I like to think Mom would want me to live my life to the fullest after she is gone, knowing that I did my best to care for her while she was here.  It doesn't make the loss any easier, but certainly makes the future a bit less bleak, once some of the pain of loss lessens.  We all have to move forward, as hard as it may be.

your right jeff she would want that....i miss my mom terribly but i know she wants me to be happy and i am living life to the fullest....i cry almost every day but iknow she wants me to go on....her death date is Dec. 8 and im singing in a concert that day....it will be a blessing and a nice tribute to her

Reading these posts are really helpful as I see others experience many of the same things I have and am going through.  It does help to know what I feel is "normal" as in day to day living many do not talk about their loves ones passed and at times I feel awkward in speaking about my late mother.  I will not stop though as she was such a large part of my life it is my way of keeping her memory alive and not tucking it away as though she did not exist.

Just happened to read your post again Shawna and the words 'get over it' sprang out.  You never get over it so your husband does not know anything about this to be honest.  And none of us are expected to.  You can try to adjust to the new life and function like you have been doing quite well I would think but you want to run from people who ask you to get over it.  It's not their fault, they don't know. 

You never 'get over it' you just "get used to it"

The difference with medical malpractice, though, is that there's actually at least one (sub-) human to blame for the so-called error. So it's very difficult to get over/used to any of it. While my family's lawsuits won't bring mom back, we can at least try to squeeze as much money out of the killers as possible to hopefully make it hurt them as much as they hurt us - or to least make them never forget what they did to mom.

I have heard the "move on" more than once this past week.  I am not able to.  I have a lot of my mom things at my home.  My husband said I needed to get rid of some stuff.  I can't, I just can't.  He is right, i do not need another bedroom set, I do not need anymore kitchen things, I do not need anymore nick nacks.  But they were my moms.  I can't do it. 

Looks like most of the husbands are not getting it ?  Can't 'move on' so quickly, looks like this term is being used worldwide.  Can't 'get over it' but that's perfectly ok.  Jeff, tell us how you 'get used to it'.  The fact that one cannot make those regular calls is a killer.  The reassurance is missing, makes me not so strong anymore like I used to be.

sometimes its mentally tough and on some days physically tough. Had this huge issue last week where I experienced shortness of breath.  Dizziness in the first two months sometimes now.  On that note, Iwould suggest to all to avoid driving if you can.

I agree. One of the reasons for my impending divorce is that my wife expected me to get over my loss quickly and to focus on her. As time passed and the pain eased up a little, our marriage eased up as well. After all, who would want to spend a lifetime with someone who only seems to care about you when times are good? If I'd only known that this would happen before I signed on the dotted line....

Dear Dave,

     I am very sorry that your wife does not understand that when someone really close to you passes away, one just does not just "get over it". Grief isn't a destination that we visit while the funeral and last business affairs are being taken cared of, it is a journey. This journey is as individual as a fingerprint - some travel it quickly some travel  the road very slowly. The journey is yours and you will travel it your way and in your time, which is how it should be.

     One reason for her frustration may be that she has not experienced the loss of someone very close to her. The day that she looses someone dear to her, unfortunately she will "feel" what it is like to have your heart ripped out and passed through a meat grinder. The only difference then will be you will understand, and can really help her. She will need you . . .

     It is my hope for you, that can rethink and put the divorce on hold. This just is NOT the time for any major decisions to be made.

From your mouth to G-d's ears. Unfortunately, it's already a done deal as mom was killed 18 months ago and our problems were building up over many months. My wife has lost several people close to her, including a lifelong friend who was murdered on 9/11 in one of the World Trade Center towers and whose remains, I believe, were never found. It would seem that too much grief can lead to a lifetime of bitterness. And this is what I've seen with her. We have decided to remain friends and keep in touch even though we're 7,000 miles apart - she in Florida and me in Israel. But as is always the case, only time will tell. But thanks for your kind words of encouragement anyway. :-)

So sorry for your loss Dave.

Makes me feel so sad we are going through so much, and yet most people around us do not "get it". As if losing one's mother was not devastating enough to have to deal with all this additional stuff.

Today I feel completely lost. Have felt this way since the day Mom passed. Just going through the motions everyday. And, don't think I will ever "get over it". Honestly, to see how people do not care is making me value even more the love for my mother, and her love for me. So, I just don't talk about it with people anymore. And, relationships have fallen by the waste side along the way because now the masks are off and we get to see what people were really like all along.

Thank God we have this site to share otherwise I personally would think there is something horribly wrong with me because I miss my Mom so very much.

Dave - that is her loss!

Lisa S, life is not really fair and you are on the mark. I have lost faith to some extent.  

Shawna, relax a bit.  I would say don't take the people tooo seriously at least now I know that they don't really know.  And yes, do keep talking to her. Work on the grief at your own pace.

Well at least we still have each other on here to share with. We understand each other here and we never judge because we are all in this grief mess together. It's a different world out there. They just don't get it. So I just don't talk about it with people out there. I have lost a few friends during this process. But that's ok. In bad times like this is when we see who our true friends are. The people that accept me for the way I am now are the ones that I want in my life. 

Pick one or two close contacts to talk about this, especially if they are the type who know a bit about grief. 

I'm sorry I feel bad and selfish. Just been reading comments and not contributing. My grief just seems to be getting worse (my mom died last Dec) and I just don't seem to be able to reach out to anyone on here. I don't really know what to say to anyone on here anymore either.

I think all of us don't really know what to say anymore to some degree. I just came back from having a minor sports injury checked out and I always balk at answering the question about whether my parents are alive and, if not, how they died. While dad is fine B"H, I never really know how to answer when it comes to mom.

I cannot come to grips with the fact that not only my dad is gone (last year)but now my mom is gone (late August this year). I feel so much like an orphan, being an only child. My family is trying to be patient with me. I work full time, and sometimes like today, I cannot go in. I am either stressed, up all night unable to sleep thru the night, or full of grief. I have come to terms that my mom & best friend is not coming back. But it still hurts so bad! I need this site to express my feelings. Sometimes it is all just unbelievable!

I can see where you are coming from Boabie.  One thing you touched upon and not really talked about is the gap between both parents.  It hurts big time.  And sometimes it does'nt because the numbness comes back.

boabie i feel you, i really do...i lost both my parents and think about my mom every day,wanting tojust grab the phone and call, you will be fine,keep hanging in there

Danny you are right about the gap between both parents. It seems like I either hurt bad or feel so numb. Rachel, I do the same thing, I can be anywhere and I will think "I need to call mom."
then it hits me, I can't. I know we all have to go on, it is just hard.

being an adult "orphan' is a big adjustment, particularly for us "onlies"...there's a deep sense of loneliness that never really goes away...

OMG Jeff R, I could not of said it better myself as an "only!"

Surprisingly, I found great comfort in my religion after listening to a series of audioclasses (http://www.chabad.org/multimedia/media_cdo/aid/527957/jewish/Afterl...) about the afterlife. I'm not preaching here whatsoever but maybe you can consider finding something similar in your own belief system that could help you through your grief before giving up faith in whatever deity you believe in. After all, knowing how and what mom is doing today and how her journey has been thus far has helped me to focus more on that and less on the terrible circumstances that led to her death in May 2012.

Dolly, since your page is set to private, I wasn't able to respond to your message so my abridged response is below:

What I learned comes from a rabbinical Jewish understanding so some of the concepts might not be applicable to your beliefs if they differ. As many of us probably believe already, the souls have no physical form so disabilities and other outward issues are irrelevant at this point. The apparent coincidences that you've noticed are exactly what you think they are. Being contacted from the other side isn't unusual and I've had a number of similar experiences. I've heard a song in my head and then it suddenly came on the radio. Probably the most peculiar event where mom decided to make her presence known was when I was at the Ministry of the Interior in Haifa last week and she appeared under a photo of Binyamin Netanyahu. She always thought he was handsome so her appearing there was obviously a manifestation of her great sense of humor. In a nutshell, after she died she appeared before a court where her entire life played like a DVD in front of everyone but with the audio off and her "thought track" on. So the judges could hear what she was thinking at the time and not what she actually said. Since we don't believe in the common idea of hell, after spending no more than one year waiting to get into one of His unlimited academies, she received her assignment and is studying now. She was sent to one of the limitless academies to study Torah on a level that we here can't imagine. As are all those who have passed on. Imagine being in school forever 24 hours a day six days a week. Literally. It's a not a bad thing of course. I was surprised to learn that they follow the same sense of time that we do here with a six-day study week and Shabbat/Saturday off. I haven't gotten that far in the series to know what they do with their "free time" as it were. When and if the time comes and it's determined that she's needed to complete another "mission," 40 days before conception, part of her soul (we actually have souls with three distinct parts) will be sent back here to fulfill an as yet unknown series of tasks. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that she could come back as any red-blooded creature since the soul is in the blood, not specifically human blood. So the next time you see what appears to be a brilliant dog, a clever cat or whatever, there's far more to that creature than meets the eye. That's why being kind to our non-human friends is actually more important to some degree than our human friends as stated in the Book of Mishlei. We can defend ourselves and they can't and they must be fed first before we feed ourselves. It gets quite complicated at this point but this is at least a brief idea of the rabbinical understanding of the afterlife.

Wow, Dave. Great post on the afterlife. Reading "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton helped during this process. I, as you know our mothers are in a wonderful place in the spiritual realm. We are the ones left here missing them forever, but in time we can turn all this, and help others that are grieving. To honor my mother's memory is my new mission in life. I want to make her proud til we are together again.

Dear Dia:

Do not blame God, we all chose our life path, the more difficult the life, the more advanced the soul is. Try to read the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton, it did me good. Your mother is a much better place than this, she is with all our mothers that have passed over and with their families that have passed, as well. You will see in due time that the suffering turns into a deeper understanding of the spiritual, and you will feel the Peace of God all around you. Your mother lives on, the soul is immortal. It took me over a year to have the energy to look for this site even though a good friend told me to do so for months. Look at you, you are here, doing all the right things. Have faith in yourself. I have.

It seems to me that the main point of this holiday is to celebrate more the soul and less the body as explained below. Maybe trying to look at things from the inside out might help to make your grieving a little less painful.

"The celebration of Diwali as the 'victory of good over evil', refers to the light of higher knowledge dispelling all ignorance, the ignorance that masks one's true nature, not as the body, but as the unchanging, infinite, immanent and transcendent reality. With this awakening comes compassion and the awareness of the oneness of all things (higher knowledge). This brings ananda (joy or peace). Just as we celebrate the birth of our physical being, Diwali is the celebration of this Inner Light." (Wikipedia)

Well Dia, the fact that you are crying is healing and your posting about your pain, as well. It is understandable. And, in due time you will realize that your mother's memory is not just her passing. Her life with you will eventually resurface in your being, and the love which is an unbreakable bond will be predominant. 

There is something very spiritual about this group. Sometimes, as it is for me today I feel depleted, and a comment like yours Dia made me feel like there is a light that we can shine unto others, and it get reflected back to us at the precise moment when it is needed the most. Thank you.

You've done well Cynthia.  Going through the motions and doing what you have to do is the right thing for now. 

the first 5-6 months, you are just walking in a fog of pain and grief...it does start to lift eventually, becoming less oppressive.  But, it still hovers.  Does it ever go away?  I'm not sure.

Little things disrupt my thoughts. For example, my mom had her finger slammed in a door, and had to have a skin graph when I was a kid. For the life of me I cannot remember what arm the graph was on, nor the finger of her replacement skin. I know that it was her middle finger and arm that had the graph, just not sure if it was left of right? Don't ask me why that began to bother me. My husband pointed out there is no reason I need to remember. But, at 8 weeks the loss is still so painful! Thank you all for listening to my rambling. It is great to be able to come hear and share with y'all.

Indeed Jeff that 5-6 month period is when the grief and pain is raw and at its most intense.  I would even go with 11-12 months since the anniversary comes around and the grief attacks come in.  Not sure of anything after that.

It hurts so bad to think about my mom being gone from me, her grandkids and greatgrandkids. At this point I put all her pics away except two pics that are group pictures. It is just too painful to look at what I have lost. Am I alone, or has anyone else put away their pics? I want to bring them out eventually, but I cannot yet. I think people think I'm crazy, I am just not ready!