Ammy my husband believes they enjoy their favorites things and food through us....

Ammy I thought about you all weekend.  PEACE, LOVE & HUGS!

Thank you Teresa for thinking of me and thanks Connie & Rj.
I decided to make the cake Saturday but I started out horrible on Sunday and had to leave the house and be by myself for a few hours.  Came home around 4:30 and my daughters were here.  My husband had grilled some chicken and sausage and made a big salad.  I had grabbed 2 pizzas on the way home not knowing if anyone would be here and as soon as I got home my son's daughter and her mom and 3 other kids came. They haven't been here all together for 3 years.  They all ate, then we sang Happy birthday and had the cake.  Everyone then wrote a little message on a balloon and his daughter released them.  It wasn't a happy time, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Hopefully next month will be quiet for his anniversary though.  I think it's harder for my husband when we do these things.
I pray you all find a gentler, kinder week ahead.  We sure do deserve one, don't we?

One of my daughters gave me this stone for his memorial garden.  I wanted to share because I think the writing is so fitting for those of us that do believe we will see our children again.  I hope you will be able to read it.  Love & hugs to all.

What a beautiful stone Ammy. It will look lovely in your garden. Love and peace to everyone here

Hello from a broken heart

My son Ilir was murdered (honor student of York university) he was just graduated on june 19, 2014.

Iir was murdered on August 1st 2014, beautiful, heart of gold, caring, sunshine of my life, the only love of my life, and now im so sick and desperate, don't know what to do anymore, days are so difficult and my health is getting worse, very 1st 2weeks I lost 20lbs, there should be a reason still im a life , but why? everything in my life is why, and im at denial state,  by the way I loved the writing on that heart shape stione.  

Nicki I am so heartsick for you, it is such a senseless tragedy and I and we all here will be praying for you in this hour of great sorrow and know that we are all there for you, each travelling the same path. the cause of losing our most beloved darlings may be different but the heartache and sorrow are well understood. For now our task is to live and keeping everyone here in my heart and praying for peace.

Nicki - I  am so sorry for your loss and the horrible circumstances you have to deal with. Sending you love and prayers.

Nicki, it saddens me to welcome you to this group.  I hope we can support you and help you find some peace.  HUGS!

Thinking of you Lynn <3

Lynn & Sharon, what a hard decision to have to make.  As you said Sharon, I can only hope that this brings peace and closure to you both, but I don't think we ever really have complete closure.  

After reading both your comments I wondered why I feel as if I can't bury my son's ashes.  I can only think that I still can't face the finality of it even after almost 5 years (July 14).

I know that for some of you it's hard to imagine better days, but they do happen.  Take each one with gratitude when you get them.  

You are all in my heart.  {{{HUgs}}}

I know Michael is not in the marble box but I can't bring myself to part with his ashes either.  It sits on my dresser and I'm no where ready to move it.  It gives me something to hug.

I also still have his work boots on my other dresser. I'm not ready to put them away either. As sick as it sounds they give me something to smell.

I gave him a clock radio when he was 13. He kept it just because I gave it to him. Now I keep it just because he kept it. Silly.... 

It is too painful to part with any little thing... it's all we have left of them.  I still haven't gone through any of Troy's clothes. I still can smell him on his sweatshirt. Maybe one day I can part with some of them...

I lost my 17 year old daughter 7 years ago, and have still got some of her clothes, I will never part with them. 

What I have decided to do with a couple of her favourite shirts is turn them into something creative and beautiful to look at ..something that I can hang in the house. I am framing one of her T shirts (like they do for footy shirts) and creating a collage of photos with it...... I will post a photo when I am finished.

There are things I will never let go ... because the are a part of her, but I do have them safely packed away.

Sharon, Michael had a huge collection of Jerseys that he always wore, my daughter took some and had them made into a quilt for me and his dad.

SHARON.. I love wearing my son's shirts... makes me feel like I'm getting a hug from heaven... maybe I AM

well folks.. I told you some about my trouble with the online church where they told me I was feeling sorry for myself and just wanted to spread my grief out all over the internet... well I stopped saying anything about it for awhile until the other day a person who claimed to be a therapist on there was giving advice .. most of it sounded great actually.. until she had to go and add 'don't complain' ..so I posted a nice request that she be careful about using words like that because it could really hurt some people who were deeply suffering.. well it got deleted and my husband got so fed up he wrote the leader of the site an email to say he was ending his membership and why... it was not a bad email and even quoted from the Bible ... but in response to it they emailed ME to say they had closed MY account TOO without even saying anything to me first... so I am officially KICKED OUT... but I am definitely better off OUT of there... so many nice and loving people are part of the site and I will miss them, but for some reason the leader of the site just had a major bee up his whatever about my objecting to the use of words like 'don't complain' and 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' and 'don't have a bad attitude about losing a child'.. so I just have to 'move on' at least from that site... why are people like that?

but I will continue to talk to my son, play music to him, wear his shirts, and cry whenever I have to... even if some people think its self pity.. I know grief and self pity are NOTHING alike

Dolly u r right , you do ANYTHING that helps even if no one understands and from bitter experience I can tell you that even family does not understand. So we do whatever we want alone and we can talk about it here because here all will understand.... hugssssss

thanks Vasanthi... we get it in here don't we.. we get each other.... even if nobody else does... even my husband has had his share of dreams and conversations with heaven.... we are NOT doing any spiritual hoodoo weirdo stuff... just reaching out across the way... into heaven a bit I think... and all of nature seems to be in touch with that place too I think because they are so present and close since Brandon left... bears, owls, hawks, tanagers, deer and their babies.. just the other day I was thinking how much I'd like to see another beautiful mushroom like the one we saw for the first time last year, and we rounded the corner in the road and there was ANOTHER one on the same tree trunk... nothing was there a couple of days before... and it was BIG already.... I'm adding a pic of last year's mushroom and then in a bit I will post this year's .... when those things happen it makes me tingle with gratitude

here is last year's shroom.... I've posted it before I know, but..

I remember that pic from last year Dolly.  It's so unique.  To me it looks like it should have water flowing from the top set to the bottom one.  Thanks for sharing it again.

Teresa, I am like you in that I can't part with anything anymore.  I regret so much that the day after my son left us my daughter came here and said we needed to get rid of his clothes.  I am so grateful that I only let her bag up what was in his laundry basket, and yet I feel a little anger that it was done.  We aren't thinking straight and should not do anything for quite awhile if you ask me.
I don't know if you saw that I did thank you last week for thinking of us on his birthday.  I posted a few pics but I think I will be deleting them.  I'm so paranoid thinking my daughters may find me on here because they know I belong to a couple of groups and here and there is where we can be ourselves.  I do believe that they are more understanding now that this is for the rest of my life and I'm never going to be who I was before.

Take care everyone.  Try not to look back and don't look ahead.  Focus on today.  Today is all we have for now.  {{{Hugs}}}

Dolly,

People who have not walked in our shoes do not understand our pain. I am so sorry that they put you through that horrible experience. Hopefully soon I can wear one of Troys shirts. I would love to feel a "hug" from him!

New Normal ? ? ?

What is this "new normal" that Ive been told I walk now... doesn't feel very normal ... it feels like I'm just going through life  till it's time for me to die, everything I do is tainted with grief, how do you walk this walk now; nothing is normal anymore and Im sick of hearing this frase "new normal". ahhhhhh

It's been 7 years since since she was killed and my life as I knew it changed I guess it's like being as close to being a zobie, just walking around numb.

Has anyone got any helpful advise 

Dolly we'll never throw you out.  How ignorant, but I also found out that we are just too sad for some people.  I discovered some deleted me from facebook, but I don't care.

Ammy, I agree I don't think I should have been making decisions and I don't think I should have been driving.  But people see us on the outside not realizing how broken we are on the inside.

I think we hold onto what we need to. We don't hurt anyone by doing it. 

Thanks RJ just the fact that someone has replied to my comment makes me feel that I am not alone..... Thank you very very much

Teresa I am so glad you decided to keep this things ... no one can tell you what to do with them. I had some well meaning friends who decided while I was with my other children in the hospital the day my daughter was killed, cleaned out her large work bag that had all kinds of bits and pieces in it.

Was really hurt that hey had removed every bit from that bag .... the last train ticket, tissues, everything that smelt of her. That was the last evidence of her