Sandee- sorry u are going through a tough time.  Don't drink too much, but a drink every now and then helps relieve the tension.  I know how it feels, I keep finding things of my moms that remind me of her and want to keep them all but can't.  Who is that cute little one in your picture?

If you were so close to your mom that she was your mom, your sister, your best friend, your entire family, when she dies, you have lost everything.  And yes, you don't want to go on because each day forward takes you further away from her.  My mom died March 18, 2011. Why I am still breathing I don't know.  I don't feel that everyone has a purpose just like there are't soul mates, destiny, all of those things that I have heard of but never experienced.  Maybe I will have the courage to leave this earth one day.  I don't see how ending a life with no meaning, no love, no joy, no purpose is a crime.  It seems pretty logical to me.

Ann-EVERY individual has a purpose, otherwise you would not be on this earth and I know for a fact that NO mom would EVER want their child to end their own life because of them.  You are breathing still because you still have a purpose here on earth-I DO believe in soul mates-but I also believe that in order to find your soul mate you must believe that they are out there and be open-I met my soul mate 27 years ago and I was NOT looking and I had reached a point I thought I would NEVER find anyone let alone my soul mate.  Use the folks on this forum as support, find a local support group, talk to a minister, any or all of these, but please don't ever consider ending your own life.  I lost my mom just 4 months ago and like you she was my mom, best friend, my rock-but I know no matter what, she would never want me to hurt so bad I felt the only answer was to leave this earth before my time and join her.

My hearts go out to all of you for your loss . I feel your pain also.  I was the primary care giver to both my parents and miss them both terribly.  My dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago and I just lost my mom on June 23rd. My mom, lived with us and I still havent been able to go through her clothes and am not ready yet.  Unless you lose a parent, no one can understand the sadness and numbness you can feel.         I have been meeting with a grief counsellor and that is helping however, grief just takes time. I know in my heart, what gets me through is knowing that both my parents would want me to go on with my life. My mom, was an amazingly strong woman and fought to the end, I had to make so many tough decisions without much family support at all. I am so so blessed to have have a great network of friends, my husband and my daughters.  I am now griefing for my dad also . There are days when i can think about my parents and smile, then Wow, something will trigger and I am crying.  I am so so happy that I was able to have a great relationship with both my parents and I do talk to them all the time . Everyday gets slightly easier knowing my mom, isnt in pain anymore. My amazing twin daughters who are almost 7, miss my mom terribly and It has hit my older twin very hard. She  finds comfort going into my moms room everyday and wearing her clothes to bed . Everyday she kisses my moms picture and saids I know you hear me Grandma and I am so happy you are back with pa pa again !!!!                                                                                                  

I am turning 60 in August.  I gave up looking for a soul mate twenty years ago. I just went ahead and lived my life.  My mom raised me alone after my dad left and we both have spent our lives struggling.  My mom was so worried when she died.  She knew how hard it is to be alone in this world.  I told her I would come to her as soon as possible.  She smiled.  Because she knew, because our only purpose was to keep the other going, she would understand how it is so hard for me to live day after day.  I have seen a therapist and gone to groups and when I tell my story people tell me they don't know how I go on either.  So, I don't want to be mean but for some, life can truly be very cruel.

P.S. I love the name "Fawnfeather," it's very beautiful.

Ugh I'm missing my mom so bad today, and I'm so tired of other peoples parents. UGH

Reading the comments that have been posted since I've been gone is just heart-wrenching. We are all in so much pain, and some of the wounds are still so fresh. Even those who've been without their moms for over a year are suffering. I wish I had some words of encouragement to offer; even if I did, they would probably not be soothing enough to make the pain any less... I went through my mother's make-up and hair stuff, plus some shoes & purses when I was staying with my father during/after his surgery. I knew he was having a hard time facing that chore. Poor man. He just fell apart. And after I'd gotten him settled down, I fell apart. With every item of Mother's that I touched, I could see her looking so beautiful and then see how she looked as she lay dying. It's such a cruel juxtaposition of images. She always thought she wasn't pretty, but she was. I don't know how I'm going to be able to unpack all of her things, either. I brought so much of it home.  And there are still her clothes & jewelry to deal with... Casey is turning out to be quite a handful. The adoption agency over-estimated his age by quite a lot. He needs intensive training as well as the company of other dogs. He has abundant energy, and I do not!

I've got better photos of my mother, but this one was accessible. You can't see her gorgeous green eyes:

I am so glad you posted a picture of your mom on here Judy.  What a wonderful way of honoring her and sharing her with us.  I have to find my moms picture and will share too!

I have said that I have left my mom's room the way it was when she left for the hospital December 23 2010.  I frequently spray her perfume around the room and then I curl up in her bed and cry.  I also pat on some of the powder she used just to find a second of comfort.

One of the very last pictures I had taken with my Mom before she died, she was very very sick here, but still had not told us she was. It breaks my heart, this was taken on Memorial day! She died July 23.

My Mom was a fantastic artist, we have all of her artwork to enjoy. Her last picture she was working on was for me, and she did not get it finished, but I am going to hang it up the way it is in my house, she was so sick when she was working on it, but she kept on pushing herself. Her courage and strength were amazing she is a true hero!

this was the only portrait she did, she called it the bride, and I think of it as her guardian angel.

How wonderful to have her art! She is very talented. Note I say "is" not was.

What a beautiful painting.  Now she is your guardian angel.

Hi every one.  I haven't been on for a few days due to a lot of things going on in my life, and I was amazed at how many messages there were.  I'm going to try to answer all of them on this page and then will go to the next page. 

Ann - I'm sorry you are in so much pain.  I understand.  When my mom died, I thought I was going to die from the grief pain alone, and I do think that is what killed my dad.  He had a heart attack two weeks to the day after she died.  He survived that but just kept going down hill.  I don't think he wanted to live  He thought, I think, no one really cared other than her.  I guess now that he has passed on too that now he understands how much so many of us wanted him to live and be happy.  I had a relationship with my mom like you had - she was my life.  She's been gone seven years now, although I'm still talking on here because I've had a lot of other losses and my dad recently, but I still miss my mom.  Just last week I was driving in her neighborhood and it seemed like it had been a day since she left and I was still so hurt that I couldn't drive to her house and pick her up and take her out to lunch.  She was my world - my mom, my rock, my mentor, the wind beneath my wings (I have her that song when she was alive and told her that is what she was to me, my best friend, etc.  I had such passion for life before she died, and now it is gone.  That passion came rom her and how much she helped me enjoy life.  So, I kinda do know how you feel.  And, I know it is lonely.  A girlfriend of mine is in a similar situation to yours in that she lost both of her parents and her husband.  Her and her husband were childless, so now she is all alone.  I took her to a grief support group.  I know it is hard.  I will not deny that.  The only thing I want to say is that I know your Mom would NEVER want you to harm yourself to be with her.  She would want you to come to her when it is your natural time.  How do I know this?, because that is what all moms feel unless that mom is dysfunctional in some way, and that was not the case with your mom or you would have never been so close to her.

There was more than one person who remarked on their mom's possessions.  I still have all my mom's clothes.  I'm going to make quilts for all the grand children, but I'm not able to cut her clothes yet.  Those are hers, and I know she doesn't need them now, but I can't bring myself to cut them.  And, I have some of her kitchen stuff here, and when I use it, I can see her beautiful hands on it.  She had large but very feminine and beautiful hands with long fingers (I have short stubby hands like my dad).  My mom had the hands of a pianist - strong and beautiful.  I can see her hands on those things like I saw her hands on them so many times as she cooked for her family.  I miss so many things she cooked, because no one could cook them like her.  I've tried, and my cooking is like dodo compared to her cooking.  My friend who I went to grief support with today is going through stuff right now and throwing out even intimate things like cards and letters.  If she can do that I must trust it is what is good for her, but I can't do that.  That stuff still feels like hers.  I can't look at it.  I can't use it.  But, I can't get rid of it.  I can't even hang pictures of her yet.  There are two pictures of her in a remote corner I don't go to much, and that is all I can handle.  So, I understand how those personal things can have such a big effect.  I think it is normal for some people.  I'm a very sentimental person.  Maybe it is normal for us sentimental types whereas my friend is not sentimental like me and she is finding closure by discarding of things.  I wouldn't find closure - I would find regret if I got rid of these things.  Yet, she is finding closure.  It is amazing how different we all grieve.

Thank you all for sharing pictures of your moms.  They are wonderful pictures and that painting is beautiful.  This is a picture of my mom.  Like you, Linda, this was taken just two or three months before she died of pancreatic cancer.  This was at my nephew's wedding, and she is holding her granddaughter, Caitlin, who is now eight years old.  I had a lump in my throat all day that day.  She was laughing and having a good time, but I kept thinking that I didn't know how much longer she would live, and I wonder how much that was on her mind too.  I miss her so much.  I will never stop missing her.

This is a picture of my mom with my niece at Christmas.  We did not even know at Christmas time that she had a brain tumor. She died 3 months later on March 22, 2012.  I miss her so much!

Mary, I'm sorry you lost her so quickly.  It is so hard to look at those last Christmas pictures.  Those just tear me up with both my mom and my dad.  I'm sorry you have had to go through this.

Don't you think that, if we loved our moms the way we know we do, we should be dead too?  Shouldn't our hearts have broken beyond repair?  Why are we still here?  I know when my mom was diagnosed with cancer I felt a horrible pain in my chest and I couldn't breath. I thought I was going to die but I didn't.  I don't understand.  If you really love someone so much, how can you go on without them?  Isn't it a betrayal? 

No Ann, it's not a betrayal. If we were all meant to die at the same time as our parents or at the same time as someone we love so dearly, it would be, but God calls us home when it is our time and not before. I believe your feelings are real and I also believe they are a sign of depression-and rightly so, you have lost someone who means the world to you and feel lost and no purpose. I felt physical pain, I shut off, but I also realized it was not what my mom would want and sought help.  I got counseling and also medication for my depression.  If your thoughts are correct, then YOU would not be here-your mother would have died when her mom died, the Circle of Life would not be.  I had to go through some of my moms things today and this saying and Bible verse fell out of some pictures: "May the Lord help you understand that He can use your suffering as a tool to draw you closer to Him." "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted." Psalm 34:18. I think my mom tucked Bible verses everywhere and I seemingly always find the ones I need to see at the right moment. I don't know if you are a religious person or not Ann, but I do find comfort when I pray.

Ann - please talk to your doctor or a counselor about how badly you are feeling so you have some local support.  You are in a very dangerous place to try to go through this without some medical support.  I know how it can feel like a betrayal to go on without them.  I think we all feel that to a certain degree.  For months after my mom died, I felt like it was a betrayal if I went to our favorite restaurant without her.  I still can't go in a couple of those restaurants.  I tell my husband that if she can't have it I don't want it either.  So, to a lesser degree, I do understand how you feel.  I was watching a tv show the other day where a lady lost her husband, and she said to a friend that she'd found several things in her house related to her husband, and she said, "I'm living among relics of a life that doesn't exist any more."  I think we all feel that way.  But, Ann, you are closer to the edge from those feelings than anyone I've encountered here on line or in local grief support groups, and I am very worried for you.  Please promise me - please promise everyone on this group - that you will talk to your doctor or a counselor.  I know it is hard.  I'm in a local grief support group that is mostly older spouses who have lost their spouse.  Many of them are in a similar situation to you.  Due to their age, they have lost their parents and now their spouse.  Some of them have the support of their children, but an alarming number of them only have children who are worrying about how much inheritance is going to be left for them.  They feel so alone they don't know how to go on.  But, our particular grief support group has no time limit on it.  You can come for years if you want to.  So, they keep coming and make friends and start going out with other people in the group and finding friends and finding a reason to live in that, and they start to improve with time.  You will start to improve to, but please get the help you need to get there.

Lynda, I looked at that painting your mom did again, and it is beautiful.  She is very talented.  I meant to tell you yesterday that my mom was a fabric artist.  She made most of my clothes when she was alive.  We were always very poor, but most of my rich friends were jealous of me, because I dressed so much better than them.  My mom could go to JoAnn's fabrics and get a few yards of broadcloth on sale for a dollar a yard and make designer looking clothes.  I can't wear them now.  It hurts too bad.  I have them wrapped in plastic for protection and stored away.  She also made the most beautiful quilts.  She would hand embroider beautiful designs on the blocks and then quilt them together.  I can't do that.  She tried and tried to teach me, but it is an art form, and I didn't have the gift.  She was making me a wedding quilt when she died - I had recently gotten married.  She was embroidering all these beautiful multi-colored birds on blocks of muslim.  But, she died before she got them done.  So, I put all of the blocks in Victorian frames.  I like to dress funky, so she made me a lot of Victorian dresses for work, and I would wear them with granny boots instead of wearing suits like all the other women did.  The few suits I had were Victorian suits.  At home I wear broomstick skirts and t-shirts, but I was working in an office then, and my mom kept me in beautiful Victorian style clothes.  Then, she had bought these Victorian frames for her house, and she had one left.  So, I went out and bought more of those and Victorian seemed to be a theme she and I shared, and I framed all those embroidered birds in Victorian frames and hung them on my dining room wall.  They are gorgeous.  She did such good work with the embroidery that they almost look like paintings hanging on my wall.  I know she wanted me to have this gift with fabrics and threads that she had, but I just didn't inherit it.  I tried, but I was no good at it.  Instead, I draw and knit.  That I am better at and enjoy more.  But, my mom had a rare talent that it would have been nice to inherit from her, but alas, I did not inherit it.

Lately the pain of losing my mother in December as well as losing my job in June 2011 has been getting the best of me. I don't want to really die, but, i am tired of being tortured alive. I feel stuck because, I love my pets dearly and don't want them to suffer.

MSB, it's an old dilemma.  To quote Old Man River..."I'm tired of livin but I'm scared of dyin."   See if there isn't a way to get help feeding your pets.  Call a local rescue organization or shelter, they might be able to help with your pets.  As for you, I have no answers but you are not alone.

MSB I will reiterate what Storyas said to Ann, please speak to someone locally about how you are feeling so you have  personal support.  I miss my motherly badly, but cannot fathom that she would EVER want me to take my life.  If you need assistance with just feeding your pets until you find work, talk to your local rescues and animal shelters or churches or friends, I am sure they will be able to help you.  I too lost my job, but it was in December and I was getting very down because noone was interested in hiring me, but I finally got a part time job so there is hope.  Please know you are not alone and suicide is never an answer to our loneliness or grief.

No, my pets are my reason for living. I love them too much to ever give them up. That would kill me.

Today is my birthday, I turned 60.  It is the second birthday without my mom.  I was alone all day.  I finally took some sleeping pills so I could sleep and escape the pain.

I am sorry you were alone today Ann.  Let me wish you a happy birthday, even though you will probably not read this until a day or so later.

I tried going to a grievance group on Monday and i hated it. It seems like so many people find comfort in these groups. I was hoping it would be helpful in dealing with the loss of my mother.

MSB, try another one of that one did not work for you, I went to 3 different ones before I found one that felt right.  I felt strange at first, but it does help to have others to lean on. 

I was devastated by it! the leaders were nice, i have nothing bad to say. I think it was too long and it was getting me to upset.

I am going through depression again.  My mom has been gone a year and a half and I have gone through several bouts of depression.  I will again take medication and will again pick myself up but, in the back of my mind, I keep on asking myself when I will realize that life without my mom is nothing but existence. 

MSB-just know that even though a support group is going long, that you can always walk out and take a break or leave at any moment, I did the first one-it was just too much and I can't keep from crying.  ANN-I am so sorry you are going through depression again, but I am glad that you can see that you are going through it and know you need to be on your medication again.  I pray that God will show you direction in your life.

I am alone.

Hello, I lost my mom a few weeks ago to Pancreatic Cancer. I am looking for support and to give support to others. I miss her terribly!

Hi Jayne.  I am so sorry for your loss. This is a good bunch in here and I hope we can provide you with some support.  I lost my mom in March to a brain tumor.  I'd say it gets easier, but its just really hard to get over losing a mom whom you love so very much and some days might be easier then the next but I think it takes time for it to get "easier." I miss my mom terribly, as we all do in here, so we definitely know what you are going through.  Just know you are not alone!

I so do appreciate the support. It feels like a hole in my heart every morning and night. right now I can't imagine it getting easier. I wish I had support from friends. everyone came when they heard the news now they are gone.

Hi Jayne.  I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I know how you feel about talking to friends.  I've never had a bigger conversation ender then I do now.  I know all of my friends want to be there, but they are so very uncomfortable when we talk about it at all.  I hope you feel little better tomorrow, that it's a "good day"  You can send me an email if you ever need to talk or vent.

I can't believe that people have said, "Circle of Life" when talking about the death of my mom.  

yes Ann, I have heard " the circle of Life too" that has not made me feel better. if anyone would like to have conversations and email me that would be great because I do feel alone sometimes. my friends were there for the funeral and then back to my home to visit. they are really not calling now. they have their own stuff I guess. Ariel, if you want to talk to I would be happy to. It is nice to know there are other people who care.

thank you Mary and Ann for your support and I am also here if you need to talk

I am on for a few

Jayne, work just covers up the pain so when I come home I am just as miserable but then I am tired too which makes the depression worse.

Ann- I am just working a few days if not I guess I would loose my mind. When I stop and think of my mom it is so hard to even beleive that she is ot here

Just great, there is a new TV show about people in a Grief Support Group.  Now I have yet another reminder that my mom is gone.