Sharon I admit it, I look for Michael.

Next month it will be 3 years since Michael left. To me it feels like no time has passed, yet I see everyone else moving forward.

The first year I swore I would just die.

The second year felt even harder because reality started to set in.

This year I am now accepting my reality.

I still cry everyday, but now it feels normal to cry.

Fighting every day to live for those who love me.

I learned to wear the fake face but sometimes it feels too tight and cracks.

I'm still learning how to answer some questions: Where is Michael? How many kids do you have? What happened? etc...

I'm learning to "manage it" but my heart still cries for my son.

Jill, I'm at 9 months and I agree it is getting harder, I am so down and so sad.  I feel myself withdrawing from everybody and everything. I just want Randy, I can't believe this is happening and it hurts so damn much.  I feel so alone.  I am so sorry you moved to be near your other son and now he's moving!! Damn! WE are moving to AZ next year and I can't wait, it's way way too hard to be here where Randy grew up and see everything everywhere that reminds me of him. When I leave work every day, I pass by his preschool on one corner and the place he went to rehab on the other corner.  It's completely unbearable. How are we suppose to live like this? I've told 2 people at work that I am sad this week and they have said - WHY? REALLY? I want to scream them at them, I want to scream at somebody!! Uggg I have been crying more and more.  Hugs to all of us x0

Teresa, agree with everything you wrote approaching year 3. I too search for my son in crowds....when a young man looks like him from the backside my heart just stops...just for a millisecond I want to believe it is him...guess the year of magical thinking has lasted longer for me

There is a teenager on a commercial that from one angle looks EXACTLY like my son, from the clothes he's wearing to his haircut. It gave me chills. I actually stopped the tv and took a picture of it. Oh if only....my heart is longing for the life we once had....my life is so empty without him.

two more amazing things happened .. a week ago we were on the mountain playing music and I noticed a brilliant swatch of rainbow shining on the wall of the kitchen next to where we were playing.. I traced it to a crystal in the kitchen window over the sink.. the colors were exquisite and some of you know about my history of seeing rainbows after Brandon died.. two FIRE rainbows which I didn't even know existed before I saw TWO on two different occasions the year after Brandon died... I know the kitchen rainbow was the sun shining through the crystal.. BUT that crystal has been lying in that window for probably 30 years and I have NEVER seen a rainbow like this one come through it.. in fact I don't remember ANY rainbows coming from it once it fell from the string it was hanging from... before that when it was hanging, it would send little bits of swirling rainbows around but never anything like this last time... it made me think again of Brandon being there for the music...or IN the music... with all of heaven.... singing an dancing in the trees, sending us rainbows.... does it help? I think it does... I do..

the other amazing thing happened a few days later when we were back up on the mountain again .. right at the spot where I saw the mama deer and her fawn a few months ago I saw something flit by ... I looked out the door and there were at least FOUR red crested woodpeckers sitting on logs and/or the ground eating I guess... I have only seen ONE woodpecker in all the years we have owned this place and THAT was also after Brandon died... this time they even sat and preened and cleaned each other off ... let us take many flash pictures of them.. but they were bad pics because we didn't dare open the door and had to shoot through the screen... I will put one in here if any come out ok after I fix them up some... what a sight it was... just amazing things have happened around us since Brandon died... I feel like God is telling us that Brandon is all around us always in some way.... and sends these creatures and wonders to remind us of the power God has and the eternal LIFE we all have....

4 long years since I lost Danny. I am still grieving deeply, church today was like picking a sore. I miss and love you so much.

I you would like to know Danny, take a look at his Youtube video, https://youtu.be/WmfvoVTives or search for "My Buddy XOXO".

Thanks for listening to my grief.

What really hurts is that I have no current pictures of Danny, all four years old. :(

Danny if you see this you have a nephew named after you.

RJ,

I am sorry for your loss as well, I feel I can say I know what 

you are going through. Danny was 27 as well; almost 28. He would have been 32 now. Friday is the day of his passing and we will have a morning vigil with the Pastor and then go to visit him and freshen flowers.

My oldest son is in the Navy, career man. We visited him and the family in San Diego last month. He voiced his idea of retiring in Florida and not in Texas with us. He invited us to join him there, but my wife popped up what about Danny? Very complicated.....

I find myself pulling away from most people

Dick, Danny lived life to the fullest.  What a beautiful son!

Dolly Brandon will continue to send you gifts.  He wants you to know he is dancing in the trees

Thanks Teresa... I was just reading a book about what they refer to as 'thin places' where heaven and earth seem to overlap... I think we can find those thin places too... or at least look for them..expect them... there are so many things that have happened.. we should really write our own book.. all of us in here.. we could each do a chapter on our child... all about them when they were with us here on earth, but also how they continue to be with us now that they aren't here on earth any more... one step in heaven would be a good title maybe

What sad day! 4 years without Danny :( <cry> Rest in peace my son.

HUGS Dick! Danny loves you!

Ive been spiraling down into depression again... feeling just hopeless and lonely through and through... just when I think I'm going to feel better I feel worse again... anyone heard from Vasanthi lately? Since I saw her in MA I haven't heard much of anything from her.

RJ I just can't fool myself into thinking I'm better anymore... I'm just not getting better... I am trying but everything just seems like just too much .. I can't even think of anything I want to do or eat... I find myself hiding from everyone ... its so the pitts....

I suppose if you love intensely, you grieve intensely. All, I am at 4 years and still grieving, I guess some scar tissue has formed. Unfortunately you never fully recover. I am sorry for the truth. 

Dick, I agree. I will be at a full three years this October and moving forward. It in some ways has gotten "softer", but my life will never never be "right" again....I still have many bad dreams in which I totally recognize that my son is gone from me,...then I wake up and tell myself "This is not my life"...

I also had an infant son loss, his angelversary date is around now...

...I have noticed some bereaved parents seem to get their footing, and I am glad for them...I just don't think it will be me...ever...

i just want by baby

Me too, Dolly.

xxoo

Hello to all my friends here. July and August are hard for me. Kyra 's birthday in July and her death on August. Today it is two years since she died and I last saw her. I miss her so everyday and time moves on so quickly I am happy my other daughter decided to stay in Vermont and not to go back to Montana. She is only an hour and a half drive away now. The young man she is seeing lost his older brother in a car accident a month before Kyra died. I am sure they are a positive support for each other. I will meet his mother later this month and our family's might do Christmas together this year. On the 25th they are dedicating an outdoor classroom in Kyra's name for the farm to school program at the middle school she went to and where I was a teacher. We Have been fundraising in memory of her devotion to farming and organic produce affordable to all. I have been spending many hours on my own garden as well as working in other peoples. More than the money it brings me peace and comfort. Love and prayers to everyone here. Lynn

Lynn, you are in my thoughts and prayers today. That is wonderful news about the outdoor classroom. I am sure she is smiling down on that! Much love to you today my friend. Love Connie

The day Michael left he told me he was ready for a family of his own. Obviously that didn't happen.

My daughter has medical challenges preventing pregnancy.

Last week she had a tubal pregnancy that had to be terminated. 

Even though we knew there was a greater chance or this than not, I still feel like this was a great loss.

Now I wonder if Michael has our baby. 

And ladies...me four

having lost two grand daughters to deaths in the womb I understand the great loss losing the baby is Teresa... many people seem to think because the baby didn't make it to be born that its easier but to me it was devastating .. I spent the better part of that first year after Isabella died on a grief net and composing sad poetry to her.. when Lulu died two years later while I was visiting my son and his wife and second daughter [who was having surgery] I couldn't believe it had happened again... two little girls gone... I'm so sorry for all of you who are missing your babies and grandbabies... I know life is precious and i try to enjoy what's left here.. but I feel like a really big part of me isn't here anymore... I daydream [not exactly daydream.. but something like it] about those who aren't here with me anymore and many times feel like I'm closer to being WITH them than ever before in my life... I have stopped expecting so many 'signs' from Brandon, but still very often something happens that is just too out of the ordinary to be a coincidence.. especially the aroma of lilies... so often and in so many unlikely places... my heart just aches for my boy and I know you all know exactly what I mean... hugs to you all..

Teresa- I am so so, sorry for the loss of your grand baby for you and your family. I understand all too well. I also suffered a tubal pregnancy that left me with only one viable tube.  I was surprised to learn that we all have a "dominant" ovary as well, just like other parts of our body, and I would only ovulate on that good side eve 6 months. I hope your daughter was able to save her tube. After 5 years and fertility treatment we finally conceived my precious Daniel. After Daniel came along, I suffered 2 other miscarriages, one quite far along. It was all devastating. Why do all my children die? Why do any of our precious babies die? It is just so hard to live with. Just so damn hard. Love and prayers to everyone

Connie.. and Teresa.. and everyone.. I wonder what all our babies do in heaven.. I wonder do they know each other? Play and sing and dance together?  I hope so..

I'm sure they do amazing things <3

W just adopted a new doggie 10 days ago. We lost our son's dog on Mother's Day and the house has been so so quiet and even sadder. He has definitely brought some opening heart energy into our home!Meet Pancho. He had been hit by a car and had hip surgery. He looked like he had been through so much and so have we. It's been a perfect match even though he has issues to deal with. He was a rescue from Mexico so we named him Pancho