really bad day for me today and no clue why... just the usual I guess

Cindy, I'm so sorry for your loss. No, this is not a group anyone would ever want to be in.  We lost our only child, Caitlin, almost 6 years ago but it truly feels like yesterday to me.  Like you, I look forward to the day we are reunited in heaven.  I miss Caitlin so much it physically hurts.  I hope heaven isn't too far off.  

"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything"  

~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Dear Cindi

 I am so sorry to have to welcome you to this group. I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are devastated and in shock right now. lease lean on us as much as you need to, anytime. Prayers and love to you.

Christine thank you for sharing.  While my life is no better it actually makes me feel normal to hear others are having the same experiences.

always sad to 'welcome' someone new to this group... but its safe here.. you can be exactly who you are... who you have become... I know I have become someone different... someone even I don't know ... disconnected... lonely... sad... lost... trying to hope.. trying to feel grateful for all that I STILL have... and sometimes succeeding and mostly failing... but trying at least... I think I'm trying at least.. others don't always agree but then they're not me... so since I don't really have anything encouraging to say about the future I find myself staying away even from this group.. so as not to just add more gloom... but now and again I come in to see my friends and hope to find some peace with those who know what I'm talking about...

Dolly, I'm glad you popped in. All I can say is, "Ditto".

I don't get on here very often anymore. I guess it's my way of being in denial. It always saddens me to get notifications of new members being added to this group. It's a hard walk to bear, regardless of the age of our lost child. Hello to everyone.

September it will be 4 years that I lived without my Michael.  The other day I found myself with my nose deep inside his work boots trying to smell him.  When I realized what I was doing I laughed at myself while tears streamed down my face. 

Jill, I don't understand either. Not at all.

I have a hard time with the resting spot too. One thing I have learned to do, is prepare ahead of time any flowers I wish to leave. So when I arrive I can whisk in the new flowers and take out the old ones.

I bought a family funeral plot area, so all of my family members can be laid to rest there. My first child loss, an infant son, unfortunately, is in a different cemetery. Maybe one day, I will move him with us. 

What a crazy world I now live in. Everyday, just another day living the nightmare.

I am having a very difficult time also. Jill _ I did the same thing a few days ago. My son's shoes still hang in the shoe organizer in his closet and we were having guests use his room really for the first time as a "guest room". I needed to make space and so I just took it down and put it under my bed. I took out his shoes and felt inside them, smelled inside them. Today I was screaming his name to the top of my lungs. Time has stood still. I can't find any way to move forward. To others it looks like I do, but inside I am dying....

I am missing my daughter more than the words can express. even went to her grave yesterday cause my life is no longer the same without her. at the same time I appreciate this site it makes me realise that I am not the only one.  

first ... you may have heard about all the flood and tornado damage to WV last month.. well the day it happened my husband and I were at the mountain house overnight and Bo was in town with his caregiver at our house there... up on the mountain we had a moderate thunderstorm but nothing unusual and we had no clue anything was happening on the other side of the mountain .. they were under a warning or watch or whatever for a tornado that was headed straight for the town where my son was with his worker.. and the phones and power were totally wiped out by a  horrendous thunderstorm that they told us was just constant lightning strikes and continuous thunder and sheets of rain pouring down like never seen before by this area... then for SOME REASON the tornado shifted course and touched down north of our town where Bo was.. about 20 miles north.. and that's where all the devastation occurred around here...there was more in other parts of the state too but where the tornado hit was worst I think... when we got home we were totally amazed to find all this out but we were totally overwhelmed with relief.. although the storm blew out several appliances there was no other damage.. and we could have come home totally unawares and found our house devastated and our son Bo gone too... we know somehow we were spared this .. this time... and we are so grateful.. sad and sorry for all those that lost everything just miles from here... and I'm with Jill... I don't know why God lets such horrible things happen to good hardworking and kind people... but He is my only hope of ever seeing my child again so I keep trying to trust Him again... some days I can and some days I can't seem to.. but I'm trying... anyway this was my first good news story... now for the other one.

last Thursday we were up in the mountain house again and were playing music as usual when I got to thinking about Brandon and the 'dancing tree'... the one that always seemed to be swaying and twisting and dancing along with the music after Brandon died.. it was a little tree then.. now three years later its pretty big... I kind of jokingly said to Charlie...."I guess the dancing tree is too big to dance anymore" and RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT the tree started to 'wave' at us.. and NOTHING ELSE was moving at all... even the birds were quiet... it was that kind of day.. HUSHED is the best way I can describe it... like everything was waiting for something... but that tree WAVED at us with its limbs swirling and dipping.. and just for a short time and then stopped... and as far as I remember didn't move again that day.. or at least not in that 'dancing' way it has of moving... and one more time I felt as if we were in the Presence of something Holy and Wonderful and that it was another reassurance of the truth of God and that we are NOT that removed from heaven itself if we can only open ourselves to the reality that we are already part of the heavenly family we are yearning to join one day... I know this may sound crazy to some people or somehow sound pretentious that God would bother to communicate with us.. but it happens... and has been happening to some extent all my life without me knowing or thinking about what it meant.. and since Brandon died there have been so many unexplained happenings ... which have kept me going.... they have slowed way down now... for whatever reason... maybe its me not looking anymore.. or me shutting them out to try to work my way forward.. but there's no 'forward' really.... just now and waiting .. for when we will .. WILL... be together again...

Awesome Dolly <3

Jill you and Josh will be in my heart this week. I ill light a candle for him beside Daniel's on Friday. hugs to everyone

Love to all here. its been such a long time only because I'm at such a loss for words, I come here, read, feel immense sorrow for all the 'new' ones here, hear my dearest 'old' friends and what they say and just feel I'm just going to add to the gloom we all feel instead of being of some help. This Dec it will be 6 years since I lost my only son, only child who was then 27...my heart....nothing ever ever makes up for this kind of a death blow. I can pretend all I want, put on a smiley face now and then but I feel such a disconnect to the present though I try very very hard to be in the flow of whatever is now.

6 years!!!! and I am still alive while he went? I could not have imagined a moment without him. But I want to talk about those moments as Dolly describes so well as being in the presence of something grander, something that makes you so still and stand in awe that even breathing is an intrusion. I will but right now just feel pain.

The past few months we have moved from the east coast to the west coast. We had a whole lot of moving to different homes as many were available for short term only. Tomorrow finally we move to a home where I hope to be for the next 2 years at least. My husband kind of took a break and is only now looking for jobs. While that is fine I have not had 'alone' time which I so desperately need especially when I want to sink into thoughts , happy thoughts even about my times with my son. My husband I met much later after my son passed and I was a single parent since 1998.

sighhhh sighhh sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... MICKY I WANT YOU WITH ME, I want the love , the laughter, the contentment , the joy of seeing a wonderful boy full of life smiling that sweet smile, telling me little things over the phone, frowning when i was mad at something and shaking his head. I once remember him asking me, " Mummy, do you blame your mom for everything that happens in your life? I thought a bit and said , " yes maybe I do".. and he just laughed loud and said " thats just so pathetic" and I giggled too and said that the fact that you don't makes me supermom because all people are fallible as are moms... He said " you are playing the 'mom' card so I will let you have the last word"

Well i want the last word now .... I want you with me my darling boy. But that won't happen will it?

Dolly, Connie, Jill, Mitchelle, Teresa and all of you here LOVE you all, you are all always close to me in my heart and thoughts always.While I may not say much here anymore, I think of you all everyday. Sending Love and all prayers for peace...

I saw a post by Karen who started this group and wanted to say Thank you , a huge Thank you , here we have connections of the heart and have found solace when no one else could give it.xoxoxoxox

Dolly that tree will never stop dancing. 

Everyone here helped me down this road and for that I will be forever grateful.  I hold each one of you in my heart. 

I was hoping something would change by now but the only thing that changed was me. Still not sure after almost 4 years who I am but I know I'm no longer the same person.

Seems like when I hit bottom the hardest I find signs of Michael.  I think it's him letting me know he's there.  Sometimes I ask him to hold my hand. 

Life just seems so intensified now. 

Even when I have nothing to say I want you all to know I NEED YOU!

I read the posts and some times I just sit and cry for us all.

I miss you Mike, I wish I could just have one last "snuggle time" with you.

I think forgiving ourselves for all those things we can think of that we could have done better or that we think could have changed the outcome of losing our children. That is my greatest struggle. I can't seem to forgive myself and  have a hard time accepting that I can't do anything now to "make up" for my faults. They say that advanced spirits don't need as much time here on this earth. So I am proud to have been the Mama to a very advanced soul....guess i have some learning to do

I think we have grown away from a spiritual view of the world... so many people don't even believe there IS a God much less try to know Him... and when things like this happen even if we DO believe it hits us so hard and causes so many doubts and even [in my case at least] a great deal of ANGER at the Being that didn't stop this from happening... but when all is said and done we can't change anything about what happened to our darling loved ones... but if we DO let ourselves reach out to the Spirit and let ourselves believe that indeed there IS a heaven and it IS a place where we will be reunited .. if we do that we at least have SOME hope ... otherwise what do we have? So I rant and rave at God some days... not so much any more.. but there have certainly been days where I did just that... and I cry off and on just about every day... but every time the tree waves at me or I smell lilies or a special song makes itself register on my radar I KNOW I am in touch with Something so much bigger than all of what we know as 'life' and I KNOW there is more...

The 6th "anniversary" (I hate that word in this context) is Tuesday.  The last week has been pure hell.  I'm so depressed.  I worry about everything.  Caitlin is my only child.  Who will want her things at the end of my life?   I still have all her toys, her Girl Scout things, her prom dresses, everything.  I'm only 57.  I can't live decades more like this.    

Danny, we love you dearly even 5 years after you left us. August 14, 2011. I love an miss you so much. Time really does not heal.

Love to Danny tonight. I will light a candle for him. My son;s name is Daniel.

Jill - yes I agree - so painful. As parents who lost on only child - who wants any of this "meaningful" stuff we have saved for our children and grand children to be? No one. It hurts so much

Patty - I am beginning to see - the years do not ease the pain - I am sorry to say

Hugs to everyone here.

Vasanthi <3 <3 <3

Thank you for the love everyone.  Today is a very difficult day.  But then everyday is.  Thank you all for being here.

as we plan for the beach my nerves are like wires ripped from the wall ... I'm a wreck... I feel so like I did right after Brandon died.... lost.... even my balance is off... all cold inside all the time..... ringing so loud in my ears.. panic mode hits from nowhere and nothing helps... maybe I'm not ready for this... I so want to be for my son Bo and my husband who both want to go to the beach so much.. I do too in some ways... but I can't seem to get this panic and fear under control... my heart goes out to all of you dealing with those days that don't have a name .. that we call 'anniversaries' or some such thing.. they never get easier I don't think.... different maybe but nothing changes deep down ... they are still gone to a place we can't really reach for now and its so lonely without them..

I am watching tv, reading, sleeping too much. I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything.  I am not getting things done.

My son, Dustin died on July 14, 2016 at age 32 of a rare dsease called MELAS.  I was taking care of him.  I feel lost, and rarely leave home.