today I had the worse panic attack I've had since I can remember... I don't know why today... I never know why.... Oh wait its another Thursday.... dang... how can my heart know this when my mind doesn't even register it... will I always be getting smacked down on Thursdays now forever?  will it ever be any better... really?

Thank you ladies.  Connie HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS!

I don't know how we make sense of it. 

Dolly sometimes I think about the same thing. Are they in heaven pointing at us saying "Yea that one is my mom or dad" Silly right! 

Jill .. I think I can ALMOST see them NOW... or at least sense them... sometimes I think I can FEEL them smiling at us... I wonder if they advocate for us with God.. that would be amazing...I know some people will criticize me for thinking this way but I don't care.. they don't know... they don't see and feel what I do... they haven't been where I have been and am now... you guys get it.... if we are wrong to think they still live and see us then we are wrong but I don't think we are.. I think they are alive and we WILL be reunited... I can't think anything else or I will go kicking and screaming down the street...

Hey everybody.....Jill, I agree I don't know how we are suppose to get through this and I don't understand why we were chosen to endure this pain.  My day is Monday, it's awful, got the call at 5:30 a.m.  I start getting even more down every Sunday night.  Dolly that is a beautiful rainbow picture.  The last couple of weeks have been so hard, feeling a little better today, I agree my brain will not stop, if we could just take a break inside our own heads.

Connie, Pancho is beautiful I am so very happy that you got him.  Our new puppies are 5 months old and they don't replace our other dogs we lost, we still mourn them so much but the puppies help and are so full of love.

Hugs and a little peace to everybody today.

Thats what I did for a long time and still do for a good part of most days

Jill... not in bed but in the living room watching Project Runway, Beach Flip, Y&R, any old movie that's not too sad, America's Got Talent, House Hunters International, anything where I can sort of pretend I'm there and not here..that that is my life not this... I probably will keep falling into this as much as I can let myself.. at least for now... I have to stop thinking about reality for as much of the time as I can ... reality is too awful... not everything about reality is awful, but the awful parts are SO awful I  have to shove them away somehow..

HELP.. does anyone know how to report someone who is doing bad stuff in here? Somebody is posting really evil stuff in After Death Experiences... about casting death spells.. and in chat some person called Jonak is posting and reposting something suspicious.. how do we BLOCK them and REPORT THEM???

Everyday I say I can't do this yet everyday I hear Michael say, "But you are doing it mom".

Im totally overwhelmed..nothing helps... i feel drained and empty and like im pulling into a shell and everything around me is threatening and mean and i feel worthless and alone and furious and devastated and crazy

my nightmares are when I am awake... and I fear the next shock... who next... my dream dreams are convoluted and always a downer but so far not about the awful stuff you have had to deal with in your dreams... its so wrong and harsh... all I know to do is to try to rebuke the enemy... but I feel so totally powerless now ... never did feel powerful but now I feel totally lost and totally powerless and mostly always totally hopeless ... i try to fixate on my blessings.... but it doesn't keep the anxiety and the terror away for long.... maybe im really going crazy now...

After 2 years, 9 months

I am numb.

I feel nothing, what I do, I do like a robot.

The pain never stops, it is deep, it is cruel.

I retreat to aloneness as much as possible.

I miss her every second of every day.

Everything reminds me of Danielle.

She was my best friend.

She understood me, and I understood her.

We never left each other's side for the last seven years of her life.

There is no future left, just old age.

I am miserable.............

I feel for all of us here .Jane P,Denise it takes a lot of time to accept these awful 'facts'. I come here and read and don't know what can be said to make it 'better apart from the fact that with time the shock wears off and one is left to face a new reality. My son was 27 when he passed and come September on the 28th would have been 31. I cannot imagine the pain being less or more at any age of the children but for the moms and dads who lost them too early on I feel it must be the most godawful shock and unbearable pain. The only thing i can think of is that we come alone and go alone and in between have been blessed to know something about the most unconditional love that can exist between human beings. the relationship of parent and child lends itself easily to that type of love because just seeing them flourish and laugh brings so much of joy to the heart. sure there are trying times and sure we are not perfect by any stretch of imagination but so what , we loved with all our heart. Think that every soul has its own trajectory and while it seems so awful we can think that the lovely person we loved after all has their own destiny which and as we did when they were 'alive' so we shall when they are not , just continue loving and sending all the love to nurture and aid them be they wherever they be.

There are many days I keep busy and go out for weekends pursuing the study of 'vedanta' or any interest I have. The days when the feelings of loss and despair overtake me i am very scared because it casts such a pall of gloom that i know that I get critical and faultfinding of everything and try to control. Almost every afternoon I have feelings of deep anxiety and palpitations and almost anything can trigger it. What a lousy fallout of the 'death'. I don't know if I will get better  ever and I don't know if more and more negativeness will spring up all my life and if I will be fighting imagined demons all my life. all i know is that this is not me, this is not how my son would have wanted me either but like Dolly says its quite a helpless feeling. Yesterday as usual I went to the prayer room where I keep a nice smiling pic of my son. I felt how nonsensical that I am sitting and looking at a bloody pic, its so stupid and bad that this can happen. Then I said " sweetiepie if u r with me, someone will give me a flower today", and later forgot all about it. In the evening when my husband came home, I was up in the shower and came down and the first thing I see is a small full bloom red hibiscus kept in a small container with water. So I asked my husband where did this come from as sometimes if he goes out and sees some flower he gets it for me but today I knew that he didn't have any outside errands.

He said isn't it unusual , it fell off the hibiscus plant and that plant always has big flowers but this one was small and v cute. he said " it presented itself to me' as it was on the steps and he got it in for me. Normally I take some flowers from the plants before my morning prayer time or quiet time so I was not expecting him to get any in the evening. i remembered what I had 'talked' to my son about 'if u r with me someone will give me a flower' :) .... it helps to know we are heard isn't it ? So just love and continue sending all your love to our little sweetiepies :)... had painted a hibiscus a while ago ... will put it up now 

With all my love to all here 

Vasanthi

That was so beautiful, thank you.

Your words and your painting.

Very warm................

So wonderful to hear from you Vasanthi. Beautiful picture and beautiful heart as always....

Denise, so sorry for your loss. I lost my son in February. I think the same thing everyday... how can I go on without him. Will I ever be happy again?  If we could only go back to happier times....

Vasanthi.... I do believe that your son heard you and sent you that flower.  How  beautiful the painting of the hibiscus is beautiful!

Sharon

Troys mom

Hello everyone

It has been 2 years and 8 months since I lost my Daniel. As many of you know I have received many messages from my son. I have had several readings with mediums, including Theresa Caputo, whom you may know as the Long Island Medium. I believe his spirit lives on. I believe that there we are all part of a greater consciousness (whatever you want to call it). I struggle daily with the loss and grief and it seems even harder now. But if I didn't have faith that he is okay and that he is experiencing amazing things, I don't think I could go on. Whenever I am in my darkest hour I hear him say" Please don't cry for me, I'm really good. I don't want you to suffer" I hear this over and over again. I know he wnats me to be able to embrace life once again. The way I am trying to do that is to get back to my songwrting. A few months after he passed, this song came to me but I didn't finish it until this summer. I feel like he write every word and note with me. I can now share it with you on this link. Soon I will have a YouTube post but wanted to share it with all of you here. You are the ones who will relate the most. I hope that in small way it is uplifting for you.

Here's the link if you'd like to hear it.

Whispers of the Angels

Connie

Beautiful!!!

I really mean that, so beautiful.

Thank You

Connie, that was beautiful...even if I am crying.

Connie that zong is so beautiful....the song celestial....the tears keep flowing

Connie,

LOVED the song. So beautiful.

Can't stop crying.

Sharon

Thank you so much my friends. It was hard for me to finish it and sing it too.  I was almost afraid to out it out there so I appreciate all of your kind words. Much love and hope to everyone.

What a beautiful voice you have. Your Daniel would  be so proud of you.

Sharon

Jill - I love that about the passenger seat. I'm sure your Josh is with you and that's awesome!

Jill, Sharon, Vasanthi, Jane, Rj and Laurie - thank you for your kind words about my song. I so appreciate it  - It does my heart good to here that in some way, it touched you all. I know Daniel was smiling from ear to ear. I sure miss that sweet smile. God I'm missing him so much...just want him back.... <3

thank you so much RJ. When I finish the YouTube video (which will feature my son doing his "light show" with the light gloves) you will be able to see a few other videos of me singing with various bands I have been with over the years. Hope to write more now if I can. It's finishing them that I have a problem with!