to return to work so soon. I would have similar concerns as you yours. I can tell that you truly care for your patients and their families. Will they let you return on a part time basis until you can see how it will affect you?
Hugs,
Nancy

Apr 27, 2017
Leila

Theresa,
I hope you're having a peaceful day. Things sound super tough at your job. I'm sorry you have this added burden on top of enduring the loss of your sweet mom. I don't know what kind of work you do, but I hope you can find a resolution for the issues or even find a way to change jobs if you need to. I don't know how you do it every day.
Hugs,
Nancy

Apr 27, 2017
Leila

Heather,
I totally agree with you about the weather making a difference in how we feel. Sunshine seems to uplift me. I was counting down the days for daylight savings time to begin this year as that extra hour of light meant so much to me now.

You have a very challenging job. Our son was diagnosed with autism when he was 3. He was severely autistic at that time. We were given a dire prognosis. He was the nonverbal student who would bang his head on the floor. He couldn't count to 10, recite the alphabet, or write his name until the year he repeated 2nd grade. I quit my job as an RN to be able work with him 1:1 myself. Also, there were amazing people like you who had an enormous impact on his life and ours. We did every therapy available and sought out every resource. Patrick got his miracle, and when it happened it occurred overnight. This nonverbal little boy could suddenly read way above his grade level and do complicated mathematics. He graduated from high school first in his class. He is 23 now and is graduating from college on May 11. He is in a service fraternity where he has fed the homeless, cleaned parks, helped build a home, worked refreshment stands at football games, and planned events to introduce grade school students to STEM fields. He has a perfect GPA and is graduating Suma Cum Laude with degrees in Computer Engineering and Mathematics. He has done important research in number theory, has lectured at other universities, and had his work published several times as an undergraduate. He was even given the award of Most Outstanding Senior in the College of Science. He begins a PhD program focusing on a very narrow area of Number Theory in August, and best of all he has been fully funded by the National Science Foundation based on his research and academic achievements. As you can imagine, it hasn't always been easy for him. He still faces many social and developmental challenges. He'll be 1200 miles from home at his next university and he is experiencing anxiety related to change in environment, routine, and the entire transition process. He will be teaching a class for the first time at the college level. We are helping him, his psychiatrist is helping him, and there continue to be educators (like yourself) who reach out to him and appreciate him for the unique and wonderful person he is.

I know this is long and I am having a bit of a 'mom brag' moment. But the point is YOU are making a difference in the life of every child you touch. We don't always get to see you down the road to thank you again and share with you the important part you've played in helping our children to reach their full potential, but you are SO VERY MUCH appreciated!!

I keep wishing my mom was here to see him graduate from college. Patrick had two 'people' growing up - me and my mom. We were the only ones he would speak to for many years. We were the only ones he felt completely bonded to. He misses her as I do. I have to believe she somehow knows how he's doing and is proud of him. Now I'm crying again.

Hugs,

Nancy

Apr 27, 2017
BLUEBELL

Nancy

It is wonderful to hear to about your son's successful life. You, along with other dedicated people, made the miracle happen. Thank you for sharing. It put a smile on my face.

Bluebell

Apr 28, 2017
Heather

Nancy,
You made my year, with your lovely words! Thank you:-). From my experience so far the parents make up a huge component of any child's success. It is apparent that you fought long and hard to give your son everything he needs and the result is a wonderful meaningful and productive life. I love hearing stories like yours:-)! Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot to me... much peace to you, take care.
Heather

Apr 28, 2017
Theresa

Nancy, that is truly a miracle from God, you must be very proud.

Hope everyone is well, I am pre-occupied trying to get my 10 year old Labrador situated on a food that wound upset his stomach he has had this since a pup, so the vet is having me try one of the prescription foods. I don't mess around if this does not work we will be going to Penn Vet.

Its always something.....he is my child, so I do what I have to .

Apr 30, 2017
BLUEBELL

Theresa

I hope the new diet works. I have my 11 year old pup on a raw diet and a few supplements to reduce inflammation. He has ruptured his ligament in both his hind legs and torn his meniscus in one of his hind legs. You would think he was a football player as they are prone to the same injuries. Needless to say, since he too is my baby, he had surgery on both legs to repair the damage. Right now he is doing well. He is a happy, clown of a dog and has helped get me through this rough time.

Bluebell

Apr 30, 2017
Theresa

Bluebell I know they are our babies. I hope your pup is on the mend.

My dog was so close to my mom, that the night before she passed he woke us up at 1 am and started pacing, he just wouldn't settle down, we didn't know what to do, I didn't even think maybe my mom was awake or in distress and he sensed it, the next day after she passed he went and laid down and slept very strange.

We used to take him with us on Sunday's to her house because she loved him and he used to sit outside when we were doing things out there, he would jump out of the car and run in the house looking for her, it was so funny, do you know after she passed we brought him with us when we were cleaning out and when he got out of the car he stood right next to us didn't even want to go in the house and when he did he never looked for her in her usual spot which was downstairs watching TV. He knew something I didn't......

May 1, 2017
Tasha

My mother had a frontal lobe stroke two years before she passed. I honestly feel we lost our mom twice, once w stroke and then death. The difference with frontal lobe stroke and strokes in other parts of the brain is my mom had no physical effects from stroke, it just stole her personality. She never remembered my son, she even drank her coffee different. Everything was different, it was like an alien was living in my moms body. And then the day of my son's thiRd birthday,she slipped in a coma. Next day she passed. It's been five years and I still struggle. My life has been full of grief, at six I found my oldest sister dead. I have buried a child. And jan 20 of this year. My son's dad overdosed. I can't deal w it all. I just want a hug from my mom

May 2, 2017
Theresa

Tasha
I am so sorry to hear of all of your sadness
May God be with you because I'm sure he's walking right beside you

May 2, 2017
BLUEBELL

Tasha

I am sorry you have suffered so many losses. If I could be your Mom, I would gather you up in my arms and kiss all the tears away. I think that is what she would have done. God bless you. May you feel your Mom's presence with you today and know that she loves you and wants you to be happy.

Bluebell.

May 2, 2017
rhonda jean

Hi Theresa. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and understand what you mean by it felt like someone else was in her body. My mom had kidney failure and devoloped a condition known as calciphylaxis, which results from very high calcium in the blood. The calcium changed my mom into a different, very angry human being before we even knew what was wrong. She was sweet as can be prior to that - everyone loved here, and she worked as a nurse for 40 years before getting ill. Anyway, I know it's different, but I didn't even know the human being I was taking care of. My nana also had a stroke last year and changed as well, although she did come back to us w ith no permanent damage. Your comment struck a chord. It IS like losing your loved one twice..I totally understand and empathize.
It's only been two years since losing my mom but I struggle too. Perhaps not daily now,p - I don't feel like the wind got sucked out of my life so often, but it hurts and it just a giant hole. Worse, because she did change I have memories of her that I'd rather not remember now. When she was at her worst I kept my daughters away mostly, and now I feel terrible for it. I'm not saying they didn't visit in the hospital or nursing home, but they didn't go as often as they would have if she was not so GRRR, and I didn't push it because I knew how upsetting seeing her this way was. Eventually they did get her calcium under control and she came back to us (again somewhat different, like a child almost) before passing on, but the memories for me never went away and perhaps never will. I hope you find some solace here, I don't often write anything but I do come in and check in when I feel I need to be reminded there are others like me who are mourning their moms. It makes me feel not quite so all alone...and maybe it will help you some too!

May 2, 2017
Tasha

Rhonda
I too kept kids from my mom. Mine were 6, 3 a 1 when she had stroke. We visited but it was short and I would take the kids starving with food for all of us so I knew they would sit for at least ten Mins eating. My mom threw my nephew after stroke, something total out of character. So all visits had to b short and whole time praying kids didn't get too close if she snapped. It's something I regret everyday . I never get dreams of her or little messages and now with my son's dad dying I feel like my heart is ripped more. How can I tell him it's going to b ok?? I was 28 when my mom passed and it forever changed me. What damage has my son's father death done to him? I can't stand the sad look in his big Brown eyes....

May 2, 2017
Theresa

So today I miss my mom a lot, I try not to think too much about it, because the sadness takes me back to the day I last spoke to her.

I spoke with my brother today and told him I miss mom everyday, its really really hard, but I try to keep going.

I feel like this is the way it will be for the rest of my life.

I am just glad I found this site, at least I have people to talk to .

May 3, 2017
Paula Marie

Theresa, I too, am an adult who lost a mother four years ago very, very unexpectedly and still am having a very, very difficult time adjusting to this new "surreality." I feel I've changed so much inside, and not in good ways. I feel angry, hostile, bitter, and sad. If you'd like to private message me, feel free to do so. I also have a dog who acted very, very strangely after her death. He tried to knock her ashes off the dresser, and would howl breathtakingly in the middle of the night both in her room or outside her door. He somehow knew she was gone forever. I've lost a lot of friends since this, friends I've known since childhood, so it must be me. I can't relate to hardly anyone and just want to be alone.

May 4, 2017
Heather

Hi Paula Marie,
I'm so sorry for your losses. Since losing my mom last year, there is a life shift in how I see the world now and it REALLY does change you. I don't have any friends except fir one ( she really GETS what I'm going through -she lost her mom years ago). All of friends from childhood never so much as called or emailed to ask how I'm doing. I really think it is because they don't want to deal with that reality of losing their own mom eventually. I know I was always uncomfortable around people who had lost someone, now I realize how unfair I was to them. What I know now is that you don't need to say or do anything for the person other than to just "be" and listen to them. That is all I wanted from my childhood friends that knew my mom. If one of those friends had just shared a memory of my mom with me it would have meant the world to me and brought such comfort....it is so sad that that never happened. Maybe it is me, like what you said in your post....but I'm ok with that, losing her changed me and I'm not the same quiet mouse anymore. That is something others don't know how to process...this new person that is angry and hurting...so they stay away because it is easier than facing it.... wishing you much peace. Take care
Heather

May 4, 2017
Jane

exhausted. it has been 2.5yrs since my Mom has passed, I'm so tired. I lost all energy to clean my house, to train for races, etc. I am married but I'm not sure if that is going well either. Everything sucks. I don't even have the energy to clean.

So we have a good friend who is in the cleaning business, and I finally called her to ask for help :( I can't believe I am actually getting a cleaning lady. Really? ... but this is what happens when life strips you of all energy you have.

May 4, 2017
Theresa

I'm tired too, everyday is an effort

May 5, 2017
Theresa

So tomorrow will be Mother's Day this is my second Mother's Day without my mom it doesn't seem to get any easier ...

May 13, 2017
BLUEBELL

Mother's Day is hard for me too. This week I spent an entire day in tears. My sister and I donated in my Mom's name to a nonprofit organization that is dedicated to saving our honeybees. Mom used to support this cause.The money goes directly into planting more honeybee habitat and pollinator pathways. Now when I see a honeybee, I will feel closer to her in a physical sense and not just spiritually as I do now.

Bluebell

May 13, 2017
Theresa

So wonderful Bluebell!!!!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow,

God Bless

May 13, 2017
BLUEBELL

God Bless you Theresa. I will keep you in my prayers.

Bluebell

May 13, 2017
BLUEBELL

It is Mother's Day. I miss my Mom. I had a dream about her the other night. In it she was very sick and could not swallow. I ask her if we could have a feeding tube put in just till she was better. But she said no. I got the sense that she did not want to have any life saving procedures done. Some how this dream has made me feel better. I feel like she was telling me it was okay with her to stop the aggressive treatment and bring her home from the hospital on Hospice. That this is the way it had to be and it was the only thing that could be done. Thank you Mom. I love you.

Bluebell

May 14, 2017
Heather

Hi Bluebell,
So glad that your mom came to you in your dream and gave you some comfort and peace! What a gift:-). Wishing you much peace today on Mother's Day and always:-)... Take good care.
Heather

May 14, 2017
Heather

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to send out wishes of peace and comfort this Mother's Day to all of us who are missing our sweet Mom's. This is my first Mother's Day without my Mom and am so dearly missing her infectious laugh and loving spirit. I can't believe that it has almost been a year since she passed:-(.
Take care everyone...sending hugs ((( )))...

Heather

May 14, 2017
Martha

To all,

What a tough day. How bittersweet...

Thanks Heather for your kind message.

Wish I could tell you after years go by it gets better. One learns to live with the pain.

Martha

May 14, 2017
BLUEBELL

This is my first Mother's Day without her. It has been an unsettling day. It is good to have this place to come to and talk openly.

Blue Bluebell

May 14, 2017
Ashley

this also my first my mother's day without my mom. Her birthday was on May 9th, so this week has been really hard. I have spent a lot of money this week because that is my out let. But I have made sure to have my husband and friends already to help but it's just not the same. I couldn't bring myself to go home or to the cemetery today, which i feel guilty about. I tried my best to pretend it was just a normal day. This worked great until my brother law checked in on me and i lost my cool.

May 14, 2017
Theresa

Bluebell, you are so lucky to have her come to you in a dream!

I went to the cemetery to bring my mom roses as I always gave her and on her grave stone was three pennies, no one goes there except for me, and I remembered she used to have a penny or two on the floor of her car. I said mom I know if you could somehow let me know its ok you would.

We all got through it, now for me her birthday is next month she would have been 94.

May 15, 2017
BLUEBELL

Theresa

I think somehow your Mom influenced those pennies to be on her grave for you to find.

My Mom's birthday is also coming up in June. She would have been 99.

Bluebell

May 15, 2017
Theresa

I am just sitting here tonight wondering will my life ever change?

Will I always miss my mom, everyday and everynight?

Will I ever stop thinking about her laying there in the hospital when I just talked to her a half hour before?

I feel blank......I just dont' know..

May 22, 2017
BLUEBELL

I will always miss my Mom. Today I saw a Monarch butterfly and ask her if she was seeing it too. I hope that this has not been taken away from her. She enjoyed beautiful things such as this.

Theresa-I still go over the last moments of her life in my mind. I think I will until I am done with processing it.

Bluebell

May 22, 2017
Theresa

Bluebell, next month will be 1 1/2 years...saying years seems not right.

Can I tell you that I believe she is seeing more beautiful things now than she ever did...

I guess my life is now different and will be until it is my time to leave the earth, my mom used to tell me when we visited the cemetary as we were leaving, "you have to live your life, I lived mine", those words keep going through my mind and I say, its hard mom, really hard.

May 23, 2017
BLUEBELL

Theresa,

"You have to live your life, I lived mine". Your Mom sounds like a very wise woman. I feel like I am getting to know her through your words.

Bluebell

May 23, 2017
BLUEBELL

Bad evening. I am feeling sad and alone. I am going to try and distract myself with watching TV.

Bluebell

May 23, 2017
Theresa

Bluebell, how long is it now?

Take your time, I went in my garage last night and looked over in a box that i have some of my moms stuff and there was her cooking pot that she used to use to make us stew on Sundays, I broke down in tears horribly.

I tell people this has changed my life significantly.

God Bless you Bluebell.

May 24, 2017
BLUEBELL

I feel so alone, scared and lost right now that I can hardly stand it. I hate that she is gone. I know that hate is a strong word, but right now it is the only one that describes how I feel. 3 am in the morning is a bad time to feel like I do. I am by myself with nobody to talk to and nothing to distract me. I tried calling a friend earlier but he did not answer the phone. I just want so desperately to be comforted and know that somebody cares.

Bluebell

May 24, 2017
BLUEBELL

Hi Theresa. I guess I was typing around the same time you were

It was 3 months May 14th on Mother's Day. I am a grown woman. I should not need my mother anymore. But right now I do and she is not here.

I am sorry you felt so bad earlier.

Bluebell

May 24, 2017
BLUEBELL

To make matters worse, the botox I got the other day has taken effect and I feel like I can not cry properly. I thought it would help me feel better if I looked better. But it is not helping at all.

Bluebell

May 24, 2017
Theresa

Bluebell do you know how many times in a day I say mom I wish you were here I need you or say mom do believe that if something happened it's hard very hard I also try to distract myself with work when I'm there and busy I'm OK when I get home I'm busy OK I sleep hardly at night I wake up all the time she's the first thing on my mind I check my finger to see if her ring is on there. So many thoughts cross my mind every day If I must say Sundays are the absolute hardest for me because we used to go there every Sunday like clockwork it's a big void in my life words cannot even describe

May 24, 2017
BLUEBELL

I am sleeping better. But last night I may have gotten about 2 hours. I dread going back to work. How can I function at 100% when I am still grieving. Maybe the best way to try and frame it is that I will do the best I can do. God bless you.

Bluebell

May 24, 2017
Theresa

Yes thats right do the best you can.

May 25, 2017
BLUEBELL

Lesley. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in February. When I think back over the past few months, I have seen white feathers on the ground were I live. I had no idea of the significance until I looked it up just now.

How are you feeling today? Have you been able to get out of the house a little?

Blue

May 28, 2017
Theresa

Lesley, I am sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom December 19, 2015 and it seems like yesterday

May 29, 2017
BLUEBELL

What I am about to ask does not fit in with the theme of this particular thread: I am asking members to go to the "Grief Counseling" support group to help Jules with the recent loss of her husband.

Bluebell

Jun 3, 2017
BLUEBELL

Theresa & Nancy

I have not seen the two of you in awhile. Are you doing okay?

Bluebell

Jun 5, 2017