Oh yes and don't forget Walt Disney was fired a bunch and of course STEVE JOBS was exiled from Apple before returning years later to develop the ipad, iphone, ipod etc etc etc

My heart also breaks for Joe Biden. :(

It's so scary. People are telling me that the "firsts" are the worst, then other people tell me that the second year is even harder because the missing gets worse. I don't know if I can survive any more pain than I have now.

I'm sorry Jill. Every reminder is so painful. I wish I could take some of it away.

Ladies don't focus on down the road just focus on where you are now.  I will agree the first year is very hard. But that is because we have to wrap our brains around our loss.  The second year yes is hard too because somewhere in it reality will hit you.  But you can only take one minute, hour, day....at a time. 

While we can't tell you the pain goes away we can only tell you what others told us and that is in time you will learn to manage it.  Does that mean you won't have days when you fall? No it doesn't. I still have days when I fall and need help getting back up but I am now at a place where I am accepting my reality. 

Right now you can't even begin to understand what "managing it" means but I promise in time it will come to you.  Again I see my progress through you and in time you will see your progress through others.

Teresa, you said it perfectly.  This should be copied by all that are fresh in this journey so they can read it when it seems there will never be rays of light in the darkness of grief.  I am grateful that I learned to stay focused (most of the time) on the day I was in and not to look ahead.  We can't manage if we focus on what will never be, but we all end up doing it at times.  It's okay as long as you don't stay there.
And now I try not to look back either.  I don't want to remember that first year or the second.  I'm grateful for the gentler days but I still think of my son throughout the day.  It's just not as hard.

I hope for gentler days for each of you.  They will come.  {{{Hugs}}}

This month is more of a challenge with my son's birthday on the 14th my birthday on the 16th (which I try to forget), and then Father's day, and the Father's day part is almost harder than thinking of his birthday because it brings back the memories of his little girl not being able to understand why her Daddy isn't here.  We always say that the loss of a child is the worse loss you will ever endure, but for a young child that doesn't understand what death is, that loss runs close for them.  She cried almost as much as I did and seeing her grieve only added more sorrow to the sorrow.
Then July 14th is when he left us.
I will try not to dwell on it as best I can, but these are the dates that stir up the fire.
I keep you all in my prayers every day.  

I was just reading an email from another group and she said she saw this writing on FB.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. 
But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through.
It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—
that still hurts when the weather gets cold,
but you learn to dance with the limp.”

~Anne Lamott

Ammy they are words I learned through you.

PEACE to everyone.

Life is just never going to be as sweet.. but then even less bitter seems impossible... I know everyone loses people they love.. but their losses, although I feel sorry for them... their losses don't do anything to make mine less horrible... as I'm sure my loss doesn't help them any... its all horrible and it just takes such a bite out of us and the bite doesn't heal.. it may scab over.. but it reminds me of what my son Brandon went through the last few years of his life... a bed sore that he got in the hospital.. first one he ever had.. from some hospital borne infection... a horrible infection.. and it never totally healed no matter what we did... that's the way I feel... like I have an open wound in my heart that won't heal ever.... how else SHOULD I feel? Oh theres MANY who will tell me to 'stop whining'.. what do they know of my pain? All this has made me so hard hearted towards those who poke at my pain and tell me to get over it... I just want to smack them silly... I don't want to feel like this but I do... answers? I have none... where do I go from here? seems like nowhere... nothing works...nothing is fun... do I like it this way? want it this way? NO I DON'T .. but it doesn't seem to matter what I want... all I can do is be happy that at least my husband and other family members seem OK so far... that IS alot... but it is not Brandon smiling at me..

Thinking of you all.  Sending love & blessings.

so true Ammy....

And is not time even as love is, undivided and spaceless?

just wanted to send love to all here ..... hold the love u have firm in your hearts, that will get us all through.<3

Beautiful - thank you Vasanthi. I hope you are doing okay during your move. Hugs to everyone. I feel the same - crushed, stuck, devastated. We have to keep our hearts open to the love...

The subconscious mind stores information that the conscious mind may not immediately process with full understanding, but it stores the information for later retrieval when ”recalled” by the conscious mind.

Had to look that up today because I couldn't understand why I am in such a downward spiral.  I made up my mind not to let this year bother me as in the past.  I am learning to live this life and have accepted it for the most part.  Have kinder days which I am so grateful for, but the last couple of days I feel myself sinking back into that black hole.  Finally decided that it must be that my subconscious is stronger than my conscious mind and not as that definition states.  My conscious mind is not trying to recall.  

Yes, I am a little off if that is what you are thinking.  I feel it.  I want to be by myself until Sunday is past, but I don't know how I can do that.  Where could I go?  Has anyone ever gone away alone to be by yourself since your loss?  If so, where did you go and was it helpful?

SCREAM!  Yes, I want to scream and yet I know once his birthday  passes I will get back on track.  I need to focus on that and on today but my mind isn't cooperating.  

Ammy - our subconscious mind is not linear. There is no "time" there. I find that when the really traumatic memories rise to the surface (often after talking a lot about it), it simply doesn't matter how much time has passed. We do learn to manage the pain better with time but sometimes, the pain wins for a while. I will go a month sometimes and feel like I am doing ok then trip and fall and can't see anything in the darkness until I deal with those awful emotions again. Since I am still not working full time, I have a lot of time at home and need some distraction and think it's really good to plan some time away. Altho I really don't ever WANT to do anything - I also don't want to stay here all the time. We have found that even little day jaunts, helps. We are fortunate to live in So Cal where a hour or 2 can get you to the beach, the mountains or the dessert. A change of scenery is good. We have tried to go to places we have never been before. Partially because it hurts so much to go to places we always were with our son.

Right now I am also in a downward spiral and am having a very hard time getting back into a healthier routine. I know that will help me feel better if I can just exercise regularly again.  So recently, I have made a huge leap of faith and signed up for a retreat that's in two weeks up near the Sequoias. I am super anxious, scared and it will take a great deal of energy just to put myself in this situation. It is a song writing retreat. I started a song for my son a few months after he passed and never finished it. Lately it keeps coming into my mind, over and over. I hear messages to finish the song. then i saw this retreat. They will also be doing yoga everyday, all the music classes, hiking, art classes and hot springs into a large pool. Or you can just use the time to BE. I need that so much. I feel such a heavy load of trying to keep up with all the little "normal" things we have to do to get through the day and act normal for my husband and friends. I need time to focus and sort feelings out like what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life! I feel guilty for leaving for a whole week and leaving my husband on Father's Day but the message was so strong I finally said OKAY! My husband is cool with it. I only hope it helps get me out of my deep depression and I will come home with a completed and recorded song for my sweet boy. That is all that matters to me right now. I believe he will be there helping me with every note. I believe spirit has called me to do this. Dear Lord, I have to camp for a week! I'm not a camper. I am praying for some relief of this constant sorrow....I feel I connect with my son through music. I need to find a way to love playing music again. Even that has been difficult for me.  But I proud of myself for finally stepping up and challenging myself to create something again in my life. I think we all need that - some creative expression through what ever it is that gives you some peace. I find gardening is a great way to meditate, create beauty and tire myself out also.

Hugs to you Ammy and everyone. (Screaming is helpful too - just go somewhere they won't call the police!! Screaming at the pounding ocean surf worked for me last time.)

Ammy, it has been 31 months for me since my son, Jesse transitioned. There were times, a lot of times, where I just needed to be by myself because I felt like I was literally going to explode from the grief...I live in the country so I could yell all I want without the neighbors calling in...

I agree with Connie, there is no "time" here. Only what was, and what is now. My days are divided mostly by the light of day, and the dark of night....following a calendar is almost impossible.

I am putting a link in this post to Carol Kearns who is a grief counselor. Before that, she was just a mom who lost her daughter. She was trained as a counselor under Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and I have found her writings to be somewhat helpful. Hugs.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

Thanks for the link Laurie. I have still not found a local counselor who has lost a child. I really feel that would be the only on who could help.

Thank you Connie and Laurie.  I appreciate your responses.  So far today I'm doing okay and taking it with gratitude.  It's still minute by minute this week.
Connie I don't have any hobbies and I don't do much except keep up with the house and my 2 youngest grandchildren.  I believe I'm older than most on here except for one other mom and I've been here pretty long.  I am happy that you decided to do the retreat and I have confidence that you will complete that song.  I wish you the best.
Laurie, thanks for the link.  I will check it out, but I think I have read some of her articles.  I wish you kinder, gentler days.
Thanks again and I do wish everyone those kinder, gentler days.  They do help keep us going.  {{{Hugs}}} 

Connie I know you will finish writing that song.

Life before we lost our children is not coming back.  We make changes and create new things.  Holidays and everything else in time will begin to take a new shape.  We will always mourn our children and everything else in life we lost when we lost them. 

I want to share this with people.  in 2008 I lost my father very quickly to cancer.  He was diagnosed in May and we buried him in August.

My parents were married for 51 years when he passed.  My mother totally shut down that day.  To this day she is still shut down.  I lost my Michael in 2012 and to date my mother has not been able to offer me any comfort because she is so lost in her own grief.

She has emotionally shut down on us.  I have never needed her more in my life than now, but I came to accept she is not capable.

Why do I share this because I want people to realize no matter how hard this is on us we can't forget about those who are still alive and still in our lives. 

Look I know this hurts.  I am still crying everyday.  But I also know I can't allow myself to shut down like my mother. I need that hug from her just like my daughter needs that hug from me.

Teresa you are so right. What our children have taught us, is that life is precious and fleeting. Altho it is so hard to give when we are so broken, I believe the giving and receiving of love is the only thing that will get us through this. I am sorry your mother is not able to give that to you right now. Most of my family never mention my son.

Ammy, thank you for your encouragement. Even if you don't have a hobby, going away for a couple of days to read and relax would be good for you.  Those 2 grandchildren of yours are your greatest creation and because you are there for them it is probably harder to have time to let your true feelings out and take some time for yourself. I will be thinking of you and your family this Sunday. I know how hard those days are.

Hugs to everyone today. It is amazing to me how time passes like this

Look what we saw at the mountain house last week... about 15 feet from our side door... the baby was still not weaned but from time to time would nurse from his mama.. she watched us VERY closely as we tried to get their picture from inside the house through the glass window of the inner door and the screen in the outer door... so its not a great quality picture, but the subject is priceless I think... I have NEVER seen a baby deer this small so close to the house and have only seen one other in all the years we have had this place, and that one was in the road on the way over the mountain.. AND both showed themselves after Brandon died.. as did many other creatures that had not let us see them before... as if Brandon sent them... or God sent them.. to comfort us or bring us a glimmer of joy again...

So sweet!

Love the deers Dolly.  Nature does has a calmness to it.  We are fortunate to have deer and turkeys roaming through the woods here.  The deer are very cautious but the turkeys are bold.  My son and husband always hunted right behind our home so when hunting season starts it brings bittersweet memories.
Enjoy those signs whether they are from God or Brandon they are there to calm you. 

Teresa, that post says it all and not being able to say goodbye is one of the hardest things for me to deal with.

I'm happy you have been concentrating on the 'today'.  The past week has been a torment on me but today I seem okay so far.  Grateful.  

Still wondering though about Sunday.  Should I do anything or just try to ignore the day.  Bake his cake or not.  I haven't made this cake since his last birthday with us but for some reason this year I keep thinking I should make it.  Oh, the craziness.

Hope all are having a kind day.  My prayers and blessings are with you all.