as if it isn't horrible enough to have had this happen to our loved ones... on top of it we have to be beaten up by people who should be kind to us or at least keep their distance if they can't have compassion... some HELP would be nice too... I think whatever you do LAURIE and AMMY that helps you feel like in some way you are doing for your loved ones what they can no longer do for themselves is the right thing to do... I hope you will find peace through success in your efforts... I am still fighting guilt feelings and being kicked out of the church didn't help... not ONE person from the church has asked why I left... at least not to me.. I can't make comments on the site anymore so there may be some who wonder, but aside from the one woman who did thank me for standing against the grief=self pity wording nobody has tried to find me to ask why I left... and she has stopped emailing me too.. so I've just been written off and forgotten just because I dared to disagree with the founder on that point.. I know I'm better off out of there but sometimes I feel like I can't make a right decision any more.. I thought that was going to be a GOOD place to go and share and have fellowship... but I was WRONG AGAIN...

Trying to find a healthy functional church is at times challenging...my daughter finally found a Methodist church that has been very healing...the man who is the minister there is sort of like a "Mr. Rogers" (the childhood series) type. Very gentle. However the church I went to has struggled alot throughout the years with relationship issues.

...For me, I just can't handle any more than what I have...so I am not actively seeking relationships in my physical location. I am already so exhausted that I need nothing more on my plate. I have also been on these forums long enough to know that grief can physically take a person out. One mom who had a horrible court ordeal is almost or pretty much disabled from the physical complications triggered by her tragedy. Some seem to be able to find a balance better than others, I am not sure why. I think if one already had their cup full from other tragedy, or are in poor health, isolated and/or older, these factors can play into how much one can deal with the loss. Sometimes, though, grief for the loss of a child does just break a person. These have been some of my observations. So I am staying away from people who can not be gentle in their nature as there is no more resource left within myself...what I had for a faith, well that needs an overhaul.

Thanks for the encouragement Dolly. Hugs.

thank you too... I feel myself winding down ever since I was thrown out of that church... and I think I am getting a better perspective of my own feelings.. I have to stop worrying about what PEOPLE think of me and be satisfied to know that God loves me and is always my ally no matter even if I make a mistake.. when I get away from that hateful persecution by people, I can see myself better.. not through their eyes.. they have their own hurts and problems and are dealing with things I have no clue about, so I have to stop taking everything so personally I guess... or at least let it go... and accept the fact that a person like me who feels compelled to stand up and say something when they think something is wrong or someone is being hurt or abused has to get used to being unpopular and attacked and abused themselves... Jesus sure was.... not that I am comparing myself to Jesus... just that my being attacked is par for the course for anyone sticking their neck out for themselves, or anyone else I guess.. having had to fight so many battles for my kids has sort of gotten me into attack mode or retaliation mode I think.... hard to get out of it...

Laurie I am thinking of you as your legal struggle continues. I understand and applaud your tenacity. We have to be our children's champions. If not us, who will? Our trial date is set for August 8. I never thought it would go this far. They need to do the right thing. There's is still time for them to settle but time is running out. The thought of that trial makes me physically ill. I finished my song for my son and I think it turned out well. It is positive and is about the messages I have gotten from him. I will share it when I can.

Lynn I hope Sunday was OK for you. I understand that putting Kyra in the ground was so difficult for you. I hope the family was able to achieve some healing <3 <3

Love and hugs to all of you here. I appreciate your support and friendship.

Connie, know what you mean about the physically ill part (with facing the trial)...I don't want to think about the trial yet...it will be in Sept...another small court date will be in August...you are about the same time line as me I think...

...good for you on completing the song, as the words and music are crafted in great love...

For me, I am practicing a spirituality as a one-on-one thing with God; and I do not need to have a formal church setting to practice what I know to be true...so that is what I have been doing...my mom does the same...with a small area in her home dedicated to prayer and personal meditation....(she too has lost two children, my sister at age 42)

...if I need prayer, Guideposts online has a very nice section to submit prayer needs...

Wishing everyone a gentle day...

thanks for the tip about the Guideposts prayer section... I will look into that.. its been a long time since I read a Guideposts.. I used to love the articles and they had a magazine called Angels for awhile.. I still have some copies but I don't know if I can read the print.. I'm going to look them up..

Connie I would love to hear your song.

Jill - so many things I wish I had done. Hugs

The fourth of July. I remembered every single one with my son from the first year when we sat in a car because the noise was too much for him. I don't want to resent families who have a normal life, I just want my son back. I just want to be a grandma. I just want a family again. The whole thing just made me so sad. Damn it.

Tomorrow will be Kyra's second birthday in heaven. She would be 28 this year. It is still so hard somedays.

Lynn - you and Kyra are always in my heart. I will be sending lots of love and prayers to you tomorrow. OX

Thank you Connie crying a lot today. Here is one of my favorite pictures. Her 5th birthday

Happy Birthday Kyra!!!!

Lots of HUGS, Lynn.

I'm with Connie I wanted to be a grandmom.  Watching all my friends become grandmoms is so very hard.

Love and prayers to you Sharon.

Words for us to live by.......

Rj

Thank you. Me too. I read it yesterday and couldn't get it off my mind.

I found it very fitting.

Because they can't understand. They don't swim in our skin.

tomorrow is my 72nd birthday and my son Bo's 31st..its two years since Brandon died but the first birthday I had shortly after he died [a month plus a few days after] I couldn't sleep and was at the computer which was in the room that opened into Brandon's room.. as I was sitting there doing God knows what and feeling lost I suddenly heard one clear loud strum from a toy guitar ..it sounded out of Brandon's room just like so many times before when Brandon was in his bed playing with toy guitars.. BUT when I went into the room to find the source of the sound, that guitar was not there.. there were a few toy guitars there but none of them produced the riff I heard.. It gave me chills then and still does now that as I write about it... it was as if Brandon was wishing me a happy birthday from heaven or saying 'hi' at least.. nothing that I recognized as coming from heaven happened last year on my birthday though.. and I wonder if anything will happen this year.. BUT we are visiting my oldest son in MA and had just completed the long two-day trip up..just as we pulled off 495 and were headed for my son's' house at long last the song 'Rainbow Connection' started playing on the CD player [a CD we had made of songs the guys loved] This song has so much history connected with my mother in law and with our family trips to the beach..same beach where Brandon died... so it made me feel like Brandon was saying 'I'm here too!" and THEN just as we got to the drive that leads to the house the song "Adoption Day" came on... just so perfectly timed.. Brandon was the third child we adopted and this was another favorite song from my kid's childhood.. so I do feel as if my son is still around on some level of existence that isn't totally separate from our own earthly existence.. I don't know how it all works, but things like this happen too often to just be coincidence...

Happy Birthday Dolly and BO! My heart is with you today. Hugs

Jane, my support is with you today.

Dolly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Brandon will always dance in the trees!

Ladies, HUGS

Teresa, thank you!

Dolly, Happy Birthday to you and Bo. That's nice you both share the same day!

So many things I could respond to on here.  Catching up since I haven't checked in for awhile.  I thought it wouldn't be so rough this year, but I think I have done it to myself by allowing myself to think too much.  Tomorrow will be 5 years since our son left and I still don't know how this time has passed so quickly when each day seems to drag on.
I've had a graphic saved for a couple of weeks and wanted to share it with you even though I don't call my son an angel.  I can't remember who posted this on FB but might have been a grief site.
Just know you all are in my thoughts and prayers each day.

Dolly I hope you and Bo find some happiness today.  

Angel mommies... love that <3 met an angel mommy today and feel so satisfied that though ever after my son left I haven't been the most happiest person around there was no need to explain . I once met an old colleague who told me , " my god you used to be so cheerful whats happened to you?" I thought " really ? like it will go away just because some time passes and I will just simply 'bounce back'.... never mind ... Love to you all and wishes for peace and yes happiness in any form that it comes.

As if we want to be like this. <3 Vasanthi. Hope all is going well since your return.

Thinking of Ammy today.

Thinking of all of us today.

We've been dealt a serious blow.

And now we have to figure out how to get through each day.

One day at a time.........

xxoo

crying with groans so deep it hurts ....only to take a short breath and groan some more. I have done this for about a year ..  something triggered it again, and I cried so deep it felt like my breath was taken away.

Does anyone else feel like this at times ? also tears fall and I don't even know I'm crying till I feel the tears.

I'm just trying to live today... not tomorrow .... not yesterday .... just today cause it seems that this is all I have the strength to do.

Losing a child is in the wrong order of things, and yes I feel the same as you Rj .... the further she gets into the past, the longing for her gets harder.... I think its because we don't accept their death as reality when it happens (kinda like a protection mode)... but slowly reality creeps in a little bit at a time... and our disbelief of what has happened slowly very slowly becomes a painful acceptance.

I remember sitting at the hospital with my (4yr old at the time) waiting for us to be transfered to another hospital I suddenly realised that night was turning to early morning light.

I went into a panic attack about it ..." WHAT .... No No No .....Stop it's not allowed to be another day ..... don't you know what's happened ... I don't want my daughter to be in the past"

This ruthless creeping monster called "reality" oh how I hate you