Today is 3 years.  THIS SUCKS!!!!!!

Teresa, you are loved and I am praying that you are given the strength and love to face the day. Soon on Sept 28th it will be my son's birthday, he would have been 31. I find this month extremely painful though I had begun steeling myself for it earlier. I guess one just stays with whatever comes up and faces it square in the eye and draw strength from the fact that these life lessons are meant to help us understand the impermanence of life. God who is all compassionate and merciful and loving I pray that you keep us peaceful while going through this journey even though we do not understand your ways. I pray that you hold our children close to you and you who are known to be all Love give us that trust that doesn't allow us to have any doubt that all is well. Please merciful God give us all here the much needed comfort and love so that even though we cry in vexation we also feel your presence in our lives everyday.

hugs to you today Teresa.... I pray for a special awareness today for you from heaven... one you will just KNOW that you KNOW that you KNOW is a hug from your precious son... and from the God who loves you both so much.. and from the rest of us please know we are aching inside for you too.... we are joined at the heart forever now.... in sorrow and pain.. but also in the HOPE that ALL of us will be reunited in heaven... and what a party we will have.....love you

Jill.. GOOD FOR YOU... so hard, but healing has to start from inside us and even though we have to reach out to someone who doesn't really deserve our forgiveness, its the only way we can let it go and stop it from destroying US... and for some reason forgiving others and asking God to bless them always seems to bring about something GOOD for them and for US too.. so I'm so proud of you for having the strength and the will to do this... I pray you will see amazing results and soon... hugs

Vasanthi.... thinking of you as always... hugs and hope and joy to you

Holding you in my heart Teresa. I will light a candle for Michael beside Daniel's tonight.

Vasanthi thank you for the beautiful prayer. Love to you and to everyone here

Vasanthi

Amen

Thank You...

I am sorry Teresa...it does seem so surreal...it will three years for me too...

Vasanthi, thank you for the lovely prayer. My thoughts are with you as your son's birthday approaches.

THANK YOU, I appreciate and love everyone of you!  I'm so grateful I found this site.  Because without you guys I don't know how I would have survived this. 

Never would have imagined I could bond so closely with people I don't know but now need.

Sending you all prayers for peace.Dolly you are so right about the forgiveness bit and it is probably one of the most difficult things to do .you are in my thoughts always too. Thank you Laura - Jesse's mom and all my friends here. Teresa we all have to go n somehow and we will. I am so grateful too that over the past 3 years I found solace here among my friends where I could share my innermost feelings and problems and got so much support. I will always need this support because when the going is really rough i know I am not alone. Love to you all here.

Jill - wise words from your boy. <3

Greetings to all, I have visited the site often but have been at lost for words.  I see there are many new members, unfortunately, since I have commented in this forum.

I am still mourning and grieving over the loss of my son since Oct 2009. It is great progress for me to be even able to mention that month and date of his transition. In the past, I couldn't even say "THAT DATE", let alone count the weeks, months, years that he has been gone. I still say that each sunrise and sunset, still painfully reminds me that that my son is gone but I am "LIVING' with better, instead of "DYING" with it slowly. The concept of him being gone still bewilders me at times but now, when I feel my anger rising and when my sadness overwhelms me until I feel like I can't stop crying, I remind myself that that state upsets my son's spirit/energy, it disrupts his peace and makes him feel bad, that usually helps calm me and trust me, that's only been very recent. Some days when I'm drifting into my darkness and pain, I ask my son to forgive me for upsetting him and ask him to try to understand that I am a mom, HIS mom and that I will ALWAYS be his mom and that I still yearn for his physical presence, so forgive my weeping.  I decided to join in today with the encouragement of a loved one, I just wanted to share and offer my love to all in this INVOLUNTRY "club", my hearts hurts with yours.

Hi Karen, thank you for your post.  It's funny you mention the date, my year is next month and I CANNOT say the date, the worse day of my life. These days leading up to it are sickening, I just keep rehashing every minute, every "what if" and why didn't I do something more to help him. How can they possibly be gone. I want him so much, to see him, to see him smiling, walking, asking me to make him a quesadilla, anything.  Yes it is the Physical presense that is so missing. The sadness the last couple weeks is so bad and so hard I don't know how I can even make it through this but I guess I am.

Jill, I just cannot believe how cruel your daughter in law is towards you. You are better off without her and you tried to be the better person.

Hugs and some peace to all of us. x0

Hey Sandy, sorry for your pain, sorry for all of us. That's why I couldn't post or comment in this group for so long because I started feeling like being active in this GROUP only added to my many cruel reminders that my son was gone but in fact, truth be told, this group/family actually saved my sanity, if not my life! This has been the only place where my thoughts and feelings have been validated  and I haven't been judged or criticized.  Everyone here, gets "IT".

Ditto Karen. 

JILL E could I possibly share what your son said on my facebook page..?

lately I have been worse than any time since Brandon died.. furious all the time and filled up with this pent up feeling of having had it and no end in sight ... I can't believe the mess this country and this world is in.. and its worse all the time... and mostly I don't even CARE because maybe it will all just blow up and we will all go to be together again with those who have already gone... or just die... either way... I'm close to being suicidal... not close enough to carry it out.. but too close ... but I'll get over it.. yesterday was a day from hell for sure... another Thursday so I shouldn't be surprised.. I'm just so sick of feeling like life is over and all that's left are memories and pain... but that's how it feels so much of the time.. I know I have to hold on to my blessings.. I do have wonderful blessings.. my son Bo is still here and seems to be doing OK.. my  husband is still in remission... both those things I am exceedingly grateful for... but it still doesn't heal the gaping wound in my heart... and the rest of my family all either have their heads in the sand about what is going on in the world, or outright are hateful about any view but their own... this community just went totally bonkers over a little boy who was injured on the football field... which I am happy to see for his sake..... collecting money for his parents who are having to stay in motels near the rehab hospital in Philly PA... rallys of prayer... much like they did when another young man here was put into a coma from a wreck he and his friends were in.. the year Brandon died.. but never has anyone done anything like that for either of my guys even though they have been in and out of hospitals in grave condition over the years... for some reason my guys are invisible at best around here and it makes me mad... I'm not saying I'm not glad that they support these others.. just mad because they never seem to even think about what my guys have gone through and that Bo continues to go through living a life where he can't even roll over by himself and is trapped inside a body with a wonderful mind that can barely let itself be known... I'm just so MAD at everything lately.... I so need to find some way to let go and find some peace somehow.. but it only seems to get worse every day... this is the only place I have ever found where I can scream and yell my heart out and not get crushed ... what would I do without you all? but I wish none of you had to be here ever...

I'm sorry you are so down Dolly. I understand the anger about how folks weren't really there for my son when he was suffering with his Crohn's disease, in and out of the hospital all the time and 2 bouts of pancreatitis, which is so horrible and keep him in the hospital for 3 weeks each time with nothing by mouth - a tube feeding him. Not once did any of my family members come out to help me. I know they are far away on the east coast and it's expensive but we could have helped. Just nothing. And no visits since he passed. My sister doesn't like to see me sad. I have to bury my reality whenever I see them. Of course I make the effort to go to see them. I can't deal with all of Daniel's things in his room by myself. It is too hard. A little at a time. But I have asked her for help and she says she'll come but make no offer. I guess I ave to specifically ask and you all know how hard it is to make plans. So, it's easy for folks to think that when someone is sick all the time, or disabled like your Bo, that we've got our life handled, it's normal for us, like we don't need help. It's sad and I am sorry for your pain.

Jill that is a gift.  Josh is talking to you.

Dolly, you are so ever right not enough attention is given to kids with disabilities or their caretakers.  Brandon lived a beautiful life because of you and your husband.  You can tell by the smile on his face he was happy with his life.  Everyday when I walk into a school I walk in with Brandon on my shoulders.  Brandon loves you and he will forever dance in the trees. 

Just made it through year 3.....this year was hard because I was looking at the reality, but I made it.  I made it to the other side of that date.  I don't want to be in this place anymore, just don't know how to move it forward. 

It's so exhausting.  Putting on the fake face, pretending to be okay, dealing with holidays, dealing with his birthday and his leaving date, missing his future, trying to explain my grief to friends and family....and on and on....I'm just so exhausted!

I'm with you Teresa - EXHAUSTED from it all

Time has become so funny.  When it comes to Michael it hasn't moved at all, yet I see everything and everyone around me moving forward so fast. 

It's also crazy because no matter where I go or what I do I can't seem to escape this, not just for a second. 

I don't want to be this sad forever, I don't want to be in this place I find myself in.  I'm not choosing to be this way. 

I admit I get great support from family and friends but they still don't get it and I'm just getting exhausted trying to explain myself to them.

Trying to explain why only now I'm facing my reality is exhausting me too. 

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 2 months. I tried to fight it, I tried to stay in the moment but nothing I did worked my emotions took over.  Now I'm settling back down but I know with holiday months coming I have to get ready for the ride again. 

I'm just rambling today.  So much is running through my head.  If I could have one wish it would be for just one conversation with Michael. 

I now know I will never see him again, well at least until it's my turn then I expect him to come for me.  I never thought I'd have to say such a thing.

Today I have hugs for everyone.  I know we fight and struggle to make it through each day.  And I know even though we all have each other each one of us feels very alone. 

Teresa, I agree, I don't want to feel like this forever but I don't know how to change it.  11 months this Sunday and I am doing bad, this last week has been so hard.  I feel no hope, only sorrow, I want my Randy, I want to see him.  I miss him so much.  This is so fucked up and so unfair.  Why did he choose drugs? I don't understand, I keep doing the "what if" and I keep blaming myself for not helping him enough even though I know he chose it. My mind won't stop, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying.  How are we suppose to live like this?

I don't have any support but all of you, friends don't understand they just act like everything is normal. Ha what a damn joke, nothing will ever be normal again, ever. Some days I try to be strong but the last few days I can't even try, I feel defeated. Yes everyday is a struggle and I also am so very very tired. The first fall without him, this really sucks.

Thanks for being there.  Hugs

It will be 3 years since Jesse was killed...it seems like I live in a time warp...like there should not be this time that exists between then and now...it seems like yesterday and yet it seems like it has been too long since I seen him and heard his voice. We have one more court date, the sentencing...what do you say to someone who totally destroyed your life, killed your most beloved child and gave him a horrible death...I am struggling with the victim statement since there are no words that can really express this hell that has been inflicted on us all...and I really do not think she is the kind of person who is going to get it...she has no moral compass and its all about how she can get on with her life.

Teresa, just noticed your post now...maybe this is something that happens about this many months out? The surrealness of time passing....

Teresa - I could have written that post myself. our concept of time is so warped because the love never stops or marks time.... I am trying to make travel plans for Christmas to see my family on the east coast. Daniel passed Dec.1 I hate December and i can't help but feel sick the entire holiday season. The anxiety has already started. They really don't get it and as more time passes they think I should be "getting over it" and moving on. We all know that is impossible. I just want to throw up but I have to go get my haircut (terribly neglected) and put on my mask. I just want to crawl into bed and hope to dream of daniel... like sandy said reality really sucks!!!!!

Connie I wish I could tell you not torture yourself but after just going through it I know it's easier said than done.

Sandy this is our new normal.

Laurie, I can't imagine what it is like for you to have to write that statement.

HUGS! 

yes JILL I agree... I am so exhausted with it all words just spin around in my brain.. then I see something posted in here.. like what Teresa has been saying and it being echoed by others and I know that if I could get the words together too they would pretty much be exactly the same... then there is all the mess going on in this country which is enough to make me want to leave the world even more... whatever are we DOING ??? selling baby parts now?? what next?? and bringing in 'refugees' that are sworn to hate us all and giving them places to live where they can run things by their own laws.. including raping children and beating and killing women... It makes me feel like I'm in a nightmare on top of the nightmare I'm already in

These days are harder I think, when they've all been hard that seems like a stupid statement.  I'm crying in the car again, playing the "what if" game...why didn't I do something? I knew he was doing drugs again and I would ask and he would lie, I should have done something. I feel so alone and empty and sad. I just want to be home alone, not at work with normal happy people with normal happy lives. I love Halloween, always decorated, last year I had already decorated when I lost Randy. It seems to stupid now, I got the stuff out but why should I even bother. If I don't do it I feel like I'm giving up, like I should do it just for me but half of me is saying "why". I look tired, I am tired, my friggin brain won't stop.  I feel so sick and I miss him so much. How are we supposed to live like this feeling like this every minute of every day.

Sandy

I ask myself that same question, each and every day.

I ask God that same question, many times a day.

This is not a life.

Not like this.

I think we all torture ourselves with the "what if".

I think if anyone one of us had the knowledge and thought there was something we could have done to stop this outcome we would have done it.

If I knew and I could have, I would have climbed through that phone line that day. 

But just like you Sandy I asked myself over and over.. Why didn't I hear something in his voice? Was he trying to call me back?

Jill rambling is good, because it does help you process this even though it feels like a storm in your head. 

Dolly, I get what your saying.  When you give birth you start to see the world and things differently and then when you lose a child I think again you start to see the world differently.

After you lose something so precious and you see people not valuing life at all around you it just makes you feel sick.

Sandy I'm also like you, I haven't decorated or participated in holidays too much myself.  Being 3 years in I know they will never be what they were, now I just wait and see what new shape they take.

Like for Christmas, there is a tree outside that I think I will decorate for Michael this year. I say it now but we'll see if I can actually do it.

This is a very hard and exhausting journey. 

You may not feel your moving in this, but in time you will. 

Sending HUGS to everyone today. 

I agree I think rambling is good and if we rehash the same ideas and same things over and over I feel it helps us all.  I asked Randy the Sunday night prior if he was using and he said no.  I asked his dad that he lived with if he was and he said "I don't think so" friggin idiot.  I want to scream at him and ask why didn't he do something? Why didn't he pay attention but I wont cus he probably is thinking it himself and I was at fault too but ultimately through drugs and even alcohol they had to want to stop.  We couldn't make them as much as we wanted to make them.  I think that is the hardest thing, we want to think we could "fix" everything and make everything ok for our babies but these things were out of control and that's really hard. 

I did decorate last year, it's hard but I will again this year. Whats really hard is last year in October I had bought Randy Christmas presents and they were at my office. 

I shop online now and I want to buy him shirts and shoes and I see things he would like and that hurts so much. I'd like to dig a hole and crawl in it and not see anything or anybody or any school kids or any teenager riding a skateboard.  It all makes me so angry and upset. And I am mad at Randy, I love him so and I miss him so but he chose that and why would you choose that shit.  I can never never never understand.

Yes very hard and exhausting, I can't sleep at night, even when I take sleeping pills.  Thanks for listening (reading) my rambling.  Some days we just have too.

Hugs and peace (a little)

Hugs Sandy. Every skinny teenage boy I see on a skateboard feels at first for a split second excitement that I see him (in some crazy place in my head) but then just tears my heart out....I decorate minimally now and sit outside for the kids. We used to have an annual Halloween party - it was always the best. How I want my boy back. Been crying all day. Some days I feel like i'm crazy and just can't function - but have to. Though I have accepted this reality I still can believe it happened. You know?

Connie

Yes, I know.........

I do nothing for any holiday.

I stopped the day Danielle left.

There is no life without Danielle.

That is the only thing I have learned to accept.

Each and every day is so painful that I wish tomorrow would never come.

Jane btw I haven't forgotten - I will send you the lyrics soon!

I know exactly what you mean Connie, you see the person and your heart stops and you take a second look, it's so weird isn't it? Are we just praying and hoping that it will be them? I saw a teenager in the grocery store one day that looked so much like Randy I just cried in the store and all afternoon after it.  I guess its cus we want them so damn much. I still cant believe it either, I am punishing myself I didn't see him all last September cus he was having so much drama and I knew he was taking pills or doing something, damn I wish I could have that chance again. I'm crying every day again now too.  Connie, can you send us another song or show us on youtube.  Your voice is so amazing.

Hugs

yes - another chance please....

Today my tears and prayers are for those families in Oregon.

As our mine, I don't understand why these guys have to kill strangers.  It makes me so upset, I am hearbroken for these families and for the family of the guy who did it, they have a double whammy there.  I've been praying for the families, those victims did not deserve to be shot by some crazy guy. Very very sad