Mary, first of all - you do NOT deserve to hurt, and your mom would not want you to hurt.  If you need to go to the doctor, please go.  Now, I admit I'm a hypocrite in saying that as I have a phobia of doctors, because my dad was basically killed by a nurse practitioner and that is not my imagination as action was taken by the State and ongoing action is bringing more consequences to those involved.  But, that has left me with a real phobia of medical providers.  But, my head tells me it is a good idea to go to the doctor when you need it.

I know what you mean about that feeling - when I took my mom to the doctor for the first time, I knew that she was going to die.  We hadn't even started the tests yet, and I just knew it was over.  I can't explain it, but i knew from minute one.  I don't know why.

As for all you talked about you feel guilty for - I know what you mean.  I went through the same thing, but my counselor keeps reminding me that when we remember we remember only that moment in that time whereas when we were living it we were being bombarded by everything going on around us and thus we did the best we knew how to do at the time.  When we remember, we remember only that isolated incident but when we were living it we were coordinating - in your case your own illness, your mothers needs, your family's needs, caregiving and coordinating with doctors, etc. all were fighting for your focus as they were in my case.  We both did the best we could do.  My head knows that.  My heart is moving to accepting that a lot slower.  I think sometimes that I think if I accept it in my heart that it means she didn't matter enough, but that isn't true, so I don't know why I do this to myself.

Sandee - I know how you feel:  if I don't have some kind of knowledge that my mom and dad both are in heaven, I can't go on.  And, I know the guilt.  I sat with my mom while she died, but I just sat next to her bed.  I didn't touch her.  I didn't hold her hand.  I couldn't bring myself to do so.  I've felt guilty about that all these years.  And, on the night my dad died, I didn't stay.  I have a very rare type of hypoglycemia (rapid-transit and not the pre-diabetic type) that I've had all my life, and my blood sugar was dropping and I had PMS really bad (I started my period the next morning), so I left.  He didn't want me to leave, but I needed to leave to take care of myself.  I asked him if he cared if I left and he said Yes.  But, I had to leave to take care of my health.  So, I kissed him on the forehead and told him I  loved him and I'd be back first thing in the morning.  I planned to get there at 6 AM, because i knew he was bad.  I got a call at 4:30 that he had died at 4:25.  I've never forgiven myself for not staying, because he wanted me to stay.  I know how you feel.

Craig - thank you for sharing those excerpts from that book.  They help.

Mary Norris - I'm sorry I haven't been on for a few days to respond to you sooner.  I'm sorry you lost your Mom.  It has been a very short time for you, so I'm sure you are in a lot of pain and your symptoms of grief are very intense.  I lost my father last April, 2011, and by July I was still drowning in grief.  Just please keep coming back and talking to us.  It does get better with time.

Sandee love - i know just how you feel - I want to know for sure, really for sure, that my mom and dad both are okay.  They've sent me signs, but it's like I won't be satisfied until I have a notorized letter or something.  I understand what you said about the passage of time - it just reinforces how real it is, yet no matter how much time passes I can't believe that much time has passed and it really is this different.

Mary - thank you for the red balloon story.  I had similar experiences.  Right before my dad died, he told me that he was going to send me a bull dog - white with black spots.  He told me about the dogs history and personality too.  Two days after he died, a bulldog mix just fell in my lap almost literally, and now he is my pet.  And, he is everything my dad said he would be.  And, he sent me rainbows that were where I was and where my niece was in another city at the same time - double rainbows.  So, why do I still worry?  I'm glad you got your red balloon.  There is a lovely person on the Dad website named jb who had balloon experiences too - every time she takes balloons to her dad's grave, they immediately pop.  Thank you for sharing your story.

TO EVERYONE ELSE:  I'M SORRY I'M ANSWERING SO MANY EMAILS AT ONCE AND DOING THEM ONE AT A TIME.  I CAN'T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW, SO I HAVE TO DO THEM ONE AT A TIME.  I HAD A DREAM ABOUT MY DAD LAST NIGHT THAT HAS ME A BIT OUT OF IT THIS MORNING.  I'M SORRY IF ALL THESE EMAILS ARE A BOTHER TO ANYONE.

Mary and Sandee - so many signs yet we are taught by our culture to be skeptical.  I once went to my parents grave and begged them to let me know they were okay, and that night my phone rang from my dad again.  Why do we have such a hard time believing no matter how much they try to let us know they are okay.  My mom came to me in a dream a couple of days after she died and told me she was feeling much better now.  Do we not believe we are worthy as humans for a heaven?  Are we taught to be skeptical?  Are we too rooted here?  I'll stop answering now.  I've sent a lot of messages this morning.

Storyas- I enjoyed all your responses, never apologize for them because I believe they help each of is struggling with grief.  I am sorry you had to go through the loss of both your parents like that.  I was not there when my mother passes away, I knew that the time was near and I had every intention of staying, but my daughter called and had been in a car accident and needed me to come so I told my mom I loved her and would be back.  That was around 7:30 PM.  By the time everything was taken care of with my daughter it was near 10PM so I figured I would get something to eat, rest a minute and then go back to be with mom.  They called at 10:40 to tell me she had passed away.  I was devastated that I was not there when she passed away but the counselor and her priest told me that she probably did not want me to be there when she passed.  I think your dad may have said he did not want you to leave, but I like to believe that God has us where we need to be when things happen even though we may not understand his reasoning.  I wish I knew why we are always skeptical even though we get answers, kinda makes you think God is probably bald-pulling his hair out over us just not believing even though he sends us signs all the time.  Faith and Trust are hard!

Mary - you are so right.  I don't know how God stays so patient with us.  I'm glad he does though.   Thank you for your kind note.

Hello,

It's been a while since I have been on here but I just wanted to share my experience over the weekend. First of all I would like to give everyone a piece of who I am and who I have lost. I am a 26 year old orphan. I lost my biological father in 2002 and then my mother married again and I lost my stepfather in 2011 and then my mother on March 17, 2012. I was my mother's everything and she was the same to me. I feel lonely, lost and just unequipped for most of life situations that I would consult with my mom about.  Last weekend was the family reunion on my mothers side of the family.  I was a little apprehensive about going but I went.  It was nice to see people I hadnt seen in a while but I felt alone in a crowded place which was odd.  It seems that everybody had their mothers or fathers but I had no one. I got tired of people telling me I am so sorry for your lost. I wanted cry. So, I did not go to any other family festivities. I was so sad the whole time I was out of town and just wanted to come back home. Everytime I go to her hometown I can see her as a teenager walking around playing or skipping around the old family house. I just miss her so much I feel like I can't function without her around. Looking at the groups I can belong to a lot of them. Thank you for reading!

My mothers birthday was july 10, 2012 and I tried to stay as busy as possible because I did not want to deal with the hurt. It was so hard waking up and noticing my mother was not there for me to say happy birthday.

I am glad you went to the reunion Brette, but am sorry you felt alone. Most times people just don't know what to say, but at least they say something.  All my friends and family act as if nothing happened and it bothers me more then them saying they are so sorry or how am I. Every special occasion will be hard, just know she's there in spirit. I'm sorry for your loss.  I lost my dad in 2004 and mom March 22, 2012.

Feeling alone when you are in a crowd of people is very natural.  There was no one there who "loves" you.  Friends are wonderful, family is a blessing (I have no family) but if you are fortunate enough to have a mother who truly loves you there is no other love like that.  How can we live without it?  Sometimes I don't think I can.

It was two months ago today that my mother died after having life support pulled the day after Mother's Day. the Powers That Be must be looking out for me as today -- sort of out of nowhere -- a wonderful dog came to live with me. I feel so blessed to have had such a loving, funny, smart distraction take place on this particular day. I guess you mark that anniversary every chance it comes up. I haven't even done the really hard anniversaries yet....

I have almost no family, Ann. My dad is still living (86), and I have one cousin out-of-town who is weird, but we feel connected. That's it! The loneliness is profound because we have all lost that one constant giver of love, and nothing ever takes its place. It's hard to live without it, but I think another kind of love must come to replace it in order for us to go on.

I'm so glad you now have a dog Judy.  I can't have a pet where I live but I did sneak in a hamster.  It's something warm and alive in the apartment.  Your dog will give you much joy and unconditional love.

Thank you, Ann. He's quite a handful now, poor guy. He's trying to figure out the ropes around here. I know somewhere my mother is smiling; she was a big dog rescue person.

Hamsters are actually really sweet little creatures, and very snuggly. I hope he watches TV with you!

When I was having surgery today I felt my mom's presence so strongly a sense of great peace came over me.  She was always with me for every medical procedure from the time I was five years old.  I tried to be there for her when she needed me.

Judy,

The dog is your angel sent by your mother to lighten you load. I have no family after my mother passed June 26, 2011. I now have 4 rescued cats and my Goldren Retriever who has was the best thing I got out of my divorce 3 years ago. Animals have a sensitivity and connection with people that is unbelieveable if you open the door. I work in animal rescue full time and I have witnessed some amazing things. Everything in this life is temporary so embrace and love this dog like there is no tomorrow. You are no longer alone. I am so happy for you right now. Sue

Brette, I am so sorry about the loss of your mom.  I was close to my mom like you were to your mom, and it just about killed me when she died.  Even now after a few years have passed, I still miss her and feel less connected to the world due to her being the person I was closest to above anyone else ever.  Even now there are places I can't go cuz I went there with my mom and it hurts too much to go without her.  Just last week I drove through her neighborhood and past all the stores I used to go to with her and it felt like it was all the same but not real any more.  Those stores no longer have meaning.  I feel disconnected from those places now.  But, the good news is that it hurts a lot less now than it did during the first year after she died.  I still feel disconnected due to her being so close to me, but the pain is a lot less.  It will get less for you too.  Every year it gets a little better.  And, about a year ago I started volunteering in my church, and that has helped a lot, because I'm doing something i like to do and am around other people who really do care about me when I am there.  And, for a long time I couldn't go out to eat with friends due to that being the thing me and my mom always did together, but lately I've started going out with friends.  I'm able to now, and that is helping a little too.  I just can't go to Red Lobster as that is where we always spent our birthdays.  So, maybe if you try to find things that make you as happy as you are able to be right now and do those things it might help.  Just please do know that it does slowly get better.

Judy - I think your mom sent you that dog.  I have a similar story with my dad.  A very beloved dog I had died four months before my dad died.  My dad was worried about me loosing the dog and him so close together (he was dying and he was worried about me!), so he told me he was going to get me a dog.  As time went on, he described it as a white bull dog with white spots who would be an abuse rescue that I would help like I had helped my father (he was a child abuse survivor) and it would come for a hoarder like the dogs on the hoarding show he and I watched together on Animal Planet and it would have a personality so much like my old dog that I would love it even though I didn't feel like I could love another dog.  Just two or three days after my dad's funeral, a rescue contacted me to see if I would take a white bulldog with black spots who was an abuse survivor rescued from a hoarder.  I, of course, took him.  And, he has a personality so much like my old dogs that I love him already.  Sometimes I think I feel my old dog with him he is so much like my old dog.  Your mom sent you that dog just like my dad sent me this dog.

Ann - I believe your Mom was there.  I don't know how it happens, but when my dad almost died six months before he actually died, I felt my mom behind me.  I turned to talk to her and didn't see anyone, and then I remembered she was dead.  I still felt her behind me, so I started talking to her and told her I loved her and missed her.  I think she was there that day, and I think your mom was with you during your surgery.  Maybe God lets them or helps them come back to us when we really need them.  I don't know how it works, but I've had too many experiences to doubt something is happening.

Judy - here is a picture of the dog my dad sent me. 

Wow, that is something, Storyas! Our situations are so similar. My mother was dying (we just didn't know it yet; neither did she) while I was caring for my dog dying of cancer. My mother was having "indigestion," which turned out to be chest pains, but she didn't want to bother me with her problems since I was so distraught over the dog. The last thing I have from her is dated on the day I euthanized Riley; it's a card full of love and support to me from her. And then two weeks later, she was gone... The dog I have now is really different from the dog I lost, but I had no idea he was coming to me. The way he came was just like he'd been meant for me -- it was all so effortless. I'm still so sad about having lost Riley, but I know Casey and I will bond. I believe that you always get the dog you need. In your case, you knew what he'd look like before he got there! That's just an amazing story about your dad telling you what the dog would actually look like. WOW! I would post a photo of Casey, but I don't know how. DUH.

I have been in bed for four days, no food, no desire to survive.  A friend is coming to take me out today so I have to get up and put on a happy face.  My mom has been gone a year and a half and surely I am better by now but I am not.  We lived together and I have not changed a thing in her room.  I dust the furniture and rest in her bed. I am on medication and have talked to doctors but I think my heart just broke and I don't think there is any cure for that.

Ann, I am so glad your friend is coming to take you out today.  One thing - you recently had surgery if I remember correctly, so some of the medications or anesthesia after affects may be causing you to feel the grief more intensely.  I was at the hospital this week with a friend of mine who just went through a treatment, and she was crying and crying and crying from the medications.  And, I know they told my dad after his heart surgery that it could be that way for him afterwards too - a lot of emotions.  They said it was some side effect of the type of anesthesia they used on him.  I'm not a doctor and I don't know what drugs they used, but please realize there is a possibility this could be the reason for the extra emotions the last few days and try to stay very close to friends and try to be patient with yourself.  If you start feeling like you could hurt yourself - please get yourself to a hospital.  And, a year and a half isn't that long for someone who was as close to their mother as you were.  I remember at around a year I went to a grief support group and just fell apart - I'm still going to that same group now to help others now that I'm recovering a bit.  I don't feel the extreme pain I did any more, but I still feel the loss.  I have dreams about my mom where I wake up and realize it was just a dream and I feel this emptiness.  Like you, my mom was closer to me than anyone ever had been.  I will never stop missing her, but the pain does get less every year.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  I will say a prayer for you today.

judy, if you have a picture of Casey on your computer, it is easy to share a picture.  In the place where you type the message, there is a blue bar above it with commands.  The second one from the left, press it.  At the top it will say file.  Hit the browse button next to file and then go into the directory on your computer where the picture is and select it.  Then, once it is loaded, hit okay at the bottom.

I'm so glad you have Casey.  I do believe your Mom sent him/her to you to help you through your grief.  I bet already he/she has made you feel a bit better.  Is Casey a boy or a girl?

Enjoy your Casey.  I know having a dog will help.

Ann, I think I know what you are going through.  For some reason, these last few days have been so difficult for me.  I have been crying all the time, heck I am crying now as I write this.  I miss my mom so much.  Yesterday all I could think of was I missed her so much and wanted to see her so bad, I just wished my time would come so I could go be with her.  I have cried myself to sleep the last 3 nites.  I think I am going to have to go see my doctor and talk about maybe some medication and am going to have to find a support group here locally where I can find folks to talk to. 

Thank you for the prayers, they are appreciated.

Casey, around 2-3 years old, 16 lbs.

Thank you everyone for the comments and instructions. I am so technologically challenged! It seems like this photo is going to be really huge. I hope I'm not junking up the board...

Ann -- I sure hope your friend was able to come and take you out of the house. It sounds like you are really going through hell. It's true that part of that could be chemical --  maybe you need different meds? It's a real balancing act. I don't mean that you shouldn't have your feelings. They are necessary to heal. But it could be that you need to check things out with a doc. I'm sure no expert; I'm just thinking of what you could do to help yourself.

Storyas -- Casey is a boy, and quite an active boy! He serves as a great distraction as he is chewing chewing chewing & needs constant "guidance." I am leaving tomorrow to go be with my dad as he is having surgery. I think Casey will be happy to hang out with my parents' atomic Chihuahua! I absolutely dread walking into the house without my mother there, and I sure hope my father's procedure goes off without a hitch. He's getting his prostate "reamed."

So, I'll be gone a week or 10 days. I am taking the support from the people on this board with me. Thanks to all of you.

Casey is an angel!  You are truly blessed to be able to have a companion like him.  Give him puppy kisses for me.

Mary, although I think it is natural to want to go be with the one we lost, please promise me that if you ever feel suicidal that you will go straight to the emergency room or if you are heading in the direction of feeling suicidal that you will confide in a trusted friend and let them take you to the doctor.  As much as we want to be with our mom's again and as much as they probably want to be with us again, I can guarantee that your Mom would never want you to harm yourself.  No mom would.  If she thought you were going to harm yourself, she'd be worrying about you from heaven.  Any Mom is going to want their child to enjoy life while they have life and leave that life only when it is naturally their time to go.  If you are a Mom, I'm sure you feel that way about your kids and know that what I'm saying is true.  I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and am glad you are coming here and will be going to a local grief support group.  I know how bad it hurts.  I didn't even feel like I took a good breath for two years after my mom died.  She was my best friend I'd ever had, so even now a few years later, I still get on here, because I still long so much for things to be the way they used to be, and I miss her so bad still.  I still have dreams on a regular basis where it's like I'm with her and I'm trying to persuade her to take her medicine and she is telling me that she is not sick that she lived even though the doctors told her she wouldn't, which I think is her way of telling me she is till alive.  But, one thing I can tell you is that even though I miss her this much a few years later, it is not mingled with so much pain as it was early on.  Now I can think of the good memories and not just be swaddled in pain all the time, and it will get better like that for you too.  Please believe it will get better and hold onto that hope if nothing else sustains you until it starts to get a bit better.  And, try to do something you enjoy if you can.  If you can't, try to get someone who cares about you to take you out and do something fun with you to get you moving in the right direction.  I promise you it will get better with time.

Judy - Casey is so cute.  Casey looks exactly like the first dog I ever had of my own, except my dog was black.  I got him when I was 18 years old and got my first apartment.  His name was Jeffrey.  He was a poodle/schnauzer mix.  Other than the color, Casey looks just exactly like Jeffery - Jeffrey even used to look at me with the look on his face that Casey has here.  It's funny - I hadn't thought about Jeffrey in a while and then earlier this week I ran across his old vet records and now I see Casey who looks like him.  You are in for lots of joy.  My Jeffrey was a character, and I love him so much.  I'm sure Casey will bring a lot of joy to your life like Jeffrey brought a lot of joy to my life.  Give him puppy kisses for me too.  Thank you for sharing the picture.  He is awfully cute.  And, the dog I have now was a chewer when I first got him.  He'd even chew lightly on me.  It ended up being stress and he calmed down and stopped doing it when he realized he was safe and in a home that wasn't going to go away.  Maybe you'll have a similar experience with Casey.  Have a good trip home.  I pray for your Daddy that he will be okay and have no problems with his procedure.  And, try to think of the good memories you have of your mom in their house if you can.  I know it will be hard to be in that house without her.  It was for me at first.  But, I took care of my dad in their house after my mom died.  At first it was really hard but the more I went there the easier it got.

Thank you Storyas, today is a better day, I did talk to someone and I did get out and do something so I feel some better.  I have never felt suicidal but can certainly understand how easy it would be for someone to reach that point, and I know my mom would NEVER want me to harm myself.  I think as my counselor friend said, I had been so immersed in taking care of my moms affairs these last 4 months that I had not really had time to truly grieve so now that things are a little less hectic and I am not 24/7 doing mom related things that I am starting my grieving process whereas everyone else has already been in it. It's so very hard thinking I won't be able to just go talk to her and hug her.  I know she is still with me, I just wish I felt her all the time.  This online support group is a lifesaver and each of you on here such blessings.  Thank you!

Casey is adorable. I am having a crappy time lately. I feel so alone.

Sue, good news is, you aren't!  We may not be there in person, but we are here on this support group.  (((hugs)))

Lynda, I was with my mom for three years.  In the hospital, at chemo appointments, for surgery, and in the end, she died in rehab while I was at home trying to get a little rest so I could keep on working to pay the bills.  I was not there when she died.  That was a year and a half ago and I still can't resolve that fact in my heart.  Hopefully you had chances every day to tell your mom how much you loved her and in the end I think that's what is important.  It's not the last words that matter as much as all the thousands of times that you told her you loved her while she was with you, at least that's what I am hoping.  The pain will never go away, the love will always stay.

Lynda, I wish I could say something profound to you to make you feel better, but what I've learned in the month and a half since my mom died is that there is nothing anyone can say.  Take the time to be with your family now, thats the only thing that got me through.  I was 900 hundred miles away from her when it happened, I wish I could have had the chance you had had to be with her that last day.  

Hello Friends,

As always thank you for your support. I wish I could tell you ladies that it gets easier. It remains hard to deal with loosing your mother. My mom and I were very close. She lost her battle with throat cancer June 26, 2011. It truly is (was) horrible to watch your mommy suffer and then watch the life drain out of her face and then she was gone. I will never forget that day. Don't feel guilty you were not with her when she passed. As much as I would not have been any other place but beside her when she took her last breath, it haunts me all the time. I am comforted in knowing she is no longer suffering and in pain. My mom struggled so much in her life after my bio father came home one day and told her he never loved her or us kids and he left. She never got over that day. Now no one can hurt her again. I do feel so alone because she was all I had. My sisters are just selfish and bitter and horrible people that I have had to distance myself from. You are my sisters now. Sue

Lynda, I am sure there really is nothing that anyone can say that will take your pain away. What I can tell you is that your mom was lucky to have you there and perhaps she was just trying to say thanks and I love you.  My mom died March 22, 2012-exactly 21 days after her diagnosis of a brain tumor and she really did not know what was going on.  I think it bothers me more that she was herself on February 27 but on February 29 she didn't know who I was or my sister or any idea what was going on around her-it's surreal!  I had been at hospice with my mom all the time but the evening she died I had to leave because my daughter was in a car accident and totaled her car.  While I was gone, my mom passed away-noone was there with her and that bothers me-but my comfort comes in the words of the chaplains and counselors who told me they believe that many times mothers pass when their children leave the room to spare them . Sue-I re-read your post thinking-is that my sister posting that because my dad left my mom and said the same thing-just that he was a coward and left a note on the refrigerator.  You are right Sue-we are like a family on here.  I was supposed to go to a group support group today for the first time-I couldn't go-I did not want to sit amongst people I did not know and break down and cry.  I will use this group and my support!

lynda, i wanted you to know that i was with my mom all nite & held her hand b4 she went to heaven.  i had actually left to go back home 250 miles away.  but i have to not beat myself up for not being there. 

Hi everyone.  Today has been a really bad day for me.  It was the first time since my mom died last month that I really felt like I needed to talk to her about something.  I was having an issue with my roommate, and all I wanted was to talk to her about it, and she wasnt there.  I held back tears all through work, and then had a temper tantrum in the car on the way home.  All I could say was I want my mommy.  It was the first time I let myself utter those words, and this is really the first time I've written them.  I have been holding them back since the night my dad told me she passed.  I'm crying as I write this, and thats only happening because I'm home alone.  I dont know how to open up to my friends because they all seem so uncomfortable and I dont blame them, I wouldnt be comfortable if I was them. Im so isolated and in so much pain.

Ariel,

I know how you feel. I wish my mom was around for me to bounce things off too.

Its ok Ariel there is nothing wrong with you, with crying, with wanting your mommy and with screaming that you do-I have and I am 51! I am sorry you feel so alone, but if they truly are your friends, they will understand.

Ariel,

We have all been or still are exactly in the same place as you now are. Your mommy is still there to hear your words. Talk to her. I talk to my mommy all the time. From experience, you have to get to a comfortable place in your mind with what truly is your life now. Things will change as time goes on. Your mother is still your mother. She is just in a different place now. You will see her again. I promise. The hardest thing to do is to give your mother permission to be happy where she is. Loosing your mother is THE MOST painful thing period. Maybe loosing a child is worse. I can't even imagine that. My mother was all I had in the world. I lost her June 26, 2011. I think about her every minute and still cry quite often. The emptiness never goes away. You just learn to live without them in the physical sense. Sometimes I pretend she is on a trip somewhere. Denial is nice sometimes. My friends never even ask how I am. If they only knew the times I cry in my own silence. Please reach out to all of us who are here for you. You are not alone. Sue

Thank you guys.  This place is kind of a god send, it's really comforting to talk to people who are going through this.  It scares me to think it'll never stop being what it is.  My roommate is going to have a baby tomorrow, it's so surreal.  I'm grieving a loss and celebrating a birth.  Its hard to figure out which way is up at the moment.  

Lynda, I'm so sorry you lost your mom, and I'm sorry that the last few hours of her life were so trying for you.  I know how you feel.  When my dad died, I left the night he died and was not with him.  I have hypoglycemia and was getting sick, so I had to go eat.  I asked him if he mind if I left, and I thought he said he didn't want me to, but wasn't sure.  But, I had to leave.  I kissed him and told him I loved him and I would be back the next morning.  I planned to get back at 6AM.  He died around 4:30AM.  I never saw him again.  For months I tortured myself with the memory of what I thought he said.  Finally, with time, I began to heal.  Time does make it better.  I won't lie, it took about a year to get over just that one piece of it, but the good news is that it wasn't the same intensity of suffering for a year and then all of a sudden it got better.  The good news is it got a little better each day, so month 1 was easier than when it first happened, month 2 was easier than month 1.  Those guilts and doubting are common for grief, but they do get better with time.

My mom passed awat December 12, 2011. Lately it has gotten worse to go on without her. I cry almost everyday and I am having less good days. Some days, i just want to be with her. I feel so lost and alone. Does it really ever get to a point that life without my mother can be more tolerable?

Sue, I am sorry that you continue to hurt so badly.  I am also sorry that your father treated you all so hatefully.  Maybe you have a hard time with your sisters, because they inherited whatever was in him that made him that way.  I had to separate myself from my brothers, and I thank Brenda Ann from this group for our private conversations that have finally given me the courage to say that here, because I finally said it to her last week and stopped keeping this secret.  They abused me all of my life.  And, like typical abusers, they charmed those they were not abusing so that their victims would never be believed.  Finally, in the end, they pushed their game too far and got caught.  They attacked the pastor of my family's church, and then the whole church saw what they were like. Then, they abused my dad so bad that his story ended up in the newspaper after Adult Protective Services took him away from them and gave him to me.  So, I felt like I not only lost my parents but my brothers as well, although loosing my brothers has been a relief instead of a source of pain.  If they aren't in my life it is harder for them to hurt me.  They still hurt me by spreading lies about me that people still believe even after the story of them abusing my dad was in the newspaper where everyone could see it.  People are so naive.  But, the point is the same for me as it is for you - we might have had it harder by doing the right thing and taking care of our parents and standing by them, etc. - but we also have all the joy of the love that allowed us to take care of them. Your sisters and my brothers missed out on that.  We were very lucky to have shared that love.

Arial - I am so sorry you lost your mother.  You sound as if you are quite young, and I think that would make it harder.  I lost my mom when I was 42.  If I'd lost her when I was in my 20's - I don't even want to think about it.  Even though I was older when I lost my mom, I still feel what Sue said - you have to get to a comfortable place in your mind with where you are now.  I'm just now getting there.  I've been forgetting the current life and longing for how it used to be all this time.  Only a couple of nights ago I had a dream where I was at my parent's house helping them pack their stuff to move on, and then I realized that God was helping me to let them go.  It's been a little easier since then.  But, all this time I have wanted to deny what my life is now and have back the one I lost when I lost my parents.  It's hard to let go of a past that we loved so much we never wanted it to change.  Heck, it's hard to let go of any past that made an impact on us.  My dad was severely abused as a child and even though he was glad the abuse was over, he struggled his whole life with letting go of that past.  It always haunted him.  So, how much more is a past we didn't want to let go of going to haunt us.  It's scary and it hurts like heck to move into a future we didn't want, because it meant giving up a past we did want.  It is okay to say you want your Mommy.  It is okay to write it here.  I say it, and I'm well into my adult years.  I said it just a few weeks ago.  All that you are feeling is normal.  You will never completely get over it and you will never be the same (just like we are never the same after any new experience changes us), but the pain does slowly go away and get replaced with good memories of the time you had together.  So, please hold onto the hope that it does get better.

Marlene - you do get to a point where life is more tolerable.  Please believe me on that.  It will give you hope.  It has only been a few months since you lost your mom.  At six or seven months after loosing my mom, it seemed like it hurt worse.  At first, I went a bit numb.  Then, at about the length of time into the grieving that you are now, the pain really pushed through the numbness and kicked my butt for a while.  Then, I slowly began to feel better.  It takes a while though.  I'm not going to lie to you only because if I lie and say it will be over in a month and it's not, then you will loose hope and stop believing it will get better.  It took me two years after my mom died to loosen up enough that I realized I was breathing.  I still remember the shock the first time I became aware that I had just taken a breath.  It took me three years to get to the point where I could do some things that brought joy to my life without her, because I had most always done those things with her.  My dad died recently and that is what led me to this group, but I have come over to this I Miss My Mom group to talk too, because I still miss her and still long for it to be the way it was when she was alive.  But, I can be honest that after a few years the pain is much less and I am enjoying life again - not as fully as when I had her to share it with, but I am enjoying life again, and it continues to get a bit better all the time.  It does get better.  It comes at different speeds for different people.  You may feel much better at one year.  It may happen faster for you than me.  I don't know how long it will take.  It may take only a few months longer or it may take a year longer - just know that however long it takes that it is still temporary and you will feel much better soon.

hi all.  i am down.my sis sent me a few of my moms clothing which  i am grateful for but it just about did  me in.  i have been drinking & want to check out  just venting