Happy Birthday Jeff. My birthday this past Monday was hard too, the first without my mom.

Well talking of birthdays my first one was like 2 days after it all happened so I really did not realize what was going on at the time.  So I think for me it will be really the next year that it will sort of feel like the first birthday without getting THE call. 

Dear Jeff:

I know a birthday without our Moms will not be a happy one. Rather, let's think on our birthday our Mom were the happiest ever because they brought us into this world. And, in their honor we should be thankful. May the Peace of God be with you today and always.

thanks for the kind words & thoughts :-)

Dia I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman.  I too think why did God make my mother suffer, why was she so sick.  It is just so hard to see them like that.  One of the last things before my mom went into ICU was I was holding the trash can up to her mouth so she could vomit.  She then wanted to sleep so I left her, that night she went into ICU and died a day and a half later. 

Tomorrow will be 9 months since my mom passed.  I don't know if I can say it is any easier.  My birthday will be coming up with in the next month.  My mom always called me.  The last time she ever called me was on my birthday.  She was having a good day that day. 

@ Jeff I know how you feel as an only child. My mom dies Aug 24th, exactly two weeks before my birthday. I did not want to even have a birthday, I was so hurt and angry! I am trying to be the strong woman she would want me to be, but it is hard.  I am sending you the biggest hug possible!!!!

Yup, this is when being an only child is the pits..people assume we get all of the rewards that would normally be shared among siblings growing up.  But, we get all of the burdens later on when it comes to elder care, with little to no support. And all of the grief when it's over.  But, we all do our best w/the hand we are dealt in life, as did my Mom.

@ Danny: my partner doesn't help me talk through it. Emotions aren't his specialty. We have been together half my life so he knew my Mom very well and I know he misses her but he never brings her up. So I try to cry quietly and in private if I can help it. Only she can really bring me solace anyway and she is gone.

I acknowledge my grief is still new but...her loss is so traumatizing and multifaceted that I doubt I can ever fully process it. Incessantly I replay that last day and what I could have/should have done differently to save her, the mundane things we talked about when I could've have been telling her how much she meant to me. Foolishly believing we would have so much more time! 

My sister has a saved voicemail from my Mom: "Happy Birthday, Baby, I love you," that she has agreed to let me listen to on my birthday Jan 6th - my 30th and first without her. As old as my Mom was when she brought me into this world. I haven't heard her voice in so long....the last time I heard it was in a dream... how I miss her so!

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to talk. Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

Every person handles grief differently and for a different period of time.

Hi Cynthia, we are here for you. I am always available to talk, and am going thru the loss of my mom as well. So, contact me when you need to talk.  God bless you!

i deleted so many messages from my mom and i have none.  and i miss my mom's voice.  i know i could dig up some old VHS home movies, but that would be too difficult for me to watch, i don't do it.

my condolences to everyone.

Yes as Brenda said I do a lot of talking.  As Kristin and Cynthia and Michael point out, a spouse/partner/siblings may not be the best people here.  They may not 'get it', so really I am relying on a few close contacts and my landlady who seems to be really knowing how to take small steps.  Cynthia talk to me if you need to and Kristin too. Michael: You're doing the right thing.

I get these feelings on and off like Dia, the whole package of disbelief etc.  I feel really vulnerable at times and wonder if love can be found unconditionally.  It is the new normal. It is like if I am in hospital no one cares really.  I am questioning the meaning and purpose of life too Dia.  Going about my routine though as best as I can.  Let's see. Take it easy Dia.

Dear friends:

I feel blessed to have found this site. It took me a lot longer than all of you to have the strength to even look for it at a friend's suggestion. That speaks volumes as to how together you all are in spite of it all. The first few month I was in a daze, in shock. Questioning every decision that was made regarding my mother. How I could have saved her. It is all here said by you, and it helps to know our feelings, our pain is absolutely normal. My mother was my life. My life revolved around her. She was my very best friend, an example of everything good. I wish I could tell you that life gets better after a year has passed, it becomes bearable. But, part of the great suffering is turning into a state of gratitude for I know that most people never had the wonderful experience of having someone that remarkable in their lives. And, I can now say that I love my mother today even more, if that is possible. And, with complete certainty I tell you all that you will be reunited when our day comes in our REAL HOME which is the spiritual realm. Meantime, our Moms are watching over us, and wanting us to to the best we can in their honor.

If I can help anyone, please do not hesitate to email me, or meet me on chat. We are family here.

Peace.

Great post by Martha.  I love the statement 'watching over us' it makes me feel less vulnerable.  So there is a gap yes and yet, it is being watched over.

It is indeed amazing to see how the spouses are just waiting so that the grieving person can become a bit 'better'.  To be honest it is just ridiculous when I read this and is further proof of the fact that unconditional love is very hard to get even from the partner. It is not real security.

Indeed, when the man I dated for years (we were still "friends") told me to get rid of all of my mother's things, but a photograph. Instead of doing that, I got rid of him.

Danny is right. Now that my mom is gone(5 weeks ago yesterday).
I realize that the person that loved me unconditionally is gone.
I have had trouble working and sleeping, because my "best friend"
is no longer here! I was a mess on my b-day, because it was just 2 weeks after mom's death. I don't want to even think about the up and coming holiday season.

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Sorry folks, tried to delete the first post, but it did not.

Yes UL (Unconditional Love) is hard to get and we have to strive to get something close to that with the people who we are in touch with.  We all are human Cynthia and took our parent's UL for granted to some extent and did not realize this until now. This UL is there spiritually as someone is watching.  Take care. 

Yes Dia. Well said. We are all united here by our common loss and grief. So sorry for your loss. Hang in there. We are here to support you always. It's been 8 months for me and I still feel like a lost soul walking around in a daze. I miss my Mom soooo much. We were sooo close. Like best friends and now she's gone and I feel soooo lost. Like a truck ran over my heart and I'm left standing alone on the side of the road.

I am so sorry you all feel so sad. As for myself, just finished having a long cry in my mother's room. Wish I was as strong as Mom was. All there is left is to ask God to give us the strength to make it for one more day.

Its tough and I have all the same feelings as Angela, the truck and walking around in a daze.  I make it through the routine but I know there is shock and disbelief sitting inside me.  Perhaps it is hitting me only now.  I am strong in that I have handled the last 15 years on my own mostly and not physically there together but mainly visiting. But I felt she was on this path with me together and the fact that I cannot pick up the phone is killing me.  4-5 months later this is where I am but I am trying to survive myself and support people here too.  No idea how everything will turn out.  I will give it time but who knows ? I asked God for something simple and even that I did not get.

Our Moms are in Heaven, they are seeing us suffer beyond measure. Is it possible that seeing us like this is making them really, really sad? Do they perhaps want to see us remembering all the love and wonderful memories they made possible for us? I was just wondering...

It is possible that the raw grief we are going through is making them sad.  We are all trying to survive though so they can see that too I think and hope.

When you are responsible for your Mom's care, and she finally, inevitably passes, it does feel like failure.  I'm sure many of us can identify with that.  When a parent has a terminal, or even slowly progressing ongoing condition (alzheimers, parkinsons, etc). we all do everything we can.  Sometimes for years.  And we are always trying to earn more "borrowed time".  But at some point it runs out and then the grief begins.  It will ease over time Dia, but yes, your feelings are completely normal.  We all have to adjust to the "new normal"

Many here had a slow decline in health of the parent.  On the other hand, sudden can be traumatic as it is completely unexpected.  It can take a while just to even start grieving.

For me I was not much into my birthday especially for many years so I won't feel it that much except Parent's day and to some extent parent's birthdays. I really miss the perspective, the conversations and assurance that was integrated into my day to day life, even though I did everything myself. All the unconditional support.  That's for me the killer.  Yes it was a sudden thing and yet, at least there was not any suffering involved at all.  Traumatic for me though.

Yes Cynthia truly is the key word you use.  From my grief work including readings etc, they say you become a true adult only when this happens.  No idea what it means though.

Cynthia, yes I have wondered the same thing. Danny, it is true. Now at a deeper level I feel like an adult after losing both parents. The psychological child side in me that knew Mom was there to listen to, to love us no matter what is gone. Carl Jung defined that in his work. It changes us to know there is no parental love no longer on this earthly plane. But, really at a spiritual level they are there for us, loving us, protecting us.

Dia, this is what we are here for. To grieve, to say how we feel, later on to comfort others. No need to apologize. You now belong to the family of this wonderful website with brothers and sisters that really care.

Yes what Martha said is true and it holds whether the person is 30 or 57.  True adult.  That is the more difficult part and can take a very very long time to come to terms with. 

Dia, you said my feelings exactly. I knew my mom was dying (6 weeks tomorrow)but I just went thru life crying and wondering how on earth I would be able to live w/o her! Her headstone just went in and I went to visit it today. I cried the entire time. Don't know when I will actually be ok, just going to take life one day at a time. I don't know what I'd do w/o this site. I miss my mom so very much!

My condolences to everyone.

one year ago today I was speaking at my mom's funeral.  I miss you mommy.

Thank you Michael, likewise. I am so sorry. 

My mother passed last year. From no particular illness, she just fell, lost consciousness and was taken to the hospital. I think they put her through so many tests (nothing wrong found) when she came out her health had deteriorated, less than three weeks later back to the hospital, so many tests... By the time she came home she could hardly walk. She was here in hospice for a week. And, on my father's birthday she told me she was ready to leave this world. Within 48 hours she was gone, those hours were just the worse thing ever. And, that was last year, it has been a long and painful road for me. Now, I have days when I do feel the Peace of God surrounding me, yet there are moments like now when a wave of sadness overwhelms me. I have not gone thru all her things. Just open a dresser drawer, and there I found business cards for all the different jobs I have had in my career and a devotional card of Saint Jude. Dear God, who does that? Only a wonderful mother thinks of that. In another box I found my father's driver's license, their names on a checkbook from their account of years ago, a devotional card with Jesus on one side, and a prayer.

Please forgive me for the comparison, but i feel as if i went thru a war, a war to keep my mother alive and well, and the war was lost. And, nothing will ever be right. 

Wish I could be up as I am most of the time, but my heart aches and need to let it out.