Mark, don't let anyone tell you to get over it, there is no bond stronger than that of a mother and child, for me it has been almost one month now and i am totally alone, i have no family other than some cousins, most of which live far from me, they try to help me via facebook, one cousin has been amazing with his support considering he lives half way across the country. i am blessed to have some great friends who are more like brothers and sisters to me than just friends.

but on those times when i am alone (most of the time) the memories come back and like you there are some days when i can hardly even function, i took care of mom for the last few years of her life, she lived here with me all that time and was with her every day, when i went somewhere i took her with me as i had no one to stay with her, but now looking back i am glad for the extra time i was able to spend with her. her last birthday in June was great, i was able to get most of the family who lived within 100 miles and friends to be there for her, she loved it, and it was the last time many of them got to visit with her, and they all mentioned to me after she passed how thankful they were to be there.

Mark i can't really tell you any more than others have said here, just keep trying to stay busy (it really does help) if you need to be alone to grieve, so that, it helps as well., also for me looking through photos seems to help me (that may or may not help you, but give it a try)

I wish you the best and i will say that this site has been a big help to me, so many people going through the same thing, is a great comfort, i know i am not alone and there is support out there.

Brad and Mary, thanks for the kind words.  Unfortunately, I pretty much expected my moms sister to say the things she did.  She's built that way.  She scripts everybody to her liking.  I wish there was a book called things not to say to the grieving for dummy's 101.  Ironically, one of the lessons I've learned in all of this is what I'd never ever say or do to someone who is suffering a loss of a loved one.  The wrong comment can definitely be a triggering point.

I want the rest of this year to hurry up and finish.  One of the hardest things is recalling a year prior and what was happening at this time.  I don't know if it's a form of post traumatic stress syndrome or what it is but when stuff like that hits it's almost like you see certain events in a slide show in your mind and it's unbearable.  I'm constantly saying to myself it's really hard to believe all of that took place.  I'm not sure if I'm suppose to embrace that horror so it will go away or fight the images.  I tend to push them away and I think that's what exhausts me because I'm constantly having a battle inside of me to avoid all of that but I just don't want to go there and relive any of that.

It's so funny because I say to myself it's going to be ok I'm going to make it.  I am making it and in the same thought I'm also wondering why do I want to make it?  LOL

I'm a yo yo  hahaha well, you know what I mean.  Thanks again for the responses.

Mark -- I can so totally relate to the "slide show in your mind." I think the problem is that I can't seem to turn it off. And I can't control when it appears. Oddly, brushing my teeth has become an awful time. I seem to drift quickly into a sobbing session, which is a disaster with toothpaste in your mouth! I guess it's just empty time, and that's when those last few days haunt me so... I think we could all actually write that book (Things Not to Say to the Grieving for Dummies). I know I have a list in my head just from this one friend of mine. She was never close to her mother, so she doesn't have a clue... I can't say for sure because my experience has been different from yours, but it sounds like the feelings you're dealing with now really are a form of PTSD, or maybe an "anniversary" type of thing. Plus, I think autumn is just sort of a sad time, anyway. The life force is subsiding all around us; it has to reflect what we're feeling somehow... You are going to make it, Mark, even though you don't know how or why. Maybe you'll know the right thing to say to someone who posts on this board one day, and it will help them immeasurably. I know that doesn't feel like a good reason when you are in the middle of so much pain; nothing would feel like a good reason because reason has nothing to do with it... Do you have anything of your mother's that you can keep in your pocket so that she's "with" you all the time? I wear an anklet of my mother's; somehow, it helps. Then there are those times that you described in an earlier post when there is nothing but brutal pain. Those are such difficult times, but they are totally normal.

What a wonderful gift you gave everyone in your family, Brad -- not just your mother -- by getting your family together for her last birthday. A star in your crown! BTW, this is the first time I've seen a picture of your mother; she looks like an angel.

I can't imagine waking up tomorrow and it will be my mother's birthday. I have done nothing but cry today, I will go to her grave and put down flowers. I am alone. One of my friends offered to go out for lunch to celebrate my mother's life. After tonights meltdown, i don;t know if I will make the day tomorrow.

I am sorry MSB.  I hope you will consider going to celebrate your mother's life with your friend.  What a great way to honor your mother.  My moms birthday is coming up-Halloween.  It was always a fun time, but will have to see how it goes this year.

Last week, it sounded like a good idea. But, i am not sure i won't break down crying.

MSB -- If she's a good friend, it will be OK if you break down crying. Real friends get it. I do understand how you feel, though. My mother's birthday is in October, and I don't know if I could celebrate or not. One thing I do know is that she wouldn't want me to be sad.

I am trying to get through this day. I went to the cemetary twice, brought my dog the second time. I just don't know if i can last the rest of the day. Hard to imagine, I had a few really good weeks.

I lost my Mom July 23 to lung cancer. Its only been 2 months, and a day has not gone by that I don't cry because I miss calling her, I miss seeing her, I miss her hugs, I miss her words of wisdom and advice, I miss everything about her, no one can replace her, and no one can grief the loss for me, or anyone else, no one can tell you what is normal and what is not normal, I do know that extreme depression can  hit much later after the death, months later, anger is normal, I am mad at my Mom even for not telling me she was so sick because she didn't want to worry me. The best thing for me is to take it one day at a time, and surrender to the thought that I could of controlled anything about the situation, I have to remember to stay living in the solution not the problem, I have to keep living, even if I can hardly lift my head up off the pillow in the morning to give up would be the total opposite of what my Mom would ever want me to do. I thank God every single Morning for giving me her for a Mom. She was the best Mom I could of ever asked for. Losing her just totally totally sucks, and the pain is so horrific. I pray for God to help me heal, and show me how to heal the wound. Its all I know how to do. Its okay to hurt, aand its okay to feel that pain, and it is okay to cry. Those tears are healing us from the inside out. One moment at a time, just keep trying and know that you are not alone. Love, Lynda

My Mom shared this Poem with me a few months before her death. I got married just about 3 months before she died, and this was her words of advice for me. I will never forget it. And I hope it helps...

Risk



To laugh, is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep, is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another, is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings, is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd, is to risk being
called naive.
To love, is to risk not being loved in return.
To live, is to risk dying.
To hope, is to risk despair.
And to try, is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing,
and becomes nothing!
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply can not learn, and
feel, and change,
and grow, and love, and live.
Chained by his certitudes he is a slave, he's forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free!

Anonymous

msb my heart breaks for you on this day.  My heart breaks for everyone on this entire site that has to experience the loss of a loved one.  I know your pain.  I just went through what you are going through in regard to your moms bday.  When the sun rises tomorrow you will realize once again you made it through another painful moment.  I have to be honest.  I don't know how we keep carrying all of this but sincerely I swear if I could carry everyone else's pain  along with mine I would.  There are moments I feel like Teflon with all of this because of so much that happened prior to mom's death.  I've learned for myself crying... I mean really crying from your deepest part of your soul does feel good.  I do it alone.  I fight it but afterwards where ever that comes from it does feel like a release a little bit.  I also journal things when I feel overwhelmed.  I actually write letters to my mom.  I'm raw, real, and very bold in my comments while writing them.  It also helps.  Yard work seems to help some times.  Even just standing with the hose watering instead of letting the sprinklers do the work.  I don't know why that one works.  I put my sun glasses on just in case I cry and take deep deep breaths.  I've also told myself the following some times... One of us unfortunately had to go.  For as gut wrenching as this loss is to endure I'd hate to see my mom in this much agony over my loss so if this is lifes cycle I'll carry it.  I hate it. I Won't ever really accept it but I'll do this until I know I just can't do it anymore and I'm sure just about the time I say ( and trust me I've thought I've already been there ) I can't do this anymore I'll hear her say... Shhhh!!  You gotta live! 

Thank you Judy for the kind words, you mentioned to Mark about keeping something of his mother on him to remind him of her, i was going through Moms things the other day and found her cross, i am going to get a new chain that will fit me and wear it around my neck, i gave that to her probably about 30 years ago for mother's day i think it was, or maybe her birthday, but i think that will help me a lot to keep it close to my heart, where she resides for me now.

MSB don't worry about breaking down in front of your friend, as Judy said a true friend will always understand and do what they can to comfort you, i broke down a few times at the hospital in front of friends, family and hospital staff, society tells us that as a man i am not supposed to cry or show emotions in public, well i flat out don't give a darn (cleaned up that word) i am 54 years old and at a point in life where i could care less what society thinks of me, first of all i could not control the emotions, when the ER docs told me it was a life ending event that she suffered i broke down in the ER and it took awhile for me to get myself in control, they were very understanding, they see it pretty much every day i guess. at her funeral in front of everyone i was fine, but later that day at my home with just a couple of very close friends i broke down again, one male friend and one female friend hugged me and they even cried, that helped me more than i can express in words, at her funeral i saw the true love that so many had for her, and that made me happy. i was and will always be so thankful to those very close friends of mine.

Thanks to all who responded about my mother's birthday. It was a terrible day. However, I did get together with friends in the afternoon and one of my best friends spoke to me tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow it will start to get better again. At least until thanksgiving!

MSB -- You did it! I understand that it was a terrible day, I really do. But you should be proud of yourself for going out with your friends. I have to force myself to get out of here sometimes, and even though it's very difficult, I find that it does help.

Brad -- I think grief does make one not give a d*** anymore about what people think of them. In a way, it is refreshing to at last be yourself, to let your true feelings show through. I am 66, so I probably give even less of a d*** than you do! By letting go, you give those around you permission to let go, too. Maybe your friends were holding back until you released them by crying. Family is wonderful, but there's nothing like a good friend... I'm glad you found that cross to wear. I think you'll find that it's really comforting. I've also put photos of my mother around the house -- I have one in my kitchen because she & I spent a lot of time in the kitchen together. It still hurts to look at them, but I'm glad to see her in every room. I would put some photos here on this page, but it seems the format of the site has changed, and I don't know how to do it anymore. I put a picture of my mother (& my new dog) on my page.

Mark -- That was an awesome post! So "from-the-heart." I understand that kind of crying you write about. It does feel like your very bone marrow is weeping, screaming in pain. When I hit the wall like you described, I can hear my mother telling me to be strong, to live my life. She lived with such gusto; I cannot capture that, but I can at least know that she would want me to carry on. The cycles of life will go on no matter what.

Brette you hit on one of my own personal key pains in this loss.  For example it's a little past 2 in the morning and I can't sleep because my mind is going over an event that's coming up for me that should be considered incredible but it's feeling more like going through the motion of it all with little to no joy.  There will be no mom to enjoy it with.  No mom to bounce idea's off of in regard to all of it.  Then as usual I'm dumb struck realizing this is a forever situation for as long as I'm here on this earth.  I will never see her on this earth again.  It's painfully surreal moments like this.

My Mom passed on Sept. 6th, 2012 of alzheimers. I'm not sure how I am suppose to keep going without Mom. Everything just seems so trivial. Things that I use to enjoy just don't matter anymore.

Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss and everyone in here totally understands what you are going through and we have all gone through the very exact things you are going through and will go through.  Grief is not a standard thing so I can't tell you how long you will grieve or how bad it will be, but I can tell you that as time passes it does seem to get somewhat easier.  My mom has been gone 6 months now.  She meant the world to me.  Nothing mattered to me, I did not care to do anything or go anywhere, I still sort of am that way but it is getting some easier.  I tried the anti-depressants-I guess I really did not give them a chance-the side effects scared me.  I did go to counseling-but haven't been able to go lately as my car is broke down.  She did help me to understand a few things, so that did help.  All I can say is go ahead and let yourself grieve and cry all you want.  You will keep going because that is what your mom would have wanted and you need to keep remembering that.  Think about it, she did not give up without a fight, she lived her life and you have to do the same.  Just when I think about how futile it all is I remember the year my moms mom died.  My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer at age 37 and had to have a radical mastectomy and she could not tell or talk to her mom because her health was not very good.  My grandmother died the day before my moms birthday and before my mom could explain to her why she had not been able to come visit her.  It devastated my mom, but she continued on with life.  Now I must do the same, we all must, for our moms!

Mark-I read your post and I immediately got a message from somewhere to let you know that your mom WILL be with you on this exciting journey, that she'd have it no other way!

My mom is about to pass.  God bless you Mom

Michael, So sorry, my thoughts are with you.  The waiting is not pleasant.  Just keep talking to her, I do believe they can hear up until they cross over.

Thank you Mary. Mom did fight until the end & I know that is what she would want me to do. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom Michael. I agree with Mary, they can hear you. In Mom's final hours I was talking to her about when I had visited her a few days before. I reminded her about how she said my shirt was pretty & how when I told her I'm Lisa, she said "your the baby". At that moment, eventhough Mom had been unresponsive for two days, a single tear ran down her cheek. She heard me & remembered. That one tear was her way of letting me know that.

It's always so humbling to read everyone's posts. I feel so badly for each and every one of you. For you, Michael, I understand that awful time of waiting. It's just brutal. I talked to my mother even though she'd suffered four major strokes & was zoned out on propofol. I have no idea if she heard me or not; I have read here that it's likely that she did, so just keep touching her, soothing her, talking to her. I hope you come back to us after she's gone. The people on this board have helped me so much... Lisa, you're so raw right now; I know that horrible feeling. It's like there is no skin on your bones or like you've had your legs shot out from under you. All of us here "get" what you're going through. It will all seem unreal for quite a while -- my mother died on the 15th of May, and I still cannot wrap my head around it sometimes...

I got my dog on the 26th, and she's been a huge blessing in that there are things I need to do for/with her so my mind can be somewhere else. Nevertheless, I pass by a picture of my mother, and my heart just breaks. I know she'd be glad that I have Sadie now.

PS Saw this poster in a catalog the other day: "The greatest gift we can give to thouse who have left us is to live fully in their place."

My amazing Mom passed away on sept 28th while i was reading the bible to her.  As I was telling her that Lord Jesus was here with us and he would save her, protect her and heal her, she departed.  You did it Mom.  It was beautiful.  I miss you so much.  I love you.

Lisa, my mom passed on August 30 she also had Alzheimer's and her death was a direct result of it., i miss her so much every day and i to am wondering how i will get on with my life, i am alone here with no family, but do have some great and helpful friends. Lisa i hope that over time your life will get better, the pain and the missing your mom i don't think will ever leave.,

but something that Judy posted here makes a lot of sense to me "The greatest gift we can give to those who have left us is to live fully in their place." i am going to try and do my best to live life as my mom would have wanted, i know what she would say to me, get on with your life., so mom i am going to do that.

To Michael i am sorry to hear that your mom passed, thank God she had you there with her, keep in touch with everyone here, they really are very nice and helpful people, God bless you Michael and your mom.

Lisa, i know what you mean when you say that things you use to enjoy just don't matter anymore, it has been the same for me, plus i don't sleep much which is making things w\even worse, need to go to my doctor i guess. Lisa all you can do is take everything one day at a time, and try to stay busy, that has helped me. i wish you the best and hope that things will be better for you.

Night seems to be the very worst time for me, i get so depressed, days seem to be fine, i keep busy and do well, but the nights are terrible, TV does not help at all, the thoughts just rush in, i feel low tonight, going to try and sleep, but don't expect to do well.

I talked to my mom for three hours before she passed on Friday (9/28/12).  I held her hand and told how much she meant to me, how she influenced me throughout my life, how sorry I was for all the times i argued and bad.  I thanked her for everything she every gave me, including the most important gift, My Dad.  I told what a great couple they are and how much they love each other.  I told her how their 61 year marriage was a testament to their love for each other.  I told her what an amazing person she was, to survive polio at 11 years old, contracted in Mexico City in 1941.  How she traveled from Mexico City to San Diego by herself at 14 years old.  She never complained about her one stiff leg and always did everything for herself.  Even when she used a wheelchair, she would pull it down the stairs, stick it in the car and off she would go, driving with her one good leg.  She washed, cooked, cleaned, and raised three children.  She helped with school projects and made Halloween costumes, she sent me around the world when I was 13, 14 15 years old to see places and experience new things. She was an amazing woman, wife, mother, grandmother, Nana, Auntie, cousin, babysitter and friend.  I told her all of these things and had a great experience assisting her on her journey Back to the Lord.  I was reading the Bible to her, telling her how the sick were healed by touching tassels on Jesus' garments as she took her last breath.  Because of her, I was able to assist her properly in her departure.  You did a great Job Mom.  Love you and miss you.

Your post was so beautiful Michael, your mother was a very lucky woman.  I talked to my mom all the time during her last days on this earth and sang to her all the songs from Jersey Boys and This Little Light of Mine and You are My Sunshine.  Until the last day, she would move her toes to the music.  I wasn't there when she took her last breath, I was upset at first, but I think she did not want me to be there since she waited until I had to leave to take that last breath.  I was planning to spend the night at Hospice with her and my daughter was in a car accident and totaled her car and needed me.  I left for only 2 hours and as I was readying to head back I received the call.  It still bothers me that I was not there but the chaplains and nurses and even the doctors told us that they have seen it happen so many times and that I was where I was supposed to be.  Its been 6 months now and I still miss her like crazy. When I read Judy's post about the poster that said "The greatest gift we can give to those who have left us is to live fully in their place," I knew immediately my mom wanted me to do that.  She loved life and loved me and would want me to live my life. This group has been a Godsend as well!

Michael, I'm very sorry to hear about your Mom's passing. I'm sure that she was comforted by all the things that you were doing for her.

Brad, it was the same with my Mom. She had severe alzheimers & her passing was directly linked to that. The death certificate does not say alzheimers, which kind of bugs me, because the cause that they have listed would not have happened had it not been for the alzheimers. I feel like people don't understand alzheimers. Until they start listing it as the cause of death it won't get the attention or funding for research that it deserves. I don't sleep much either. It really hits me hard when I go to bed. All I do is think about Mom & what a lonely world it is without her. Mom would be telling me to get on with my life too!! I am trying :( For a couple of weeks after Mom's passing, I couldn't even stand to have the TV on. It seemed so trivial & the sound of anything really bothered me. That has gotten a liitle better. I can have the TV on unless I get upset. Then I just want to sit in a dark room & cry. I'm thankful for the wonderful people on this site to share with. 

I've been sitting here thinking about my mom and her last days on earth..and I'm still seeking 'closure' I guess you could say. My mom was in a coma for three weeks and I often wonder if she heard me..I apologized for a lot of things and I made sure that I told her I loved her many times a day, but never knew if she heard it! Ughh I miss her so much, it literally hurts my heart!

Michael, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's passing! Your post was very beautiful and she was very lucky to have you there with her! I'm sure that was very comforting!

Jennifer, I'm sure she heard you. If you read one of my earlier posts you will see why I really believe she heard you. My Mom gave me proof that she heard me.

Lisa, that's so great that happened, that she gave you a sign! I think I may have been to torn up to notice anything. Once the doctor told us the bad news, every time I talked to her, I broke down and cried.

I believe she heard me, she would squeeze my hand and her eyes would move under her eyelids.  when that would happen I would say, "That's right Mom!  you were amazing"  or "That's right Mom, I'm going to take care of dad for you just the way you want.  You taught me how to take care of him, what he needs and likes, and i'll do so you don't have to worry." 

I believe, Jennifer, that your mom heard you, the sound entered her ear and traveled through her brain to her heart.

I just didn't know because we tried to get her to squeeze our hands but she couldn't, but I heard hearing is the last to go, so I hoped and prayed that she did.

I don't think I ever told this story on here and for some reason I am compelled to tell it today.  I almost lost my mom back in 2004 when she was hospitalized for a broken hip and had surgery to replace it.  She received too much morphine and stopped breathing and the nurse did not catch it in time so her organs all shut down and she was in a coma for 21 days-given a 3% chance to survive.  After she totally recovered we had a talk one day and I asked her if she died before me and got to heaven and was happy if she'd send me a sign, the sign we agreed upon was a red balloon.  Two nights before my mom passed we had a wind and rain storm and as my son was standing at the back window he said, "a balloon" I immediately asked what color and he said red.  I jumped up looked out the window and saw it go over the neighbors house and back down again.  I called hospice to check on my mom and they said no change.  The next day I asked my neighbor if she found a red balloon in her yard and she said she saw something in the corner of the yard and would go take a look-sure enough it was a red balloon and after I told her the story, she brought it over to me. I placed it in a basket in our living room.  The morning after my mother passed away I was in our dining room looking for my digital camera.  I could not find it there so went to the back of the house to look in my bedroom.  When I came back out to the dining room that red balloon was sitting on the floor next to my chair. Noone else was home and somehow that red balloon made it over 30 feet out of a basket in my living room to my dining room!  I believe mom sent the sign! When I was feeling my lowest one day, I went out to the swimming pool so I could be alone and cry and it was a crystal clear day and as I lay on my float crying I said, "where are you mom?  Is heaven up there?  I miss you so much!"  and what happens... way up in the sky a red balloon floats by.  So I do believe in heaven, I know my mom is there, and I know she is happy and that is what gets me through each and every day!  Sorry this is so LONG!

Thanks for sharing that Mary. How wonderful of your Mom to give you that sign!

Gordon please do let us know how your visit to the medium goes. I'm very interested.

So my Mom's funeral was on Thursday Oct 4, and today Saturday I am so incredibly sad, i can barely take it.  My mother was an amazing person and an inspiration to so many.  She was born in San Gabriel, Ca in 1931, and lived with foster parents for her early years, visiting with her mom when she could. At 9 years old her mom snatched her from the family and drove her to Mexico City, when she lived in a very small town.  She would tell me about all about it. It was in Mexico, in Chilpanchingo, that at 11 years old she contracted polio.  This was 1942. The village witch doctors tried everything, even a paste made from Hemp and Marijuana to help her legs.  Her mother brought her back to Los Angeles where doctors fused her right knee together and it would never bend again.  She went to live with her father, who taught my mother to do everything for herself.  He was a sailor in the Coast Guard and as hard as nails.  My mother grew up and never once complained about her disability.  I never considered her handicapped or disabled because she did everything and even more than a person with two good legs.  And never complained and only mentioned her polio to ENCOURAGE me to do more.  When I was lazy she would remind me if She could do something, why couldn't I do it, with two good legs.  She touched so many people in her life, inspired so many, that my amazement is still growing.  Love you Mom

My Mom in Mexico, age 14

Michael I am sorry to hear of your mom's passing, sounds like she was a very special lady., seems she had a good heart that she passed onto you. It's been just about 5 weeks since my mom passed and i find it hard everyday just to go ahead with my life, but i know i have to move on, that's exactly what she would tell me.

My Condolences, Brad.  thank you for the kind words.  She was an amazing woman.  And I know that word is overused, but she really was amazing.

When my Mom got sick in July, started helping my 85 year old dad caring for her.  in August I moved back home and quit my job in September to help full time 24 hours a day.  Now that she passed, I'm here with my Dad, taking on my Mom's role with chores, making sure Dad is ok, everything.  i'm bombarded with memories constantly.  Missing Mom is very hard.

Seems to get harder everyday, not easier.  I miss my mom so much, i can't take it.  she was also my best friend, i have such a large hole in my life now, I don't know how I will get over this.

I am having such a hard time today.  I had been doing so much better and having some family problems and just want my mom to talk to and tell me its all going to get better and to hold me and hug me.  Am crying non stop. Had my first thoughts of how much easier it could be if I was just able to join my mom in heaven, but it was just a fleeting thought, I'd never do anything to intentionally harm myself-that is selfish and my mom would never forgive me.  MICHAEL, I am so sorry I wish there was something else I could do to comfort you other then just to say I KNOW what you are going through.  My mom has been gone now for 6 months.