Connie, your song is BEAUTIFUL!  THANK YOU  for sharing it. 

Thank you so much Teresa and Sandy. 

The hint if autumn always makes me sadder. It was Daniel's favorite season - he loved to wear his favorite jacket.

Hugs to everyone today.

wow connie.. I can't wait to try to play along with your songs here at my house and on the mountain... are they on itunes yet? wow...

As usual I have been thinking of you all but I have not been on for awhile.  I have been moved to a different phase it seems and I am trying to adjust or wait for it to end.  I use to write, work on pictures, videos and other things to keep myself busy and feeling connected to my son but suddenly I just feel empty.  I think it's almost worse than feeling the pain.  I can't really explain it.  If it wasn't for our 2 youngest grandchildren I can't imagine where I would be because they make me be somewhat focused when they are around.

Connie, thank you for sharing your song, which is our song in our hearts.  You and Daniel did a beautiful job putting it together.

Blessings of peace & hugs to all. 

Ammy - I understand. Sometimes I feel I should be doing so many things. I am humbled by those who create foundations, keep them going, write books, etc. Just finishing that song took 2 years. Sometimes I feel that same emptiness you speak of. Empty of motivation, empty of what words to say, empty because my son filled me up. But Ammy you are there for your grandchildren and that is huge. There just so much energy we can expend on trying to make our reality different than it is I think and then it's too much - at least for a while. Thnak you for  your kind words about Whispers of the Angels.

Thank you also Dolly - it would be great to meet someday and play music together.  ((( )))

Sharon those days .. just awful... sorry... hugs

I think I'm in the anger stage now because I am so easily provoked and seem to just look for something to glom on to to crab about... I hate myself when I'm like that... hope I can get over it soon.... I'm beginning to think those stages are so general they don't really help me.. maybe somebody... I'm just stuck in a stage of terror

Connie Daniel's song touched us all.  Again, thank you for sharing it.  I'm sure the process was an emotional one, but the outcome is so beautiful.

Thank you Jill and teresa. Sharon, and RJ, I wish I could tell you it gets easier. Oh how I wish I could. Dolly you know - sometime you g through all of those "stages" in one day!!! I know you've heard it all before - you just learn ways to handle it better. Everyone has to do that in their own way and their own time. Meditation helps me. I have to really make an effort to get out of my house and go to a peaceful place. For me it my ashrama. It can be a favorite place in the park. Somewhere to try to somehow put your focus on how you can change your thought direction. I find gardening at the ashrama takes me out of myself for awhile I think finding a way to give service helps us give meaning to our broken lives. I don't know, each day is a struggle and right now all you can do is take it one day at a time. There is a free 21 day meditation online by Deepok Choprah (sp?) and Oprah that is easy to do for 20 minutes a day and it sometimes calms me down and helps me refocus. When you are stuck in a reality that we can not change all we can do is try to make it more bearable. I do understand those days that feel like you just can't do it one more day. RJ I am not working right now except part time in my home as a graphic designer and singing here and there. I actually don't know if I could go to work everyday and function. It is a catch 22 - I feel like I would do better if I had a full time job, but I still need time to grieve and I feel like when I go back to work it has to be something meaningful. My expectations of myself have changed and trying to find the enthusiasm to get out there and find a new job just seems to be too much for me!!!! So cudos to all of you who do that, even if you have to take time off sometimes. 

I know how hard it is, especially on those days. My day is Saturday.

My heart is with everyone. Love and hope to you all.  

ccoryallen - what an ass!

ccoryallen is gone thank goodness! So creepy. Hugs to you RJ. It is such a hard path we walk. this weekend marks the anniversary of losing my baby girl Emily Rose at 5 months into the pregnancy. I had to wait trough the Labor Day weekend for the treatment the doc recommended after they determined that the baby had died. Otherwise they would have had to induce labor and that takes about 48 hrs or so to birth a non living baby. I can't even find the right words to describe it. I wrote a poem that weekend.  You are the only ones who will understand. It's just too sad for those who have not experienced it. The following spring I lost another at 3 months pregnant. We never had a sibling for Daniel. Secondary infertility they call it.... I just cannot understand why all my children had to die. Here's my poem if I may share it:

My only relief

Is in my sleep

But I'll wake up tomorrow

With gut wrenching sorrow

My body is a tomb

Thanks for being here. Prayers and love to everyone

I reported them as soon as I got your email but someone else must have reported him earlier than I did because I don't think the reports ever get answered that fast.. but who knows ...there's been so much spamming on here lately that maybe the monitor is on high alert... what a shame she whould have to do that.. what is WRONG with people

I'm having panic attacks almost daily now... its been years since I had them before and now all of a sudden they are starting up worse than I've ever had them....  what a nightmare we are living

I agree, it is a nightmare that keeps giving and giving. I am not doing well. Found our more about the girl who killed my son. That she might have seen him and decided to "beat" him across in her turn. This is what the DA now suspects. My son was so good, so kind to others, and had integrity from his heart. And this is how his life ends? I am really in a tailspin. I feel like I am swinging back and forth to one extreme to another. One thing is for certain, I will be glad when my life is done. Two children gone. My second son By the hand of a woman who never gave a shit about anyone but herself and has continually lied to save her own skin at my son's expense. I can only hope she gets the max sentence...

Dolly, I also had panic disorder, especially in my twenties. It has now returned full force and I have to take Lorazapam to control the attacks.

I'm not sure if I shared this poem. But had put it in a not. I didn't write it but it's how i feel today!

Don't tell me

by Joanetta Hendel
Bereavement Magazine

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

RJ, at 6 months my pain was so fresh and raw. I'm coming on 3 years and it is only recently that I truly started to understand this is my reality. 

The first year I tried to convince myself of whatever I could even though I knew it was wrong.  Every night I told myself I would wake up and this nightmare would be over and even though every morning I woke up disappointed I did it again each night. I also waited for someone to come up with some magic words that was going to make it all better.

The second year I just tried to wrap my brain around everything.  Michael being gone, myself changing, my responses changing, my relationships with other people changing and more.  I also reached a point I had to begin realizing this is my reality.

For the past year can I tell you it's really been any better?  Some things yes...I'm not running around in circles in the house searching for something and not remembering what that something was anymore.  But I'm still crying daily.

I had a moment a few weeks ago that I thought was a panic attack and maybe it was.  Now I'm feeling like it was more my "reality" moment. I'm no longer trying to negotiate with god to put Michael back now I'm just asking to see him in my dreams.

All I know is things certainly change since Michael left.  I know my heart is no less broken than it was 3 years ago but I'm handling it a little better today. 

You can see sadness on my face because it is so deep in my core but I'm fighting everyday to get to a place I can be happy again. 

This is a road you can't rush and you can't set up expectations because you will be disappointed. There are so many changes and so many things to adjust to that for me it is a process. 

I miss my Michael, I would give anything for him to be resting his arm on my head.  funny how the things that annoyed me the most are the things I miss the most.

Laurie.. does Lorazapam work better than Diazepam? Today is the first day in a week I haven't had a panic attack yet... is anyone else familiar with how one feels during the 'anger' stage? I'm asking because I am so impatient with everything and everyone lately and just want to snap their heads off for anything ... especially if they're being pissy or are putting me down for anything... if this goes on very long the very few people who ever pay any attention to me will be gone too... but you know I don't even care... they have never really been supportive even when I was trying always to be understanding and helpful...now I just don't care... I have nothing left for anyone who gives me even a bit of flack... its as if I just want to scream BACK OFF you A**hole.. and whack them one... but I don't but I sure feel like it... is this considered 'normal'? i feel like this all the time I swear

Dolly I know it's not funny but you made me laugh this morning. 

I am also going through anger.  Everybody and everything is pissing me off too.  Nobody can seem to do or say anything right to me right now.

September 14th it will be 3 years since my Michael left.  Every day I get closer I feel sicker and more angry.

My daughter is leaving again, this time she is off to Egypt.  I want to grab her ankles and beg her not to go but I also feel like just because I stopped living I can't ask her to stop living. times like this I miss my Michael even more.

Teresa I love that picture of you two... last week at the mountain we had another music session with heaven.. thunder at just the right moments... and lightning too this time... it helps me keep going... because I have no choice anyway so .. at least when I get these little 'hugs' from heaven I can close my eyes and listen and just sense the closeness... not enough.. but it is something at least... we sort of slid by Brandon's leaving day this year.. I think it was just too much and we just dumbed up in our minds and shut down... I used to love to get flowers for Brandon's little corner table but even that seems to be losing its ability to bring any light to our hearts... I dread the cold gray awfulness of winter coming... wish I could afford to go south for the worse months but every day we get poorer it seems... some days I want to just throw a mattress in the back of the van and take off for the south and whatever happens, happens.. but with Bo I can't do that for sure... and where would i go anyways

can't escape the pain anywhere anyway....

Teresa - that's a beautiful picture. <3

Dolly I think both Lorazepam and Diazepam are in the same drug family. Lorazepam tends to be faster acting while Diazepam is generally longer lasting. I think it may depend on your own body which drug would work better. I am taking them when the anxiety hits too  high as the trial is coming up on the 16th and 17th followed by Jesse's angelversary date on Oct 10.

Teresa, I very much agree with the three year time table you laid out. It was somewhere this past January I was starting to realize that maybe Jesse wasn't coming back. The first 7-9 months I spent much in bed rest from a complete mental breakdown....he and I were very much knit at the soul....

Now when I go out to the cemetery, it is strange to see our family plots there. Thinking, yes, one day I will be laid to rest there to. Last time there was again, another burial in the small country cemetery. Sometimes I feel this reminder like I "moved up in the line" from being here on this earth plane and am one step closer to him. ....

Our last pretrial date, we learned that the DA is now beginning to believe that the woman who ran over Jesse in his own lane actually saw him and try to "beat" him to complete her turn.

So to who posted about anger, yes, I definitely vascilate between many extremes, extreme anger being one of them. It is a tiring life.

Laurie, my thought and prayers will be with you next month. 

Yes laurie I will be with you in my heart. Our case was finally settled and didn't have to go to trial thank god. Something about it being over makes everything so final. It will be 3 years for me on Dec.1 I don;t think I will ever stop crying.

As next week gets closer I'm sleeping less, my emotions are all over the place and each day I feel sicker. Not sure where all the anger is coming from but I just want to beat the crap out of someone.

3 years and I still feel very lost without my Michael.

Michael mommy loves you and will always love you! I miss you so bad buddy!

Teresa

Your picture.

I can see the love in both your eyes.

It's soft and beautiful.

He loves you very much.

As the 14th approaches I think this year it is so much harder just because I now understand and know this is my reality.  My Michael is gone and never returning.  No negotiations! 

Ross I am so sorry for your loss. This first year and all the special dates you have to go through is so difficult. Sending you lots of love and prayers to get through it all

And to everyone else as well <3

Thank you Connie and Teresa for the kind words of support.

http://deeincollingo.com/

She writes very well.

She is a bereaved Mom.

Jane thank you for sharing that post.

Right now I'm in the rabbit hole digging deep.

Love you!