I've sung that song so many times (as a good dance song)...but they are the perfect lyrics for us, taking on anew meaning now.....especially " cause really I'm sad, sadder than sad..." Gotta go put that mask on now and start my day. That chill in the air makes me so sad. It was my Daniel's favorite time of year. Hugs to everyone

Happy Birthday Larry!  Many HUGS today Sharon.

Happy birthday in heaven Larry <3 <3.

Hugs to all

Thinking of you Rj

And knowing how you feel.....

Why so quiet?

Sometimes  I feel trapped in a bubble of anguish. I guess as time goes on, and I try to make sense of my life, it works for a while. Then it doesn't. I'm so full of anxiety and pain right now, I almost feel guilty even saying it . It's almost 3 years for us Jane. Almost 3 years since I've seen my son and never will again. Sometimes I feel my heart is going to just explode. I am not dealing with any of this very well right now so the words are hard to find but I hold you all in my heart. <3

Connie, sept 28 was micku's 31st birthday. I knew i would find it intolerable, so we went out to Maine for a few days. It helped a bit but just brought home that this Dec 23rd it will be 4 years since I have seen him. My sweet darling boy, I never ever imagined that time can pass by and I will go on without him and knowing that I will have to go on. Like you I find myself dealing with everything badly. Some days are better when I can plod through. For my other friends who have recently 'lost' their darlings I can feel the raw pain and shock but with time you will find a different way of communicating, deep in your heart you will feel the fullness of the love you shared and you will know that you are never alone but held close by your children just as you hold them close to your heart.

Connie, I just passed the 3 year mark on the 10th...I agree with every word of your last post. It feels like I am in the middle of a desert and there is nothing but sand in all directions...there is no real desire for life anymore. Some seem to make it through better, and I hope I am not discouraging anyone by my words.

I also just passed the 3 year mark.  I had a moment when reality set in.  Hit me like a ton of bricks. Took me 2 months just to process what was happening.  I feel like I just came over a huge hump.

Now I know I'm in reality.  Which is very hard to face.  No more convincing myself of things my sensible side of the brain knew wouldn't happen.  But my heart kept convincing me I could wake up to my old life with my son in it.  I am now facing that is not going to happen.

Reality is hard!  Now I have to figure out how to live with this.  This is going to be a part of me forever.  I will carry my son and this pain everywhere throughout life.  I can't change it, I can't go get him, instead I have to figure out how to deal with the reality and how to live with it. 

All I know is every bit of this is so exhausting.  I don't know what comes next but right now I just know the reality is in front of me.

Jill,

I know exactly how you feel. I keep going back and reliving and re-reading our chats and thinking " oh on this day we were talking about his new place or what he would do for breakfast the next day etc. Our chats were such fun too, waking up and saying hiiiii good morning , r u up etc as he was in another country, and me telling him about the small kitten who wandered into my house there  and so on and on. His presence brought so much love and fulfillment and for that to be ripped away has left me and all of us who have to live through this completely bereft. I remember Connie saying how her son used to love Fall and wearing his jacket. Small things bring such a glow of love in ones heart. Dolly whose Brandon loved music and just seeing his pics made one smile because of the huge heartfelt grin he always had....Michelle, Teresa and so many of our friends here who struggle everyday, now sometimes quiet because whatever we say is never enough. Sharing and venting out here brings me close to you all and close to my son because we fantasise that maybe its our children who got together and help us get together with the angels here who open their hearts in understanding.

The other day my bro in law and me were talking about another family member who lost their little girl 20 years ago, suddenly. I said , " its always painful " and he said , " well its more painful for them as your son was older (27). I wanted to scream , my anxiety rocketed sky high and I had to really exert all my control to just be quiet and let the moment pass. Whether our child is young or older its a lifetime of love and now memories. How can it ever be ok? Here I don't need to explain. Sending love to you all.

Vasanthi - sorry you had to endure another misguided comment from your bro in law.How does he know? He can't. Everyone who loses a child have their specific situation and grief to deal with. Of course we know that people always think they understand when they have not a clue.

And I have no doubt they are guiding us through this hell with their signs and their undying love. Yesterday as I touched Daniel's picture lovingly and stroked down the picture, I could feel his hug. I knew he was here but I miss him so terribly and just want him HERE for a real hug. The longing to have him back will never ever end. I just have to believe that where he is he is doing amazing things.

Teresa yes that reality lies before us like an endless desert road!

Jill - I too don't ever want to say anything to add to the pain of those who are have lost their baby so recently. I want to hold you all and say it will be okay and you will be happy again. Maybe some day.... I don't know... but like Teresa said of course you do learn to deal with it better on a daily basis. I judge myself too - I feel like I should be dealing better "by now". But i wanna know how do you go through the holidays watching everyone go on with their lives, enjoying life and their kids and the holidays and this beautiful world. Then I read the news and can hardly deal with the horror of what people do to each other. Where is the reverence for life? I am constantly thinking about life and death and  how it all works in the end. I just know that this reality we live slaps me in face everyday and dares me to go on. I try to do the best I can to make my son proud. And sometimes I just feel like I am failing at that and it brings back all the things I wish I could have done differently. Sorry for rambling...Hugs to all

Hey everybody, WOW Jill! I can't believe she reached out to you now and is going to send some of his things to you, I'm sure it will be very hard to get them, but I'm so glad she is doing it.  When my ex brought over my son's things I sat on the floor with them and cryed to think that is what is left. Haven't been here much, been having a really hard time just trying to make it through the days. My year mark is October 27th and leading up to it is just horrible. To think that my baby has been gone this long makes me sick. The pain is all consuming, I miss him so much. I want my happy beautiful blond little boy back.  Beating myself up with the "what ifs" and if only I did more.  Some days it all feels like too much.  My daughter said to me "it's not normal to be so sad" what????? Even the siblings can't understand the mother's pain. I miss him so damn much.

Jill, that is great that he won awards at the newspaper, that is ridiculous they wanted him to just learn graphic design.  It's a big process. As you moved to AZ, we are in the process of planning to move to Mesa next May and I can't wait, my daughter will still be here but it's only 6 hours away driving and at least everyday I won't be in the area where he grew up with all the reminders. 

Why him, why not somebody else, I can never understand why he could ever choose heroin. He would scream at me "I am not a drug addict" he didn't want to be and he wasn't for very long, he was so smart and so witty and so handsome.  My heart is breaking more every day.  Thanks for being here... hugs and love

Jill - that is really good news that your daughter-in-law contacted you. Maybe she just needed the time to deal. In any case, I pray that you get some closure there at least. And BRAVO for Derek!!!! Hope the paper realizes their loss even though it may have seemed like one to Derek, his true talents shone through. That is just awesome and hope it will give him the confidence to succeed.

Sandy, I know how hard this month is for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It makes me mad that time keeps passing and it gets farther away from when we've saw them last.Hugs to all

Hello  I am new here and just need to talk to others who have lost a son or daughter.  I lost my son in June and as you know I am struggling.  Any help will be appreciated

Lori, I'm so sorry for the lose of your son.  I hate to have to say, "Welcome".  We're all here to support each other.  This is a place to share your thoughts...the good, bad or ugly. We get it.

Jill E they ask as if it matters to us.  All that matters to us is that we lost our child.  But some people will still ask not knowing how invasive the question is to us. 

This journey is difficult.  There are so many things we have to learn to deal with. Inappropriate questions and statements are just 2 of them.

I just recently lost two friends.  One told me I think I'm "Royality" since my Michael left.  How sick is that? And the other told me she can't be there to support me because it's like "re-living it"  HUH? 

I decided these are friends I don't need.

I have two puggles. Pets always give you unconditional love. Just wish some people could be like pets.

I agree T. We have our new rescue doggie of 3 months, Pancho. He is a golden retriever/Chow mix and I think Daniel must have led us right to him. He is the sweetest most loving dog. After losing my son's dog last Mother's Day this house was super quiet and it took a while to get just the right dog. He's brought a lot of fun back to us not to mention intense walking!

Thank God for him ad my kitties.

Teresa I am so sorry about your friends. It is impossible to be the same and for someone to say that to you, well, it hurt me too! I get that same attitude from my sister altho she doesn't come out and say it. She rarely calls me and when we do talk it's always about her, her kids, their kids, her job, her vacation plans, etc etc etc. They never even bother to ask how I'm doing in fear of having to hear the truth. I'm sure they think that by now, I should be "used" to it and not "feeling sorry for myself" as Joel Osteen said in his book. It comes from everywhere. Everywhere that people have not lost a child. They don't want to hear it because they don't get it. I am sorry you lost your friends. We all understand and send you love and our friendship all day long. Hugs to everybody.

Oh Teresa...you do not need friends like that, "royalty" What the heck... I had a really close friend who has not been at all here for me and always says the wrong things, I work with her and I just do not talk to her, she asked one of my coworkers why I don't talk to her anymore.  I wanted to show her a poem someone on here had written a couple months after Randy and she said "I don't want to see anything sad"...really? then you better walk away from me!

Connie, I'm so glad sweet Pancho is a great dog, I agree with all of us, dogs are the best..so much love and they don't say stupid things!!! haha

Nobody asks me how I am, ever, it hurts me.. I'm sad, next year on Tuesday is a year, how can that be? I feel so disoriented and I cant focus, I screwed up a mailing at work yesterday so bad, so embarrassing, lucky my boss is really cool.

You are right Connie, nobody gets it but us, nobody has any idea how all consuming this grief is.  My hubby said - it should be getting a bit easier every day... WHAT? I told him you have no clue, he is Randys stepdad and is so there for me but he doesn't understand. Its not easier, its awful and sad and all consuming.

If we choose to look forward or excited for something, I almost feel like I shouldn't, but I'm going to try.

You are all on my minds every day...much love and hugs. Jill, we are coming to AZ Saturday and I can't wait! Wish I could stay all week but we can't.  Too bad not closer to Sedona... one of these days, we'll get up there. x0

We are all here for you Lori.. did you find out what happened with your son? Sometimes you just feel like reading, cus like you say, it makes you feel not alone and that is fine too.  Hugs to you.. It's a lonely road we are on so it helps to have all these friends who all feel like family.

Teresa, I have had the same experience with my friends. Yesterday I read a blog post that summarized my experience with the changed relationships, Here is the link http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2015/04/08/us-vs-them/#.VihcD14YESY

Some  are fortunate and have strong ties that help support them. I have seen greater strength come from that.

My greatest betrayal came from my supposed BFF who I knew from age 14. She lived with me and my parents when her own family turned their backs on her. I thwarted a rape attack on her at age 16 at great risk to myself. Fast forward...She someyears later came to be in lay leadership at her church. Always leading and singing in the front of her audience. But when my greatest crisis came she ran out on me. I think --rather I know --she did not want my sadness around her. Its strange, that she has attended church for many years, her husband is a "deacon", sent their son for pastor  training... but they can't stand to be around a suffering person which was me, her supposed best friend....it was one of the worst of my secondary losses.

Of course we all know the worst is waking up each morning and realizing our beloved child, in my case children...are no longer with us in the physical...and the worst has happened. Some, seem to reach a new "normal"...I am just not sure that I will ever reach anything but survival mode.

Jesse's Mom Thank you for sharing that writing.  I cried reading it because it is so true.

I don't need the friend that tells me "Michael wouldn't want me to cry" I need the friend that simply hands me a tissue.

Lori

Here's my best answer...

You have a choice. If you want to keep that person in your life, you use your "good" side. They cannot know the depth of our pain. They have been spared, we have not. They will never understand how hurtful those comments are, until you tell them.

For me, I quickly look away and I change the entire direction of the conversation. But it has taken me almost 3 years to get that far. This is one of the reasons I choose to live in "isolation" as much as I can.

I went to hair dresser last week, mine was off sick, I was given to someone I had never seen before. During the convo, I could feel it coming, I knew she was going to ask me about kids, she did. I said 2 girls. She said "Oh do they both live in town?" I said "only one does" and quickly asked her where she was from. I was abrupt. She didn't pursue it.

We are all suffering the ultimate tragedy in life.

None of us knew how this felt, until we became "one of us".

Ignorance is bliss.................

Teresa, I had really identified with the author of that post and it helped me put some things in perspective.

Lori, I am sorry for that very misguided remark. Here is a link to Carol Kearns, a grief counselor who lost her own daughter on the topic of how many children do you say you have http://www.carolkearns.com/columns/col_children.html

But as I read your comment, it seemed like this friend was implying by having grief for the child you lost, that somehow this is compromising the relationships in your life with the other remaining child and grandchild...(unless I am misreading what you wrote)...

...you did not choose this path of grief and it is a very slippery unknown path at times. As a bereaved parent, you are doing the best you can and no one has the right to judge you...or evaluate you in your grieving...seek what is best for you that may heal you...gentle words from others will ease some of the wounding pain...I have cut people from my own life who used their words in a callous manner...this is a hard enough journey in my view...and a very individual one in your soul...

Jane's right it takes time to be able to endure some of the ignorant comments.  Some people don't mean to be ignorant but they have no clue. 

I have a daughter, no grandbabies, but a daughter.  I don't ever want her to feel as though I loved Michael more because that is not so.  But I explained to her while it is her brother it is my son and the grief is going to take me much longer to process.  I will admit I also hide a lot of it from her.

Sharon, just like when they say, "Michael wouldn't want you to cry."

I feel like asking them, "What would he want me to do?"

I just learned we will lose some people along the way.  Some will try and decide what this should look like and when it should end for us. And when it's not what THEY envision they will have ignorant things to say.

You have to walk away and just know, they don't know how grateful they should be not to be us.