Missing my Son or Daughter

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For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.

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Dolly

except my hat's fuzzy and lilac colored with bling on the front.....

Feb 23, 2015
Sharon

Oh Dolly, seems that you have a lot on your plate right now. You have a right to look like Maxine. I think I've aged 10 years in the last 2 weeks. Purple is my favorite color, and I'm glad you have bling. Huggs

Feb 23, 2015
Teresa D.

Jill regardless what someone else does you have to do what is right for you at the time you feel you should. There is no cookie cutter answers in any of this for any of us.

I think wanting to move closer to my child is different than making a major move just to move. Although we all know any move can be stressful.

Right now is the time to become selfish. Do what is right for you.

Dolly I am so sorry they are threatening Brandon's space on that mountain. I'm also sorry you have to put on your tough girl armor and fight them. I'm praying for your victory.

Now that Michael's birthday has passed I'm coming out of the hole I fell in. I feel like I can breathe again.

Feb 24, 2015
Sandy Hendrix

Dolly, love the Maxine cartoon and purple is my favorite color too. The days are very hard, thanks everybody for being here and being supportive. Very lost and sad without my Randy.

Feb 24, 2015
Marie

It has been a while since I have been on. Birthday blessings to Brandon and Greta. Next Friday, 2/6 will be the six month of losing my son. I feel like I want to do something special in his honor, but I don't know what. Do any of you have any ideas? How do you get through those dates? Every sixth of the month about kills me, I don't know how I will get through the six month date. It is still so unbelievable to me that he is gone!!

Feb 24, 2015
Sharon

Having such a bad day. One minute I feel horrible anxiety, and the next I'm exhausted and sleep. I don't know much longer I can take feeling like this.

Feb 24, 2015
Connie K

I know Sharon the idea of no relief EVER is daunting...

Marie _ i understand that DAY. For me it's every Saturday night. He died at 8:20pm. I don;t ever want to do anything.

I have done different things to honor my son on special days. I have done a balloon release with 5 of his closest friends. we all wrote a message and attached it to the balloons and sent them up together. It was nice for them to be together again and express their feelings. The first birthday he was gone my husband got a tattoo that matched one Daniel had. Last year we did a African drum circle with friends and family and that was awesome. He was a drummer. It is just good to plan Something even if talking a walk in a beautiful place or doing something that your child loved to do. I loved the drum circle because I didn't have to lead anything or host, just participate. Everyone could feel that my Daniel was there with us and everyone enjoyed such a positive and fun activity. I think I want to do it again this year.

Feb 24, 2015
Sharon

Marie... I know how you feel. I can't believe my son is gone too. I miss him sooooo much. It's hard to go on...

Feb 24, 2015
Marie

Thank you, Connie for the ideas. I like the ballon idea. I think we may do that.

Sharon, I am sorry for your loss. It is just so hard. My son was a month away from turning 23 when he died. He had just returned to college that week and died from an accidental heroin overdose. I am still stunned.

Feb 25, 2015
Teresa D.

Feb 27, 2015
Maureen

I like that Teresa. I know there's probably some of you out there that might think I'm crazy but I saw a medium yesterday. It went really well. She brought up things about what's been going on in mine and my daughters lives lately that she possibly couldn't know. All the things that have happened since my son passed that are like signs that he's still with me were validated. Some personal things that my son wanted us to know really helped and I feel like the healing can begin now.

Feb 27, 2015
Sandy Hendrix

I like that too Teresa, sure is true.

Today is 4 months for me and it's been a really hard week, I am so down and so sad and I miss my Randy more then words can express.

Maureen, that is very interesting and I'm so glad it went well for you. Maybe I should try that, I don't have any signs and I need them so much.

Hugs to everybody.. x0

Feb 27, 2015
Maureen

Sandy, what she told me is that sometimes we look too hard for these big signs that we miss the little signs that they show us all the time. If you're going to do it, make sure you check out the medium you choose. There are a lot of people out there who try to make money off of people who are vulnerable...like us. The reason I chose her is because of a dream I had of my son.

Feb 27, 2015
Jill E

I too look for signs. Sometimes I feel like I am looking too hard. The couple I have seen my logical mind wants to pop in and tell me that I am just "imagining it", that it really could not be a sign. Then I look at it again and I think if I had not been there at that time and place at that moment I would not have seen it. Like the car driving by that looked like the car Josh and I bought for him over 10 years ago and it is not a really common car not common color. When I go to bed at night I want to feel his arms going around me and telling me "I love you Mommas" just like he use to. Right before they intubated him he said that to me but since that day I doubt myself...I know I wanted to hear that and I swear he looked me in the eye and said it before he could not speak any longer. I believe it was the last thing he spoke. To me his Mommas. Not to his wife but to me his Mommas. Then like I said I go doubting myself. Did I hear it because I "wanted" to hear it. Did it really happen??? I am so confused. If it really did happen I feel that was his way of saying he was sorry. I still can't believe he is gone. His smile, his laugh, his refusal to smile when a camera was around, his love. How could he be gone so quickly. How could he be gone so young. How can anyone survive a mother's pain like this . These last three months have seemed so long and yet it is all so fresh. How can it feel so long ago but also just yesterday? I lone you my Joshie and miss you everyday more than the one before. I pray to hold you once again in my arms. I pray there is somewhere we will be together. Peace

Feb 27, 2015
Sharon

My son has sent me 3 signs... One being a pin that you pin on yourself that says Emmanuel. I walked in my backyard... And it was laying on the grass. I looked it up and Hebrew meaning is"with God". I'm not very religious, but It made me feel a little better...

Feb 27, 2015
Sandy Hendrix

Jill, I feel the same, I can't believe he's one, I miss his smile, his sense of humor, all of it, laughing with his friends...calling me MOM or Mamacita sometimes, these last 2 weeks have practically ben unbearable for me, the pain is so deep and so awful. 4 months today. I want to fix it I want to make him happy and not do drugs. I cancelled lunch on him 2 days before and I am really beating myself up. I didn't even get to see him. I don't know how we are supposed to go on, cus I don't even feel like I want to.

Feb 27, 2015
Jill E

I too look back all the times I should have done this or seen that. It kills me that I noticed his eyes turning yellow but he brushed it off, then his wife saw him everyday...she saw his eyes...she had to have seen them getting worse. I want to scream at her so badly and shake her. Ask her how could she not have seen the horrible physical changes he was going through. That he had a drink next to the bed and when he woke up it was empty. When they fought over his drinking for 2 years and I never even knew he drank more than a couple of beers a week. Wow guess I needed to let that out. She is such a procrastinator. I am a doer. She should be looking into why the emergency room staff did not see his purple legs back in October when he had 12 staples put into a gash on his leg. Then when he had them taken out??? Why is she not checking it out?? Mothers don't have much voice when there is a wife. Why did she not ask for an autopsy...

Feb 27, 2015
Jill E

Sorry to all the male readers out there but I have to ask...I am 56 years old and have been post-menopause for years. I had what was a very slight bleeding in late December the moth I lost Josh, last month the same thing, just a couple of days, well this month it is full fledged. I have read it can be from stress, back 2 years ago I had just a bit of the same when my husband had his heart attack. OBGYN did tests and biopsy etc. and all was basically well except for a thinning of the lining. So of course I am now freaked out, stressed out because I have it again only worse and of course can't see him for another week and a half. Anyone had anything like this happen?

Feb 27, 2015
Maureen

Jill, I know it's hard to not be angry at your daughter-in-law. You think she should've taken care of him. As an ex-wife of an alcoholic I know though that she had absolutely no control over the situation. You know your body. He knew his too. This was your sons doing. He did this. Not her and not you. He brushed off the comment about his eyes because he chose to. Maybe he was in denial about how sick he was, but that wS also his choice. He was a grown man and if he chose not to do anything to help himself, that's his choice. Does that make sense?

Feb 27, 2015
Jill E

I need/want sleep, please!!!

Feb 28, 2015
Dick

I have had two scary dreams about my son and I heard someone call "Dad" as I was leaving the house 1 month ago. I am going mad, I am sure.

Mar 1, 2015
Teresa D.

Dick your not going crazy. I swear I feel someone tapping my head and one day I smelled Michael (the smell he had after a hard day of work) to the point I jumped up and really expected him to be standing there. But he wasn't.

Mar 1, 2015
Maureen

Dick, I don't know if you believe in this sort of thing or not but my daughter had been having bad dreams about my son and when we saw the medium she told her this: he will NEVER come to you in a bad dream. Any bad dreams you have are All you. Also, my phone rings every once in a while and no one is there. One time I picked up and I swear I heard my son say "mommy" but it was very quiet and sounded far away. The medium I saw confirmed that all of the things or signs that I've seen or heard that I wonder about, are our loved ones trying to let us know they are there.

Mar 1, 2015
Dolly

DICK nothing is impossible with God... nothing..

Mar 1, 2015
Dolly

I smell Lilies where there are none.. over and over.... and lilies is my flower of choice for Brandon's little corner... I don't know why except it is....

Mar 1, 2015
Dolly

they want to put that horrible gas line... the width of a 6 lane highway right of way... RIGHT in front of our little mountain house.... like through the 5 acres that border us just down about where my little dancing tree lives.. where the deer go to graze and listen to us play music out the front doors, and the owl perched on that limb to tell us about the rattlesnake that was on his way up the hill towards our house... and the two scarlet tanagers went to take turns eating right out front of the open front doors... and they are SO shy.. in all these years I've only seen them two or three times in the tiptops of the trees...

Mar 1, 2015
Dolly

so we can send natural gas to China probably.... what are they going to MAKE with it... hopefully it won't come back AT us one of these days...

Mar 1, 2015
Dolly

the Word says 'no evil formed against us shall prosper' and this seems evil to me... they are already sending out threatening letters to landowners saying they'll prosecute anyone who doesn't allow them to survey.... they can't legally DO that but they count on WV peeps to be a tad slow I gess.... yep we show iz..

Mar 1, 2015
Maureen

How terrible! Sending you love and positive energy

Mar 1, 2015
Dolly

thanks Maureen... and we live in the absolute middle of NOWHERE too... can't get away from it ever I guess..

Mar 1, 2015
Connie K

Dolly that's terrible. I'm so sorry. i have a friend who owns land in NY state and she battled for years to prevent them from doing this. Not sure if it's over. There's just no respect for our mother earth

Mar 2, 2015
Sandy Hendrix

Hey Jill, about your post from the other day, your heavy bleeding is totally stress. I dealt with it a few years ago and it was absolutely horrible! When they heard how bad it was (and clots and GROSS), they had me come right in and gave me a shot of some hormone that made it almost stop. I don't remember which one now..prejesterone? Maybe and I don't know how to spell it. If it's really really bad, I think I would call them back. Good luck, I know how horrible it can be! x0

Mar 2, 2015
Jill E

Thank you Sandy!!! Thank Goodness it has stopped! I had biopsies last time and he said it was stress but it is reassuring to hear it from someone else that has experienced it. I think we all know how we feel that we are the only ones that has had such a horrible thing happen. That sounds kind of stupid but I think you know what I mean. That we are not alone

Mar 2, 2015
Sandy Hendrix

Oh Jill, that is good to hear.. I know how bad it can get! I had that issue for a few years, it was beyond bad, I had the biopsy too, that hurts!

It sure feels like we are all alone, doesn't it?

Mar 2, 2015
Jill E

It sure does. Thank goodness for this site. I don't feel so alone.

Mar 2, 2015
Connie K

Jill I'm sure the stress is affecting you and your hormones. If it's hormone related you can also get a progesterone cream that works great ( I think it's called Progest). Its all natural and you just rub it in. I used to get it at Whole Foods. I had breast cancer so now I can't take anything to balance my hormones wheee! But the chemo forced me through menopause anyway. I use to use it prior to that. That must have been scary for you

Mar 2, 2015
Jill E

Thank you! I truly appreciate it. I am going to go get some. I have a Whole Foods right down the street. Hugs!

Mar 2, 2015
Jane P

2 years, three months, 1 day, since you left.

I miss you , Danielle, I really, really miss you.

There is no life without you, you cannot be replaced.

I am empty.

I am broken.

I am sad.

Mar 3, 2015
Connie K

Jane - so true. As you know we lost our children one day apart. I am right there with you. Yes time helps us manage the pain better and come to accept but never changes the crushing reality of this pain, the missing, missing, missing. I just want him to come home....

Mar 3, 2015
Denise

Anyone here I'm new?

Mar 3, 2015
Denise

Thank you for inviting me and the nice comments. I lost my only son at age 8 in a car accident and I was driving. I blacked out and ran off the side of the road (maybe not even a mile to our house is even worse). I was not drinking or doing drugs but of course that's the first question everyone asks. I don't do either. I was wondering is there anyone here that has been in the same situation? I have a cousin that their son was in a boating accident and was telling me how she felt but I told her it is terrible for anyone to go through this but she wasn't the one driving that boat. I feel like it is my fault my son is in heaven because I was driving but I have no idea why I blacked out . I'm going through greiving and guilt . It was 5 months ago and right before Halloween and the rest of the holidays of the year :( . This is totally horrible and it's hard just to keep on breathing without him. He was my life. Always with me when not at school and I even told him not long before this happened I would homeschool him so he didn't have to leave me :( . He was healthy,smart,always smiling never met a stranger and active in sports. It's just not fair for him to be in heaven and not me. I should be the one because I've lived my life. I wished I was in the ground right beside him.

Mar 4, 2015
Teresa D.

Denise I'm so sorry you have to join us. I haven't been in the same situation other than I know what it feels like to lose my son. But I will listen to you, share tears with you, and try to support you.

Mar 4, 2015
Sandy Hendrix

Oh Denise, I'm so very very sorry to hear of your loss of your son, the circumstances are terrible. Please know that we are all here with you and understand the awful pain that we are all in from losing our children. Much love to you.

Mar 4, 2015
Maureen

So sorry Denise! I hate that your son was taken from you and I hate that circumstances cause you to blame yourself. I can imagine how terrible you are feeling. My son has been gone now for over 4 months and I also feel extreme guilt but for very different reasons.

Mar 4, 2015
Marie

I am so sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Bad things just happen in life. I think we all feel guilt, just part of being a mom. I know yours is unique to you, but people are here to listen. Hugs and prayers.

Mar 4, 2015
Ammy

I haven't posted for awhile. I just had to take a break. I am so sorry to see all the new moms that are here. My heart sincerely goes out to you as you begin this life changing journey.
This past holiday season was our 5th without our son and it was actually one of the hardest. Each time I start to think that things are getting easier it seems to come back stronger. Is it the realization of how long it has been? Is it seeing the changes in others and ourselves and knowing we will not know what changes they would be having? This morning I found myself wondering if my son's hair would be turning gray now. Where do these crazy thoughts come from?
From Thanksgiving to the New Year was a real battle. Trying to put on the happy face for family and friends. I still feel like I have a monster hangover (and I don't drink) from the stress. And with my struggles to put on that happy face around others I was also thinking of you all and the struggles you were having. But now that the quietness has returned and everyone has gone back to their active lives I feel I am once again alone in the daily realization that he is not here. I truly feel so alone and abandoned.
My heart also aches for you, for all of us, and hopes that time will somehow bring gentler times during this year and especially on your special dates. We will never stop loving and missing our child(ren) because the love and memories of our loved ones are stored in us forever. As the days, weeks, and months have now passed away into years I know that the door to memories will never be closed. And sometimes I don't like the memories because the tears come, and once again I break my promise to myself not to go to that dark place. It's a constant battle between remembering and trying to forget that he is not here. This is still a daily battle, but thankfully it's not as intense as it was. And most of the time I do embrace the memories, both the good and the bad, because pictures and memories are what I now have even though they will never be enough. But this is what I'm left with.
Know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers even when I'm not here.

Mar 5, 2015
Connie K

Ammy - it's good to hear from you. I have no words today. I just got back from the accident site where I keep flowers. Just sending everyone here old and new all the love and prayers I can send to help heal our crushed hearts...

Mar 5, 2015
Teresa D.

Ditto Ammy!

Nice to hear from you!

Mar 6, 2015
Dolly

I think everything I could possibly say I have said over and over and now I just feel emptiness that seems a permanent fixture in my heart.. its not that I don't feel immense thankfulness that I still have others I love here on earth with me.. its just that that fact never seems to change or fill the emptiness... its just there ... I miss my Brandon... that's just how it is... I desire to be in the heavenly realms as much as is possible when one is still a mere human.. not sure if its possible really...but sometimes it seems like there is a sort of crossover between here and heaven that gives us glimpses... those glimpses give me the only peace I've been able to find about his death..

Mar 6, 2015
Dolly

the scent of lilies, a rare sighting of a wild creature, a sound with no explanation, lights doing their own thing...

Mar 6, 2015