sorry RJ and Connie.. what awful days for you too... and poor Metta.. there's nothing I can say except sorry...

Connie, You're right. I can't believe how angry I was. I felt like a tearful pressure cooker that just kept exploding. The only good thing I can say about the anger is that it was exhausting. Once I calmed down I went to bed and actually slept for more than 3 hours. That's the most sleep I've had at one time in weeks. I hope your day got calmer. I'm so sorry to hear about your car accident and son's dog. I can only imagine what it was like to lose that living reminder of your son. I am so very thankful for my granddaughter. It's bittersweet to look at her because she looks so much like her mommy.

Happy birthday to Randy in heaven. 

I felt so bad for you all... yesterday was the pitts... and poor METTA.. I know exactly what that feels like... all of a sudden nothing can stop the explosion... its as if we have to let it out or it will destroy us on the spot... then afterwards we feel like a deflated balloon and collapse in a pile on the bed or sofa and cry ourselves to sleep... then we wake up and find out again that it's not a nightmare.. its real.... and the pressure starts building up again... if we can't let it out however we need to its just too much to bear... its too much to bear anyway... too much...

hugs everybody...

I remember how much Brandon loved riding the waves... I don't think I will ever go back to the beach again without him... I hope they have waves to ride in heaven... I wish we could see into heaven.. touch into heaven... hear heaven...

Hello to everyone here it has been awhile. I read all your posts and know what everyone is feeling. Connie I am so sorry to hear about Daniel's dog dying. We still need the comfort of our animals to try to normalize something of the life we once had. I was watching my daughter's two year old dog three weeks ago when he ran across the dirt road and was hit. We took him to the vet and he seemed okay. I was away this past week and my daughter called me yesterday while driving home. It seems the dogs kidneys were injured and he is retaining water. The vet doesn't know if it was because of getting hit or he has a genetic problem. We will know more on Tuesday after they do an ultra-sound. Luckily I was with a friend who could drive us home. I immediately went into an emotional breakdown, knowing it was my fault this happened and reliving Kyra's accident. I cried so much yesterday and just hugged my daughter. She was in better shape than I was.  I am praying her dog can be mended.   I can not believe how quickly our emotions can go off the rails.  I met a lovely couple on the trip, who lost their 30 year old daughter ten years ago after having cancer. They were so kind and said the pain is still very much there, but the memories and joys are comforting and we go on still able to laugh. What a bond we have to other grieving parents. Love to everyone here, I am glad I felt able to post. Lynn

ever feel like this? I do...

My dreams about my son have been very few since he died almost 4 months ago.  Last night I dreamt about him. It was very short, but I remember hugging him. Then, not sure if it was a message from him, but just when I was waking up, I heard him say "I love you Mom, goodbye".  We never got to say goodbye... so I hope it was from him.

Thinking of all my dear friends on this forum. 

Sharon

Lynn  I am so sorry that happened to your daughter's pup. I will pray he is okay. I think of you often and am sending lots of love.

Sharon, it helps me to write down what I remember from dreams. sometimes my son is different ages. Sometimes I feel like its a visit and sometimes a dream. But I am grateful for anytime I can be with my son. I say thank you for that visit. Believe it - it will open your heart to more messages.

Hugs to everyone here.

cute kitty pic Dolly!

where has everyone gone?

Sadly, still here Dolly.  Quiet forum lately.  Hope that means that everyone is doing better.  For some reason, I felt worse this week. Made it to work, but many tears, and anxiety has returned.  One step forward, two steps back I guess.

Here dolly, I come and read and want to say many things , many things which will help us feel lighter but am unable to. Have been busy, my parents shifted to South India ( another ending) and for now my work is done here in India. Flying back to Boston and my by now eagerly waiting husband on the 4th of June. I'll be in touch and Dolly when you come to Boston, do message or email and we will meet up. Love to all xoxoxox

feeling anxious about the trip to Boston.. don't like leaving the house anymore.. guess its good I'm retired.. don't want to see people or talk to them.. don't want them looking at me wondering 'what happened to HER?' I have aged so drastically since Brandon died and I'm old to start with so now mirrors are my enemy... well for awhile now I guess.. but somehow it doesn't seem to matter anymore..

It has been quite, for me again sometimes I just don't know what to say to those of you who are so fresh. 

I'm 32 months in I realize while it's slow I'm moving in my grief and I'm learning to manage it.

For those who are new again I think I stay quite because I can't tell you it gets better instead I can only say you'll learn to manage it as others told me.

I wish I could offer magic words that would make these painful feelings go away but I can't.  I can only offer my own experience.

I am trying as hard as I can to wear my fake face, manage my grief and accept the changes that have to happen.

I have to learn how to:

accept I have no grandchildren

not to breakdown in public

answer questions about Michael

deal with his birthday

deal with holidays

wear my fake face

live without my Michael

I come to realize it will take me time to learn all of this. Am I there? No but I now accept this is my new reality.

Jill, RJ I remember being right where you are.  it's been 32 months and I still cry every single day.  It's now normal to me. Through you I know I have progressed.  In time you will too. 

I can't tell you my pain has lessoned all I can tell you is I'm learning to accept this is my reality and I have to accept changes and learn new things that seem simple to others.

In time you too will see that while it does not feel like time and your grief is not moving you will look at those behind you and see that you have.  Very small steps forward but forward.

I'm told by others that in time I will allow happy moments back into my life.  I'm not there but I look forward to that day.

Right now just allow yourself to grieve.

Coming up on 4 months for me too.  I think the numbness is wearing off, because the extreme pain and anxiety are both back. Just when I thought I was getting a little better... 

I guess this is the new "normal" that everyone talks about.

Teresa, thank you for your words of encouragement. Just knowing that other people have the same feelings as you, really helps.

I'm just trying to get up and live every day the best that I can do.  It's all I have left right now. It will have to be enough.

Teresa, it is 30 months for me, and much of what you wrote, I too am experiencing.

I think it was January this year, I was beginning to really wake up to the new reality...

We are still in trial with the girl who ran over my son. The trial date is in Sept almost 3 years and will take 2 days. In some ways perhaps it was better just to be able to have clearer thinking...but it definitely keeps you in that moment of time.

Wearing a fake face, I am doing more of that these days...which is why I am limiting myself in public as it is so exhausting.

Laurie I am so sorry that on top of this you have to go through the stress of reliving this in court.  I'm thinking of you and praying for a quick ending to it.  Your right this is very exhausting. As Dolly says, "it's like carrying a ton of cement on your back".

For me the first year I tried over and over to negotiate the situation with God, I went to bed every night hoping it was a nightmare and very disappointed every morning when I woke and my Michael was still gone. 

After 2 years reality hit me like a ton of bricks one day.  I no longer negotiate and I now know this is my reality.  When that day came I felt like I was getting the news all over again but this time I had to face this was VERY REAL! 

I'm just glad to be past that first year. I think it is the hardest because you don't want to face reality, you realize everything in your life is changing and you realize your not the same anymore.

I use to run in circles looking for things and yet I had no clue what I was looking for.  I was so sick to my stomach but no doctor could find a cause. I couldn't go anywhere without crying. Holidays hit me like a punishment.  Hell his birthday that first year I woke up went to the bathroom and hit the bathroom floor where I stayed all day.  I literally thought I was going to die that day. So many things I think of now and I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.

As I said I still cry everyday but it is more private now.  I talked to my Michael everyday and let him know I love him. There are days I fall back and need help getting back up. A few weeks ago I found the windex in the refrigerator.  But it's okay cause I'm no longer doing it daily.

I can't tell any of you what it will be like for you, I can only share what it has been like for me. 

Sharon your right you can only do what you can do. People don't realize we are not choosing to be this way.  They also don't realize how much we have to figure out in order to live again.

my husband was on the exercise bike and heard an instrumental on Pandora that he liked so after he was done on the bike he went to iTunes to buy it.. when he did, he found out the title of the song was "What are They Doing in Heaven Today?"... I have shared some of the other times things like this have happened to ME.. but my husband doesn't talk about the things that happen to HIM that much.. this one really got to us both... since Brandon was all about the music in life, and now it seems he is still with us through music.. I have been told all sorts of mean things like 'You are praying to the dead' which I refuse to believe... after all he isn't dead to start with, and I don't pray to him either... thank you Brandon.. or thank You God.. or whoever sent that song our way .... my husband later looked up another version with words by jorma kaukonen... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTZ5WoKW4VY

My husband had a similar experience after his dad died.. he was worried about whether or not his dad was still alive and in heaven and had asked God to reassure him about his dad.. shortly after that we were in a local restaurant and all of a sudden the juke box just started playing a song.. it had been silent for the whole time we were in there until it just started up and it played the song A Love Without Love, Amen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2af10YlLoc

so God doesn't just love His children now and again.. its a love without END... AMEN

Let us all KNOW our children are ALIVE and with YOU God..... let us feel the love they have for us still.. I know they do...

It's very hard for us to face reality while those around us have a real hard time facing us.  It is really hard for some to look at the grieving mother.  Some avoid us because they don't know what to say or do without realizing they don't need to say or do anything.

My friend gave me a letter to email to all of my friends and family. It's entitled "what I need". I was scared to do it, but I sent it and so far most have said that it was helpful to them.  If anyone would like to read it, I will send it to them.

I hear you Jill and Rj. People are afraid of us. We might be contagious, and we make them sad. We are not the same people that they knew before and they don't understand why.

Teresa, what you wrote very much spoke to where I am/and was at. I have had my days too, that I just lay on the floor, too blindsided to move. Thanks for the note back. I feel like I am walking across a ice-slicked pond...

As far as people avoiding the bereaved mom, the worst offender for this in my life turned out to be my "supposed BFF" who was in my life for more than 35 years. When things turned real bad shortly after the first month, she told me in a text to "go back to my own family" for this. Her and I had shared a long history, including her living with my family for a couple of years when her own threw her out in the streets.

Also, thinking of VP Joe Biden today as he just lost his second son. (His first wife and young son died in a car crash). 

Thank you all for sharing.

It helps all of us.

It helps to know there are others who live with this pain but are willing to help others.

You are good people.

Thank you.

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me. I had a small car accident last week . I hit a lady from behind who was going into a gas station and had stopped partially in the road (I guess someone was on front of her) Anyway I was at a stop sign and turned right and there she was. I couldn't stop in time. The impact sent me into a tailspin. She and her daughter were fine but All I can think is why couldn't my son have been okay. It brought me back to that night. I would trade places in a heartbeat so he could live his life. As time goes on, I wonder how I can do this forever. It the midst of all the graduations, new grandchildren, the swirl and joy of everyone's life around me, makes me feel so barren and sad can't even come close to describing it. Mostly I still feel like I failed him, that if I had done things better, he would still be here. It is an ongoing struggle with being a human I guess, On those dark days I draw my strength from Spirit and the fact that I need to somehow live worthily for my son. I saw a quote on TCF facebook grief toolbox that says it for me.

"I do not want your legacy to be that your death Permanently broke me. Your Life, Your Love and my love will sustain my survival."

I miss you my sweet Daniel. Love you always and forever

And love to all of you here. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Connie, I'm so sorry about your accident. It is so hard to drive and not be distracted by our thoughts of our loved ones. I'm so glad that you are getting strength right now. I'm not having much luck in that department.

Rj, so hard for us right now. Just when we thought we are getting a little stronger, things get worse. I guess that's why they save grief comes in waves. Some a little gentler, some very powerful. We just have to try to keep hanging onto our little life raft.

Linda, that you for your words of encouragement. For us "newbies" it means a lot.

Sharon

Linda, thank you for posting.  I am coming up on 5 years in July and I know what you wrote to be true.  I use to feel that gut wrenching pain where I would hide in the shower so no one could hear me but it has become a gentler pain for most of the time now.  I still think of my son constantly throughout most days.  

I am so sorry for the loss of you 'furbaby'.  I know they are part of the family and bring comfort.

Connie I am sorry about your accident.  I can relate as I had a minor one about 3 weeks ago.  Making a right hand turn but someone making a left hand turn did not yield the right away to me and we collided.  No personal injuries, but it does send us into a tailspin.  I can imagine how bad it was for you with bringing up Daniel's accident.  I couldn't even tell the officer what happened.  I just went into that numb, dazed state.  Hope you will feel better soon.

Hey everybody, haven't been here in over a week, it's hard to respond on my phone, but I've been keeping up with you all.  First off, thanks to everybody who said Happy Birthday and kind things about my Randy and Dolly, thank you for the beautiful birthday cake.  It was a heartwrenching day all the way around.  This time last year he was out of rehab and was doing really well.  The 6 month anniv. was one of the hardest days ever and last week was 7 months.  Those dates just about do you in.  We went away to our house in AZ and it was good to be gone.  None of the everyday reminders here in Long Beach where he grew up.  To those of you that are new, the days do get somewhat easier I guess even though I believe we will always be missing a part of us and will feel a pain inside of everyday and every minute knowing we wont see our babies again.  It's a terrible thing but all we can do is move forward there is no other choice and some days are definitely harder then others.  Laurie - its hard to imagine that your BF of all those years would tell you to turn to your family.  But as we all agree - nobody knows what to say or do and I understand but it hurts me very much. 

I have worked with the people in my small office for over 25 years and they don't know what to say. They go along and act like all is ok while I am crumbling inside and do not want to be here at all.  I HAD a really close friend here and now we hardly speak because she doesn't know what to say at all, just a hug, a pat on the shoulder, anything would be better then nothing and it pisses me off.  I am angry at everybody and their normal lives and I also sit around and feel the guilt, what if I did something more, what if I tried harder what if.... my brain gets so friggin tired of thinking.

I also feel so bad for Joe Biden, to lose 2 children and his first wife...my heart hurts for him and all of us on here.  Thanks for always being here and listening.  I miss my Randy so much, my heart is aching very much today.. hugs to everybody.

Oh Jill I'm so sorry to hear about you son's job. It's not fair. I know how you feel. Just want it all to stop. Even for a moment. Your boy needs you so though.  You are here to remind him that he wonderful just the way he is and I believe another job will come for him. Sending you lots of love and prayers

Jill, it is much harder for us when the world is unfair and unkind to our kids. When my son was hospitalized for 3 weeks with pancreatitis caused by a medication he was given for his Crohn's disease. he missed the auditions for the high school jazz band. He had been dreaming of being in that for 3 years , ever since 7th grade. He was very talented, dedicated musician and the music teacher could have made an exception because of his health to gibe him a late audition or even hold a spot for him.  But he didn't and Daniel was heartbroken. His next year  went downhill for many reasons and I still to this day believe that if he had been in that prestigious jazz band, his life would have somehow turned out differently, that MAYBE he would still be here. Why can't just go the way we want them to? I don't know. But Daniel then began making different music and learned other skills. Your son Derek has overcome many things to earn his degree. And I know he was excited about this new job but just because he can't excel at InDesign DOES NOT diminish any of his talents, determination and skills that he does have. Sometimes jobs don't work out for many reasons. As much of a set back as this seems (as God knows your family has been through setbacks and hell this year) you know that you have already weathered the worst. With your love and support , Derek will find something better suited to him and one that will make him happier. these are the normal things that happen in life that can now seem insurmountable, everything is just harder. Take a deep breath and have faith that your Derek has a guardian angel watching over him who will guide and protect him. Just believe it.

As far as whether to quit or be fired, I would find out what the compensation if he is fired. If he is fired I believe he is then entitled to unemployment but not if he quits. Check that for your state. also know this – I am a graphic designer by trade and InDesign is a professional program for graphic designers. It is not a simple program and if you've never had any experience with these more sophisticated page layout programs, it ca be overwhelming. He shouldn't HAVE to learn that program to be a writer for Peet's sake! I am sorry they are putting this pressure on him to improve immediately. The fact that he has put so much time and money into trying to get up to speed shows his work ethic and I would just let them fire me because I would have the proof that I had tried my best. Anyway, I sure hope it resolves one way other the other so you all can regroup. Remind Derek if he does get fired that lots of famous and successful people were fired too!! Remember on American Idol when Simon Cowl said that Jennifer Hudson wasn't going to make it in the music business and she was voted off? RK Rowlings was fired as a secretary from Amnesty International before hitting it big with Harry Potter. If she hadn't been fired, she may have never had the time to write that! Oprah Winfrey was fired as a news reporter from her tv station in Baltimore. So she moved to Chicago, she got a segment on a local news show called "AM Chicago" (I happened to sing on that jingle- lol) Well the rest is history.... She like the richest women in entertainment. Don't feel defeated and don't let Derek feel defeated. This is just a stepping stone - maybe you will have to jump a little but I am so glad he has you there to support him. Hang in there. we are all here for you. Sending lots of love