Nancy is right Olive seeing a physician is good, I did also.

I truly believe that God is giving me strength to see me through losing my mom.

I don't know if you read the beginning of my post, my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly from cardiac arrest, I talked to her on the phone one hour prior and she was going to the hospital her stomach did not feel well, our last words from her were ok -you know what hospital, right and I said yes mom I am leaving right away, I was pulling in the hospital and I received a call from an unknown number, it was someone from the hospital stating my mom was in full cardiac arrest.  I was blinded, from that point on I was in a haze, walking around like I had no idea what I was doing, do I call the priest do I call the funeral palor, where is her dr, the medical staff walked away like it was just another day for them with the exception of one nurse who said to me "I was talking to your mom and when I turned around her eyes rolled back, she told me it was very peaceful..... really???? Please  -  that was it I never go to talk to my mom again to tell her I l love her, nothing, I am living with that every day...

Nancy - keep your faith and know that God is around you at all times.  Evil entities will always test you.

Yes I did not get to say goodbye but afterall it is not goodbye, it is see you later.  :)

Most people say you are so lucky your mom did not suffer, I said that is because of her belief and love and compassion for our lord.

I truly believe that.

I have friends that also have lost their parent and all they say is my mom/dad suffered so much.

It took me a year to realize it was not meant for me to be there, it just wasn't.

Numbers yes I see 555 always because my dad died on 12/14, mom on 12/19 and grandmom 12/24 count the days between 5

God had his reason and one day I will know.

I miss and love her and all I ask is that she knows 

Olive how are you doing?

Hi. This is Bluebell. I fell asleep on my Mother's couch and woke up dreaming I was helping to save her life with some kind of medical device. Then I realized she was not sitting in her usual chair. Right now my heart is breaking. 

This is so hard! I pray that my grieving becomes less intense very, very soon.

Bluebell

Thank you Nancy for your caring words. Hugs back to you. The intense sadness has eased up for now.

Bluebell

Bluebell, I am so sorry I know exactly how you feel.

Please keep talking on here it does help

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom.

Quote from Rumi

Nancy, I am okay right now which I am grateful for.

Olive, My thoughts are with you on this difficult day.

Theresa, Talking does help and I thank you for your support. I am feeling my way through it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

Bluebell

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, Olive! I hate that you're having to get through this day alone. You should absolutely talk about your dad. You're a whole person, not split in half with two separate losses. I wish we could sit and share a cup of tea together. When I'm alone and upset I rely on my art work or 'comfort' movies or books. Something I know and love that is soothing to me or lifts my spirits. For a long time I also relied on chocolate and ice cream, but don't do that, because I'm still working to lose the weight from it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish I could do more. 

Hi everyone, today is Sunday I used to go to my moms every Sunday, she would cook and we would just talk.

Sundays are so hard for me, now I am having trouble sleeping I am very anxious and that wakes me up, also my anxiety is aggravating my stomach.

Does it get better, it been one year and almost 3 months.

I just wish I could see her one more time to tell her I love her.....

Hi.I dreamed I saw my Mom siting on the side of her bed. She looked young and was sitting up tall with a happy look on her face.. I ask what she was doing here. No answer. I had no idea I would miss my Mom so much' Is it unhealthy that I am still staying at her house even though I have my own? Am I dragging out my grief that way? I do not know what to expect of myself since it has only been 13 days since her passing.

Bluebell, thats wonderful you had a dream of your mom!!!

I have not had any.

I feel like its up to you when you are ready to move on to the next step, take your time.

Theresa, I don't know if it get better... I am just one year ahead of you... it's 2 years 4 months since my Mom passed.  The pain is still great.  I think everything is compounded now.  The smallest argument with my husband turns into a full blown fight.  I have no more energy in me to fight small stuff... I just want to check out of everything in life.  Two of my siblings don't talk to me anymore cause of estate chaos, and although I'm over the initial shock and hurt from it, I wonder what's the point of living anymore.  My husband will be fine without me.  i think the only reason I don't check out is because i have one brother that loves me, that's it.  Last night I cried so hard I thought I lost the one person who truly cared for me and that was my Mom.  Honestly, I just can't wait to die :(

Jane. I am sorry you are in such despair. Are you able to find a grief counselor you can talk to? You deserve to have a better life than this and maybe it would help you have it

Bluebell

Jane, please remember God is right beside you, I truly believe that.

I miss my mom the same, I have no one, my husband is not supportive in that sense.

I can't remember things, I just still feel lost.

But know that we are all here for you.

Bluebell, thanks I had a counselor... but I'll call her again.  I was doing good for a while, but now I'm feeling shitty again.  It just hurts, you know.  Two of my siblings... why me?  All I did was take care of my Mom's estate.  My sister didn't help and because I vented about that, I became the bad guy.  I ended up having to be the bad guy, forcing people to get the condo ready to sell because of the courts, then my oldest brother tells me I'm the bitch... all the while my sister has my Mom's car, doesn't pay anyone for it... but that seems to be okay.  My oldest brother bullied me into forfeiting my $25K check my Mom left me... I handed it to them to take care of the condo cause they couldn't sell... I had to sign off on everything to save my ass from going crazy with their hate.  Why doesn't my oldest brother hate me so much?  Never did a damn thing to him.  Minded my own business my entire life, took care of myself and my Mom. The think that kills me is that I was forced to sign off on all her property, while my sister takes her car and pays noone.  The condo is all in their name and noone considers it at a shame what they did to me.  .. and yet, my sister stalks me on the internet, probably is reading here, reads what I write.. and sends it to my family... and she even got her daughter to hate me as well!!, LOL  I want to tell them I want all my money back I gave your kids all the years.. all the Christmas present and all the birthday presents... because this is how you treat me?  Like shit.  I'm ready to die..... I have no more reason to live :(

...and venting about it does no good... cause my sister stalks the internet and her and her daughter get power when people get pissed that they hurt.. this gives them power.  So I'm stuck. Can't write on the internet... nothing is private.  It's so fucked up... I fucking hate them all. ... and saying all this just gives them power. I'm sure her and her daughter are laughing in their basement right now how much they have hurt me... it's so sick.

my sister could let me die of cancer losing my hair, and dying and she wouldn't give a fuck.  Yeah that how much my sister loves me.. she never did.  .. and her daughter would pull the plug.  My entire life I was so codependent I had to believe they loved me, they didn't.  They've been laughing at dinner tables for years.  Did they think I didn't notice?  Do you think maybe for a second they thought it hurt.. no it was fun to poke fun of me at dinner tables, always laughing at me. ... and now they pull the ultimate abandonment of all... pure abandonment.  I could lose all my hair from cancer, my body eaten up by a disease and my sister and her daughter would still be in their basement laughing.  This is what lingers after your Mom dies...you realize the truth of life, and it hurts that much more.

I hope they are laughing when they find me hanging in my garage

oh wait, they won't find me in my garage, because they would have to visit me for that... haven't visited me for years and I live 2 miles away.  Perhaps I should hang myself from their tree in front of their front window... give them the final goodbye.

You are scaring me Jane. Do you have a plan to kill yourself? If so, go to the nearest hospital and save your life. You are worth it.

Bluebell

Jane? Are you okay?

I'm okay, just sick of it and pissed.  Tired of being treated like shit.. and being controlled.  Can't talk on the internet cause my sister and niece will find it, and abandon me more!!!  I hang on to the hope that one day they will talk to me.. so I can't vent about the current hurt, because then it will add to their abandonment days!!  Can't talk to family cause it will get back to them and then they will abandon me more. Some day I just get sick of it!!  I get tired of being controlled by the abuse of abandonment.  Don't worry I won't hang myself in front of their house, I won't give them the power to laugh at me for the rest of their life saying I was the crazy one.  Some days I just need to vent, and it's hard, cause I know they stalk me on the internet and build up and pile up more and more excuses why they don't talk to me and never will.  Some days it' just hard to realize the people you loved your entire life.. and the people you thought loved you was nothing but a lie :(

Yea. I stupidly thought I could share my grief about my Mom's death with one of my brothers. I just ended up getting hurt. He just does not get it. I envy he is moving on so quickly. 

Bluebell

BLUEBELL sent you a friend request.. would love to talk privately.  My posts are not private anywhere on the forum, my sister finds me everywhere and so does her daughter... I am in a prison of abandonment... until I simply don't care anymore.. just not there yet.

Jane, I am just not sure I could handle your anger. Maybe down the road i can, but not right now. Please try to understand.

My grief over the loss of my Mom is just too fresh right now. I do not want to deal with a lot of conflict. I appreciate you asking me to be your friend, but I would not be doing you or myself any good. God bless you and know that he loves you and will never abandon you.

Bluebell

I have a lot of anger in me also, but not at my family, my m in law

totally dissed my moms death, she didn't even bother to call and say how are you.

So what comes around goes around.

Karma

I am sorry Theresa. Some people are not very caring and your m in law is one of them. I have so many feelings and thoughts marching around in my head, that I think it is going to take some time to figure it all out. Many of them seem to be about my relationship with my brothers and sister. I have no anger at them. I just want them to be closer to me. I want my brothers to acknowledge that it is okay for me to grief as intensely as I am. I want to be able to give myself permission that it is okay for me to grieve the way I am grieving and that the intensity of it is okay.

Bluebell, my only sibling is my brother, he is 17 years older than me, his view on my mom passing was "it was moms time", he believes the lord took her for that reason.

But he is compassionate and caring, but he lives 5 hours away and rarely saw my mom.

I saw my mom if I was off from work during the week and every Sunday like clockwork.

I talked to her 15 times a day just to see where she was and if she was ok.

I used to panic if I called her cell and she didn't answer, my heart would sink in fear that something happened.

Wow did things go down differently.

I get so upset that I aggravate my anxiety which in turn aggravates my IBS, horrible.

I do feel better when I am around people and interacting.

One day at a time is what I keep saying and praying

Theresa,

I saw my Mom every day and night. My own home became a very expensive kennel for my dog and 2 cats. I  only went home twice a day to feed the cats and dog and walk the dog. I worked part time just a couple of days a week for a few hours. As her health further declined, I always made sure my sister was able to be with her. But the primary responsibility was mine. Now that she is gone, I am all off kilter. I can't seem to pack up and leave her home and move back to mine. It is just seems more than I can bear. I thought I would be happy to be able to carry on with my life and go back to the way the it was before I became her caregiver. But it is not. I can't let go yet of what was my routine for so long

Bluebell, in time you will, but right now you are grieving.

Everyone keeps saying to me take your time, sometimes I like I am taking my time, my problem is I keep going over and over things in my head, not they will change

I wake up anxious and when I get to work it distracts me, somewhat.

I am just hoping that one day it goes away and I will be able to 

live again.

"I am just hoping that one day it goes away and I will be able to 

live again."

I know what you mean Theresa. My heart goes out to you. We....meaning all of us on this forum.... are here for eachother. None of us has to go through this alone.

Bluebell

Thank you Nancy. It is a rough day. We are going to have to decide what to do with Mom's house in the next 2 months because of the Reverse Mortgage she took out on it. It really hurts. I know my Mom's house is not her, but they sure seem to be tied together. The thought of selling it seems to be doubling my grief. Bottom line is that reality is slapping me in the face and it feels really bad.

Bluebell

Bluebell, you didn't have to accept my friend request, that is fine... I had a bad day yesterday.  Some days the abandonment from my sister and her daughter just get to me.  It's been 2 years 4mo since my Mom passed away... some days are still very hard.  Bluebell, how long has it been since your Mom passed?

Feb. 14th 2017. I guess that makes it 2 weeks ago already

what?, 2 weeks... I am so sorry :(

Thank you Jane

Bluebell

I'm really sorry, I had no idea it was that recent.  Not that it makes it any better as time goes, but it kind of does, sadly.  I am so very sorry at the loss of your Mom.  How old was she?  My Mom was 80 when she passed.

98 years old.  She was still walking, getting her hair done every week and her mind was still good. She drove till the age of 94

awww Bluebell, I'm so sorry.  I know it doesn't help how old they were. So many told me I should be grateful I had my Mom that long... and I am... but it's still very difficult.  

Bluebell God Bless your mom, gosh having all her faculties at that age is a blessing

My mom did the same at 92 she drove, went to church everyday, went to meet her friends at the diner and pumped her own gas, she said if she could start the lawn mower she would cut her own grass.

I was blessed

I am sorry for asking again Bluebell, did you mom get ill, I didn't read all the posts.

Let me add something, it does not matter how old  your mom it was your mom

Someone in my berevement class eluded to my moms age and what difference did it make that she went in cardiac arrest even though she was not ill.  

Every class I go to I hope he is not there and he is a doctor......go figure

He lost his 28 year old daughter to pancreatitis, age means no difference when you lose a loved one.