Nancy I think it does.

I have not posted for awhile. I am doing okay. I had a very bad time of it the other day. A couple of things came in the mail addressed to the Estate of my Mom. The grief of her death came back to me worse than ever. I think it was the finality of "To the Estate of". She is really gone and it hurts. It also hurts to think of packing up her house of 30 years and selling it. I do not want to do that, but that is what is going to happen eventually. I do not know how I am going to get through it.

I feel like my grief is so much more intense than my siblings. Maybe it is because I was her caregiver for the past 3 years and practically lived at her house the past 2 years. I just do not know. 

I am still staying at my Mom's house even though I have my own. Maybe I am just postponing the final separation from my Mom by doing so. Is that wrong? Am I doing myself harm by staying here or is it just cause I am not ready to say goodbye. I still feel connected to her when I am here and I do not want to let that go.

It is so hard not to judge myself in a negative way. I want to feel free to grieve in my way and in my time, but sometimes I think I should be doing it differently. I think I should be moving on with my life already, but it is too hard. I do not want to feel that final separation.

A lot of the time, I do not even know what I miss about my Mom. She loved me the best that she could, but she was not a warm, nurturing person. Yet there was a bond and connection I can not explain. I loved her and I miss her, yet if she were to come back today, I would not go to her for comfort nor would I expect her to reach out and comfort me.

I think I am trying to figure out my relationship with my Mom. Maybe it would be better to leave it alone and just accept her for the person that she was, and accept that I loved her and will always miss her.

Bluebell

The last thing you said is what you should do accept that you loved her and still do and always will not matter what.

I moved so quickly after my mom passed, I cleaned out the house, which she already had pretty empty, she and my father lived there for 60 years.  I went through her drawers put clothes in a bags and donated them to the viet nam vets, kitchen items.  I moved so fast it was crazy, I just felt like I had to put it behind me, kept what I wanted in my own personal container that is in my garage, like my christening dress, photos, a bowl that was her moms, her pizzelle iron which I honored her at Christmas by making them as she did every year.

Had it professionally cleaned painted and new molding put down and refinish hardwoods which were throughout the house.

Put it on the market and the first day we had 18 showings, the first girl purchased it full price, my husband said your mom was with you because he and the realtor couldn't believe it and the realtor wanted to price it the same as the last one in the neighborhood sold for and I said no way and told him what I wanted for it.

I took a video of the empty house which I will keep on my phone but all my memories and in my mind.

It was agonizing, but I managed through it alone, crying.  But I feel the same as you Bluebell, I went there everyday and found comfort, at least knowing I could go there.

Even though it has been almost 1 year and 3 months I miss her just as much.

I still cry.....I always will.

I can imagine how hard it was for you Theresa, but what an amazing outcome.  I hope I manage as bravely as you. 

It has been 24 days since my Mom passed away. I hurt, but it will get better as time passes. 

Today will be hard. Today is the appointment with the Estate lawyer.

Bluebell

This Sunday will be the 1 year mark.  I think about my Mom every day and I can't really say the grief has lessened over the year.  I guess the shock is gone, but life goes on and it will push you along if you get in the way.  That's how I'm feeling.  I'm moving along with life but I don't really feel anything.  Like Bluebell, I'm still at my Mom's house even though I have my own place.  I had moved in a year earlier to help with her care giving.   Her care was shared by me and my brother up until the last visit to the hospital where she passed.  Going back to an empty house would have killed me so I'm at my childhood home working through the legalities of death.  It's hard to receive mail to the "estate of" and working with documents where my Mom is now called the "decedent".  It just seems like a very cold reference.  My Mom was a beautiful loving person and now she's referred to as some kind of item on a legal form.  But a lot of the legal stuff is now behind us.  Maybe with the closure of her estate, I too will maybe find some kind of closure. 

 Gregory yes it does help you to heal and move on, I felt I had this connection as long as I had my childhood home where my mom lived, you really don't move on, but you continue to live because we really have no other choice.

There is not one day that she is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed.

I tell her good night every night and that I love her, I have a small ceramic heart with her ashes in it right next to my bed and I have a small shrine with her photo, the crucifix, and the blessed mother with a candle I light every single night in her memory.

Closure and moving on does not mean that person is no longer in your life.The memories you have of them will always be with you. That is what I am getting from this discussion.

Bluebell

When my Mom died, I was holding her hand , telling her it was okay to go and that we would be okay. I also told her that she would see my Dad and her second husband there. I want to believe that is true.

Bluebell

I believe it is true

Bluebell  You were blessed to be able to be there with your mom, I continue to go over in my mind that I was not

I walked in right after and I swear after she passed her eyes were looking to the right at me. 

I cannot forget that.

I am glad we (her family) were there too. She always said she did not want to die in her sleep and that sh wanted to be able to say goodbye. I think we gave her that. But it was heartbreaking to watch her slip away. Perhaps your Mom wanted to spare you that.

Bluebell

Bluebell, I believe it was not meant for me to be there.

However, I wish I was.

Bluebell, I feel the same, I wonder was she waiting for me, how did she feel before the cardiac arrest, when I talked to her on the phone she sounded the same as any day.

I go over and over the two days before her passing, nothing was wrong at all she just felt constipated, she still went to meet her friends on Friday nite, little did they know that would be the last time they would see her.

I work in retail and it was near Christmas, so I was working non stop.

Of course not my choice.

Her dr of course was blaming her CA on her blood pressure, maybe I don't know.  He was very cold after her passing when I called him like he didn't want to be bothered by me.

I know some days at 92 my mom didn't feel great she suffered with arthritis in her little body, but she was sharp as a tack.

I know I have to let it go that I wasn't there and just lean on my faith.

Its a tough road, the first year was a blur for me, now I am in the second year and I'm not sure how I feel, lost, sad, wish I could see her one more time just to say "I love you mom"

Keeping busy helps, but you can't keep going and going.

My mom was the baby of 11, strangely enough she has one surviving brother he is 95, I really though she was going to be here at least until that age.

It is morning. I am drinking my coffee and crying. I know it is selfish of me, but I miss my Mom and I want her back. I hate that she is gone so much. Yes, there is some comfort in knowing I will see her again. Yes there is comfort in knowing she is no longer bound by her aging body. She wants for nothing now. She has it all. But I am left alone without her. I am so sad.

Bluebell

Bluebell, no its not selfish, I do it all the time, like when I am walking the dog or just when it hits me

I am left alone also, and I miss her so much, I try not to think too much about my grief if that makes sense, because I feel it makes me spiral downward.

Sometimes I just sit and think gosh mom what are you doing now, I pray she knows how much I miss her and would love to have her come to visit in a dream, but I guess she is too busy or she forgot her life on earth and forgot me, we don't know.

It just seems like it has been such a long time since I saw her

Bluebell how are you doing

I have my berevement class on Saturday we meet at the church once a month on saturday.

Does it help not sure but it helps knowing I am not alone.

I am okay Theresa. I still tear up, but I think I am making progress. I have started sorting through part of my Mom's things and grouping them. Some items I know I am going to donate and have set up a day for them to be picked up. I saw my Mom is=n a dream. She was sitting on the edge of a bed, looking tall, slender and YOUNG! Her face looked free from worry. She had a sweet smile on her face. Another time, I was having a bad dream. I heard her call me, but  when I did not wake up right away, her voice got louder which woke me up from my dream. I remember saying "Yes Mom?" I am a worrier. I hope my Mom is not stuck here because she thinks she needs to take care of me. I would want her to move on and be free from this earth. I know this sounds kind of weird, and I am not sure I believe she is still here. But if she is, I do not want to be the cause of it. I want her to be free

Bluebell

She might be because she is worried about you, pray to God that she crosses over peacefully and tell him you will be fine in time.

You are so lucky you had a dream, I wish I could but nothing yet.

Believe me its hard and I am a worrier also, I have generalized anxiety disorder and this put it in full force.

I am trying to control it, but my gosh it awful

Even though it has been over a year, there is one thing I cannot do listen to the saved voicemails I have from my mom, I just cant do it yet.

Remember as you are going through her things she would be very proud of you for having such great strength.

She does not have to worry about me because I will be alright in time. I will pray to God and ask him to help her know that. But I will miss her daily. She was an important part of my life for 98 years. 

I have probably said this before, but this is harder than when I lost my Dad.

I think I have a better idea of what my Mom went through when my Dad died. I wish I had the maturity and the personal experiences to have supported her more. But I was blinded by youth and my own loss to understand hers.

God bless you Theresa

Bluebell

Thank you Bluebell, I feel the same way this is much much harder then when my dad died.

Sometimes I feel like I should have done more for her, but she was so independent.

I miss her everyday and I say goodnight to her every night and tell her I love her.

God bless you also Bluebell

Hi, new to the group.  My mom passed away April 5th 2016 and it's coming up to the first year without her.  She truly is my best friend and was very close to my daughter.  My dad had passed away 8 years prior to.  I never thought at 39 my parents would be gone.   I miss her so much the thought of her gone makes me lose my breath.  When you think about the long term--of how you will have to live 20-30 years without them makes it even more sad.  People say it will get easier but I think that life is a little less brighter without the ones you love.  There is something missing.

Tanya

Welcome. I lost my Mom last month. I know what you mean about feeling like something is missing. I am so sorry for your loss. If you do not mind sharing, how old was your Mom when she passed away?

Bluebell

Hi Bluebell, I'm sorry for your loss.  My mom was 65.  She was diagnosed with a rare cancer in Aug 2014 and passed away less than 2 years later.  What's hard is watching my 9 year old cry for her and she is a pretty strong girl but I encourage her to grieve and allow her to see me grieve so she knows its normal.  When my mom passed away I went to her house and gave her a kiss and told my daughter she did not have to go in.  She wanted to.  She took my mom's hand and sang her favorite song--you are my sunshine.  That broke my heart and now I'm at work in tears.   I find that grief comes out of nowhere when you least expect it.

It was very hard just now to watch my Mom's clothing go out the door in a box. I wanted to donate them, but I did not realize how hard it would be. I think I am going to go cuddle up with my dog for awhile. Maybe that will help.

Bluebell

Tanya

That was so sweet and brave of your daughter.

Yes, I find that many things trigger intense grieving and other just a dull aching and a sense of loneliness. Today was an  intensely emotional one.

Bluebell

Tanya, I am sorry for your loss

Nancy,

It is just ripping me apart tonight. Maybe it was too soon. But what is done is done. I do not feel very amazing tonight, but thank you.

Bluebell

Bluebell, I donated my moms clothes quickly and I kept a large bin I bought at Home Depot with my keepsakes in it.

My mom leased a car and when I brought it back it really hit me more than anything. 

Some days are worse than others I guess I will never stop missing her.

Theresa

Such a couple of bad days for me. Mom's belongings being donated was such a huge trigger for me. I had no idea it would be so intense. I am so discouraged. I am wondering if it will ever get better.

How did you feel when you turned in your Mom's rental car?  Was it really intense? Do you remember how long it took you to recover from it?

I think I need a big dose of hope that it will get better and I will not be stuck in the emotional state that I am in right now.

Bluebell

Thanks Nancy and Theresa.  It's funny when my grandmother passed away, my mom kept a blouse that she wore.  The odd time she would wear it.  My mom kept it 27 years and than my mom passed away and I saw the blouse in the closet.  I took it knowing the sentimental value of it and put it in some plastic.   I could still smell my mom on it.  It's not the clothes but the memories attached to them.  I'm sure donating your mom's belongings was very hard.

When you think about it, your parents are the longest relationship you have (depending on circumstances) so their memory will be attached from a favorite meal, a piece of clothing, a song, a smell...I could go on but they are so entwined in our lives.  Having to say goodbye to a loved one that has been there since your first breath until their last dying breath is not an easy and I don't believe that you ever get over it.  My mom and I are best friends, we fought, laughed and loved.  Did everything together and I lived with her until I was about 32 and we were going to move back in together just before she got sick.  Miss is probably not an accurate word, maybe lost or longing.

Bluebell, that day was awful the finality of it, I cried terribly, I remembered when she leased her car 6 months ago she said to the salesman, what if I die before the lease is over and I said stop it mom....crazy.

Last year I felt like I was in a fog a haze to say

I will say my heart still aches, but today my yoga instructor said to everyone its time to get off the "me" train.......and I know I have been on it for quite a while, my hurt is for me not for my mom, I am sad for me.

I pray and keep my faith for God to give me strength and carry me through this horrible time in my life.

My instructor also said something very deep, tell me what you think he means because I am still thinking it over, he said to everyone "what was your name before your mom and dad were born"

He is on you tube if you want to check him out his name is Johnny Gillespie - Empowered Yoga he is the owner of two studios, I can say yoga has helped me through this.

Theresa

I am on the me train too, I know that. But it has been only a little more than a month. I am still picking up the pieces.

Bluebell

I hope what I said did not sound like I was discounting the path you are on Theresa. I think it is wonderful and will help. I am just not there yet.

Bluebell

Heather, yes I do, I have no one, my husband doesn't even want to hear me talk about it, he ignores me when I do

I have not had a dream about her yet

To me it seems like everyone thinks I should just move on, but I'm not ready, I have thoughts in my head like you wait your parents are still alive, maybe then they will know what I am going through.

Maybe not.

I went out shopping with a friend today. When I saw a pretty wind chime, I found myself thinking "Mom would like that". But there is no more Mom to get presents for. I miss her. I want her back. I wish this was all a very long, horrible nightmare that I could wake up from. 

Bluebell

Thank you Nancy yes I wished that we lived closer also it would be great to talk with you

Bluebell, it took me sometime to go shopping, mostly because of panic and anxiety attacks that take over, but I did and still do the same thing I would look at something and think of my mom, and I would see an elderly person and say gosh I miss my mom so much.

Let me tell you I had a customer on Wednesday that when she looked at me she had the same exact color eyes as my mom and my moms were a off hazelish, very odd color, I couldn't stop staring at her it was like I was looking at my mom, it freaked me out a bit, but then I thought hmmm is it?  I don't know....