I feel the same way Dolly, very empty, sometimes there is a distraction but it's always back to the same empty, sad feeling.  I haven't had any signs like those, I sure do want them.. many hugs

Will this winter ever end. I too have been feeling so sad and miss my daughter Kyra so mush. I have been feeling so house bound with temps averaging 5 degrees this month. I still have the last phone message Kyra left on my cell phone the day before she died and I replayed it today' I just needed to hear her voice again. Love to everyone here and thank you. Just coming to this page lets me know I am not alone and there are people who understand. I am so sorry for your loss Denise we are here for you. 

Hi Lynn - I too have the last phone message from my son the night before he passed.  Not brave enough to listen to it yet - I have the words in my head from that message though and I keep playing it over in my mind.  Perhaps on the one year anniversary I'll listen.  I also have the last texts we exchanged on the eve of that last night.  We both said "I love you", I even added about 12 little hearts!  Also he told me what a great day he had, which makes me feel good to know that his last day on earth was a pleasant one.  Of course it doesn't erase the deep deep pain and sorrow I have though it does ease my mind somewhat.  

I'm comforted in knowing there's a place to go to where others can relate to my despair.  Take care

Thanks Connie for the kind wishes...

I have only been to the accident site twice, so hard...so very hard...

We have kept our son's phone on, just so we can call it and hear his voice once again. I am not sure when we will turn it off...probably not for a long time.

I recorded his message using Audacity, a sound recording free software, just in case something goes wrong and the recording gets lost. Saved and resaved his message on CDs, computer hard drives...

I find that Saturdays, and the day of his death harder. The weekend comes and I think about what we should be doing and are not.

Yesterday, I went to the local hotel to go into the pool area. They offer a day pass for a small fee to go into their pool area. It was nice to be warmed up again after all this cold, and the sun shining through all the windows helped a little too.

Hi Laurie,

We still haven't turned off my sons phone either... I know it's crazy, but it give us confort to text him...  Tomorrow is one month since my son was taken from us.  Seems like so long ago.  I miss him so much. Pain is still intense.  I'm glad that you had a little mini retreat yesterday... you deserve it!  Take care.

Sharon

I still have my son's phone on after 2 years also. I still send him messages and sometimes I'll notice that my mom has too. I still have his facebook page active and occasionally a friend will send a message and it makes me feel good to know he has  never been forgotten by his friends (some I never met) and that they have somewhere to express that. He had a very strong impact on so many people. He has taught me many lessons...

Today is the funeral for a friend's 25 y.o. son who passed a few weeks ago from a heart attack from heroin overdose. I had every intention of going but now I'm not sure if I can. I know they would understand if I don't.  But I know how important it was to be supported on that awful day. I still don't know how I got through it except for that half xanax

I think I will go and give my friend the Martha Whitaker book that helps me still - Healing After Loss. I can make an appearance and see how it goes. My husband has to work so I have to go alone. Everything is so difficult

Thanks Sheri for the kind wishes, when I find something that may help even in the smallest degree, I try to share it.

Connie, will send a prayer for you, these things can be difficult to face after loss. I still have my prescription of Lorazepam 0.5 mg and do have to take some on those hard occasions.

Also, Connie, I had a question about the drumming memorial you have for your son, can you share what a little more detail? I had another mom ask for ideas for memorial after the one year mark and thought of what you did.

Connie, do you mind if I pass this information along to the other mom? I think she lives in southern California...

Laurie by all means. The teacher's name is Gerald Rivers and she can find all his info online. He is also an actor and is famous for giving Martin Luther King Jr speeches.

Haniyyah

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost  3children. Two in the womb and my 17 year old son 2 years ago. One child was early in the pregnancy but I lost my daughter Emily Rose at 5 months during my pregnancy. It was devastating. There are specific grief support groups just for your sad experience. try to see if you have a local chapter of the Compassionate Friends. It is a national organization and they have a sub-group for pregnancy and infant loss. It is different and carries it 's own unique challenges. There may be one on this site also I'm not sure. Know this, your child is okay and their spirit lives on as does the love between you does. And though you will mourn him or her forever, you are so young that I hope you can go on to heal to the point that you can have other children when you feel ready. I know that horrible feeling of feeling so consumed with life during pregnancy and then to have that baby die inside you. I felt like a tomb. I would recommend getting counseling  also if you can. But we are here for you and understand how devastating it all is. You can express what ever you need to safely and know that you are not alone.

Jill

 your daughter-in-law very well could be a functioning alcoholic. What an incredibly insensitive thing to post inline!

Yes Jill, that was a sign from your Josh. I know how any tiny sign from our loved ones bring such joy to us.  I hope your daughter in law will come around and give up some of your sons belongings.  Sounds like she needs to get some help.  

Thank you for your kind words Jill.  I hope your move goes smoothly. 

all my sweet friends... I have just joined an online church that is helping me deal with all the things that have been happening to me since my husband was diagnosed and my precious Brandon died.... I have no church that I 'go to' around here and these people just started the online church recently.. I had been getting their "Daily Word" emails ever since I found them on another Christian site and reading their words has really affected me, so when they started the online church I decided to join... it seems to keep me turning to God to find relief when everything seems to be falling apart again.. and again...and again.. so maybe someone in here may be helped by this site:

http://www.refreshinghope.org

Jill, my Michael loved his jersey's.  At first my intention was to give each of my nieces and nephews one of his jerseys, but when the time came I couldn't part with them.  I couldn't give them away, I couldn't pack them away yet I knew my closet couldn't handle the weight of them either. 

In the end my daughter took them and this is what she had done with them.

My daughter had one made for dad and one made for me.  I still have some of his jerseys left.  I even kept the bag of scraps and had a shirt made from them for a teddy bear to give to his best friends little girl.  She kept asking where is Uncle Mike and it broke my heart so I wanted to give her a piece of "Uncle Mike".  

Everything is a process and takes time. 

Denise I think anything we can do that celebrates our children is good.. I have a hard time doing it myself.. for some reason I guess down inside it feels like I'm admitting he's really gone and a part of me still wants to NOT BELIEVE that... I believe our kids are still alive somewhere, but I don't want to admit to myself that they are never coming back to this earth.. consciously I know this but part of me still screams in denial and anger inside where I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time... I do flowers and keep his room open to see in and I talk to him and sing to him.. sometimes I light a candle on his little table I keep in the corner where he used to sit to eat... I think the quilt idea is great too but have never been able to get up the energy to organize it for myself... I gave most of his clothes to his brother since they both wore them interchangeably anyway so that way its not such a shock to see them being worn by someone else... I've given away lots of toys, and have had some stolen from me by a former caregiver to my other son.. that's how she became a 'former' caregiver.. some people are just the pits... I say anything you want to do you should do and what you don't want to do... don't do... its the only control we have at all over this horror we are living..hugs to you... also there is a site where I started a group of remembrance.. the people running the site seem real so far... its a Christian site and my experience with organized churches hasn't been great in the past ..anyway you might want to join me there in my group to celebrate our sons... its: http://www.refreshinghope.org

here is my boy.. its a pic from way back when we first adopted him... he was about 4 and I was about 50 then ... he died when he was 22..in 2013... suddenly and without warning... I'll never be the same...

I put this pic in because its the one I use on the site I mentioned so you can identify me easily if you do decide to check it out...

Hello Teresa...and Connie.. and Jill... sorry I don't come in here very often anymore... I miss you guys a lot but we are fighting so many battles right now... in about a week my husband has to go find out when they will do his goiter removal surgery . we have to go to Charlottsville VA to see a world renowned surgeon there .. a Dr. Levine...and then we will have the surgery scheduled I guess.. and we are still trying to stop the 42" gas line from going in front of our little mountain house..  and my husband is trying to get back to officially being in remission after the setback last month... so most days I have nothing left to say... love you guys

Hey there...Teresa, that is a beautiful jersey quilt, I love that. Dolly, that's such a nice pic of you and your son and I'm so sorry for all the stuff you are having to deal with, that is all so hard.  Denise, I think you can only do what feels right to you.  Whatever will feel right to us on our babies birthdays is what we should do.  I know it will be a very hard day and I'm already dreading it.  Randy's bday is in May and already wondering how to cope with the day.  I'm really busy at work right now so keeping me somewhat distracted, but the ache and hole in my heart is there every minute and the tears always try to come.  Always thinking about everybody here. Much love

Don't even worry about it Jill, she is being such a selfish bitch.  I can't understand why she is being so mean. You as his mother deserve to have some of his stuff that you asked for.  I don't understand people at all.  I'm so very sorry.  Is there any way you can ask one more time and be very specific about what you want before you move? So sorry she is so mean.

Teresa - I am finally having the blanket made with my son's t-shirts in time for his birthday this year. It will be a surprise for his dad.

Jill I am so sorry your daughter in law is being like this. Perhaps in a bit you can write her a letter explaining that your husband had a right to his opinion but that doesn't mean she should punish you by withholding something that might help you have a little peace. Sometimes in a letter you can express yourself easier. How was it interacting with her when you met?

Jill no one can take your son from you.  No matter where you move or where you go he will always be in your heart.  I'm sorry this has to be so toxic between the two of you because no matter what the circumstances I'm sure you both hurt.

As parents, no one understands or gets the pain we experience.  This is a place I wouldn't want to see my worst enemy enter.  Sometimes we want so much to be angry and to find someone, if even ourselves, to blame. 

I get as a mother why you would want to have items you know were important to him but I think right now the grief the two of you are feeling is getting in the way. 

I agree with Connie, I would try to express what items you would like and try to explain to her why you would like to have them.  Leave the anger and issues out of it and appeal to her heart. If she continues to withhold them well.....cherish what you do have and remember he will always be in your heart.

For me after Michael left everything became a process and I had to do that process in my own time.  Like the quilt there was a process I had to go through to get there.  I have the bag of scraps but can't open it and look at it because then I have to face I let someone cut his jersey's up even though the quilts are wonderful to have.  It's a process....

Connie I hope you decided to have your drum circle and I would love to see your blanket when it's done. 

Dolly I love that picture.  Brandon has the biggest brightest smile ever.  He always looks so happy.  Sorry to hear so much is going on for you.  I will keep you guys in my prayers.   

Denise I think celebrating your son's birthday with family and friends is a beautiful idea. 

Jill

I am so sorry for what you are having to go through.

It must be very difficult.

One day at a time, one minute at a time.

Hang in there.

Sorry - i need to vent!! It takes so much energy to get through normal life. Do you all just suddenly feel so overwhelmed you just wonder if you can do it?

One of my kitties got very sick this week. They think it's Lymphoma. He ad a 106 temp and I didn't think he was going to make it but they are controlling the infection. now off to the oncology specialist vet! This kitty has helped me through this grief so much. He sleeps on a pillow behind my head every night and purrs and purrs.Then Sat night in the middle of the night the dog had another epileptic seizure. He's okay  but I guess we are going to have to put him on hard core drugs.

Now in the meantime I had to replace the granite and backsplash in my kitchen because it had cracked and the sub counter was dry rotting. They finished Sat and the grout color is supposed to be white and it's gray. After all we've been through you'd think just let it go. Who cares about that. But every time I walk in the kitchen my heart sinks a little more. Because it was supposed to match an area  it butts up to. For peet's sake it's white tile with white grout. I don't want to deal with the contractor and have conflict and redo etc. But I also feel life is too short to settle for something you paid for and have to look at every day. Instead it just makes me sad and overwhelmed. But I will probably make them redo it, it just feels like a giant hill to climb. All I want to think about is my precious kitty and pup. (Only kids I have left.) It's ike I just can't stand one more stupid thing to go wrong....

Your right Connie it does take a lot of energy to get through the day.  Feeling "lost" and "overwhelmed" are my new norms.

I thought as time went things would get easier.  But No.  All the sudden I found myself facing reality.  I no longer try to negotiate the situation.  I know when I wake up it won't be different.  It took me 2 years to admit this to myself. 

I try to live everyday for Michael.  I know he's not on earth but I still look for him everyday.  I talk  to him and yea I answer for him too. There's days I have to tell myself he is holding my hand just to get myself to calm down.

A friend last week told me she was proud of how far I have come.  I'm only getting better at wearing the fake face.  I can't stop the tears but I now hold them for when I'm alone so I guess I'm getting better at "managing" it too.

I feel the same Teresa

Oh Lynn I know what you mean. It's strange but I really don't like to look at the memorial rock at Daniel's garden at his school. I hate that it's "etched in stone". Makes me want to throw up and I can't breath for a moment when I see it at first Hugs

Lynn HUGS. Everything for me has become a process.  Take your time, do it when your ready and do it how you need to. 

Connie as hard as it is I think that is so sweet that his school added the stone to the garden.  At the same time I get why it is so hard to look at. 

((Lynn)) I just went through the same thing. My son died about 5 weeks ago.  We just buried his ashes last Friday.  We had bought a plot, and a gravemarker... then when we got his ashes, I started crying hysterically and told my husband that maybe we should just keep them at the house.  After a few days, I calmed down and decided to go ahead and bury them next to my mom.  I have a small keepsake urn at my house in a little memorial I made for him.  Some days it gives me comfort to see the memorial, and some days I can't go in that room.  Life is so hard right now.  Pain is still so intense.

Sharon

My Michael is inside a marble box. I went from a great phone conversation to a marble box being handed to me.  His face is engraved on the box with his name and dates.  It sits on my dresser, it is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep.  No morning starts without a tear but I just can't put it any other place than where it is. 

I know my Michael isn't in there, just his remains, but I too talk to the box, hug the box, and I cry to the box. 

It's a double sharp blade.  I have a hard time every morning looking at it but at the same time I can't put it away or part with it.  Some day I hope to be able to look at it and not cry.  Just not there yet.