Sharon, your not alone.  We are all right here with you and reading every word. We all know about the "new normal". I'm accepting "THIS IS IT". Your right everything has changed and nothing including us is going back to what it was.

I use to be strong now I'm a bowl of mush.  The other night I had a dream of my Michael. I was bursting at the seams wanting to tell everyone "I SAW MICHAEL"....no one but me thought that was something to burst about. 

What matters to us doesn't matter to others. 

For those using your last name just want to let you know that if someone googles your name they will find and be able to read your posts.  If this is your private place, as it is for me, you may want to drop your last name.

Was waiting for my two girls to finish gymnastics this afternoon, sitting in front of me were some other mums and dads..... couldn't help hearing their discussion about their young children.... planning were they would go to high school, what sports and musical instrument they play......with out a care in the world.....mean while I was growing more numb.... thinking "you wait, I wonder if you would be still excited and determined if one was taken from you... all your plans oh how happy you are....... you have not a care in the world that one day perhaps one day this might all change for you.

Struggling with all the others who have not experienced grief, they have such joy in planning with all their hopes and dreams.

Sorry if that sounds so morebid but I start to feel so spaced out when I hear others talk with such joy about what they want for their children, my head starts to hurt and I try to hold back the tears.

Has anyone else felt like that !!!!!

Sharon R. your not alone.  the day Michael left we talked about his future for 2 hours.  So yes, when I hear others have that conversation it hurts me.  I grieve Michael's future.

One day I had to sit at a table of woman who did nothing but talk about their kids and grandkids.  I wanted to yell, "SHUT UP" but I knew I couldn't.  Instead I did everything I could to block it out and to fight the tears. 

Teresa I wish that it didn't effect me that way, but I guess it is always going to be a trigger point, I actually find it hard to have dreams for the future for my to youngest girls aged 9 and 11 and struggle when I have to go to sport activities as I spent so much time inputting into my eldest daughter, sitting around while she trained (she was a runner) or driving her to sport comps......so empty now but with Gods strength I try to make an effort.

I wonder if it will change when both my girls have passed the age of 17 (the age my daughter was killed) or do I dare to think that far.

What about funerals... I feel a bit of a coward ... I have chosen not to go to any since I had hers, not even for close friends who have passed.... I just can't bare the thought of it.... could you imagine everyone sitting in silence and there I am howling like a little baby (I didn't cry at my daughters funeral... so numb) cause I know that,  that would happen...... and they would probably think "wow she is really upset about so in so dying" when really Im not crying for them at all.

have you ever felt like that ?

Her birthday next month (July) ....... finding myself unable to do the house work and drowning myself with tv or computer ..... hmm got to really try and pick myself up.... think I will take a photo of the mess around my house and put it some where I can see it to remind me not to get down to that point again.

Understand how you feel Jill ....it takes real effort to get up in the morning and the bed looks so inviting during the day.

Today my husband and I are cleaning house and making beds in the spare room. My step-son his wife and my two grandchildren come today from New Mexico. My other daughter will come after work and stay overnight. They are coming to bury Kyra's ashes on Sunday and I will not go. I will go to church instead because I can not watch her being buried in the cemetery. I will tell them all tonight at dinner and I hope they get why I can't be with them.  I hope I can enjoy everyone visiting us and not only focus on the main reason why they came.  Your so right Sharon and Teresa it is so hard for us all here. Kyra's birthday is July 8th and she would be 28 this year. Two years since she died seems like an eternity and yet it still doesn't seem real in away. Time has no meaning for me anymore. Love to everyone here..Lynn  

When my sister was ran over and killed in 2002 we had to do cremation. Her ashes were buried but a small keepsake urn was held back. This keepsake urn of my sister's ashes will be placed with my mom when she passes. They will be buried on the same lot as this is allowed where we live. (Our law allows for two cremains or a combination of the urn and coffin) . Wishing those facing this milestone peace.

This was written the day after the accident by a close friend of my daughters.

I hope you don't mind but it just seems to explain how I feel at the moment... feel free to copy it for yourself if you like it

Sharon R thank you for sharing something so personal.

Lynn W. you can only do what you can do...HUGS!!!

Sharon, 

that is beautiful ..hugsss

Sharon, what a beautiful statement.  I can relate to it all.  Thank you for sharing.

I read a blog today and somehow saw this quote and wanted to share  with you.  Never saw it expressed this way, but it's so true.

As any bereaved parent knows mourning a child is like mothering a child...a life-long journey. - Lori Spray-Esteve (bereaved parent of 29 years)

Have any of you seen all the letters going out to Joel Osteen for not being sympathetic to grieving parents in his book YOUR BEST LIFE NOW?

Has anyone read that book?

YES Ammy... it was sent to me after that online pastor did the same thing to me.. they actually kicked me out of the online church for saying they shouldn't tell grieving parents and other sufferers to stop whining... they just shut me down... another person from the church site then sent me the link to this article

I mean the article was sent to me, not the book.. apparently he said a person only needed a couple of months of grief and then should 'move on'... some new convoluted doctrine I guess... when they told me I was full of self pity, told me and others to stop whining and complaining and then booted me out because I kept insisting that this was WRONG.. it threw me down a hole again.. but I would say it again in a heartbeat.. supposedly there is some sort of petition letter being signed somewhere against this false doctrine..

http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/why-megachurch-pastor-joel-os...

*************************************************

the link I was sent... its a tricky site though... sticks when you try to scroll through it.. at least on my puter..

my husband sent me this site about contact from our loved ones and I have been commenting on it too:

http://www.crosswalk.com/church/pastors-or-leadership/ask-roger/can...

My daughter had to quit a church group on grief support because of a book they brought in called Heavenly Grief. It had a chapter in it called, THE SIN of Self-Pity....

I told my daughter not to attend that group anymore as long as that was the material. What is extremely odd is that the authors say they lost 3 of their children each at a very young age. I really don't understand where they are coming from, nor do I want to.

Grief is not self pity... it's not whining.. it's not feeling sorry for yourself... and it doesn't fit a set of steps nice and neatly... and it has no set time table... so many preachers and authors and such are just totally twisting everything and are forgetting that blessed are they that mourn for they shall be COMFORTED... not bashed over the head with stupid insensitive blather like Osteen is spouting...

Oh dear why do people do things like that. ...... I think we are allowed to have a little bit of self pity but not allow it to consume our life BUT there is a real difference between pity and grief. self pity is ugly, grief is normal and it doesn't have a use by date and it is a shame that this church grief group has missed out on the real meaning of compassion .. I really hope and pray that those is this group won't leave with a load of guilt. and if they do that God will bring others along their path who can truly show them Gods compassion.

I really like Joel Osteen's messages but I am so very sad that he has missed a great opportunity to help in the community.... there is such a special need for groups that show REAL compassion to someone in grief  a safe haven that can bring friendship and encouragement without time limits.   God please raise others up in the christian community who are walking our walk to start groups that can really reach those who are hurting.

So sorry Dolly I really wasn't trying to hurt anyone with what I said, Im very fragile and can't afford to hurt others.

You won't hear from me again and I do wish you all the best

Sharon I'm not sure what I missed but please don't feel as though you have to leave.

While most of our feelings and stages of grief are shared there are some things we just won't agree on. Like Mediums and preachers.  What might be comforting to one might not be comforting to another. 

Even if I don't agree with someone I don't want to see them walk away.  We are here to support each other and to hold each other up.  There is that one thing that bonds us together. 

I'm sorry if Sharon took it personally.. it wasn't meant to be..

I feel awful that Sharon was hurt by something I said...

I give up

I was just trying to warn people about this because it was used against me and it threw me back into a deep depression that I was just starting to crawl out of.. it wasn't aimed at anyone... from now on I'm out of here too...

Sometimes things get just too much for me, Im constantly reminded of that day because I have to care for my 28yr old now with a brain injury from the accident (he was a builder, can't drive anymore let alone ever getting married) and an ex (who was the driver) who constantly gives me grief.

I don't go to church much these days ... Not because I don't want to, I feel just so broken inside, that I feel that I don't fit in.

I go for a visit to NZ in August for my fathers 90th birthday... this is starting something in me as well, I know that this will be the last time we will see each other.

Maaaannnn I need to get a grip ....... life is tough at times

Im Sorry Dolly I thought that because I said I like his messages I offended people ..... I had a good cry and did some thinking and realised we do have to be careful. I am glad I am back and I know that this is a safe place and there are friends on line here that are here with me walking this road we call grief.

I guess we all have times that we can be tearful over just the simplest of things ... and I think I was having one of those moments yesterday  : )

Sharing this blog from a grieving mom who is 12 years out...her most recent post:

https://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/

This past Thursday would have been my infant son's birthday. He would  have been 28 -- the same age as Jesse when he transitioned.

The next day was yet another court day...we almost had the case slid out from under us.

I posted the below posts because on Thursday, I discovered some rather unpleasant conversation, very hurtful conversation, going on in the church we were attending. Just plain judgemental. On the day of my deceased infant's birthday.

I have two children to grieve for...the days are just so dark right now...

This weekend I spent the entire time printing out a accident report that our DA needed to have for the case...somehow this information got dropped and I almost lost the ability to use our accident reconstructionist as a witness.

Then today as I was driving to the Print Shop to have this complicated document printed...the mini-van in front of me does the very illegal manuever that killed my son...quickly jumping in the oncoming lane of traffic to make a left turn...a crazy driving pattern I have only seen here...it killed my son...

...it hurts just to breath somedays...

Dolly I have known you for awhile now and I know your intention is to  NEVER hurt anyone.  Sometimes because of our emotional state we are quick to take something the wrong way. 

Sharon it's okay we all have our moments of feeling overwhelmed by all of this. 

Laurie I am so sorry you have to go through this.  It must be very painful to have to keep re-visiting the details.  HUGS!!!!!! 

thanks everyone... lately I am having so much trouble its almost worse than it was right after Brandon died.. and then all that mean stuff said to me from that founder of that online church  ... I felt so beat up.. I'm sorry if I said anything that hurt anyone in here.. I never meant to.. I'm all raw and can't half think these days..

Dolly, we all say things that others sometimes take the wrong way.  As long as the communication stays active it usually gets straightened out.  Glad that is what happened here.

No person truly understands this life we now live if they aren't living it too.  I don't care who they are.  Church pastors, church people, psychiatrist, therapists, friends, family; it doesn't matter, they are just guessing while we are living it.  We need to learn to ignore them in their ignorance or it will drive us crazier.

I believe God understands, but that too is a whole personal thing with each of us.

We are a family of sorts now and families have differences.  It's okay.  Just don't hold grudges or anger.  Say something.  Talk it out.  We all need each other.

Sending my love to all.

I totally agree Ammy. I feel and know that I have been placed in a camp that is totally away from the other people without child loss...

Some may do better than others, however, I always knew if I lost another child, it would be like this...I have PTSD and other severe anxiety issues, I cannot cope with being in large crowds...one of my best friends told me to go my own way basically, and another I recently found out was criticizing my efforts for Justice for my son...in public...at my church...

It is a lonely road for sure...

....one thing I can say about internet conversation, sometimes tone and meaning don't always come acrossl...(I had worked on the Web in a Corporate Communications setting so was always working on how to craft my message)...

....To me, most of the people on these forums are just setting forth their innermost feelings as there is no where else to turn for many...people have walked away, gone on with their lives, but you still live in that moment of yesterday...time is frozen....feelings are hard to understand...reality is an attempt to reconcile our worst fears with just breathing over the next hour...

I think it is important to have somewhere that those emotions are shared, and that hands are held...tears are allowed to flow...so if something sounds a little rough, I know it is just from a person being in pain, like I am in pain...that is all...

Laurie, I think many of us have had people walk away from us.  I've had several.  It hurts, but after awhile I believe that it's best for us anyway.
Don't ever stop fighting for your son.  I (we) had to do the same with our Coroner.  Just kept calling and making appointments to see him until he finally understood what we were talking about.  He then got the DA to reopen, but unfortunately because they didn't investigate at the time there isn't much they can do unless someone starts talking.  If there is any question about what happened be persistent.  It seems to work and I never would have thought of questioning anyone in authority if I wasn't such a big watcher of true crime stories and saw that persistence can work.  I wish you the best with your efforts for justice.

We are here to support you.  Blessings to all.

Ammy, thanks for the note back and the encouragement to continue on...the online communities have been my only source of encouragement for the pursuit of Justice besides my immediate family...

What should have been recognized as an act of honor has been dishonored by my so-called "friends"...

....to find out the events that actually occurred that day and run the distance and make sure the people that are responsible are actually held responsible...that is what is honorable. I often compare this situation to what I know to be true in military missions...what happens in those endeavors... they are evaluated and the events are recorded, those who were heroes and villians are identified, and punishment/rewards assigned. To me, that has been my course of action throughout this...

...you are right in that we find out what is best for us. Having a bunch of disfunctional/unhealthy people in my life, critiquing our efforts to find justice for my son (this being our worst most vulnerable life moment)  to others in the background is definitely something that needs to end.