It's crazy, because she has been an Alabama fan since she was 12..never missed a game, even when I was born, and when she went into a coma on the 9th(the day that the national championship game was played) I knew in my heart, she wasn't coming out of that coma. I know I shouldn't have based that on a game but that's how it went.

I think we just sort of "know" stuff when we're dealing so initimately with someone we love -- especially our mothers. I "knew" my mother wouldn't be coming home the night before they told us we should remove life support.

Alabama, huh? Wow, that's hard-core! Those are some very serious fans, and for good reason! I watch some college football. Now I'll think of you and your mom during the LSU/'bama game -- always a big one. Who knows? Maybe they've got cable in the great beyond & your mom has rounded up some fans to cheer with.

Exactly, everyone else was having a little faith, and I was hoping that I was wrong but I wasn't! Oh yes, she was very serious about it, she couldn't it down every year, all excited and everything. I try to remind myself that she is up there with the 'Bear' now, having a ball!

Damir, I totally understand that. I would like to have some relationships though, but if I have to fake how I'm doing, then it's not even worth it. I have my mom's dog, I guess that's all I need right now!

Today is my first birthday without my mother. I started crying last night -- until 5 AM. Can't get myself together, and there are people coming over in an hour. Does anyone know why your birthday is so hard without your mom? Maybe if I understood....

I am sorry Judy!  Happy Birthday.  I think it is because moms always made us feel special on our birthdays no matter how old we got.  It had a special meaning to them too.  I hope your day and evening go better.

Thanks, Mary. Of course, you're right. Mother always sent me two cards -- one sentimental & one silly. And gave me lots of stuff, which was irrelevant. It was getting her cards & yakking on the phone that was important.

I appreciate your reply. I think I just needed to connect with someone who understands.

Same here Judy, I loved those little things she gave me more then the big things others gave me, I was thinking yesterday that it won't be the same at Christmas because she always made me a bag of silly little gifts

Happy Birthday Judy! I haven't went through my 'first' birthday without mine yet, it'll be here in October, and I dread that more than anything. My mom worked long hours, 12+ sometimes, and my birthday was the only day that I was guarenteed to spend with her because she always took off on that day! So I definitely understand..hope things get a little better!

That's such a sweet story, Jennifer. She made you feel special, didn't she? That's what you'll miss -- her tender mercies.

I can't even begin to think about Christmas, Mary. Mother loved Christmas, and went all out for it -- at least up until the last four years. I don't have much family, so it's gong to be hard.

Most definitely! Those memories should bring a smile to my face but it hurts me soo bad that I'll never have another one..maybe one day soon I'll be able to!

I feel like I'm disappearing.  My mom was my life and the longer she is gone, the less there is of me.

I've been hating this month.  It's mom's month.  Her bday is next Tuesday.  First one without her here.  The last few weeks seem worse than other times for some reason.  BUT and that's a HUGE but something happened two nights ago that blew me away.  I don't know if I want to share it right now but it was a miracle.  It's so detailed it's hard to put into words but I can say what happened to us was unimaginable.  It wasn't just dealing with my moms health there were so many other issue's happening at once it felt like the entire world had collapsed.  After moms death I've been left to deal with a lot and out of nowhere a portion of it was resolved.  It was resolved in a way that answers one of my questions as to why we had to endure certain things and the answer was in the form that presented an amazing result.  It has given me a chance to release some of those awful very hurt and angry feelings realizing some of what we had to deal with for as harsh and vile would come back to be a support system for me at this time.  I know thats vague but the general information is that something has happened that is incredible and it has offered me some peace of mind over certain matters when it comes to moms death and all we went through.  It brings a bit of relief.  A lot of comfort and hope.  And it's amazing how it goes back to all that horror and how in order for this to happen every thing had to happen the way it did in a certain area.  I have been haunted by certain events one in particular and when I got the news about the situation and realized what had happened I bawled and bawled and could feel a portion of those memories being taken off of me.  It was so brutal to deal with that but some how it's been explained to me and it's been covered.  Amazing.    I miss her so much.  I'm thinking about getting chinese on her birthday like we always did.  I'm feeling like I can do it and have a good moment remembering back vs just losing it.  I'll try.

That is awesome Mark.  I went to grief therapy for the first time today and it was good to release some things came out in the session that I didn't even know were bothering me, but when I started talking, they just came out!   I did learn that it is quite normal to want to hurt those well meaning folks who say, "it will get better! She's in a better place now! God won't give you more then you can handle!" That's because friends are using "logic" and I am dealing with deep

My mom's birthday is Sept 27th.  

I can't even think straight to write more.

Ann, I feel that way sometimes too.  I highly advise counseling, it did help me today and am sure the more I go the better I will feel.  It is someone to help you understand these feelings and validate them

Mary, it really does feel like  a portion of heavy weight has lifted off of me.  I still carry a lot of stuff but at least this one situation makes sense.  I can accept it.  It's actually mindblowing and life changing for me.   I've slept better the last two nights.  The releasing of that particular situation has been a gift. 

Ann, please know someone else is right where you are at this very moment as your mom's bday draw's near.  I've been preparing myself for a few weeks for this coming Tuesday.  I despise the memory of last years bday.  It was very somber.  She treated it as a goal just to say you lived it.  Then the next goal was living past Thanksgiving.  Then living past the date someone else died the previous year.  There is a side story to that which is sorta funny but anyways, then we hit christmas and she tried but it was her time.  I knew.  I could tell.  I purposefully got the tree and put the decorations up the day after Thanksgiving to give us one last time doing that together.  It was the suckiest day repeatedly realizing that was it.  We'd never be doing that again but we did it and she got to enjoy all of that one last time.  I feel her near me closer and closer each day it seems.

Our birthday is so special to celebrate with our mother, especially because our mothers are the one's who brought us into the world. I had my first birthday without my mom and it felt so empty to not be with her. then again, everyday is empty without my mother. I also dread the holidays that will come up quickly.

My mothers birthday is also in september. I can't imagine her birthday coming and this year i will be alone with her on the cemetary. I guess that will be our way of being together.

Mark, you will definitely be in my prayers as next Tuesday draws near! I'm so glad that you have got some peace of mind out of the tragic situation..I've had some questions answered and had many 'aha' moments. I know she is at peace and is happy, and I'm so happy for her but still sad for me! The void just never seems to go away! I know you miss her so much, but very glad you have a little bit of relief!

Mary, I think how you handle the people that tell you 'it will get better' and every other comment they can think of..you handle it very well! I'm not going to lie, I have some anger, so when people say that, then I just keep quiet because I don't want to hurt their feelings and I know I would. Going to therapy helps so much, I don't know where I'd be without her! Going on eight months and I still have many triggers..gotta take it one second at a time!

Ann, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day, praying for strength and some comfort!

MSB, my mom didn't celebrate a lot of the holidays because she had to work a lot of the time but my birthday was different. That's what I was thinking though, how can my birthday be worst than any other day because I always feel empty without her. My thoughts and prayers will be with you as well!

My mom and I lived together.  She died on March 18, 2011.  I have not changed a thing in the house since she left for the hospital.  Her things are comforting for me but I also figured out that I'm keeping everything the same as an invitation for her to come back.  If she comes back I want her to recognize her home.

I've gone to support groups, they don't help.  I can't afford therapy and I can no longer afford my antidepressants.  

Ann, I was like that until the house foreclosed since her name was the only name on the house, so I had to get a new phone number, moving to a different city..I freaked out at first, I thought to myself, how could she get in touch with me. She don't have my new number or address..I'd go back to our old house in a heartbeat!

Groups don't help me either, because there is no grief support group where I'm at, it's just for every day problems..some people don't understand! Individual therapy helps me, been seeing her for six years now, so I trust her fully! I really hate that you can't afford it!:/

I tried group but there was no connection at all for me.  Hospice offers it for an entire year free after losing a loved one.  I went with an open mind but went away aching for so many people who were dealing with the same unbearable feelings I wasn't sure if that was healthy for me.  Add into the mix when I opened up about my loss they all sat their shocked and the counselor admitted he'd never heard of a living situation like mine and handed me multiple pamphlets to apply.  It just made me feel like an odd ball which fit perfectly into my life but I was hoping maybe just that one time things would be different.  They mean well but at this point I'd be more inclined for the one of one stuff.  It's hard to find someone who can identify with me to understand what goes through my mind in all of this so I try to rely on myself to get through it because that's how I did with all of lifes challenges all along.  For some I'm sure group works.  I like this place a lot if it's a good indication how group can work in a positive way.

Hospice will provide one on one therapy as well and they also have a sliding fee scale for those in need, additionally many bigger churches have social workers who they make available to counsel those in need. I don't know if you have a Kroger, Target or Walmart near you, but they have $4 prescriptions and I was able to get a $4 antidepressant.

One on one is great, I'm not telling you that I think you should do it, but I just know from my experience, it helps some! I like this group because it's strickly for people who have lost a loved one and I'm so glad that I came across this one! It really is hard to find someone who can identify what it's like and understand, cause we feel so alone..well atleast I did, but since being on here, I realize that I'm not! Do what helps you Mark, because any little thing counts!

Hi everyone, Haven't been here in some time.  I lost my mother to colon cancer in May 2012.  I was her caretaker and there when she passed.  I had my first birthday without her in August and am already trying to prepare myself for the holidays without her.  I miss her so much, it seems I still cry everyday.  I am having a strange feeling and not sure if anyone else felt/feels this way.  I have been to her grave once since she passed and found it to be very emotional, and am feeling ready to go again soon.  People have asked about going to visit her but I don't want anyone else to visit her except my father and husband. (I'm an only child).   I feel very protective about who visits her.  I get upset if someone wants to visit her. I miss her so much I don't want to share her with anyone.   I want to be left alone with her, at least for now. My dad said something interesting - He said I didn't want to share her because I didn't want to share my grief.  I needed/wanted to be left alone to grieve privately.  It's true, it made sense.  Anyone else feel this way?  Thank for reading.  My heart is with everyone here who is hurting too.

Aimee,

I know exactly how you feel!!!! I lost my mother to colon cancer as well in March of this year and I went through her birthday,which wasnt to bad but I am anticipating the holidays coming up.  I am an only child as well and I lost my father in 2002. Its ok if you want to have her to yourself, I mean you are the only child and as only children we want things to ourself.  Its okay to isolate yourelf for a little while but not to long. We all need to people to get by in this crazy world and even though that person that you are close too, rather it be your father or husband you still need them to be sane. I miss my mother so much she was my everything, so I know exactly how you feel.  The only thing or person that will heal that loss is time and that wont heal until we see them again.

Wow, this must be a pretty specific group -- I am an only child, too! I am wrestling with a lot of these same issues. Not necessarily with my dad, but with a friend of 55 years who is sort of bossy and "adopted" my mother as her own years ago. That's another story, but I don't want her to be my "sister" right now. I don't want her to think she's my equal. I know that sounds whiney, but I do understand that thing in us that doesn't want to share... I agree with Brette that you shouldn't get too isolated, Aimee. It really just makes the pain so much worse. Of course, there are those tiimes when you want the world to go away so you can grieve; I think that's a healthy thing. But don't shut out those people who genuinely do care... I cry almost everyday, too. I only knew she was sick 10 days before she died. It was four months ago Saturday.

I was just thinking last nite and wondered if anyone else is having the same feeling.  My mom passed on March 21 of a brain tumor and it all happened so fast.  We really did not know she had the tumor until she was at a point where she did not know us and did not know what was going on.  I mean one day I am having lunch with her and talking to her on the phone and the next I am taking her to the doctor, she doesn't know my name and she's got a brain tumor that is going to take her away from us.  I didn't get that "closure" to know that she knew what was going on, that she was ok with the decisions we made, that she knew that she was dying, that she knew I loved her more then life itself. I wonder if she had known what was going on if it would have made any difference.

My father passed in 1983 and that was of course pretty tough on a 20 something college student, after i graduated college i took a job in my home town so that i could help my mom with things. she worked and was very independent so things were fine, for years to come, then in 2000 she had to quit work that she loved at age 74 due to knee problems and soon after a bout with breast cancer, she kicked the cancer and had knee surgery and i was there to take care of her as she had to move into my house, i was now single again and was glad to be able to help (i have no siblings or children) in 2005 they found lung cancer and she kicked that (she was very strong willed and had a very positive outlook on life) about 2008 i noticed changes in her mentally by 2009 she stopped working her games on the computer and stopped doing her puzzle books, and later she stopped watching her tv programs all together. in 2009 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. now i was taking care of her pretty much 24/7 of course she could no longer drive or do many of the things she use to love to do, such as cooking, etc.

she moved into stage 2 Alzheimer's late 2011 and by March of 2012 i had a bit of help with home care, but that was only 2 days a week, but was very thankful for them., on August 20th 2012 mom suffered an aneurysm in the brain which caused a severe hemorrhagic stroke, mom suffered in ICU and later Hospice in the hospital for 10 more days, it was the hardest thing i had ever been through to watch her wither away knowing there was no hope and nothing i could do but pray that she would be out of pain in those last days, i had support from many friends and cousins (all of my aunts and uncles had already passed on) when she passed at 11pm that night even though i knew it was coming at any moment it just tore me up, the only person who ever loved me completely and unconditionally was gone., the sense of loss was almost more than i could handle, the worst times are when i am in this house alone and the thoughts start to pour in, i am a grown man who has been through many hard times in my life but nothing has ever caused this much pain to me, i feel like i have lost a part of my soul. i know the hurt never goes away and i know that she is no longer in pain and is with my dad and her mom and dad. but at times i feel like what now? what is my purpose in life, i just spent the last several years taking care of my mom and now what do i do.

Brad, I am so sorry for your loss.  It doesn't matter how old you are or how much you have been through, losing a mom you loved so very much and whom you grew so close to is heartbreaking.  Though my mom still lived on her own, I helped her out a lot and when she passed I felt a definite emptiness and feeling of "what do I do now." I still have that feeling from time to time, but it has gotten some easier.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my mom terribly and still grieve considerably but the pain of the loss has gotten better, in that it is not as intense.  This online group is a great help because we all share that one commonality.

Brad, I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mother in May to colon cancer after a 28 month battle.  For the last 4 months I basically moved myself and young son in with her and my father ( my husband had to work) to care for her - around the clock.  It was heartbreaking to watch this woman who loved me beyond measure fade away.  She would tell me that she is going to try more treatment, etc. to have just one more day with her grandson.  The chemo resulted in several strokes, the last one  left her nearly blind and her left side paralyzed.  Eight days before she passed terminal restlessness set in.  The lack of oxygen and toxins in her blood from her failing liver were causing intense restlessness and almost complete disorientation.  After 2 days the visiting nurses finally found the theraputic dose of a sedative and  she never woke up again.  I felt so helpless.  I know she knew I was there and your mom did too.  You were there in her hour of need and she knows that and loves you for it.  I remember the moment she died.  All I could say is "she's gone".  She died at home and I held her for at least an hour.  After the funeral I went home and did not know what to do with myself.  So I tore up my yard for over a month. I mean really tore up my yard. I got dirty, rearranged bushes, flowers, etc. It helped.  I was able to take some of my anger and grief out. My mother was a fighter and loved her life and would want me to live mine.  Thats how I have come to honor her.  I live my life through the tears because that is what would make her proud.  It takes time to get there though.  It been 4 months for me and I am only now feeling like "ok I can do this" - other days there is just sadness.

Brette and Judy - thank you so much for your support.  I just love her so much and miss her terribly.  She is always with me in my heart.

Mary,  I believe when people are dying there is another sense that comes in to play.  Three weeks before my mother died she called to tell me that she felt the end was near, I asked her how and all she said was that it was a feeling.  My mother had brain damage in the end and was unconscious but I strongly believe she knew I was there.  Love is very powerful.  Please don't doubt that she knew you loved her.  There are some things we don't get the chance to say but they are already known.  Its been 4 months and I too am searching for closure.  I think it will come when I meet her again some day.  Everyday I wonder where she is, what she is doing, is she alright.  In the end I was making all the decisions regarding my mother's care and still wonder if I did everything I could have done.  I just tried to make sure she didn't suffer.  It sounds like it would not have made much difference had she been aware of what was happening.  It sounds like she had her loving family there when she needed them and that is what is most important.  If nothing else she felt loved.  And that is what I wanted most for my mom in the end - to feel loved.

Thank you Aimee for those words.  This group helps in so many ways it was great to hear you say that you wonder where she is, what she is doing and if she is alright.  I too wonder those things all the time.  I find myself looking up to the sky and saying, "mom, where are you, where is heaven, are you ok?"  I have to agree, my mom loved life and would want me to live mine and I am really trying.

Thank you Aimee and Mary, yours words are a help to me, just needed someone to talk to about all of this, and for me it is more comfortable doing so here on the net., we here all have this in common so you all know what i am feeling. and it does help to talk it out, the problem i had my entire life was not sharing my feelings with anyone, but in the last few years after my mom came to live with me she (for lack of a better term) "tendered me up" and i was able to show so much more love for her verbally in the last 3 years or so, and i am very thankful for that, Don't get me wrong, we had been very close my entire life, at times she was the only one there for me, but i was just never able to express my feelings until she became ill, that i do regret, i wish i had done so much earlier in life, but she knew how i felt. thanks again for the nice words.

trust me Brad, your mom knew you loved her whether you said it or not- I am saying that as a mom who has 2 kids who seldom say they love me because they just have a hard time expressing their feelings in words but they say it in actions. This online community is a great help, I agree-it's that common bond we all have of losing a mom.

I received a booklet in the mail today about working through grief and there was this quote in there and I wanted to share it, as it is so very true. "Grief comes in and out like waves from the ocean. Sometimes when you least expect it, a huge wave comes along and pulls your feet right out from under you." Alan Wolfelt

Mary, that is so true. I did well for almost 3 weeks. Yesterday started to go downhill and today was even worse. My mom's birthday is next Tuesday, so i think it will remain hard. Sometimes, I just wonder, how do i live like this the rest of my life.

What I miss is being loved and loving.  I have friends who care about me but no one who loves me and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life without being loved.  I miss the hugs, the kiss on the cheek, the hand on my forehead when I'm sick.  How can I live without that for the rest of my life?

Brad -- Your mom did a great job to "tender" you up (what a great term!), but it couldn't have happened without your participation. It's quite refreshing to have a man open up so much about his feelings. Lots of men think they have to be so tough; I'm sure glad you chose to spend some time here with us. We all totally get the way you feel & all the things you miss... My relationship with my mother was difficult for a lot of my life, but we both lived long enough to "get it right." The last several years were so free. We just let each other be who we were, period. It's very easy to let the love flow when you don't have to be any particular way. I'm forever grateful for that gift. So many people lose a parent before they can get all of the barriers out of the way... I wish I knew if my mother knew my dad and I were there with her after her surgery. We didn't know she'd had four major strokes; she just never came to. My dad was uncomfortable talking to her, touching her -- at least at first. I did a lot of both, but I just don't know if she was able to hear me or feel my hand on her face. After the second day when she had been in so much pain but was not responsive, they put her on propofol, and she never moved again. I still kept talking to her, even though I guess she was too drugged to know what was happening.

Ann i feel very much as you do, i was married once we were not lucky enough to have children (something i always regretted but even more so now) now that i am completely alone in life i wonder how will i make it the rest of the way, the only person who ever truly loved me is gone now, i find that if i don't think about it too much and take things one minute, one hour and one day at a time i am able to hold up pretty well., the worst time of course are the quiet times with no tv or computer on. which is why i am still having a lot of trouble sleeping i guess. Hang in there Ann, there are people who love you, no love is greater than a mothers love here on earth, but that does not mean you are not loved, your friends and family love you, and it would hurt them dearly i am sure to lose you. I know the holidays are coming up, not sure what i am going to do, but i want to spend those days with either family or friends, not a good time to be alone. i wish you the best Ann.

Judy, sounds like our moms suffered much the same way, Moms last 10 days were spent in the hospital emergency room, ICU and later a hospice room of the same hospital, i was able to spend hours at a time with her in the hospice room over her last 6 days or so, i had a chair next to her bed and held her hand and talked to her, like you i don't know if she could hear me or not, i like to think she did. on her last day before i went home for the night i knew it was probably only a matter or a day or so., when i left i whispered to her to let go and be with her mom and dad and to not worry about me that i would be ok, that night at 11pm i received the call and even though it killed me i knew that the pain and suffering was over for her, that she was now at peace. thank you Judy for letting me bend your ear a bit, in fact thank you to everyone here, i am very thankful to have found this site and all of you!

MSB and Ann- you both ask how you can go on living without your mom for the rest of your life?  You muddle through, you pull strength from within-it does exist because the both of you exhibited it when you were there for your moms when they needed you most, you remember that your moms loved you so very much and that they gave you life so that you could live and that they did not give up when their mothers passed away or else you would have not had them the years that you did, and they would not want you to give up on life-I am sure they taught you to enjoy life and that yes there are bad things that happen and losing a loved one is one of those things.  You are not alone-even if you say you don't have any friends or family that love you, we are wrong-you have the people in here-we care about you and though we cannot reach out and physically give you a hug I can virtually hug you and everyone else on here who needs a hug!  ((((( )))))

not sure how much I fell like writing at this point...just need to say how much i miss my mom :-( I spent three months in a hospital with my mother when she was suddenly diagnosed with lymphoma...killed me to watch her fade away....

I miss my mom and still find it so hard to believe that I will not be able to see her and talk to her.

I swear some times I feel like I'm schizoid or something because it seems like just about the time I feel I've got a grip on this loss the heavy feeling hits again.  Today sucks!   I did real good with moms bday this week but I admit I prepared for it.  But for some reason today I feel so empty and tired. I can't really even describe this feeling.   I didn't even feel like moving.   I miss her so bad it's like I'm right back where I started.  This was the month last year when we were entering the final stages of hell and it comes back to me and it's gutwrenching.  I'm remembering things I don't want to think about.   There have been some good things that have happened  this month, but it's like that joy has worn off.  I'm realizing no matter what she's still gone.  I did drag myself to the store but felt like if anyone even dared to say one word to me I'd just start crying like a moron.  I'm mad at her sister who called on her bday to see how I was doing but to also inform me that since it's been 9 months now I should be just about over the whole shock of it all.  At least thats how she felt when she lost her last husband.  It was a stupid conversation given she's never going to get my relationship with my mom.  she may have felt a bond with her man intimately but my mother and I were bound in a spiritual way for my entire life.  Her blood flows through me.  I was her arms and legs my entire life.  This is the first time I've cooked or shopped without her in the equation.  This is the first time I've not called her when I was going to be late.  This is the first time in over 40 years I haven't seen her face or touched her.  Ever!  This is the first time in my entire life I haven't looked over my shoulder just to make sure she was ok.  But 9 months later after watching her rot away from some vile disease after all the other hell I'd watched her endure I should be pretty much over this?  I'm just bitching right now I guess but it's because I'm missing her so bad right now.  I've been offered a chance at something she'd be so excited about and it's so unfair she won't get to be a part of it.  Some days I believe she can see me some days I'm not sure.  I just wish this was all a bad nightmare and I could wake up.  Sorry if this is depressing.

You aren't schizoid Mark, if you are, most of us are :)  My counselor said it is all natural and will happen everytime there is a "trigger" something that reminds of us our loved ones.  I have those moments-they debilitate me and then the next day I am fine and might be that way for a week or more, then another trigger and I begin to lose it again.  Today is a frustrating day.  Whenever I needed to vent to someone my mom was always there and today has been one of those days.  Your Aunt was WRONG, there is no timeline for grief, everyone is different and I seriously think it is different based on your relationship with the person you lost.  I am glad you have been offered something she would be excited about-maybe she pulled some strings for you with the "big guy" and got you that opportunity because she wants to see you have it.  Not depressing at all-I think that when people share on here it helps us all to see that we are not alone.