I wanted to thank everyone for the birthday wishes.. I just now saw them because I had trouble getting into my places on the internet when I was away from home and had to use another computer.. it just gave me such a fit to get into any sites.. but now I'm home and I thank you so much for remembering me and Bo... my grandson spend a bunch of time playing with Bo and his toys when Bo was resting in bed.. he has to change positions from his wheelchair to his bed and back several times a day and tends to get bored unless someone plays with him when he is in bed.. one of the things my grandson did was take selfies of them both.. I'm attaching one... my granddaughter also spent time with Bo and made him a special Red Sox blanket.. both kids watched TV shows they don't usually watch .. ones that Bo loves.. it was a wonderful time for Bo... my oldest son played Brandon's favorite radio station for him too... the one that Brandon shared with him over the radio in South Carolina the morning my son went to pick up Brandon's ashes... a jazz station out of the university... so like Brandon... we all miss him horribly but we KNOW he is alive and well and happy somewhere 'out there' .. and he keeps letting us know it... or God does.. no matter what or who is letting us know that all is well with Brandon it makes no difference to me.. I just feel like we are all a little bit in heaven now ... because a little bit of heaven is melting into our lives every day... more and more and more until the day we go there TOO... what a happy day that will be when we are ALL THERE TOGETHER again... we miss you sweet Brandon

also I had the special treat of meeting one of my online friends face to face while at my oldest son's house in MA.. we had a precious time sharing with each other... I only wish we lived closer together... if only..

Do that Dolly. These signs are real and it's time we give the them their do respect. Believe and accept that our children live on. It sucks that they are not here but they still live on somewhere, and someday we will be reunited. Until then, these signs are are "mail" from them. I have  had so many messages from my son. How can I ever  pretend they aren't real when they are the only thing that makes me feel like ANYTHING is real?

 Soon I will  be able to post my song that I feel was guided by my son and  I feel like it is something I can still do something with him. These signs are real. They are all that is real to me anymore. It is so hard to live in the world as it was.

I had a very interesting experience with feathers recently. When I was at my retreat, we went for a hike in the Sequoia National Forest. i found a feather as we walked and I heard a message that said "This is Laurie's feather" She was our guide. I said "here Laurie - this feather is for you" She told me later that this exact feather had been given to her the week before on the same hike and she had lost it. Her mother had passed 3 year ago and this was her sign that her mother was watching over her. She said"You know about my thing with feathers right?" No. I didn't. But I heard that this feather was for her - not me. I went on to hear the lyrics to my song ... now the wind is blowin' like whispers of the angels.... and was able to finish my song. I will post it soon but I am so tangled up in this grief I can hardly deal with any of this..... You, my friends are the only ones who will truly get it. Listen closely, pay attention to all of those signs that you may think "that's weird". It's not weird. It is truth. Hugs to you all.

Connie, I am so happy for you that your song is coming together.  Maybe you needed that retreat to finish.

Wishing/hoping everyone's week is a little gentler and kinder.  Hugs.

Dolly, I feel happiness in your message and that is so good.  I am so happy you had a good visit this year and your grandson is adorable.

September it will be 3 years.  I never experienced a panic attack until this past week. I experience 2 of them.  Didn't know what was happening until I mentioned it to a good friend who recognized it.

It was a little scary. One of them I had to pull to the side of the road and let it pass.  So much is changing.  I never thought that would be something I would experience.

I'm trying to "stay in the day" and not focus so much on September but it is really hard.  My mind just can't wrap around that I have been living without my Michael this long. 

I have been telling myself day after day "I can't do this" but day after day I do it. 

THIS SUCKS!

Happy birthday my beautiful girl... wish you were here to have a coffee with me.... you would have been 24 today xxxxxxxxx

Can stop crying today ....man life sucks .... please pray for me cause I think death would be much better than life ...... the further away she is more of the reality sets in and I don't want it ... I dont want her to be in the past I want her to be "here and now"

I can't wait to hear the song Connie.... we can sing and play it along with heaven.. I really believe that... so many times music has been the sign between Brandon and us since he died.. in so many different ways.. its like music is a bridge between us on some plane we don't really understand and that many not only deny but scoff at... let them deny it and scoff.. it is real... and I think there are other connections between life in heaven and life here.... like light... things that involve light and electrical things.. some how the energy between the different realms can connect in ways science has no proof of as far as we know.. but science is ever evolving, and ever discovering new 'truths' so just because it isn't something commonly accepted or already 'proven' by science, doesn't mean it isn't real and doesn't exist... I hold on tight to every bit of evidence that my son lives on someplace where I will join him one day... God willing... and even for those who don't believe in God, I believe truth will show us all the way to the ultimate Truth one day... whatever we call it or think it is.. we will find it and our loved ones will be there...

the pain doesn't go away... but somehow now I feel closer to Brandon than at first... some new kind of closeness that goes beyond any words I can find... maybe its a spiritual closeness... its tangible in an intangible way if that makes any sense... its something I can't physically feel but I can feel in a more total completeness unlike anything else I ever felt... its a closeness or a presence I have only felt with those I love who have died, and has been most obvious and pervasive with Brandon...  it goes beyond 'signs'.. its an ever present kind of thing... it gets stronger... but there are always those days and parts of every day that swoop in on me with that overwhelming reality that the physical presence of my beloved ones will never be again in this world... and it always tears me apart

Went and got my hair done today ..something nice todo on her birthday.   Just want to shut my eyes and drift away for awhile...just don't  want to think about things.

Was so busy these last couple of days that I almost forgot that it was the 22nd .....that really upset me to think I could have let it just slip by.

Soo sad today

the months after Brandon died I was not here in this world... I was just lost... the world didn't even LOOK real to me... it didn't SOUND right... it was all just PAIN and even my body fell apart around me... people didn't look real... they sounded like they were fake people almost flat people... and what they said didn't make sense and I didn't want to see them or hear them because THEIR lives were the same as always and MINE was a HORROR that would never end it seemed.... I feel your raw pain... I share it... but something is happening to me.. its been a little over two years now... and slowly something has in some way started to lift off me... and I can see and feel myself close to Brandon in a new way and although it can't replace HIM in my arms and put his smiling face back into my physical world, it is making me know he is still HERE and is still a part of my existance.. not all the time, not every day, not every night.. but glimpses and assurances that just keep happening and happening with no attempts by me to make them happen.. our children are still with us... in a new way.. a permanent bond that is never broken.. we will see them again and we will be together... for now we can only hold on to this new way of 'knowing' them... let it grow.. let our sense of heaven grow and become more and more a part of US as it is now their true home... and one day will be ours TOO and NO separation of ANY kind will exist EVER AGAIN...

Sharon Robertson - Happy Birthday in heaven to your beautiful daughter. I know how hard these days are. Teresa D - I have those panic attacks sometimes. I think Sometimes that the reality of going on and on without them just comes to the surface and it too painful for us emotional and physically. Once in a while i will take 1/4 of a xanax just to get through anxiety producing situations. I don't take antidepressants or anything except my Lunesta because if i don't sleep, I simply can not function. Meditation helps and deep breathing to curb an attack. I have had breast MRI's for10 years since my battle with cancer. This year they had to stop during the test because I started getting so anxious. If any sad thoughts start coming in, I feel like i am going to explode and start crying. You can't move in an MRI. I remained in the machine and asked them to give me a few minutes. Fortunately I was able to do a meditation that calmed me down enough to get through the rest of the test (It is quite long - almost 45 minutes). If only I could control reality like this. God I miss my son so much. I feel his presence always but I want a hug. I wish you could hug memories. And give you all a real one too. But for now - cyber hugs all around my friends.

Happy birthday to your daughter In heaven Sharon and hugs to you.  

Can't wait to hear your song Connie 

sending your daughter a birthday cake ... Sharon Robertson...

Sharon HUGS!

Dolly....Ditto

Connie thank you for sharing.  That was a first for me so I didn't know what was happening.  And I too would like to hear or read your song when your ready. 

RJ this is a long process that has no timeline.  At six months the pain is still very raw. Reading your words reminds me of where I was and makes me recognize where I am now.  I wish I could tell you life is good now but it's not BUT it is better than that first year.  Hang in there. while I can't tell you the pain will go away it is true when they say we learn to manage it better in time.

Hugs to you Sharon. So sorry you are feeling so bad today. It is best not to think too far ahead. I still take things one day at a time. When I plan a trip or something, I can only seem to focus on that one thing until it's over. Right now I have hit that wall again. I went to the accident site to put out new flowers. Damn, that just seems to get harder because I feel like everyone else has moved on . I'll never stop doing things in my son's memory. never. Like you  and all of us - the pain of missing them is unbelievably hard. Prayers and love to everyone.

Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in a while. I have been exploring other ways of healing. Today though, I feel so alone and helpless. My son passed away last Halloween of a drug overdose. Then 2 days ago, I learned that he had a girlfriend I knew nothing about who now has his baby. All I know at this point is the first name of the woman, and that when she was with my son they were both using drugs. I know the baby's first name, his sex and age. That's it. The person who had passed on the information to begin with isn't telling us anything more. She's saying the girlfriend isn't ready. What the hell?? What does that mean? I have all these questions...Is the baby really Caleb's? Is he safe? Is his mom still using? Why doesn't she want Caleb's family to know him? I'm going crazy!

Wow thanks Dolly, it's an awesome cake .... glad that's over for another year.

Connie ...it's always hard to go to their crash site.  don't know if this helps at all but a godly friend said to me (she has been through loss and grief herself) as I was just sitting down beside the tree feeling so very numb... "you are so lucky sharon" I thought she had lost the plot saying something like that to me, but then she continued in saying..."you are sitting in the very spot where angles came down and ministered to the others in the car and took your daughter home, she wasn't alone when she died.. they were with her"

it didn't mean much to me then but thinking about it not everyone who loses a loved one can go to where their loved one was killed.... doesn't ease the pain of the loss but I guess we are blessed to be able to go to their memorial site and place flowers.

My friend who shared that with me lost her 25yr old daughter in the brisbane river... she got cramp and her body wasn't found for 3 days

Thinking of you Connie

I totally bottomed out again today... all day in the pitts... just never know when or why it's going to hit again .. but it does... sooner or later... what a horrible day.. I've been having weird nightmares lately too.. not about him but just nonsensical mostly... but not sleeping well.. and today ... and it was another THURSDAY.... right from the start I found them so hard as he died on a Thursday... I didn't get it at first .. then I realized every Thursday seemed even more horrible than every other horrible day after he died.. I had sort of forgotten because that eased off some after awhile I guess.. but here it came again..

Oh Dolly my heart goes out to you.I hate those bombed out kinda days, they just aren't nice at all.

Hugs to you my friend 

Maureen - wow wow and wow!! You must be going crazy. Those of us who have lost our only child have this dream. That somehow , our child has a baby out there. I know it is wrong but I secretly hoped my son's girlfriend was pregnant. But to find out now and not get any other information must be SO rough for you. I am sorry they are making it hard for you. But I will pray that you can convince who ever told you to give you more info and that you will be able to confirm if it's your grandchild and that the child is being properly cared for. And I will pray that the girl is not still doing drugs and will do the right thing.

Love and prayers to everyone here especially on those dark days. My day is Sat. Sat night at 8:20 is when my son passed. It kind of makes every weekend hard.

BTW we won our lawsuit and it will not go to trial. Bittersweet for sure but it's over. Now we will see if they fix that damn wall in a timely fashion. If they don't I will do something if I have to do it myself. No one else should die that way ever again when it is something so easy to fix.

I've been reading the links some of you have suggested.

Does anyone know of more links?

Thank you

I've never had one dream of Shalisha since the accident, it's like she never existed I guess my mind has shut her out till I can cope : )

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH!

Many HUGS Jill!

Happy Birthday in heaven to Josh. Good luck to your son in his new job and do have a safe trip. <3

Happy Birthday

Josh

I lost my beautiful son "ILIR" 26 years old on August 1st 2014, honour student of York university, I hope you guys having your own team in Heaven.. I love you BOYS.. looking forward to cheer for you guys.