Hey Maureen, I'm so sorry, that's a bunch of BS, I have a lot of issues with my ex and his role.  We sold our house last April, even though we had been split up for 9 years and I knew my son had been using bad drugs and his dad kept saying - kids experiment - it would make me so damn mad I couldn't stand it! So in April (after Randy got out of rehab for heroin, coke, weed, etc) he went with his dad and my daughter came with me.  His dad didn't make him go to meetings, didn't make him have a curfew, Randy could come and go as he pleased.  He paid his cell phone, gave him spending money and whenever I asked if he was using again, he would say - I don't think so, I even asked him the friggin night before he found Ran.  I have a lot of blame, I know Randy was responsible for his own actions but.... that morning his dad said - I should have been more strict....REALLY!!!!!! OMG What a jerk.  I'm with you - I keep asking why and what if, and why didn't I do something?

Maureen, you have to be honest, I have never said to my ex's face that I think he played a big role in this because I think he has his own guilt do deal with and he found Randy, which I wouldn't wish on anybody, but like I said, the way he just let him run around and do anything and never even check his room or make him accountable for anything was just beyond me. I still blame him and it's ok for us to say anything on here, we have to and we can be completely honest.  I should have been stronger and should have done more, but when I felt so helpless with NO help from the dad, I didn't know what to do, call the police and have Randy arrested? I don't know...I struggle with these thoughts all the time but nothing can be changed now and the only person these thoughts hurt is me.  I totally relate to what you are saying though... big hugs and I'm sure you'll be a good mom and a good grandmother...

It must be very frustrating to have had your children under someone else's roof and influence who don't take the appropriate responsibility. You have a right to be angry at them for sure. If only the anger would change anything....all our kids would be home. My counselor always had great ideas to take out my anger. Buy cheap pillows and rip them apart. She also told me that once she bought a bunch of cheap plates and smashed them in the trash can one by one. (wear eye protection!!) Somehow try to release the anger. The first year I would hike to the top of the mountain where my son used to go with his friends. They have erected a sweet wooden cross that they all signed and put it there. I would scream my head off as loud as I could and curse the driver and the world and blamed myself for also being too lenient (I still do). We have to find a way to release it so it doesn't hurt us worse and hopefully little by little we can all begin to heal. Hugs to all of you. We are just human and I think we all did our best to be good moms.

It took me until my son died to forgive my dad for some of the horrible abuse we suffered from him. I just don't have to energy for it anymore and it only made me unsatisfied and bitter for so many years which did affect the way I acted towards my husband and son. I realize now that it was a huge waste of my time and energy. He never said he was sorry...

I'm sorry "frustrating" is not the right word. I know it is much more than that...

No reason to say sorry Connie, everything you say makes sense... I like the breaking plates idea! The cross on the mountain is very nice.  Nothing with change anything, we just have to find some peace somehow someday...x0

Jill I am so sorry . That dream must have been awful. It is hard work. Just so hard.

Its so difficult dealing with the reality of death. Many times I find myself lulling myself into thinking that since I always 'feel' him with me, he isn't really gone...can't even say 'dead'. it hurts so much.

I am in India now and all the more feel close to my son in the home we have stayed in. I talk more to him here and feel more close. 

Dolly, I had sent you and some of my other close friends here a msg on this site so check your message and get back by message when you do. I always worry about you all and wonder how we will all cope . Here my home is getting sold and my parents next door will be moving to another place in southern India. I simply will not be able to live here without my son and my parents, so currently looking for a home to shift to, a new neighborhood, which will probably haunt me even more but at least it won't be this house with all close ones gone. You all take care... Michelle, Connie, Jill, Dolly, Teresa , Sandy, Maureen and all here ...xoxoxox

Hugs Jill.

Vasanthi I know you are glad to be home but so sorry for all you are having to deal with. I hold you in my heart. Is there anyway you can move to the place your parents are going? OXOX

Connie since my parents have retired its more of an ashram lifestyle and I need to be in the city, maybe work again a little later etc. It will be too quiet and cut off for me in Puttaparthi whereas for my parents its ideal and I want them to relax and live the way they would like to. They are in their late 70's and its high time they stopped feeling that they need to be near me and protect me, so I support the move. 

Jill, moving can be very traumatic as we know especially after such a huge devastating loss like we have. SO keep your spirits up by holding the love you had with your son close in your heart and just allow yourself to be guided by God /or your higher self. If I think of the future I feel like quaking with fear, then I just push the frightening thoughts away and do not give them power by following their thread. Just shake off any negativity at the root and that can only be done with very firm faith in what we cannot see. We only need to understand that we are loved. Don't ever forget that...xoxoxox

Well said Vasanthi <3

Jill I think it was a sign. It is okay, he'll be with you where ever you go. And I know that he is happy you will be close to his brother

Sharon, So sorry for your loss. My daughter died 6 years ago. Right now you are in no place to make any major life changes. You already are going through the hardest thing life throws at us. It took me 4 weeks to go back to work. There is no time table for grief.

they say don't make any major changes for at least a year.. probably because most of us can't even begin to think coherently for at least that long... if ever again... I don't think like I used to..don't care about many things I used to wring my hands over.. just wish I had appreciated what I had more while I still had him with me... now I am trying hard to REALLY appreciate what's left of my life... what else can I do? Not that I'm very successful at it.. but I just can't always keep crying and feeling horrible... its not doing any good.. but I can't really control it all that well either even after nearly two years...

Sharon, I am so sorry you have to go through this intense pain. What you are feeling right now, the exhaustion and the anxiety are normal.I used to think I was going crazy those first months, and just got through it minute by minute. When you loss is so sudden it is so hard to fathom and the shock stays with you for a long time. My daughter Kyra died in a car accident 16 months ago, and I still can't believe she is really gone physically. Just do what ever helps you get through the day. I still cry everyday and go through bouts of anxiety somedays, but that intense despair and loneliness does ease and you will be able to find hope and solace again. I had just retired from teaching the summer Kyra died, so I didn't have to go back to work, some people thought work would help me but it is what it is.  You will survive this loss and gain a peace knowing your child is always with you. The signs that we get from their continued presence in our life will sustain us until we can see them again.  Much love and hugs, we are here to listen and understand what you are going through. lynn      

Sharon my heart is with you. It took me 6 weeks to return to work. Honestly you need to give yourself time. but what helped me especially in those first weeks was walking, moving, reading  and allowing myself the time to grieve. Be gentle with yourself. I recommend Proof of Heaven by Ethan Alexander and Healing from Loss by Martha Whitaker (I still read it everyday). Hugs to everyone.

Thank you everyone for your kind words... I know that all of you have walked down this horrible journey.  Everynight I thank my son for giving me the strength to make it through one more day.  I may never go back to work.  I've worked for the past 35 years of my life. I'm only 57, but I'm tired.  I'll just have to see how I feel, and if my job is still there when I feel strong enough...  

Thank you Connie, I will read Proof of Heaven.  I've been reading every night since Troy died.  It keeps my sanity while I wait for my xanax to kick in!

Greta would have been twenty today. 

I can't get out  of bed this morning.

I wish she was here.

Happy 20th birthday in heaven Greta

JILL I'm not trying to dissuade.. some changes are for the better for sure.. it has to be better to be close to Derek.... I wish I lived closer to my oldest son and grandkids that's for sure... but we can't afford to live where they live and they don't want to live where we live... I'm just saying what I always heard to not make major changes right away.. I don't think EVERY change fits into that category EVERY time though.. so don't think I'm giving advice to you specifically... YOU know best..

PK I will light a candle for Greta tonight beside my Daniel's. Beautiful cake Dolly! Tomorrow I will light one for Brandon. OXOX

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON & GRETA! 

Happy Birthday Brandon

Happy Birthday Greta

Hugs to the Mommies

Brandon, happy birthday sweetheart.... ur smile lights up our lives.

Greta Love from us and especially hugs and kisses to both the mommies.

Happy Birthday Brandon and Greta!

oh my I didn't mean to YELL at you Jill.. You have every right to do what you think is best for you.. I was just saying that most 'experts' say not to make any major changes for at least a year after you lose someone very close to you... I didn't mean YOU shouldn't move if you think its best... I guess I do give the impression I am yelling by using the CAPS.. but really I'm just trying to emphasize a word like I would if I was speaking the same sentence... not trying to YELL... sorry if you felt yelled at by me...

 thank you all so much for your Birthday wishes for my sweet boy today... I'm sure he grinned from ear to ear over all of them...

I spent some time making his card and playing some of the music he loved but just felt numb and sore through and through me all day... I don't know if I told you all but now my husband has to have a goiter removed and they are threatening to put a 42'' diameter natural gas pipeline right through our beautiful mountain right through our property where the dancing tree and the little house sit.... one smack in the head after another... but we just keep on praying God will bless our enemies and that no weapon formed against us shall prosper and the rest is up to Him I guess... well we wrote letters and forbade them to come on the land to survey it.. I'm so tired and I am turning into MAXINE... if you know who I mean... that silly cartoon old lady .. maybe I can find a pic...