Michael iam sorry for your loss i know how you feel. This has been a rough week iam so tried i hurt so much. What i want the most in the world i cannt have. I keep thinking that all i have to do is take all my meds and maybe i could be with him again but i know i cannt leave my kids like that oh god i miss him so much i want my life back. i feel so empty and scared all the time i just want it to end to be able to feel something besides the pain making me lose my mind. I know he would want me to be happy but i cannt do this anymore. I dont talk to anyone or leave the house unless its to go to the drs. and all they do is keep giving me meds to take telling me it will be better i just dont know how. I miss how he would hold my hand or wrap his arms around me i cannt do this anymore i dont know what to do now.

Katherine, I guess your comment was about your adopted mom passing from cancer.....well my mom died from cancer too, and its such an unfair illness....I try to say the right things on here because I dont want to upset anyone further with what they are going through, but I do know how it feels, when my mom told me from the hospital, "Rachel, you need to know I have cancer, I need you to be strong"....that one horrible word was very difficult....I'm not sure if it ever gets easier

michael,

oddly today I was sad before I even opened my eyes. Maybe because it is our (Paiges) and my grandaughters 16th birthday and we had given Paiges car to her before she died.. Our Kayla called Grandma Paige:Grandma TYgRRR, I could feel it all day!!! heavey on the heart!

I guess Paige was trying to let me know she  remembered and please give Kayla her card.  OH how I cried!!!!!!!!!!!!!I miss her more than the air I breath!!!!!  Jeannie colo. Take care

Its been awhile since Ive written on here have just been so down that I havent felt like doing much hard for me to get out of bed at times even harder to leave the house.  I finally started therapy and its ok I guess I just dont even know why Im going, nothing anyone says or does makes it any easier that I lost my fiance.   Today seems especially hard Im not sure why I guess because its rainy and cool here and I woke up feeling especially lonely for Jerry.  Crying off and on trying not to let the kids see because they dont understand and that makes all of this worse trying to keep telling them daddy isnt coming home and so on.

Guy,

 I kknow what you mean when you say each passing day seem hollow and meaningless.  I feel the same way sometimes all of this just seem unreal, feel like Im in a bad nightmare and I cant wake up

I'm so sorry you are going through this Shawna, trust me I know how it feels...emptiness, loss, heartbreak....by the way we have the same last name, you just spell yours differently....I wish you peace through this difficult time hun, and we are all here for each other any time :)

hey Shawna, crying isnt weird, you have to get it out....lord knows i have shed enough tears the last few weeks for a year's worth....you are not alone, even if it seems it....I dont have much family either....my sister didnt even get involved in the funeral or anything cause she was estranged from my mother....it makes me sick....maybe someday it will get easier, but there will always be the thoughts....i dont see for myself how its going to get easier, i miss her with every bit of my soul....I loved and adored my mom so much, its just a deep ache, not to make you sadder....she died of cancer also.....she didnt know she had it until an operation she had, and it progressed too fast....its so hard....hang in there hun....we are here :)

There is no way anyone can tell us how to work through our grief, this is something we all have to work through in our own way. If you have loved someone with all your heart and soul like i think all of us on here it just seems insurmountable to get through every day, I know i will never get over my soulmate but it's not what she wanted for me, i think for each of us, our loved ones wouldn't want or rather don't want us to let go of the memories but also not to stop with the business of carrying on with our lives. Just typing this brings back fresh memories of Margi and fresh tears of longing, but the tears flush away the anguish and the longing. I may not see her, but her spirit lives forever and her pictures around me remind me of her. The good times and the bad times we had all built the relationship i have with her now, stronger than ever with a feeling of inner peace and longing that nothing or anyone can change. I wish everyone the peace and understanding they all deserve, becuase no one should go through this alone.

Cannt seem to move on with  my life i cry and throw things so depressed i havent gotten out of bed for the last 3 days now i pull the blankets over my head and cry till i fall asleep only to see my husband in my head i wake reaching for him to find he's gone and cry all over again. I dont know how iam going to get over this my heart and soul hurting so bad i need to find some way of moving on just not sure how to. I try to be brave in front of the kids but iam not doing so good right now. I feel like iam losing my mind being pulled in some many different ways being told i should be that i should be doing things this way or that but i dont care not any more. He was my life we were always together it wasnt supposed to be like this, we were going to retire and sit in rocking chairs watching our grandkids grow but that dream is gone now and my soul and heart are broken beyound repair. I loved him so much i dont know how to live with out him. So tried of feeling like this. I havent left my house in days and dont want to really i lay in our bed holding on to his shirt crying my eyes out. I hate that the cancer took him from us if i could i would have taken his place god i miss him so much. When dose the pain go way i so scared feel like iam losing my mind so much of the time i still hear his voice late at night i reach for him to fine myself alone and i hurt all over again

Jan  thank you for your comment. I feel as you do.  I feel him with me at times I need him most and it is very comforting to know he is with me in spirit. I want him in body but knowing he is not totally gone from me is

a blessing.... I wish you all Gods love....

http://www.maryelizabethrobinson.com 

Losing a loved one to cancer is difficult and life changing. I always feel like I am in some strange sense a "cancer survivor", because cancer not only steals our loved ones, but changes the immediate family's lives forever.
My story is a long one, but I would like to share this with all of you....I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was a child. She was only 39 years old. Her death changed me forever and made me the person I am today. There was much more struggle in my life after her death. I am not going to lie, it was difficult.

Then in 1993, my father died from kidney cancer and 7 years later my only older brother died at age 41 of pancreatic cancer. I learned a very important lesson after my brother's illness and death. Our loved ones remain connected to us FOREVER. Death is not the end.

I have written a book about my experiences with death and all that has transpired through out my journey. I have been blessed with a gift of knowing. There is life after life. I have lived a life of unexpected tragedy, but my faith has always remained close to my heart. My purpose and this divine gift give testament to the world we all have waiting for us after this life, an eternal tomorrow, as promised in the Bible. Our loved ones would not want us to be sad. They would want us to live out the rest of our lives in happiness and peace. They watch over us and help guide us.

This is what I have learned and this is what I wish to share with all of you who have ever lost a loved one.

               A LETTER TO MY HUSBAND

Sitting here looking at pics of the past how happy we were woundering if i will ever feel the normal again. You were taken from us way to soon is all i can think the pain and sorrow still deep in my heart. I dont know how to go on with out you my love. Looking at theses pics i know that i will never be the same with out you the laughter the tears the joy we shared still so fresh in my head and heart. I see your smiling face i hear your laughter i see your joy over our childerns lifes how you cry the day the were born how happy thoses days were. Now all i have are trhese momories of the past not knowing how to go on with my life now that your gone. I know i promised you i would but i feel as if iam falling apart broken unable to move on i live i the past when we were together. I try not to upset the kids walking on eggshells here dont want them to see how much pain iam in. They miss you so much as do I. Our daughter is in her last year of nursing school she is out in May and it will be so hard that day you not being with us to see her do this next year our son is done with school to he loves cooking just like you did his teachers tell me hes going to be a great cheif that he loves what hes doing and that will make all the differents in the world, go figure that we were always so worried about him not finding his place in this world, well we dont have to worry anymore about that, cannt get him out of my kitchen now when he comes home from school breaks. You would be so proud of the kids there doing so good. God i miss you so much each day feels like a entriny the nights are worst. I know your better now not in pain not wasting away but i still wish that i could be with you baby.  I found a pic of us at lovers leap in strave rock state park today god we were so happy then I LOVE YOU so much and hurt like hell right now wanting nothing more than to be with you but knowing I cannt right now anyway. So tired of people telling that things like oh its going to get better but its been 2 years and things havnt gotten any better i still wake up crying and go to bed crying for you. You were my world and still are you know. All are plans to grow old together are gone i fell so empty inside. I love you today as much as i did when we married you will always have my heart my love and my soul you are a part of me that i would never trade or give up you show me how to love and trust that we would be together forever. I know you must think iam crazy writting this letter to you but i was told that if i did it would give me a little bit of peace of mind and lord knows i need that lately i feel like my whole life was ripe apart and i have not ideal how to put it back together again with out you to help me. I know it sounds so sad our life reduce to writing you letters that you will never get to read that makes me cry harder sometimes. Speaking of letters i didnt know that you keep all the letters i wrote to you while we were dating you were so sweet babyi put them with the ones i have from you in a box tied with a red ribbon when i can i will sit and read them again but right now its to painful to do that. I feel you in the house around me can hear you at times calling out to me but just once i would love to hold you in my arms again to feel your body next to mine and know that we were together again iam trying to be brave but the pain of missing you sometimes gets in the way of that. Your mother is doing better Iam not sure how I would have gotten this far without her she has been a rock for me, your brother and sister well what can i say there the same as always and that should be enough to tell you that nothing has changed there. So many of our friends still thinking of you, Tim is doing a little better now after his dad died he lost it for a while but hes getting back on track now he told me how hard it was for him to lose you and his dad in the same year you guys were like brothers I hope all gose well for him and his family. I still think of you every day and night. Wishing we had our lifes back to normal but thats not going to happen and i want you so bad just to hear you again to feel your presents here i could always tell when you would walk in the room to matter how quite you were it use to drive you nuts i know... Well I guess i had better go now but i will be here for you waiting till we see each other again till then know that I LOVE YOU so very much baby. 

Jeannie in freezing Colorado..I have successfully had two days of over the top anxity and fear. Fear of fear itself. I pushed a button on my phone to get my messages and "There she my Paige) was somehow one was left on the phone.."HI HONEY!!!!,,,Kayla (our granddaughter} and I are at Subway be home soon" "love you" "KISS" "KISS"

To the floor..If I had been prepaired It would have maybe been a sweet moment. How can she be gone,,I am going to go see friends of hers in Ca. a friend gave me their flier miles.. I'm scared to go,I 'm scared not to go. Our 18 yr anniv will be while I am there. I quit paying on the second Morgage today. A friend said with the way things are I should be able to live here by paying the first for quite awhile. So I am scared about where I shall live. I do not live alone well. EVER. I am just a wound up mess. I do get out of bed as I am afraid if I do not I will never get out of bed. I mean it is not like old fruit and i'll decompose and die. and some one will put me in their compost pile...Maybe not so bad ..uh? Well thanks to you all for being out here..

As, I read all of these entries, my heart aches with sadness. I feel the pain so clearly. I lost my mother, father and brother--all to cancer. During all those specific times, there was never anything anyone could say or do to heal that pain. Everyone says time will ease the pain. The pain will never leave your heart, it won't be as fresh as it is today. I truly believe grief is a process.

I read this in an article recently and wanted to share it with you all.

The first step in healing is to recognize and admit that we have these feelings. Bringing them to the surface, instead of submerging them, diminishes their ability to keep us from moving forward in the grieving process. Acceptance is the release of resistance and the beginning of the end of suffering. Once feelings are consciously realized, they can be healed through forgiveness- the second step. Forgiveness means that we don’t want to carry the burden of negative feelings anymore.

Understanding intuitively that love- no matter how obscured we perceive it to be- is the core of all relationships. In other words, how have we grown as a result of the relationship with the deceased person? Even if circumstances were less than optimal- even painful and seemingly unloving- what opportunities were presented to us for our growth?  Seeing relationships from a spiritual perspective (and from our soul) gives fresh, unrestricted insights about their deeper significance in our lives. Most importantly, perceiving life from the vantage point of the soul opens us to seeing the divine order of death in our and our loved ones’ spiritual evolution. That means accepting that letting go of the ways we think things should or could have been brings us peace.

Please know, I am praying for all who are suffering with this transition of losing a loved one.

Michael, I am glad you are seeing a therapist though, does it help?  I feel if I go to won, I will just relive what led up to her death over again and I dont think thats healthy for me....I've been real sick the last couple weeks or so with something thats been pretty scary, I've been told what it is, but just need relief, so honestly, thinking of mom hasnt been there since I'm trying to get through this....it feels like a life threatening problem, so its been scary, in a way its weird though, it released me from the grief of mom, even if its for a short time....I wish you peace Michael....it just hast to get better....not sure how long its been since Denise passed....its only been a couple of months since my mom died...I do get control, but there are moments I really struggle....but she would not want to see me so sick right now, that part I am thankful she doesnt have to....I hope for releif soon